Has anyone separated from an autistic DH - I don't know what to do

[WhatNextImScared]

My DH is autistic and our relationship isn't working. I bend over backwards to accommodate his needs - do almost all the parenting, all the household management etc. I love him, but I am absolutely burnt out. He won't go to relationship counselling.

When he's not coping he gets shouty with the kids, he's not parenting the children well, he can be pass-ag with them. I feel they deserve a calmer, more stable home than we can provide as a couple.

We've been togehter almost 20 years but DC are still young (primary school). Some days I feel like we should stay together until they are much older. I don't think I'd be comfortable sendint him to stay with them for long weekends or whole weeks in the summer as even though he loves them deeply he just can't cope with the noise, mess, sibling bickering, exectuive function (planning meals etc)

But another consideration is that eldest DC is also autistic and very similar to DH and I think she sometimes benefits from having someone similar her around to see how he navigates life effectively (eg the work he chooses, the breaks he gives himself after stressful interactions etc) - in many ways he does know how to make himself functional for a NT world, but with parenting it's another level that he's really struggling with. We did fine before we had kids, and honestly it's only in the last 5-6 years since the second one that it's got really, really tricky.

I am in my early forties and I feel like I can't go on like this. I want an easier life. I want my home to feel restful. Instead i'm either worrying about making sure he's OK, or furious and resentful at him for everything I'm carrying.

I don't know what to do. I feel so paralysed.

I love the person he is deep down - but he is not coping with parenting at all and I just don't know how to handle this era of my life.

I'm in therapy and its helping me but he's doing no work on himself and I am so angry and resentful and I just don't know how we get back from here, or how to face separation.

Please, only reply if you know what it's like living with an autistic partner because this isn't the same as him just being a twat. It's really not a simple LTB.

Him being a shift worker is likely contributing to the problems. You need routine and structure. You need systems. Instead, he is going to be home and available to parent at random times. I think even NT families find that stressful sometimes.

I don’t have experience setting up routines in that environment. It’s still got to be possible. When dad is here, x happens. When he is not y happens. Maybe even play with writing it out. I’m just brainstorming here really.

as for adult time outs, when children are young, they often have to be brief. We can’t go take hours to ourself. It’s 10 min most of the time and then back to the trenches. If things are really bad maybe it’s an hour. It’s not an excuse to just check out of parenting.

He knows I’m unhappy. We had a bit of a crunch point a year ago but things improved since then and I thought we’d found a more comfortable equilibrium. Now they seem to have fallen apart again.

So yes he knows I want things to change but I don’t think he believes I will actually leave. Maybe he’s right. I am from a very traditional background and we didn’t marry for 10 years as I didn’t want to make those vows until I was absolutely sure for me they are unbreakable. But now… I don’t know.

I don’t want the rest of my life to feel like it does now. I get that when the kids are older there will be less practical pressure so maybe he will be less overwhelmed. But there will be just as much emotional work to do especially during the teen and young adult years, and he’s nowhere to be seen with that really.

i was a very difficult teen (very angry) and I worry about how my girls will behave during the rollercoaster of puberty and how he will handle that (or not).

Thank you, this is helpful.

The shifts work won’t go away (until retirement) as it’s the nature of his profession and particular skill set. But we can maybe have some plans for ‘work days’ and ‘off days’.

My H is autistic. Like you, it was having kids where everything started to fall apart. This is really common in NT/ ND marriages. ND have the added stress and you also see just how disabled they are, when they are unable to understand, interact or cope/ manage the children. For me, I also saw my children from a young age (5) starting to outstrip my H in terms of their emotional intelligence and this imbalance between their capabilities and his is only growing.

Its utterly exhausting trying to hold everything together for the family.

My honest advice is if you can leave, do.

Its better for the kids to have at least one stable home and a mother who is not worn down and miserable.

Go to the Cassandra sites for women married to autistic men ( search Facebook) and you will hear loads of stories of women who wish they left sooner and those who are ill and destroyed who did not leave. Seriously, auto-immune diseases brought on by stress.

