Page 2 | Shock Divorce

MrsB1974 · 2026-02-08T17:04:09+00:00

Hi I am new here and absolutely devastated. My husband of 10 years just announced out of the blue that he wants a divorce. We had just been discussing new decor and going on holidays the week previous. He had a heart attack a few months ago and is now not able to work or do all the manual things about the house that he loves to do. In order to help with his health I had been getting people in to do work that he would have done in the past. This appears to have really upset him and he says that he feels he is being put last and doesn't want to deal with all of this anymore. He hasn't spoken to me in a week and is so angry. He just sits upstairs in a bedroom and comes out for food and the toilet. I can't stop crying, can't eat and all I can think of is the loss of the lovely life we had planned together. We had so many plans and now my whole future is gone. I had no idea he was feeling like this and I am just at the end of my tether. His family were trying to reach out to him and he completely stonewalled them too. So no one knows what he is thinking. He always has been a very closed book and never divulges his feelings. I just wish he would leave so I can start to come to terms with this but he doesn't appear to be going anywhere. We are living in the same house and not speaking a word. It is heartbreaking for me and he doesn't seem to care. I haven't begged him to stay or been upset in front of him. I actually said it was ok if he wanted a divorce but that we needed to talk about how to split things. He angrily said that I could keep everything and he would sleep on the streets. Although he is still here. How can I get over this and stop feeling so sad and anxious? I just feel my life is over. Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this.

Original poster

MrsB1974 · 08/02/2026 17:53

Morepositivemum · 08/02/2026 17:46

Op you seem very ready for him to leave, in fact wondering why he isn’t gone if you’re devastated seems strange ? Are you happy in the marriage? If he said it and you didn’t get upset and just asked where he was going to go maybe he now thinks you want him gone? I’d wonder how he isn’t depressed after a heart attack and a tumour. He is being cruel but the question is whether he always is or whether this is new and you have to ignore it and try to help him.

No I don’t want him to leave, I am crushed at the thought of it. He has said he wants out, wants a divorce and is fed up with it all. He was so angry when saying it that I thought it best to just agree and give him what he wants. I was so happy, in fact I always say to him don’t we have a lovely life. He is never normally like this, yes we do have tiffs but he always comes round and brings me a cup of tea, his way of saying sorry. I thought by being silent and giving him space he would come round but I fear I have chosen the wrong tactic.

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsB1974 · 08/02/2026 17:56

PocketSand · 08/02/2026 17:43

DH is not thinking straight at the moment. This may be physiological or psychological or a combination of both. Get external help, maybe from your GP who knows his history, on how to cope with this.

In the meantime stay consistent with giving practical support and emotional support. You can talk about your relationship later but for now …. There’s no crisis, there’s no hurry so for now let’s focus on …. I care about you and our relationship but there is so much else going on - can we put this on the back burner for now and focus on you?

How can I do this though when he won’t even acknowledge me? I have bought him lots of nice food to eat and he is just leaving it and having cereal. He has just checked out of anything I am trying to do for him.

OP posts:

Rhaidimiddim · 08/02/2026 18:02

MrsB1974 · 08/02/2026 17:24

Yes I sent him a text message to say that and to say I was sorry but he will not read anything I send.

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I do not th8nk that you are the one who is out of order here, or to blame for a situation which seems to be the result of your husband's innate personaliy + hard medical problems.

I agree with others that he ne,eds to seek medical help for his mental well- being; and that you need to take care of yourself because an angry mah isca dangerous man, and he does seem to be blaming you for his misfortunes.

Can you get family support to talk to his GP about how to handle the situation?

Original poster

MrsB1974 · 08/02/2026 18:02

Aluna · 08/02/2026 17:50

This appears to have really upset him and he says that he feels he is being put last and doesn't want to deal with all of this anymore.

Isn’t what he’s really saying is that he feels sidelined and powerless by his health downturn?

It doesn’t sound like you could have done more for him, even if you have an elderly father to consider too.

I do feel like he thinks he isn’t needed anymore. But I haven’t totally bypassed his capabilities, sometimes I think I ask him to do too much so I can’t win. I am trying to please him and my dad at the same time but obviously failing.

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsB1974 · 08/02/2026 18:09

Rhaidimiddim · 08/02/2026 18:02

I do not th8nk that you are the one who is out of order here, or to blame for a situation which seems to be the result of your husband's innate personaliy + hard medical problems.

I agree with others that he ne,eds to seek medical help for his mental well- being; and that you need to take care of yourself because an angry mah isca dangerous man, and he does seem to be blaming you for his misfortunes.

Can you get family support to talk to his GP about how to handle the situation?

