Do I go to birthday family meal?

[Awkwardseparationquestion8456]

Our separation is fairly recent. I instigated it - he's in the aggrieved/angry phase now that he's realised I mean it.

Youngest DC (16) seems to think it's unfair on her dad - he has one overnight a week and no weekends (both his choice but I don't feel like I can tell her that) - though I could be reading too much into unrelated grumpy teenage behaviour.

We are trying to do big things like Christmas and parents' evenings together - so I know there are times I have/will have to plaster on a grin and get on with it.

So - to the question. It's his birthday this week. We normally go out for a family dinner. Do I go? Younger DC asked me if I was - then did the Teenage Shrug when I asked if she wanted me to. He won't say either.

I just don't know. Tending towards not - but should I this one time??

No. You aren’t his family right now. He should get to enjoy the outing with his children.

you might get to a point in the future where you get along and do things like this, but right now both of you need to deal with your anger and grief. You can’t get to the friends stage if you don’t deal with the pain.

No I wouldn't go to his bday meal. You'd like end up being expected to pay for it!

Read the room. You 100% can’t go. Why would you put this decision on your youngest or your ex? Also why on earth wouldn’t you tell your 16yo that her father chose his own contact arrangements? She is not 8. She is old enough to know. Your behavior seems odd in both cases.

Don’t go, joint events are for the child, this is HIS birthday. Be honest about contact arrangements, your DC is 16 not 6.

No. They need to develop their relatIonship without your mediation now.

Surely at 16yo child is making arrnagements directly with dad? Certainly they should be taking to each other about how much they'd like.

No to his birthday.

Thanks - that’s conclusive! I don’t disagree with any of the arguments - I was just wondering if it fell into the same category as Christmas and so I should suck it up.

It not my job to sort the contact but I’ve struggled with how to be factual about his approach without it sounding like I’m just having a go at him.

You would think wouldn’t you@Mirrorx

I know no one else agrees with me, but I'd go. I'd want dd to see that I still care about someone she loves. If it was always the case that you went out for dinner for birthdays, I'd suck it up like Christmas etc.

Being together at Christmas will be confusing for the teenager, she'll think you're getting back together, but it's just a day of play acting.
Tell her her father can have whatever contact he wants, same as you, and she can go to his house whenever she wants, to arrange it with him.
No to his birthday dinner, he's a ex, you are not his family, enjoy being rid of him

Trying to continue celebrating occasions together is a mistake. Make new arrangements from now, much cleaner and clearer for everyone. People often try this stuff then one of them gets a new relationship, things get messy and have to change and you relive the trickiest parts of the split. You chose the separation, part of that is no longer behaving like a family.

You DD is 16 and absolutely old enough to be told the truth about the contact arrangements. Can you talk to her and say you are happy fir her to see her dad whenever she wants and to arrange direct with him?

No I wouldn’t

and yes I’d give your 16 year old the facts. She is old enough to vote and have sex she is old enough to know that her dad is only interested in parenting one evening per week

Why do you think I’m behaving oddly @TheHedgehogCannotBeBotheredAtAll? I don’t what to do. Because DCs are older they’ve been involved in discussions over eg Christmas. It’s not up to them, but their opinion is also important.

And not wanting to tell DC about her dad being crap is partly because I don’t want to see her upset - and also because I think she’d blame the messenger.

Unless he invites you, no your don’t go. You do things together that are child related though, very important even if tricky (I’ve been there, DD’s wedding when he “forgot” to mention me at all and I wasn’t given a speech slot at all and was down the far end, dd2 told him off plus complained to her sister about where I was seated but I didn’t say a word

She's likely well aware that the man is crap, but you don't need to tell her.

Just correct her that there is no 'unfairness' on the man, you are not preventing him doing a single thing. Present is breezily, like it's a good thing, she is well old enough to arrange all the contact with her father that she wants, and there's no argument to be had.

If he's aggrieved/ angry I definitely wouldn't go. You are divorcing him for a reason x

No, your split and you can’t confuse your kids. He needs to have dinner on his own with them, especially as he’s being shit with contact.

You don't have to suck it up anymore. Leave them to it and start as you mean to go on. If you did go, there would be an elephant in the room and if he's angry/ aggrieved, as you've pointed out, chances are you'll get the backlash from that. I'm sure you have been through enough already x

Op can support the child with the birthday by providing transportation, reminding the teen to get or make a card. If OP has a flush enough budget, she could help the teen with a small amount of money to buy a gift, though that is far from necessary. OP can be sure to not be negative in anyway, be flexible about scheduling, and listen if the teen comes home happy and wanting to share.

there are plenty of ways that op can be supportive that will cost her emotionally, but are in her child’s best interest. Attending the meal itself doesn’t help anyone in the family.

He’s an adult and your youngest child is almost an adult. I understand and respect your instinct to try to hide any suggestion that their father is being unambitious or inconsistent about contact but you’re in a no-win situation here and it’s arguably better to just let adults handle their own arrangements as much as possible. It’s harder for them to shoot the messenger if you just say “he’s an adult and so are you and I am happy to help facilitate this in any way you ask me to, but I also need to respect your right to your own separate relationship with your father and let you all make your own arrangements”.

You can’t control what he does and, in a very short space of time, it won’t be a matter of ‘contact’ it will be a question of whether some adults bother with each other. You’re right that it’s not your job to sort contact and it’s better if you don’t set yourself up to fail. How long can you realistically protect them from the knowledge that he’s a bit crap. It’s better that they know they have one consistent, safe parent.

If your youngest is 16 there’s absolutely no need to do Christmas together and there’s also no need for you to be involved in contact arrangements between your DC and their dad.

Absolutely this^

First and foremost you must tell your DD why the contact arrangements are as they are. Why give more ammunition for her to feel aggrieved? This is a tricky and raw situation and she needs to know that people will be honest with her.

Weird behaviour not sure why you wouldn't sit and explain properly and thoughtfully why dad chooses not to see her more she's not 5. And no I wouldn't go to an exes birthday and especially not being sharing Xmas etc when the kids are more adult than children now