Has anyone separated from an autistic DH - I don't know what to do

[WhatNextImScared]

My DH is autistic and our relationship isn't working. I bend over backwards to accommodate his needs - do almost all the parenting, all the household management etc. I love him, but I am absolutely burnt out. He won't go to relationship counselling.

When he's not coping he gets shouty with the kids, he's not parenting the children well, he can be pass-ag with them. I feel they deserve a calmer, more stable home than we can provide as a couple.

We've been togehter almost 20 years but DC are still young (primary school). Some days I feel like we should stay together until they are much older. I don't think I'd be comfortable sendint him to stay with them for long weekends or whole weeks in the summer as even though he loves them deeply he just can't cope with the noise, mess, sibling bickering, exectuive function (planning meals etc)

But another consideration is that eldest DC is also autistic and very similar to DH and I think she sometimes benefits from having someone similar her around to see how he navigates life effectively (eg the work he chooses, the breaks he gives himself after stressful interactions etc) - in many ways he does know how to make himself functional for a NT world, but with parenting it's another level that he's really struggling with. We did fine before we had kids, and honestly it's only in the last 5-6 years since the second one that it's got really, really tricky.

I am in my early forties and I feel like I can't go on like this. I want an easier life. I want my home to feel restful. Instead i'm either worrying about making sure he's OK, or furious and resentful at him for everything I'm carrying.

I don't know what to do. I feel so paralysed.

I love the person he is deep down - but he is not coping with parenting at all and I just don't know how to handle this era of my life.

I'm in therapy and its helping me but he's doing no work on himself and I am so angry and resentful and I just don't know how we get back from here, or how to face separation.

Please, only reply if you know what it's like living with an autistic partner because this isn't the same as him just being a twat. It's really not a simple LTB.

This could be about my husband and I, we are on the edge of splitting up. I know I can’t change him though how much of myself do I have to give to support him to cope. I want out for the peaceful life without battling to try to get him to be what he can’t be!

I got divorced from an autistic husband.
My advice is to just get the process started.
The marriage isnt working and is extrenely stressful for both of you.
You will both be happier single.
You only have one life.

Take the autism out of it. You either want to be with him, or separate. Plenty of non autistic people don't want counselling, but it does show that he doesn't want to see your way of thinking or change. You can separate from someone for any reason.

I am the only person in our household who isn't autistic. I wish I had known dp was when we met and therefore how to communicate better. To be fair, he didn't know he was either. We are fine now, but there have been ups and downs along the way, as there are in all relationships. We can both lose it at the kids when they push us to the end of our tether, but are generally not shouty.

There’s a support group on meetup app for spouses of autistic people..

My ex H was diagnosed with autism a year ago.

We split in 2023 after years of what you describe, except it got worse as the DC got older and became teens and he did more untold damage.

By the end of the marriage me and our 2 Dd were huddled in a small room every evening while he dominated what used to be the family lounge and turned it into his own private kingdom.

DDs were 15 and 13 when we finally split and the trigger was the oldest confiding me on how damaging his mood swings, anger, shoutiness and general self centredness were for both DC to cope with.

I wish I’d done it sooner.

Youngest DD (now 15) has an autism assessment next week and oldest (17) recognises traits in herself. But honestly, it doesn’t make them more understanding of him it makes them understand less why he can’t put others first in a way that they can.

Anyway, I wouldn’t worry too much about them being looked after by him as my ex couldn’t be arsed so it’s all been on me since he left and, honestly, I think that’s for the best.

I have encouraged and encouraged him to have more contact with them but the most he manages is tea at his once a week. It really hurts our youngest, especially now her Dad has a new gf and she and her kids are his new special interest.

No advice beyond it does not get better. I have a new partner now (non resident) and honestly it’s amazing to feel part of a team with someone and just loved and valued .

Our household has it easier because we are all ND. DH in a different way so he doesn’t always understand some of the quirks dd and I share and he can get frustrated, but we run a ND household. It is our oasis.

