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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Shock Divorce

72 replies

MrsB1974 · 08/02/2026 17:04

Hi

I am new here and absolutely devastated. My husband of 10 years just announced out of the blue that he wants a divorce. We had just been discussing new decor and going on holidays the week previous.

He had a heart attack a few months ago and is now not able to work or do all the manual things about the house that he loves to do. In order to help with his health I had been getting people in to do work that he would have done in the past. This appears to have really upset him and he says that he feels he is being put last and doesn't want to deal with all of this anymore.

He hasn't spoken to me in a week and is so angry. He just sits upstairs in a bedroom and comes out for food and the toilet.

I can't stop crying, can't eat and all I can think of is the loss of the lovely life we had planned together. We had so many plans and now my whole future is gone.

I had no idea he was feeling like this and I am just at the end of my tether.

His family were trying to reach out to him and he completely stonewalled them too. So no one knows what he is thinking. He always has been a very closed book and never divulges his feelings.

I just wish he would leave so I can start to come to terms with this but he doesn't appear to be going anywhere. We are living in the same house and not speaking a word. It is heartbreaking for me and he doesn't seem to care.

I haven't begged him to stay or been upset in front of him. I actually said it was ok if he wanted a divorce but that we needed to talk about how to split things. He angrily said that I could keep everything and he would sleep on the streets. Although he is still here.

How can I get over this and stop feeling so sad and anxious? I just feel my life is over.

Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this.

OP posts:
Motnight · 08/02/2026 17:08

I wonder if he's having a mental health crisis. A heart attack is a life changing event. It doesn't seem as though he is coping with it. What was your marriage like before his heart attack?

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/02/2026 17:11

He sounds like he’s having a massive breakdown. I wouldn’t assume he actually wants a divorce, he’s lashing out - not okay, very hurtful, awful for you - because he’s had a horrendous life changing medical event and he’s terrified. I’d be very worried about him.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 08/02/2026 17:11

I'm so sorry you are going through all of this. 💐

Could he have had a small stroke as well? Early dementia?

Barring that, you do need to protect yourself. Get legal advice now.

Zippedydodah · 08/02/2026 17:12

I wonder if he’s got PTSD from the experience of having a heart attack? He’s being completely irrational.
My sibling had a dreadful cardiac experience, being resuscitated 9 times in on day. They had a pacemaker and, 14 years on, they’re doing very well indeed.
In the immediate months after leaving hospital they were totally irrational, wanted the pacemaker removed, couldn’t cope with anything requiring a decision, drove away friends etc. it was bloody tough on everyone, not only them. They would call me multiple times a day, expecting me to drop everything/leave work whenever they called.
I had to be very clear what I could do and not do (they were married but the spouse was bloody useless and the sibling wouldn’t be unpleasant towards them in case they walked out!)
I do feel for you OP, perhaps having a word with his gp would be a good start.

Villanellesproudmum · 08/02/2026 17:12

He sounds on self destruct depression mode if he is shunning everyone and everything and staying in his room. Would he see a Dr.

Although you have to also protect your own self!

Original poster
MrsB1974 · 08/02/2026 17:16

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/02/2026 17:11

He sounds like he’s having a massive breakdown. I wouldn’t assume he actually wants a divorce, he’s lashing out - not okay, very hurtful, awful for you - because he’s had a horrendous life changing medical event and he’s terrified. I’d be very worried about him.

That’s what my family and his family think but because he is so stoic and doesn’t discuss his feelings, we do not know for sure. I did ask him if he was depressed and he just said he’s fed up of being put last but so angrily. Our marriage was really good, we do everything together and had so many plans. A workman came to fix something, made a botched job of it and that’s seems to be what tipped him over because he said he could have fixed it and he could have.
The thing is though, he would never say sorry so I don’t know how he can get out of this without just walking away.

OP posts:
dragonexecutive · 08/02/2026 17:17

Sorry, so did you just say "okay" rather than having a conversation about the fact that he is clearly unwell and not coping? That's quite a cold response. Him saying he would just sleep on the streets was clearly not a rational or serious statement.

Original poster
MrsB1974 · 08/02/2026 17:18

Not only has he had the heart attack, he also has a benign tumour below his ear which keeps getting infected and he has to get it drained. He’s on another dose of antibiotics for that and waiting surgery for removal. I don’t know if everything has just got on top of him or he is simply being cruel on purpose.

