Can I do anything about ex constantly using paid childcare?

[sealprincess]

I think the answer is no but just wonder if I am missing anything. Doing 50/50. My ex is using lots of paid childcare eg weekends where 2 or 3 babysitters will come including during the day. I’ve said I am worried about this. I’ve offered to have DC more. There’s no maintenance so that’s not an issue. Ex is rejecting my offers & the childcare continues. DC is OK with some of it but has said would prefer play dates etc - DC is 9. I just don’t know if I can do anything.

OP I think we have to accept that it's part of being a single parent, or a parent at all really. The other parent has the same rights and we don't control what happens during the other parents time, so long as it's reasonable and safe.

Even if you are together with the other parent, you cannot 100% control what they do.

Because they have no court orders currently. She can do whatever she likes if she thinks it’s in child’s best interest (so can dad). If dad disagrees then he’s the one who has to get the ball rolling with court etc.

Of course not. But my child is upset and has asked me to advocate for him. So I am trying to see what I can do.

Your ex is a being a prick why do this to your own dc he really isn’t put his dc first is he. It must be so frustrating knowing he’s asked for 50/50 but he can’t even be bothered to be around 50% of the time it’s shit parenting on his part putting work before dc. Has dc told his dad he doesn’t like being babysat and he misses him when he’s working maybe dc needs to pull on his dads heart strings because his dad is not really there for him anyway. Totally unfair on dc.

Yes he’s told him. Ex just argues with him about it.

my ex stormed off in a tantrum when I was 8 months pregnant so our situation is very different to you. I don’t think 5050 right for us (dad was absusive, he is careless - see my old thread ‘ex dp burnt my baby’ , he lives far away, etc etc) but he never was a 5050 parent either, I’ve just worked with him to build up and up.

you say you can’t - but legally you literally can. What you need to work out of it you should (you know your ex best and your child best to know how much conflict this could cause and how upset your son would be caught in the middle vs wasting Saturdays with babysitters).

you did the right thing giving dad a chance to be a 5050 parent but he’s literally giving up that change by choosing to work on Saturdays. From my perspective you have nothing at all to lose from being firmer and you’d either just have things stay the same, or you’d have a happier child as he’d been spending his time with one of his parents instead of a babysitter.

Just a thought op, if you have proof of the childcare, keep a record of it, it will be useful in mediation or worse case scenario court.

You may be wiser to wait until child is 10-11 before putting foot down as his views carry more weight. As this age, your son may be able to call you to be collected too, and dad can go and get him when he returns (if this doesn’t disrupt your weekend though, you might have some child free plans!).

saying everything that I have, if you don’t think your son is too upset about it you could just leave things as they are and allow dad to show his true colours and he will vote with his feet in a couple of years.

also - as for causing a scene at school. You can maybe start the new thing two weeks in advance and tell him it would not be in his best interest to show up and cause upset to son and if he disagrees then please invite you to mediation instead of cussing conflict at school.

That’s horrible for your dc a grown man arguing with an innocent child. Op he’s not putting him first. Op he’s not there to care for him. Mediation might be better to review the situation because he’s not really keeping to his side of the agreement is he. He’s just being bloody mean to his son. For what reason. Because he can. Surely if the 50/50 isn’t working you have the right to have it reviewed at least your son will know you tried and it’s just his dad being an arsehole.

@Unexpectedlysinglemum I’m so sorry about your experience. It sounds awful.
Thanks for the advice. I will talk to my lawyer again & see if they think this is something I can do.

Thank you. I agree but don’t understand what you mean about getting the 50/50 reviewed - it’s not court ordered. We agreed it in mediation. And it’s very unlikely a court would change it, according to my lawyer.

He’s using childcare because he’s working? Don’t you use childcare when you’re working? Not ideal I know but bills have to be paid unfortunately.

He doesn’t need it to pay bills - he is a workaholic & works 7 days a week - the childcare is costing more than he is earning

I meant if your ex asked for 50/50 in mediation he’s not keeping the arrangement by palming his dc off to strangers so I just wondered if you can go through mediation to resolve the situation now he’s not technically doing 50/50.

We can but it’s up to us to review it & agree - the mediator is not like a judge who decides.
And it would be very hard to get him back into mediation.
but as that seems to be a bit of a consensus I am going to seriously consider it

Do you work? What do you do with your DS when you do?

Do you have a completely passive and "hes in charge" sort of attitude? Often thats the way to get men like that to cooperate and ultimately gives you more power in the situation..
It obviously would be awful to live like that in a relationship just feeding his ego, but not so much when its just for the childs sake while separated.
Rather than "id rather have DC" try "you must be having to spend a lot on childcare, is there any way I can help out? I know DC loves her time with you so I can fit around that you need"
Or if its really deteriorated maybe suggest a day out together for DC (such as im taking DD to the zoo soon, would you like to come with us so she can enjoy it with both of us) and then phrase it in person. Sometimes if contact is all over text its easier for resentment to build and remain.

I’m freelance. I work while he’s at school, & sometimes he goes to a club in the holidays (I give him lots of choice about which) & he does an after school club one day a week (which he chooses, for an hour). If I have to send an email or something when he is with me I might get him to play some Lego or let him have an episode of TV show while I do it. Or set up a drop off play date or host one. Now he is at his dad’s a lot of the time I work when he’s there. If I am on a crazy deadline I work at night once he’s in bed.

But anyway I am not talking about childcare while doing normal amounts of work. I am talking about my workaholic ex getting babysitters in for long stretches of the weekends while he works even though he does not need to be working then.

It’s not all by text at all.
Dc doesn’t enjoy spending time with us both there & finds it very unsettling.
I am not sure anyway how this would help…

To try to work on getting him to not hate you enough to agree to you having her when hes at work.
Why doesnt DC like spending time with you together? Is there any way of fixing that?

I’m not good at knowing what would wash with court, or how to deal with nightmare exes. But I did wonder if there’s any value in offering him that you have DC daytime only on a certain proposition of his weekends, as I believe maintenance counts overnights only, so he could agree to this without being at risk of you asking for maintenance payments. That might allow you to see whether his refusal is about money or just about control/hostility/workaholism/not admitting he’s wrong etc?

He’s not paying maintenance. Money is not the issue here.

This is a non starter I am afraid. He isn’t going to suddenly be amenable if we have a fun day out together. It was an emotionally abusive marriage. I am not having days out with him & putting DC through that. We have to do things together very rarely & I do my best to make things OK but it’s not something I want to add to & it will not help with this situation.
Also the work is a bit of a red herring. He does not need to be working every weekend. He is just addicted to work & lazy about spending time with a very active child so outsources it all.

Just because it's not court ordered doesn't mean she can unilaterally change arrangements. If she tried that and he did apply to court (which he should in those circumstances!) the court would not be impressed with OP for simply insisting that long standing arrangements change to suit her preference.

Yes this is what I am worried about. I can’t just pick up DC on a day ex is supposed to be picking up. We need to agree a new plan.