Has anyone separated from an autistic DH - I don't know what to do

[WhatNextImScared]

My DH is autistic and our relationship isn't working. I bend over backwards to accommodate his needs - do almost all the parenting, all the household management etc. I love him, but I am absolutely burnt out. He won't go to relationship counselling.

When he's not coping he gets shouty with the kids, he's not parenting the children well, he can be pass-ag with them. I feel they deserve a calmer, more stable home than we can provide as a couple.

We've been togehter almost 20 years but DC are still young (primary school). Some days I feel like we should stay together until they are much older. I don't think I'd be comfortable sendint him to stay with them for long weekends or whole weeks in the summer as even though he loves them deeply he just can't cope with the noise, mess, sibling bickering, exectuive function (planning meals etc)

But another consideration is that eldest DC is also autistic and very similar to DH and I think she sometimes benefits from having someone similar her around to see how he navigates life effectively (eg the work he chooses, the breaks he gives himself after stressful interactions etc) - in many ways he does know how to make himself functional for a NT world, but with parenting it's another level that he's really struggling with. We did fine before we had kids, and honestly it's only in the last 5-6 years since the second one that it's got really, really tricky.

I am in my early forties and I feel like I can't go on like this. I want an easier life. I want my home to feel restful. Instead i'm either worrying about making sure he's OK, or furious and resentful at him for everything I'm carrying.

I don't know what to do. I feel so paralysed.

I love the person he is deep down - but he is not coping with parenting at all and I just don't know how to handle this era of my life.

I'm in therapy and its helping me but he's doing no work on himself and I am so angry and resentful and I just don't know how we get back from here, or how to face separation.

Please, only reply if you know what it's like living with an autistic partner because this isn't the same as him just being a twat. It's really not a simple LTB.

Thank you. I think I may have been on here in the past but I had names changed for this thread.

I will have a look again…

The problem with this is when they just cannot so what you ask them to do.

My H said he needed to know that I “could be flexible and allow him to tap out if he couldn’t cope”.

Which I wouldn’t mind as a one-off but it seemed to be more often than not that he just couldn’t do it. So i had to live permanently on hold waiting to jump in and complete the task or rescue the situation. And ultimately as a parent, sometimes you just have to put your big boy/girl pants on and get on with it. You can’t just tap out of parenting when it is hard.

Absolutely this. My DH doesn’t even ask or acknowledge it - he just literally disappears. I don’t resent the absolute need for him to do that but the fact it just gets absorbed and goes unacknowledged. I’ve never once been thanked for the amount I’m doing, all the slack I cut him. But I genuinely think it’s becuse the asd makes him so self involved he literally cannot see what I’m doing. He thinks he’s doing 50/50 when the parenting load is honestly something more like 90/10 on my plate

Ultimately he cannot see how much slack you pick up and he likely won’t ever be able to.

It’s up to you if you can live with that. I can’t.

It’s only been a few weeks and it’s bloody hard work doing it on my own. But honestly it’s still easier than doing it with him.

If I know I am doing everything then I plan and organise and mentally prepare myself to do everything. And I’m OK with that. When he was there I couldn’t ever rely on him to do anything properly, so i was waiting to come clear up whatever physical or emotional mess he’d made. Not helping would be bad enough, but he actively made things harder by continuously fucking stuff up.

Your friends will help and will get you through it.

Did you get to the point that you’d absolutely stopped loving him? I’m not there. That, plus the finances, keep me plodding on.

Yeeesh that’s a hard question.

I lost respect for him first. But now I do think I’ve lost the love too. I had a bit of a breakdown toward the end of last year due to the stress and he still wasn’t able to step up. In sickness and in health, and all that.

I stayed for the finances too - especially since my DD would not cope well if we had to leave the family home. We’re working it out at the moment but he has agreed I can stay here for the next few years at least. But I’d still rather be broke and alone