Can I do anything about ex constantly using paid childcare?

[sealprincess]

I think the answer is no but just wonder if I am missing anything. Doing 50/50. My ex is using lots of paid childcare eg weekends where 2 or 3 babysitters will come including during the day. I’ve said I am worried about this. I’ve offered to have DC more. There’s no maintenance so that’s not an issue. Ex is rejecting my offers & the childcare continues. DC is OK with some of it but has said would prefer play dates etc - DC is 9. I just don’t know if I can do anything.

I can understand your view- can you make a more specific request? Like ‘DS would like to see ‘James ‘ one weekend - could they have a play date at yours?’ Or ‘DS would like to see friends at the weekends. Would Saturday or Sunday be best at yours and we can check who is free’…..

I’ve tried suggesting particular friends who I know DC would like to see.
I can’t start asking their parents when they are free & making arrangements for times I don’t have DC because if my ex then refuses to go ahead I will have messed the parents around.
and currently he says play dates are a hassle and he won’t do them

You are his mum

Hi, I told you upthread what you can do. A boundary and a plan of action and he can go to mediation or court if he doesn’t agree. You don’t have to go to court to change the current status quo as there is no current order to breach- you just tell him it’s changing and why. HE then needs to instigate court if he wants to change it back, but hopefully you can agree no babysitters or right of first refusal in mediation.
he won’t do anything because you ask or tell him, he will act if there are consequences though.

I misunderstood & thought the post meant my ex’s mum. I’ve apologised for misunderstanding. I get it now.

I’m not sure I can do this legally? Although no court order, we do have an agreement in a lawyer’s letter.

Sorry I had missed this post. It’s very helpful phrasing. I will ask my lawyer if I am Ok to write something like this given what & how we agreed. Thank you.

I'm not sure there's anything you can do other than talk with your ex. Unfortunately we don't have much control of these things. It's a shame he doesn't want to spend time with his kids.
My ex seems to totally avoid most aspects of parenting even though we share time 50/50. It infuriates me at times but I have to remind myself that I can't control what he does and so I just try to do my best when I have the kids. Ultimately I know over time he's the one that will miss out.

I'm going through the hell of family court currently op.

I'm just wondering- might it be the lesser of two evils to let the childcare go, even though it's poor parenting on his part, and maybe the DC are getting attention and care from someone, rather than a exH who's had to do it but cba just sits on his phone while the DC are left to their own devices?

The DC will know who the engaged parent is (ie not him ) and when they are bigger they can make the choice which if it went as far as court, would be taken into account? Court have to listen to a child of I think 13 or older but even at 9 I think their views would be considered.

If it were me and there was no major safety issues, I'd play the long game and wait it out, DC will be 10 before you know it, and people will listen to their views.

It's honestly hell and believe me that they do not hear women/mothers in family court

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
I had also wondered this.
certainly if he is going to be with his dad, the babysitters are preferable to his dad sticking him in front of screens etc.
DC is 9. So it’s a while to go before his thoughts would be listened to.

Can you go to mediation and ask for mutual right of first refusal for childcare? So if each of you is away for more than X time you need to offer the other parent the time before seeking childcare?

It does sound like mediation is my best option.

My understanding (no legal training at all) is that "right of first refusal" is not a UK concept.
However, is there any mileage in suggesting he asks the babysitter to take to playdates? If he was refusing to take the DC to clubs I imagine the court would be more interested.

My heart really feels for you op, it really does,

With a 9 yo I might try and cling on and stall if possible - use a few well timed playdates and booked activities if exH would "buy" that, the bigger they get, the more weight the DCs voice carries in court. Mums voice counts for FA in court. And the more upsetting you find it, the more it counts against you.

💐 I wish I had something better or more reassuring to say, I do

I thought I’d point it out so you understood what the poster meant, I admit I quoted before reading anymore of the thread

I don't think you have a leg to stand on legally, sorry.

I get why you are annoyed, but if there are no safety concerns, both parents are allowed 50/50 and are allowed to parent how they see fit on their time. I'm divorced with kids and use babysitters sometimes, I certainly wouldn't accept if their dad told me I couldn't. Even if he was available, I'd rather pay a babysitter as I don't want to be running my plans by him or going back and forth dropping them to his house.

My ex also does a few things I don't like, for example he wouldn't dream of having a play date and rarely takes the kids to see his family. He thinks it's not necessary and although I disagree, that's his choice to make.

both DC & other parents would find it very odd to have a babysitter turn up to play dates.

Yes I have been told I would not win in court.
I also have used a babysitter very rarely.
but I am not using paid childcare during the daytimes on weekends every single time I have DC with me

When you speak to your lawyer ask them what worst case scenario and likely case scenario of you sending my suggested letter is.
if worse case scenario is court orders you 5050, then what have you got to lose? I pander to my ex as I’m acted he’ll take me to court and get 5050. But you’ve already given yours that (not a criticism as I know it was done in good faith assuming they’d be spending quality time together!)
if dad has any inkling that he might try to go down the you’re an alienator I should have full custody route then of course family court becomes more risky, but if he does start that you can defend yourself against alienation (as you always support actual quality time happening).
in your shoes I would 100% send the message I suggested - he will defo kick off but he really will have to attend mediation before he applies to court

Don’t get drop and go at that age?

But you don’t have to apply to court. Dad does. And by the time he gets there son wil be older etc and worse case is he’ll be5050 again (probably) but hopefully dad would be sensible and agree to not working during weekends when he has child or letting child stay at your home when he is working. I’m sure the mediator would help you get a compromise eg if it’s more than two hours then offer to mum.

Why would dad have to apply to court when it's OP who wants to change something?

Have you offered to pick dc up when he needs to leave and drop DC back when he will arrive home? That way its not inconveniencing him or losing out on time, but DC gets the time he's at work with you instead.

@Unexpectedlysinglemum yes they normally drop & go but babysitters don’t normally do this. The whole thing would feel weird & my DC would feel it. Plus I’d need my ex to agree to play dates which he won’t. I can’t arrange the whole thing remotely when it’s not my weekend.
When did you divorce? My understanding from speaking to my lawyer & a second opinion is that over the past two years it has changed so that if a dad asks for 50/50 he will get it. I didn’t “give” him 50/50. It’s what the norm has very recently become. I had no choice.
I definitely can’t just not send DC to him on his time. We would have to agree a change. Or we would both be turning up at school on a Friday & having a fight over who took DC home & that is definitely not in his best interests.

Yes. He’s said no.