I do think life would be harder if we had a NT child and needed to set up a household that met those needs. I can’t imagine how DH and I could ever produce a NT child, but it could have happened.

you are not wrong that having a parent like you is invaluable. However, if he isn’t coping, he is doing more harm than good. Limiting time would be better for your ND child.

If you are unsure about divorcing, I would try one last thing. Look at the pressure points in your household. Pretend you are an occupational therapist and your husband is your client. What physical reorganization in the house could happen to improve things? What routines could change?

I only suggest you try this because you seem unsure. If you prefer to just leave, that is totally fine.

For today, I am going to suggest a trick that works for me. It is adult time out. Time out in our house is never a punishment. It means that anyone can declare they are feeling overwhelmed and go take a break. Screaming and lashing out is not acceptable. Declaring a self time out and going to your own space to calm down, even if it is inconvenient is acceptable as long as it does not create a safety issue.

I also think this is a good habit to model for ND children and all children. It is our responsibility to calm ourselves down.

This is perfectly described. I’m sorry you’re in this situation too.

I often feel like I’m failing becuse I can’t find a way back to the person he is deep down before we had all these responsibilities. But I feel totally abandoned in them and so overwhelmed

I totally understand. 💕

Thank you this is a very kind post.

For me, as an NT person, I find husband is very good at taking adult time outs and I massively respected this before we had kids. But when you’re a parent you can’t take time outs all the time. Things have to be done. What happens is I do everything. I feel so angry about it that I’ve lost respect for it as a management technique.

Rationally I know he can’t help it, emotionally I feel so alone, physically I am doing too much and I’m at exhausted.

you’re right - I don’t really want us to break up. And there’s a part of me that thinks we will be in a better place when the kids are more independent.

But honestly I’m worried about what it means for my physical and mental health if I don’t. At points of stress in life he just hasn’t been able to be there for me and that’s felt like a total abandonment

we are a 2x2 household - two ND two NT

This is my fear, honestly.

My husband is a shift worker which means he’s actually out of the house quite a lot and I’ve only just really recently realised how 50/50 his patience with the kids is.

i don’t want to make myself out like some kind of saint either. I have my shouty moments, they are particularly testing at the moment, but I always repair and talk through everything with them and apologise for actions etc. DH just isn’t able to access this level of emotional intelligence.

I do want to be with him.

i don’t think he’s a good parent directly because of his autism and how he handles it (not the ND traits but how he behaves as a result) and I’m not sure he should be living with our young DC at the moment.

this is why it’s not as simple as just leave. I would miss him terribly.

But I miss him now. Parenting has made us very remote from each other.

And all of this is before we even get to the finances - he earns more than me because I do so much more parenting.

I did, I'd say my marriage sounded similar to yours.

I stood up to him when his shouty, passive agressive behaviour was aimed at me. When our oldest was 11 and started to develop their own opinions on life, as children do and he started to aim his behaviour at them in the same way. I decided that enough was enough.

Both kids are ND, I am NT.

XH quickly lost interest in DC, they are older now and do not see him at all. Every time he has the chance to make a difference he screws it up, he can't make it through dinner with them without becoming an angry man.

Ten years on now and I am pleased I divorced when I did. Re money, I earned the same as him, but no amount of money would make me look back and think I should have stayed.

Could there be a middle ground?

Be apart together, so he moves out, and you stay with the children.

He continues to join you for important family occasions. For day to day, you both agree what he can handle and still maintain positive interactions with the children.

Then reassess once the kids are older/grown and house is less chaotic.

Clearly this arrangement would put the burden of the children on you, and £££, but it sounds like there is something worth saving here?

The thing is we couldn’t really afford that. We are in London and couldn’t afford two properties and the cost of separation is one of the things that makes this so hard.

