Advice needed for the day I say “I’m done”

Lorelai123 · 2025-12-14T20:42:54+00:00

I’ve decided I’m doing it after Xmas. I have an opportunity for a fresh start for me and my kids and I have to take it so I need to finally do the thing that I’ve been avoiding for YEARS, I need to tell him I’m leaving. He isn’t going to react well, he isn’t going to listen to reason and he will threaten to take the kids from me (un married and don’t own a home together). I want to share the kids as equally as possible bc he is a good dad although I do far more than 50% of the work and care but still I feel he’s earned his right to have his kids as much as possible. The issue is he is not going to see it this way when I tell him I’m going and I want to take them with me ( I will NOT leave this home without them) Im really looking for stories and advice from people who went through similar. How do I approach this? When is the right time to do it? Should the kids be here or somewhere else? Do I do it in person or when we’re not in the same house/over the phone? I’m very overwhelmed at the whole situation but if I don’t do it now I never will. my mum is aware that I want to leave so I have her support and I have a house opportunity for me and my babies.

CarrierbagsAndPJs · 14/12/2025 21:02

Dont tell him until after you have left.

also, He isn’t going to react well, he isn’t going to listen to reason and he will threaten to take the kids from me… I do far more than 50% of the work and care

and he is a good dad dont go together.

Sillysoggyspaniel · 14/12/2025 21:20

Sort out where you are moving to (sign the rental agreement, have furniture, make sure you can get the kids to school etc.). Move out while he is at work. Tell him after. Be ready for it to go to court.

Original poster

Lorelai123 · 14/12/2025 21:37

Sillysoggyspaniel · 14/12/2025 21:20

Sort out where you are moving to (sign the rental agreement, have furniture, make sure you can get the kids to school etc.). Move out while he is at work. Tell him after. Be ready for it to go to court.

Where do I stand when/if it does go to court? I can’t have my babies taken from me it would absolutely break me.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lorelai123 · 14/12/2025 21:39

CarrierbagsAndPJs · 14/12/2025 21:02

Dont tell him until after you have left.

also, He isn’t going to react well, he isn’t going to listen to reason and he will threaten to take the kids from me… I do far more than 50% of the work and care

and he is a good dad dont go together.

urgh! I totally see where you’re coming from 😭 he has been so verbal about “if you left the kids stay with me you can visit” etc and I just can’t have that! I do everything for them! And more!
if I leave when he isn’t in then it gives him reasons to call me sneaky or accuse me of taking his kids away, he’s just such a reactive person that I don’t know how he will act in that kind of heightened emotion.

OP posts:

Sillysoggyspaniel · 14/12/2025 21:41

Lorelai123 · 14/12/2025 21:37

Where do I stand when/if it does go to court? I can’t have my babies taken from me it would absolutely break me.

Show quote history

If he has parental responsibility and is on the birth certificate then he has just as much right for them to live with him as you do. The court will start off with 50/50, and will favour whichever parent can keep their lives as similar to what they are now as possible e.g. same schools etc.. They won't rule in your favour without substantial evidence.

SwimBikeRunBake · 14/12/2025 21:49

How old are your children? If you move out and take the children with you and don't tell him about it beforehand then yes, he will of course be very upset about this and you will have taken his children away from him. How will your children feel about this sudden change and no longer seeing their dad everyday?

It seem like you are making decisions based upon what is easiest for you, not what is best for your children. I am not saying don't leave, I am going through a seperation myself, but think about how your children will be impacted.

RightSheSaid · 14/12/2025 21:52

You need to take legal advice on how to proceed. If he has parental responsibility he has equal rights to the children. Without a court order he can refuse to return them to you and the police will not do anything.

tarheelbaby · 14/12/2025 21:57

Don't tell him until after you have left with the DC. (Don't leave the DC with him! You'll struggle to access them longer term and they will feel crushed.)

Unfortunately, unlike on telly/films, this is not actually a DAY. Do not have a 'brain dump' where you tell him why you're leaving him. Longer term, this may turn litigous and that will be used against you.

