Shock Divorce

[MrsB1974]

Hi

I am new here and absolutely devastated. My husband of 10 years just announced out of the blue that he wants a divorce. We had just been discussing new decor and going on holidays the week previous.

He had a heart attack a few months ago and is now not able to work or do all the manual things about the house that he loves to do. In order to help with his health I had been getting people in to do work that he would have done in the past. This appears to have really upset him and he says that he feels he is being put last and doesn't want to deal with all of this anymore.

He hasn't spoken to me in a week and is so angry. He just sits upstairs in a bedroom and comes out for food and the toilet.

I can't stop crying, can't eat and all I can think of is the loss of the lovely life we had planned together. We had so many plans and now my whole future is gone.

I had no idea he was feeling like this and I am just at the end of my tether.

His family were trying to reach out to him and he completely stonewalled them too. So no one knows what he is thinking. He always has been a very closed book and never divulges his feelings.

I just wish he would leave so I can start to come to terms with this but he doesn't appear to be going anywhere. We are living in the same house and not speaking a word. It is heartbreaking for me and he doesn't seem to care.

I haven't begged him to stay or been upset in front of him. I actually said it was ok if he wanted a divorce but that we needed to talk about how to split things. He angrily said that I could keep everything and he would sleep on the streets. Although he is still here.

How can I get over this and stop feeling so sad and anxious? I just feel my life is over.

Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this.

Do you think it's possible that he feels as though you're already making do without him, in anticipation of him not being around for much longer? That's not rational, obviously, but the mind works in strange ways when we are suddenly confronted by our own mortality.

So sorry you're going through this OP.

That could be a possibility. I have recently been wondering what it would be like if he wasn’t here anymore, although not through divorce but through his health.
I was so worried his tumour would be cancerous, thankfully it’s not and I’m so worried about him having another heart attack. It was my way of coping in case he died.
I never verbalised this, these were simply thoughts in my head.
If he is feeling like this though, and he doesn’t really want a divorce, he has already said it and isn’t one for saying sorry, in his mind he has said it and that’s it. There will be no turning him even if he has changed his mind.

He could go to his parents or his sister, they have both offered but he said no. His sister plans to come and see him this week provided he knows she is coming, if she just appears he will feel ambushed and walk out.

Do you think you might be able to find a way to express to him, gently, what you've said here in your middle paragraph?

It's difficult, I know, because you are also hurt and angry.

I was thinking of writing him a letter but I know he won’t read it. Sorry for being so negative, all your suggestions are spot on, but he just won’t engage and that is the main problem. Honestly, at this point it just feels as if he is being really cruel rather than ill.

My dad had his first heart attack in his mid 40s and it was pre-heart bypass times and included a longish stay in hospital. Years later when I was an adult, I remember mum telling me that at the time my normally very sociable father began to think everybody was taking about him. He became quite obsessed about it. Mum had talked to his cardiologist (who was extremely helpful) about it and he said it was part of the illness and would hopefully improve, Sure enough, it did.

I don't know if this is any use to you, OP, but I just found it online:

https://rollingout.com/2025/05/04/7-mental-health-surviving-heart-attack/

💐

There's also this, and the BHF has a helpline:

https://www.bhf.org.uk/informationsupport/support/emotional-support-and-wellbeing/coping-with-depression-when-you-have-a-heart-or-circulatory-condition

Thank you so much, that explains things really well x

This is going to help you......with me it goes in dips. Mostly ok then the occasional disbelief that it even happened. It's taken a while but I just turn it around in my head that I'm lucky to still be here.

As in life it's usually your outlook that gets you through. Also it depends on how you were treated in hospital, what support they gave you etc. I was fortunate in that the ward I was on were fantastic even though they were very busy in a highly charged environment and I couldn't fault their care. I also became friendly with a couple of other patients on the ward. Not that I made friends for afterwards but it was a pleasant distraction through a shared experience.

That's why I think your dh would benefit from the group rehab. You need support too. It must be a worry for you that it will happen again but it's probably not going to in reality and you need reassurance for that alone.

My dcs in kept asking if I was ok but this is not so frequent now but they still check in. I'm glad as I don't want them worrying.

Maybe you need to explain to your dh how you're feeling, the worry etc but you've probably already done this, I guess? I realise you may not want him to think he's a burden but at the same time him wallowing and being dismissive of you is selfish. That sounds harsh but he needs to get on with life.
He's been given a second chance. He'll gradually be able to do all that he could before with some caveats maybe? Hecan most likely do more than he thinks he can. Perhaps he's scared? I get that part of it. It's big what he's gone through but you've gone through it alongside him.

However, he can't live the rest of his life in his room. It's not fair on you. At some point, he must expect you to lose patience and maybe that's why he's suggested a divorce.
Give the BHF a ring today. You can private msg me if you like, if it would help. 💐

This article is spot on. The fear of feeling that every little twinge could be another episode really resonated with me.You might have a bit of a ln uphill battle ahead of you OP but if your dh can meet you halfway you'll get there esp as you say your relationship is usually good.

Thank you. I broke the stalemate this morning and asked him if he wanted tea, I got a blunt no. He then started to clear out the garage and spray weeds around the house. This is the first time he has actually done anything in a week.
I have spoken to a solicitor this morning and she said that rather than a divorce, he needs help. I then rang the GP but he said he needs to help himself but did give me numbers for groups he can ring.
I’m mentally and emotionally drained but I can’t do anymore.