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Thank you for this, someone who isn’t blaming me. I rang the GP to get some help for me and told him what was happening. My GP is his as well but he didn’t even respond to what I was saying about thinking he was depressed and he knows all his heath issues so I would have thought he maybe would have reached out to him but no.

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Aluna · 08/02/2026 18:13

MrsB1974 · 08/02/2026 18:02

I do feel like he thinks he isn’t needed anymore. But I haven’t totally bypassed his capabilities, sometimes I think I ask him to do too much so I can’t win. I am trying to please him and my dad at the same time but obviously failing.

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I think this is all a product of the same health crisis. As other posters have said heart attacks can impact people really deeply. It sounds like he’s lashing out at you, but you haven’t done anything wrong.

Morepositivemum · 08/02/2026 18:15

No I don’t want him to leave, I am crushed at the thought of it. He has said he wants out, wants a divorce and is fed up with it all. He was so angry when saying it that I thought it best to just agree and give him what he wants. I was so happy, in fact I always say to him don’t we have a lovely life. He is never normally like this, yes we do have tiffs but he always comes round and brings me a cup of tea, his way of saying sorry. I thought by being silent and giving him space he would come round but I fear I have chosen the wrong tactic.

hugs op, I hope it all works out ok for you both, sorry my post was too blurted out, take care x

greencheetah · 08/02/2026 18:16

You can’t control his behaviour, only your reaction to it.

Do you have DC?

Original poster

MrsB1974 · 08/02/2026 18:17

greencheetah · 08/02/2026 18:16

You can’t control his behaviour, only your reaction to it.

Do you have DC?

Sorry, what is DC?

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BerryTwister · 08/02/2026 18:30

MrsB1974 · 08/02/2026 18:17

Sorry, what is DC?

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Children

Manymoresometimes · 08/02/2026 18:32

You have massively under estimated the physical, mental and emotional effects of a heart attack. You haven't said the circumstances of the heart attack. Was it out of the blue? In the family? Brought on by stress etc. CPR? Defib? ICU?

Think from his point of view, he was a "man" doing all the jobs round the house, working etc and all of sudden he cant do those things and you, to him, have just replaced him with a man that can do those jobs. I know you didnt mean to be cruel, but it feels cruel to him. Were those jobs urgent? Did they have to be done then, could they have waited?

You need to go back to the start of the journey, research how to support him. Join your own support groups and take advice and strength from them, they will help you so much.

Unless you've experienced it you can never understand the long term impacts of heart issues, honestly for most of us its a mind fuck.

oneoneone · 08/02/2026 18:45

I'm bewildered by the hard time you're getting on here, OP.

You are his carer, including taking care of an oozing tumour, and caring for your father too. He can't at this moment do manual jobs around the house so you hired someone to take care of those jobs. He won't speak to you or answer texts or eat or accept help and he's cut off his family, are you're supposed to pander to that behaviour? Absolutely not.

I think you need to call his bluff and tell him that it's making you very sad and you will be there to support him as he seeks some help, but you are not going to run around begging him or dealing with his medical needs or cooking for him. I would suggest he goes to stay with his family to take some time to think.

I'm extremely sympathetic to the fact that he's gone through something life changing and that he needs empathy and support, but he doesn't get a free pass to impose the silent treatment. The 'I'll just sleep on the street' is manipulation, pure and simple, and it's adding up to emotional abuse.

I wouldn't discount that a heart attack can have very real physiological and emotional repercussions, but he's the one who needs to seek help.

Gotmyoldshoeson · 08/02/2026 18:50

oneoneone · 08/02/2026 18:45

I'm bewildered by the hard time you're getting on here, OP.

You are his carer, including taking care of an oozing tumour, and caring for your father too. He can't at this moment do manual jobs around the house so you hired someone to take care of those jobs. He won't speak to you or answer texts or eat or accept help and he's cut off his family, are you're supposed to pander to that behaviour? Absolutely not.

I think you need to call his bluff and tell him that it's making you very sad and you will be there to support him as he seeks some help, but you are not going to run around begging him or dealing with his medical needs or cooking for him. I would suggest he goes to stay with his family to take some time to think.

I'm extremely sympathetic to the fact that he's gone through something life changing and that he needs empathy and support, but he doesn't get a free pass to impose the silent treatment. The 'I'll just sleep on the street' is manipulation, pure and simple, and it's adding up to emotional abuse.

I wouldn't discount that a heart attack can have very real physiological and emotional repercussions, but he's the one who needs to seek help.

Absolutely this.

You have behaved impeccably. He’s behaving disgracefully. Taking his shit out on you, like you are not a person at all, just something he can kick in frustration and anger.

Original poster

MrsB1974 · 08/02/2026 18:55

BerryTwister · 08/02/2026 18:30

Children

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No we don’t have any.