I would not recommend marriage advice unless it is with someone who has a good understanding of how autism presents in families and the issues it brings. So many women, including me, have found things were made worse by engaging with services who did not understand autism.

If you stay, make sure you carve out something good for yourself each week, preferably several times a week, to get you away from the madness.

Interesting point about the emotional intelligence as this is what became a huge point for me.

DH & DD clash horribly but she is able to review her actions and express her emotions. He isn’t. She’s 10 and also autistic.

There have been so many times I’ve had to referee their arguments and afterwards I’ve come to him to say that she’s ready to say sorry and move on, and to ask if he is. His response “I’ve got nothing to say sorry for”. When he triggers her (either by forgetting something or saying something he thinks is funny and she doesn’t) and she reacts angrily, he will then her angry with her for being angry. He just cannot see that he caused her anger in the first place.

You are definitely not alone OP, but I really would be looking at any possible way to separate.

I left. It took me years to decide. It’s been hard but I’m so much better now.
I think the difference is that I was really starting to despise him, and didn’t want to be with him anymore
His limitations only got worse as time progressed.
I had told him countless times I was unhappy, needed affection and communication but he couldn’t do it, and buried his head in the sand.
It does seem that he’s better in his new relationship and I’m happy for him.
Co parenting is fine as long as he knows what is expected of him, he was the same when we were together. He pulled his weight around the house but he was not capable of meeting emotional needs, nor did he understand them.

if you can find a therapist for you both, then maybe him, that would be a good start. I would make it clear that he doesn’t have a choice but to engage with it.

autism or not, you deserve to be happy

Thank you. I can tell from this post that you really do understand. The point about the NT child already having more emotional insight at a very young age really struck a chord.

Did you leave yourself? If not, why did you decide to stay and how have things panned out as the children got older.

I can absolute see this exact situation developing during pre teen and teen years here too, and it’s what I’m so worried about.

There’s some really interesting insights on this thread that makes me think my ex DH had autistic traits.
DCs having more empathy and emotional intelligence than him
Creating a fiefdom in the lounge.
etc
I had to split for many different reasons- he just became too difficult to live with and it was a relief for all of us when we did. The tension in the house evaporated

Honestly now I have finally separated, i wish I’d done it sooner. For the sake of my kids as much as myself. DH & DD’s relationship is awful now, and I don’t know if it’s repairable.

I worry about him having the kids as he can’t manage them and he triggers her so much. I would not be surprised if she starts refusing to see him.

So many of these posts resonate with me! The biggest source of conflict in our house is DH and DD2. DD2 is ADHD diagnosed but I suspect AuDHD and needs parenting in a certain way. DH is potentially ADHD and RSD and cannot think beyond himself as to what the children emotionally need especially when angry. He has impacted so many holidays and outings with angrily storming off and justifies it as needing a time out, usually after an argument with DD2.

What he didn’t see is what is left in that wake and the emotional labour I have to put in to right the ship and keep it moving. And how his absence can trigger even bigger meltdowns especially from DD1 (ASD diagnosed) who reacts strongly to the idea that the family is not happy and people leaving. She would be broken by a family split up and I don’t trust him to be able to manage their emotions if he had them 50% of the time. He is a good hands on dad but who can’t seem to change on developing the emotional breadth they need. I am dreading the teenage clashes he will have with DD2 and worry about the damage their relationship will suffer.

Her emotional disregulation presents as anger which is really hard to parent but what she needs is calm to get through the tough points and he seems unable to do this. She is very quick to go up and come down and has always been very good at saying sorry (even as a toddler!). I worry that his inability to say sorry will make her become more stubborn and lose the ability.

My children are at the age where they have started to call out his behaviour which is interesting to see and they articulate it perfectly - and it shows me how much emotional management I have been doing of him for 20+ years without him (or I) realising…

OP

I'm the autistic one who left a long-term relationship because of domestic incompatibility. No children involved in my case, so that's obviously a significant difference in the factors in consideration, but I just wanted to say that from the perspective of an autistic person, all the things that are being discussed as issues which cause contention can't really be resolved by mediation of counselling in any case.