OP posts:
dragonexecutive · 08/02/2026 17:19

MrsB1974 · 08/02/2026 17:16

That’s what my family and his family think but because he is so stoic and doesn’t discuss his feelings, we do not know for sure. I did ask him if he was depressed and he just said he’s fed up of being put last but so angrily. Our marriage was really good, we do everything together and had so many plans. A workman came to fix something, made a botched job of it and that’s seems to be what tipped him over because he said he could have fixed it and he could have.
The thing is though, he would never say sorry so I don’t know how he can get out of this without just walking away.

Show quote history

Have you said sorry for your lack of consideration? I don't understand why you expect him to do all the legwork and chase you.

dragonexecutive · 08/02/2026 17:22

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Original poster
MrsB1974 · 08/02/2026 17:22

dragonexecutive · 08/02/2026 17:17

Sorry, so did you just say "okay" rather than having a conversation about the fact that he is clearly unwell and not coping? That's quite a cold response. Him saying he would just sleep on the streets was clearly not a rational or serious statement.

Yes because he was so angry, I was scared of making him worse. I did ask though if he was ok and did he think he was depressed. He will never speak to his GP and refused counselling at the time of his heart attack. He seems to just be so angry at the world and I am worried that he is having a mental breakdown. He has reached out to his mum and told her he is ok and told his sister he couldn’t come to her because he has things to sort out. But he won’t talk to me so I don’t know how he is going to sort things out.

OP posts:
Velvian · 08/02/2026 17:23

Have you asked him why he thinks he is being put last?

If he thinks he is being put last, that kind of indicates that you are the person with all the responsibility @MrsB1974 . He is an adult and doesn't need another person to be putting him anywhere.

I think you need a conversation about what his plans are. I also agree with pps that he is having a breakdown and needs to seek some help for his mental health.

You need to look after yourself, and angry man is not a safe person to be around.

Original poster
MrsB1974 · 08/02/2026 17:24

dragonexecutive · 08/02/2026 17:19

Have you said sorry for your lack of consideration? I don't understand why you expect him to do all the legwork and chase you.

Show quote history

Yes I sent him a text message to say that and to say I was sorry but he will not read anything I send.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsB1974 · 08/02/2026 17:28

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Gosh no, I am not self centred. I have been to all his hospital appointments, rang the hospital for him, taken him there, stayed with him, got him everything he needed. Also took time off work to be with him when he got out of hospital. I get all the shopping in and stuff he likes, do his washing, clean the house. He does his fair share of course too but perhaps too much now that he isn’t well.

OP posts:
Trotula · 08/02/2026 17:31

You have my sympathies. My partner had a heart attack and was unable to do any of “his” jobs in the house and garden and found it really hard to accept help. All our friends offered a hand with mowing the lawn etc and I gratefully accepted and he was furious. I was treading on egg shells with him as he was so angry that this had happened and how useless
he had become. I tried to encourage him to do the things he could but he found it patronising.
It was so hard for him post HA to adjust and he was very angry and argumentative. We had lots of rows as his stubbornness was making it very hard for me too.
Is he having cardiac rehab? This was arranged by the hospital with twice weekly sessions for 3 months with other cardiac patients of varying abilities. It enabled him to increase his activity levels in a safe environment and once discharged he was referred to our local leisure centre for a similar Council/NHS scheme and he has gradually returned to his previous levels of activity at home, but I guess that depends on how much damage the HA has done.
Is it worth leaving all non essential jobs for now as that’s probably making him feel useless?
It sounds like he would benefit from
counselling.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 08/02/2026 17:33

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What??? Surely you are misunderstanding.

Original poster
MrsB1974 · 08/02/2026 17:33

Velvian · 08/02/2026 17:23

Have you asked him why he thinks he is being put last?

If he thinks he is being put last, that kind of indicates that you are the person with all the responsibility @MrsB1974 . He is an adult and doesn't need another person to be putting him anywhere.

I think you need a conversation about what his plans are. I also agree with pps that he is having a breakdown and needs to seek some help for his mental health.

You need to look after yourself, and angry man is not a safe person to be around.

He thinks I put my elderly father above him and to a certain extent I do but I am his carer and I am so afraid of losing him. I lost my mum when I was young and I am still not over it 30 years later. But I do make time for my husband too and my dad is very good to the both of us.

i have tried having a conversation but he just walks off on me, I can’t get through to him. His mum and sister have tried too but they are also ignored.

OP posts:
gototogo · 08/02/2026 17:39

I’ve been there op, one weekend discussing a big specific holiday, then following Friday he decides he wants different things. 5 years later he has a health crisis (alas a final one) and I suspect this was the beginning sign but impossible to tell.