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsB1974 · 08/02/2026 19:00

Manymoresometimes · 08/02/2026 18:32

You have massively under estimated the physical, mental and emotional effects of a heart attack. You haven't said the circumstances of the heart attack. Was it out of the blue? In the family? Brought on by stress etc. CPR? Defib? ICU?

Think from his point of view, he was a "man" doing all the jobs round the house, working etc and all of sudden he cant do those things and you, to him, have just replaced him with a man that can do those jobs. I know you didnt mean to be cruel, but it feels cruel to him. Were those jobs urgent? Did they have to be done then, could they have waited?

You need to go back to the start of the journey, research how to support him. Join your own support groups and take advice and strength from them, they will help you so much.

Unless you've experienced it you can never understand the long term impacts of heart issues, honestly for most of us its a mind fuck.

You are right. I have totally underestimated the effects of his heart attack. It came totally out of the blue, although his mum does have heart problems. He is only 52 though.
One of the jobs was urgent, the rest could have waited and I have to admit I just went on ahead and got them arranged. I have since cancelled all but the urgent job.

How can I get through to him though when he won’t listen or read anything I have to say? I have a feeling he is going to go to a solicitor tomorrow and just get out of this.

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsB1974 · 08/02/2026 19:06

oneoneone · 08/02/2026 18:45

I'm bewildered by the hard time you're getting on here, OP.

You are his carer, including taking care of an oozing tumour, and caring for your father too. He can't at this moment do manual jobs around the house so you hired someone to take care of those jobs. He won't speak to you or answer texts or eat or accept help and he's cut off his family, are you're supposed to pander to that behaviour? Absolutely not.

I think you need to call his bluff and tell him that it's making you very sad and you will be there to support him as he seeks some help, but you are not going to run around begging him or dealing with his medical needs or cooking for him. I would suggest he goes to stay with his family to take some time to think.

I'm extremely sympathetic to the fact that he's gone through something life changing and that he needs empathy and support, but he doesn't get a free pass to impose the silent treatment. The 'I'll just sleep on the street' is manipulation, pure and simple, and it's adding up to emotional abuse.

I wouldn't discount that a heart attack can have very real physiological and emotional repercussions, but he's the one who needs to seek help.

I’m a bit upset about some of the posts although most people are being very helpful and understanding.

He has cut off everyone and doesn’t think that anyone does care about him despite people ringing and messaging and inviting him to talk.

I am not discounting his health either, I have tried to help and be there for him at every step.

I haven’t begged him, cooked for him or anything since this all happened. That’s maybe making him worse as he thinks I really don’t care. But my stance is that he is too angry and I am giving him space.

His family have asked him to come and stay but he has said no, he says he has things to sort out, possibly a visit to a solicitor?

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oneoneone · 08/02/2026 19:07

MrsB1974 · 08/02/2026 19:00

You are right. I have totally underestimated the effects of his heart attack. It came totally out of the blue, although his mum does have heart problems. He is only 52 though.
One of the jobs was urgent, the rest could have waited and I have to admit I just went on ahead and got them arranged. I have since cancelled all but the urgent job.

How can I get through to him though when he won’t listen or read anything I have to say? I have a feeling he is going to go to a solicitor tomorrow and just get out of this.

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What you can do is stand your ground and stand up for yourself.

Don't beg or cry or try to stop him. Just tell him that you love him and you're sorry he's in this place, but he needs to do what will make him happiest.

I'd bet odds that this (at the moment) manipulative man child is going to realise where his bread is buttered.

Can you speak to the GP and describe his behaviour?

researchers3 · 08/02/2026 19:10

MrsB1974 · 08/02/2026 17:18

Not only has he had the heart attack, he also has a benign tumour below his ear which keeps getting infected and he has to get it drained. He’s on another dose of antibiotics for that and waiting surgery for removal. I don’t know if everything has just got on top of him or he is simply being cruel on purpose.

I think he sounds potentially mentally unwell caused by his physical ill health atm. I woukd reach out to his GP tomorrow and keep pursuing other avenues like a mental crisis team. Or at least do some medical research into what's going on with him.

Hang in there, sounds really tough. Hope things improve soon.

Soonenough · 08/02/2026 19:19

We were warned that depression and anxiety are normal after any cardiac episode. And depression can manifest as anger as can fear . The awareness of how fragile life can be and the trauma of a heart attack which feels like you are in fact dying shouldn't be underestimated . And the result of being incapacitated is hard to bear especially when you see other men doing tasks in your house.
Is he annoyed that for you life is going on as normal and doing house decorating is more important than just being there for him.
Very hard to get him to seek help if he doesnt want to. Does he have a close friend that he would feel comfortable speaking to ?