Sorry I meant to write that this might NOT help you.
Well, your GP is right although they could contact him directly to offer him a review appointment? This would be standard as the cardiologist would've handed the care over to his GP? Have you through number of the local cardiac nurses? You could explain the situation and they could contact him directly under the same guise if you ask?

At least he's been doing something. Tell him that he's done a good job. His anger may be what's pushed him to do it? He won't be able to bottle this up for ever though. It'll come out some way or the other.

I also found a local heart group that's for people who have been to the same hospital. There are so many groups on there. I post anonymously. Maybe that would be someone to chat to on there? Either patients or family members.

Ultimately you need to look after you. Don't let him bring you down. You need support too. You may have to disengage a bit to get through this. You're doing all you can. He needs to step up a bit now to help himself
As they say you can take a horse to water...

Have you just said to him, I love you, this is killing me. No big conversation, no more than that just simple. I understand why you pulled back but right now it feels like you’ve got nothing to loose. I’d track him down wherever he is in the house, tell him that you love him and that this is breaking you, that you’re here if he needs you, because you truly need him, and then go elsewhere.
I wouldn’t back off from this because I’d want to fight for the relationship. You’ve tried space now perhaps just be blunt and honest, tell him please listen to me for 30 seconds, say your bit and go. Don’t drag it out, but I couldn’t keep my peace, in truth I’ve been worrying about this since I read your thread yesterday. I really hope he listens.
He might be looking for a way back in and saying you need him might be that. 🤷🏻‍♀️. It might be enough for his pride if his mental state has calmed down enough for him to realise he’s been an idiot.

You can’t make him be different, or seek help. You can do that yourself though. Already through this thread you understand his position better.
Get help for you- mental health suooort, because you are under great pressure and also supporting him and your dad.
Do some of the work for him, that he isn’t able to do yet. Name his feelings. Name the situation. Ask him to do things he can do- remind him you need his help.

You are allowed to be angry as well- “I’m not super woman! I’m really struggling to know what to do and I really miss knowing you have my back! I miss you!

When he’s angry and sad, say what you think might be going on for him.
I think you are angry because I booked someone to do the drains. Would it have been better if we waited?
Are you angry I didn’t discuss it with you? I &was in such a rush and wanted to make everything easy for you.

Sorry to hear this, OP. Perhaps it's a good thing that he shows signs of being more active and feeling more useful?

Have you tried contacting the BHF helpline?https://www.bhf.org.uk/informationsupport/heart-helpline

Op do you feel safe around him?

Yes, he has never been physical and when he blew up he removed himself from the situation. He isn’t walking about slamming doors or anything like that.

You can’t help him, he won’t be helped.
Cardiac rehab would have been a great help to him as there’s lots of support from the therapists running the group and he could see how he is improving and how far he can push himself in a safe environment.
Would be consider going with you to his GP to discuss “post HA”, check his blood pressure, discuss his mood and how he’s coping and see if he could be referred to a community group? If you check your LA leisure centre they may offer a GP referred rehab group, not necessarily aimed at HA but for all medical conditions. It could be the start of improvement for him. He needs to do something.
Did he have a stent fitted post HA?
Is he on a lot of meds now? My partner really struggled to cope with this aspect too as he had no prescription meds prior to the HA but has a fair long list of meds now which infuriates him.
I do feel for you, it’s very hard to help someone who won’t be helped.

OP I don’t have direct experience of this directly at all really. I just remember when I almost died from massive blood loss with a stillborn baby to boot, that I just wanted to get physically back to normal so I could get on with grieving and repairing life. It was awful having people doing things for me in the hospital even and my bloody irritating mum kept pointing out that I was angry and telling me off for not being appreciative enough… and my stupid husband moving on too quickly and deciding he didn’t want to talk to me because I was sleeping a lot (I needed to!).
I was a very independent and active person before that and that period was very very difficult.
I think what a poster above says about telling him you need him and miss him is a good idea. But I’d literally JUST say that, no more.
even if you do it while he’s in his room - say it loudly outside the door. Leave it. See what happens then.
Im sorry for you being firstly shocked by the heart attack and then by this change. I hope it improves

Your husband has had a life changing event happen to him. He's angry at the world because it happened to him. Unfortunately, because you are the closest person to him, he's taking that anger and frustration out on you. He's struggling to come to terms with the fact that he can no longer do certain things, because he's no longer physically able. It makes him feel inadequate, useless, and he may think you deserve someone who is 'complete', rather than 'damaged' like him.

He needs desperately needs counselling, but from your posts it's unlikely he will agree. I think all you can do, is show him that you still love him regardless of the fact he can't do certain things. I don't think he wants a divorce, not deep down, but I think he feels he's no longer good enough for you. I don't know if a charity like the British Heart Foundation might be able to help with ideas on how to help him, if you called them? I'd imagine they have a counselling line or something similar.

He was doing so well after the HA that he didn’t think he needed the rehab. Yes, he had a stent fitted and is now on a lot of medication. I think I’m going to ring the GP again tomorrow and say how he is. Then ask them to schedule an appointment under the guise of needing his BP checked. I can’t think of any other way to get him to go to the doctor or speak to him.