Do I go to birthday family meal?

[Awkwardseparationquestion8456]

Our separation is fairly recent. I instigated it - he's in the aggrieved/angry phase now that he's realised I mean it.

Youngest DC (16) seems to think it's unfair on her dad - he has one overnight a week and no weekends (both his choice but I don't feel like I can tell her that) - though I could be reading too much into unrelated grumpy teenage behaviour.

We are trying to do big things like Christmas and parents' evenings together - so I know there are times I have/will have to plaster on a grin and get on with it.

So - to the question. It's his birthday this week. We normally go out for a family dinner. Do I go? Younger DC asked me if I was - then did the Teenage Shrug when I asked if she wanted me to. He won't say either.

I just don't know. Tending towards not - but should I this one time??

No absolutely not. I think future Christmases together will also be pointless. One or both of you simply won’t want to. Stop making promises like this.

When my parents got divorced I felt like the very limited time I got with my dad was dominated by my mum. Not on purpose but I was very quiet and my mum and dad had shared friends/ interests etc so they would chat and I felt like I wasn’t being listened to and felt like I had no time to talk with my dad (they got on but only divorced due to his alcoholism). So my advice would be to do all events separately and let her have time with just her dad. I think it’s inappropriate for you to go to the dad’s birthday.

Your children are adults and almost yes ? Are you going to be playing along for how long at this unitied family nonsense, honestly if your 16 year old is upset about their dad not seeing them all you need to do is say ask dad why, your estranged husband and his behaviour isn't yours to manage, if your child is upset with you because of their fathers behaviour. They will get over it.

A friend of mine tried to do holidays and occasions with her ex, she almost had a breakdown trying to keep up the pretence, which had an affect on her kids a clean break imo is better for everybody in the long run.

I wonder if youre slightly enjoying the drama of being the one to end the marriage but also still convincing yourself you're the good guy?

Shared Christmas etc for almost adult DC seems a bit much, as does all this angst about contact, which they should be dealing with between them. Why are you underlying yourself in that? Are you one of those woves who's always done "everything" and funding it hard to let go?

Of course DD is angry. That's going to happen regardless of where she sees the fault.

I’m not going. But he’s coming to the house for a bit before they go out (he’s just told me).

He can’t have them at the place he’s staying - it’s small and awkward to get to - so he sees them here (I stay with a friend on the night he’s here). Not a long term plan - but that’s another thread.

So now the next question is - do I stay and make nice for an hour or leave them to it?

I know technically you can't stop him (assuming house is owned jointly) but he should not be saying he is coming over and staying for a bit. He should ask if it works for you. If they are going out anyway, it isn't needed. He can collect kids and leave.

I would be unavailable. Even if that means upstairs out of sight.

I’m really not enjoying it @Mirrorx. I should have ended it years ago. He has anger issues and I was scared to. I tried to smooth things over when he was in a bad mood, though youngest DC wasn’t on the receiving end as much.

He didn’t even tell me. I had to ask @RottenBanana

No, you don’t “make nice”. You go out and leave them to it. I’m struggling to understand why you feel the need to insert yourself into this. And if DD asks about when she’s seeing DF just say “whenever suits you love. Just give him a tinkle to sort it and let me know.” You really shouldn’t have contact arrangements for a 16 year old.

I am no expert but i wonder if his popping is him still having control over you? I don't know why his place is unsuitable but i think picking up and leaving is more appropriate than popping in for an hour before going out is unnessesary.

In that case, I think you are giving him mixed signals. You are doing big events with him, organising contact with young adult kids in your home, asking him if he is coming over. He probably thinks he still has a chance of changing your mind. If you are set on it being over, make it so.

I don’t understand. Why is he coming over for an hour beforehand? Can’t he just collect and go?

Leave them to it. I’d go out. You’re separated , the kids are old enough , even if they were small their other parent is there.
Get them used to it.

I’m not ‘inserting myself’ @harriethoyle - at least I don’t want to. DCs wanted to do Christmas together so I did. I genuinely didn’t know what was best with his birthday.

I don’t want to spend time with him, particularly in the house. For some reason it triggers all the anxiety that’s I’ve suppressed over the years. But it’s the easiest place for him to see DCs - for them - so I have to accommodate that.

Difficult when it’s so hard to get him to tell me when he’s doing though.

And I will go out. If he’d just sort a proper place to live it wouldn’t be half as complicated.

Just go out when he is there you do not have to even explain to him or your children why, you are no longer in a relationship with this man these kids need to be in charge of their own feelings to process the seperation, it isn't up to you to manage. You probably spent years protecting them that your anxiety won't let you move on.

There probably is an element of control @Coffeeishot. He could have messaged me and said ‘I’d like to do presents and cake at the house (which is what we normally do) and I’d be round at about x time’. Instead I had to ask.

@RottenBananathe only reason I’m at all involved in the contact arrangements is because it mostly happens in the house I live in. I don’t want that to carry on but I can’t force him to rent somewhere better.

of course not. Has he actually invited you?

Going would give the wrong idea, it's nothing to do with co-parenting, I don't know why you would even consider it

Do you own the house jointly OP?

Yes. So he has a right to use it.

The separation is recent, plus DCs have exams this year, so not currently planning to sell. We’ll have to eventually but he can afford to rent somewhere until then.

Don’t go to the dinner, take them out yourself another day. And to the 16 yo “ask your dad what he wants to do about contact”

@Awkwardseparationquestion8456

I loathe the 'kindly OP' type messages but honestly I mean this from a place of concern, having been through a separation where I allowed my husband to come and go and ended up feeling like a complete doormat.

I do understand you want to do the right thing for them, but it does read as if you are appeasing him by giving him an excuse to come into the house.

If the youngest is 16 and there are no extra needs, they are old enough to understand that him staying over is causing you distress. They are also all old enough that overnight visitation is not really a thing that is needed in quite the same way as with little kids. He can take them out, and it is his problem to sort out where, not yours. It doesn't matter any more if he thinks you are being difficult, he is not your friend now.

By asking him if he is doing what you used to do i.e. presents and cake, you implied this was still an option to him. Intention or not, you invited him in. I sincerely hope you are not providing either present or cake to him.

No
Your children are old enough to sort out contact away from the house, they're not small children and his excuses are just that, excuses.
You're doing an awful lot of appeasing in the name of what your young adults need. The next excuse will be he can't change anything for another couple of years because of various exams etc. Get a structure sorted out and if that means your DD needs to understand that her dad isn't bothered, then so be it

I think you’re right @Lightuptheroom. He keeps going on about not wanting to pay to rent somewhere. So I feel like I to keep sharing the house. And I can see him just letting that continue.

Obviously there is a cost. But he didn’t do anything to address our problems when we were together - so we are where we are.

Then you need to get the ball rolling. Start getting all the paperwork together and don't keep viewing it that you are the bad one in this. These things will have to be sorted out and it really is not necessary to shuffle round young teens

Oh and stop sharing Christmas etc, it's not necessary (I managed to avoid all of that and my ds was only 2, when he was 4 my ex remarried and started court cases on the basis that his 'new mum' was now 'family' I won't bother you with what the judge said!!!) all you're needing to implement is a workable structure and let your teens and dad work out anything else. Get hold of your self esteem in both hands x