He has no other surviving family at all apart from us and if we broke up/lived separately I’d have to move (about an hour away) near my parents to have the support and also for cheaper housing. That would mean moving away from all my friendships which are a huge source of joy for me.

I’m not ready to pull the plug but I don’t know how to move forward either. We have just had an awful weekend, as it involved doing something draining for him and the way he behaved with the kids afterwards was unacceptable.

Could he get a room in a quiet older adult-only house share?

If you left him at home for things you know he wont be able to cope with, would it be better? Is he actually a help in these situations?

DH and I are both autistic.

Why won't he go to relationship counselling?

I'd have a lot of patience with how much he's struggling, but not being willing to do anything about it i.e. go to counselling would be a dealbreaker for me.

I could have written it myself OP so I don’t have any answers for you. Or advice but just wanted you to know you’re not alone. My DH is funny, loving and the man I married when the children aren’t around but factor them in (particularly ND DS) and he’s grumpy, surly, lazy and shouty. I’m staying for now as financially I can’t see how to separate but you’re not alone OP.

I think that would be too much to ask of him at this age. He house shared in his early thirties but hated it and when we met he was renting a studio alone because he needed his own space.

It actually just really helps to feel less alone, so thank you for replying.

Sometimes I look around at other couples and just feel like I’m living in a parallel universe. I’m sure they have their challenges too, behind closed doors, but I just feel like nobody has my back.

I have been in similar situation.

DH is diagnosed with ADHD but I am certain is also autistic.

Before we had kids it was fine, but since having them - and particularly the last few years since DD1’s autism diagnosis - he just cannot cope. I have said previously that out of being a good employee, a good husband and a good father, he’s only ever able to 2 out of 3 at the same time.

I understand what you’re saying about thinking it’s helpful for your DC to see another autistic person and how they cope… but your DH does NOT cope with his whole life - he’s failing at parenting . So it’s actually more likely damaging for them to see that, as sets them up thinking they won’t be able to cope either.

I have recently separated from my DH. For years I was trapped in a cycle of “just accept this is how life is” where I’d exhaust myself trying to compensate for his issues, and “no, I won’t live like this, I need him to do better” where I’d exhaust myself fighting with him. The lightbulb moment for me is the acceptance that actually he probably is doing his best - but his best is not good enough. O don’t mean to be a bitch when I say that, but I want better for me and my kids.

Separation is not easy - and financially it’s going to be tough - but there is peace and calm in my home.

I split from my partner when DS1 was a baby.
DS1 then received a diagnosis of Asperger’s Syndrome at 3yo and everything fell into place regarding his father’s behaviours.
I had by that stage left his (undiagnosed) father.
I felt unloved, unvalued, unlistened to.
A very tough decision to leave (because of our child) but very much the right one.
I have obviously asked myself whether I would had stayed if he had been diagnosed so allowances may have been made.
But the answer is always no.
I was suffocating and desperately unhappy, not able to be the best parent and would have become a shadow of my former self.
I have stood in your shoes and I wish you the very best OP.

Thank you everyone for responding. There’s so much to think about.

I also don’t know how we’d survive financially separated, and if I’m honest that’s probably what’s keeping us together now. I’ve been (uncharacteristically) playing the lottery lately and I think it’s because I’m desperate to have more options for my future.

Does he know you are so close to leaving OP? Has he given any thought to how to make it easier for you to stay?

My husband and our eldest child is autistic. We have struggled too but we are definitely seeing improvement. He did eventually agree to go to a counsellor and we choose someone with an interest in autism. It really helped him understand what he needs and me understand how to help him, with what I need in mind.

wjat works for us is very clear boundaries on what is each’s responsibility. Once he knew he was in charge of eg the animal care, kids football, the dishwasher, etc he could process those and now he does them like clockwork. I still find he has little initiative and i have to communicate very clearly if i need him to do something, but done sensitively rather than nagging has really helped.
we also have distinct time for ourselves, which has helped me,

its very tricky but communication is key i think.