Gettingbysomehow · 08/02/2026 19:23

It sounds like he is having a massive pity party and taking it all out on you. I've been at death's door and don't find it necessary to behave like an arse towards everyone.
I'd tell him to sleep on the streets then.
Mind you I've got no time for this nonsense from men.

Original poster

MrsB1974 · 08/02/2026 19:30

Soonenough · 08/02/2026 19:19

We were warned that depression and anxiety are normal after any cardiac episode. And depression can manifest as anger as can fear . The awareness of how fragile life can be and the trauma of a heart attack which feels like you are in fact dying shouldn't be underestimated . And the result of being incapacitated is hard to bear especially when you see other men doing tasks in your house.
Is he annoyed that for you life is going on as normal and doing house decorating is more important than just being there for him.
Very hard to get him to seek help if he doesnt want to. Does he have a close friend that he would feel comfortable speaking to ?

I think he is likely annoyed that I am moving on and getting things done without his help. He won’t speak to anyone, this is the main problem.

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Paperingoverthecrackers · 08/02/2026 19:31

I can speak from my own experience of having a heart attack. It made me feel down at times and took me a while to acknowledge it fully. It also made me feel vulnerable and older than I am. Depression, denial and anger are apparently common following a heart attack.
I would say that your dh probably feels all of these plus if he was a d.i.yer then he's lost that role and probably feels a bit useless. It's a shame he wouldn't go on the Cardiac Rehab sessions. He would've met others that have been through the same and given him some purpose. Is it possible for him to still attend?
I found the Cardiac nurses at the British Heart Foundation to be brilliant to talk to so maybe you could give them a ring? They are there for family members of people that have had heart events, not just the person themselves. You need support too.
Sounds like he's shutdown. I don't think he really wants a divorce, he's just in despair and doesn't know what to do for the best.
The whole situation is pretty debilitating and if it was unexpected then it's a bit of a shock to the system mentally.
I feel for you. It's a lot to deal with. Hope you get a breakthrough soon but ultimately only he can lift himself out of this.

Original poster

MrsB1974 · 08/02/2026 19:32

Gettingbysomehow · 08/02/2026 19:23

It sounds like he is having a massive pity party and taking it all out on you. I've been at death's door and don't find it necessary to behave like an arse towards everyone.
I'd tell him to sleep on the streets then.
Mind you I've got no time for this nonsense from men.

Yes! I was at deaths door myself and he couldn’t have done enough for me but I talked about my emotions. There’s nothing I can do for someone who is having a pity party, if that’s what it is.

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsB1974 · 08/02/2026 19:39

Paperingoverthecrackers · 08/02/2026 19:31

I can speak from my own experience of having a heart attack. It made me feel down at times and took me a while to acknowledge it fully. It also made me feel vulnerable and older than I am. Depression, denial and anger are apparently common following a heart attack.
I would say that your dh probably feels all of these plus if he was a d.i.yer then he's lost that role and probably feels a bit useless. It's a shame he wouldn't go on the Cardiac Rehab sessions. He would've met others that have been through the same and given him some purpose. Is it possible for him to still attend?
I found the Cardiac nurses at the British Heart Foundation to be brilliant to talk to so maybe you could give them a ring? They are there for family members of people that have had heart events, not just the person themselves. You need support too.
Sounds like he's shutdown. I don't think he really wants a divorce, he's just in despair and doesn't know what to do for the best.
The whole situation is pretty debilitating and if it was unexpected then it's a bit of a shock to the system mentally.
I feel for you. It's a lot to deal with. Hope you get a breakthrough soon but ultimately only he can lift himself out of this.

Thank you for telling me about how you felt after your heart attack. Did you feel like this shortly after or a few months down the line? He had his 4 months ago.
He really has shut down and is in despair but why is he so angry? This has come totally out of the blue, he has been fine up until he just blew.
i maybe should ring the BHF and see what they suggest. I need help as well as him.

OP posts:

Manymoresometimes · 08/02/2026 20:43

MrsB1974 · 08/02/2026 19:00

You are right. I have totally underestimated the effects of his heart attack. It came totally out of the blue, although his mum does have heart problems. He is only 52 though.
One of the jobs was urgent, the rest could have waited and I have to admit I just went on ahead and got them arranged. I have since cancelled all but the urgent job.

How can I get through to him though when he won’t listen or read anything I have to say? I have a feeling he is going to go to a solicitor tomorrow and just get out of this.

Show quote history

Does he have anywhere else he could go for a little bit? So you could both get a little space.

Recovery is a partnership and you really want to help and support him. But it sounds like he's punishing you as he feels so bad himself, but thats really unhelpful and not fair.

Could his parents/family/friends come round and help you have the conversation?