Original poster
MrsB1974 · 08/02/2026 17:39

Trotula · 08/02/2026 17:31

You have my sympathies. My partner had a heart attack and was unable to do any of “his” jobs in the house and garden and found it really hard to accept help. All our friends offered a hand with mowing the lawn etc and I gratefully accepted and he was furious. I was treading on egg shells with him as he was so angry that this had happened and how useless
he had become. I tried to encourage him to do the things he could but he found it patronising.
It was so hard for him post HA to adjust and he was very angry and argumentative. We had lots of rows as his stubbornness was making it very hard for me too.
Is he having cardiac rehab? This was arranged by the hospital with twice weekly sessions for 3 months with other cardiac patients of varying abilities. It enabled him to increase his activity levels in a safe environment and once discharged he was referred to our local leisure centre for a similar Council/NHS scheme and he has gradually returned to his previous levels of activity at home, but I guess that depends on how much damage the HA has done.
Is it worth leaving all non essential jobs for now as that’s probably making him feel useless?
It sounds like he would benefit from
counselling.

Oh my goodness, this sounds exactly like my husband. He does appear to think he is useless now that I have been getting help in. But I thought that was for the best to help him. I feel like I’m treading on egg shells too.
He refused cardiac rehab as he said he didn’t need it and at the time I thought he was ok too. Now I am not so sure.
i am leaving all the jobs for now and have cancelled things that were supposed to get done, it would make him even worse if they came to the house now!
He wont go to counselling either, he appears to have just emotionally shut down and I do not know how to help him.

OP posts:
Seelybe · 08/02/2026 17:39

@MrsB1974 honestly this does sound like anger at what's happened to him being deflected onto you. His unwillingness to engage with support to address it is a choice he's making to your detriment.
If he refuses to discuss it and wants a divorce he needs to leave. It's unfair of him to expect you to live like this. If he doesn’t want or appreciate what you contribute he needs to bow out and let you get on with your life.
A classic case of how to make a bad situation worse..

PocketSand · 08/02/2026 17:43

DH is not thinking straight at the moment. This may be physiological or psychological or a combination of both. Get external help, maybe from your GP who knows his history, on how to cope with this.

In the meantime stay consistent with giving practical support and emotional support. You can talk about your relationship later but for now …. There’s no crisis, there’s no hurry so for now let’s focus on …. I care about you and our relationship but there is so much else going on - can we put this on the back burner for now and focus on you?

Original poster
MrsB1974 · 08/02/2026 17:45

Seelybe · 08/02/2026 17:39

@MrsB1974 honestly this does sound like anger at what's happened to him being deflected onto you. His unwillingness to engage with support to address it is a choice he's making to your detriment.
If he refuses to discuss it and wants a divorce he needs to leave. It's unfair of him to expect you to live like this. If he doesn’t want or appreciate what you contribute he needs to bow out and let you get on with your life.
A classic case of how to make a bad situation worse..

I am totally drained with it all. He doesn’t seem to see the impact it is having on me. I want to help him so much but he throws it back in my face. Isnthis what mentally ill people do? How can you help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. If he would only listen to what I have to say and then maybe he would open up but no, he has just shut down. I am being really calm in front of him so as not to set him off but then he maybe thinks I don’t care because I usually wear my heart on my sleeve.

OP posts:
Morepositivemum · 08/02/2026 17:46

Op you seem very ready for him to leave, in fact wondering why he isn’t gone if you’re devastated seems strange ? Are you happy in the marriage? If he said it and you didn’t get upset and just asked where he was going to go maybe he now thinks you want him gone? I’d wonder how he isn’t depressed after a heart attack and a tumour. He is being cruel but the question is whether he always is or whether this is new and you have to ignore it and try to help him.

Dontcallmescarface · 08/02/2026 17:48

What can't he do around the house? If his heart attack was a "few months ago" then he should be able to do some things. What has his rehab team told him wrt how long he needs to recover. I had a STEMI in August and was back at work by November and my job involves lifting. It did annoy me no end when I knew I was capable of doing something and other people would "mollycoddle" me. Maybe your DH is feeling the same so is lashing out a bit in order to be heard.

Aluna · 08/02/2026 17:50

This appears to have really upset him and he says that he feels he is being put last and doesn't want to deal with all of this anymore.

Isn’t what he’s really saying is that he feels sidelined and powerless by his health downturn?

It doesn’t sound like you could have done more for him, even if you have an elderly father to consider too.