My partner had a lot of issues with my regimes and regimens because they felt I was being unreasonable and they were living in a tyranny. While I can understand this, it changes nothing about the fact that I need these regimes every bit as much if not moreso than an NT person needs theirs, because without them I rapidly become extremely anxious, unwell, and unhappy.

No amount of counselling or therapy would alter what I intrinsically and fundamentally am, and no amount of "you need to change this for the sake of your relationship" would alleviate or diminish the distress I experience at not being able to live in the manner I require, so even though I fully empathise with the difficulty it created for my partner, I ultimately realised that the only way for us to both be content was to separate.

I'm now far happier living alone and not having a partner constantly trying to police my behaviour because it doesn't suit what they want or need. I understand your concerns about your children, but to be blunt, any changes your partner makes to accommodate you or your children are just likely to result in them becoming progressively more and more distressed, even if the changes are made with good intentions and full in the knowledge of what it likely to happen if they are not made.

I really appreciate you sharing this. And I do understand (to the extent I can, as an NT - but also as the parent of a ND child).

when it was just the two of us I had no problem with accommodations, but the amount of work and organisation there is as a parent of young children is very hard to carry alone for anyone but worse when you’re carrying it alone in a two parent household.

i love him and I don’t want to resent him the way I currently do.

this is nobody’s fault: you don’t know how it will be to parent until you do it.

i don’t actually want to leave him, i just wish we could find a way back to the compatibility we have on a basic level. And I wish I wasn’t so exhausted as I am worried about how it’s affecting my long term health.

I have a dh that is nd. 2 nd kids with him. I have decided life is still easier as a family unit. I still love my dh but the passion and attraction has long gone. Was good before kids. Now 2 kids.... stress and I need him to come home to help me with the kids. Plus kids need us both working as team.

That’s good to read that. I really appreciate reading your point of view. Thank you x

And by team its, me being able to tell him exactly what needs doing ... and asking him to watch kids.

A lot of ths... very relatable

Now that u mention it... yeah.. my health declined with stress. Praying to try improve at least my diet but so bogged down with workload at home ! No time for self care. 12 year old has pda autism, 4 year old audhd, need home ed them as do not cope in settings.

There is no wau back, this is how he is as a dad and dh ( after kids)

@WhatNextImScared Come join this thread (I don’t think I’ve seen you there! 🙂) lots of ND/NT and ND/ND relationships. Some keeping it together others who have split. No judgement, lots of support.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5447569-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-17?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

I really feel for you OP. It’s really hard and there are no easy options.

i divorced an autistic man ( he is undiagnosed but DC with autism is very similar)

he was a nightmare- he isn’t a nice person, but the autism adds another layer. The don’t like change, have a very strong sense of right and wrong. He thinks I’m the bad guy, so years after out divorce, he really hates me.

I was going to say just leave. But then I saw your post about not being able to leave London. I found my friendships got me through, so i understand why that would be a worry.

could you still
see your friends regularly? Being 1 hour away is
doable.

another option could be shared ownership flat?

This is where I’ve been for a while but now I feel like we’re not even on the same team. I feel so fed up and taken for granted - even though most of this he just can’t help.

Oh yes, I see your update now. Exactly!

If you seperate you could visit him with the kids instead of them staying with him for a week alone. He will already know himself that he cannot look after them but will still like to see them.
If he's not coping with children, it's better for them if you seperate. Becos they see the way he is not coping with them, maybe the children also feel like they are always walking on eggshells?

Im autistic, with autistic children. Im divorced but my husband was not autistic. He was hard to live with tho and life was stressful for me and the children. We are all so much happier after the break up. Just becos we are not living in an anxious state /walking on eggshells. At home the kids are relaxed and happy. What you describe sounds like you should start the ball rolling, tell him it's over and don't back down. Don't live like this any longer.

Leave.

He won't want to have the kids anyway and if he does, they likely won't want to go to his.

Separate and let the cookie crumble. YOLO.