Your first day of independence and happiness happens for you. For him, it is a devastating ghost day and, on it, you are far, far away with all your MN ducks in two rows.

If you're doing it right, you and the DCs will be long gone and tucked up snugly somewhere he can't even fathom. HIs only contact will be through your solicitors or your mobile and you can answer that as and when it suits you ... don't rush to respond; check with your solicitor first. Forward any texts/email.

Take your babies and anything else you value.
When it finally goes to court, months later, no one will be taking your babies.

Hugs!!

Original poster

Lorelai123 · 15/12/2025 06:26

SwimBikeRunBake · 14/12/2025 21:49

How old are your children? If you move out and take the children with you and don't tell him about it beforehand then yes, he will of course be very upset about this and you will have taken his children away from him. How will your children feel about this sudden change and no longer seeing their dad everyday?

It seem like you are making decisions based upon what is easiest for you, not what is best for your children. I am not saying don't leave, I am going through a seperation myself, but think about how your children will be impacted.

They’re very young, toddlers. I’m trying to protect them from what could be a very nasty period of time that’s why I’ve stayed so long. My oldest would probably mention his absence now and then but honestly my younger one wouldn’t even ask, as long as he’s with me he’s not bothered. I don’t feel like they would overly miss someone who sleeps the weekend away, causes an atmosphere when he’s stressed or doesn’t like something… my youngest has already started making comments about daddy being angry etc

OP posts:

Original poster

Lorelai123 · 15/12/2025 06:32

Sillysoggyspaniel · 14/12/2025 21:41

If he has parental responsibility and is on the birth certificate then he has just as much right for them to live with him as you do. The court will start off with 50/50, and will favour whichever parent can keep their lives as similar to what they are now as possible e.g. same schools etc.. They won't rule in your favour without substantial evidence.

Show quote history

I feel that we could both do this. The house is literally 5 minutes from everything, my job can be pretty flexible where needed and I think he would either stay in the house we have now or just move to a smaller place within the area. This is why I want 50/50 even though I personally feel I should have more but I’m willing to compromise, I want a decent co parenting relationship (once emotions have settled down) I don’t want it all to be a battle forever. We’re essentially co parents now, we don’t have a relationship anymore and I don’t love him in the same way.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lorelai123 · 15/12/2025 06:33

RightSheSaid · 14/12/2025 21:52

You need to take legal advice on how to proceed. If he has parental responsibility he has equal rights to the children. Without a court order he can refuse to return them to you and the police will not do anything.

This is the exact thing I’m scared of

OP posts:

Original poster

Lorelai123 · 15/12/2025 06:35

tarheelbaby · 14/12/2025 21:57

Don't tell him until after you have left with the DC. (Don't leave the DC with him! You'll struggle to access them longer term and they will feel crushed.)

Unfortunately, unlike on telly/films, this is not actually a DAY. Do not have a 'brain dump' where you tell him why you're leaving him. Longer term, this may turn litigous and that will be used against you.

Your first day of independence and happiness happens for you. For him, it is a devastating ghost day and, on it, you are far, far away with all your MN ducks in two rows.

If you're doing it right, you and the DCs will be long gone and tucked up snugly somewhere he can't even fathom. HIs only contact will be through your solicitors or your mobile and you can answer that as and when it suits you ... don't rush to respond; check with your solicitor first. Forward any texts/email.

Take your babies and anything else you value.
When it finally goes to court, months later, no one will be taking your babies.

Hugs!!

I’m going to look into some legal advice over the next few days. I know this isn’t going to be easy so I need to be prepared, I feel like I should start giving important documents to my parents to keep a hold of as he would spitefully withhold these from me in anger

OP posts:

FusionChefGeoff · 15/12/2025 07:14

Yes re documents especially passports - and also get copies of back statements, his pension information, P60s etc basically everything that will form part of the financials.

Id also suggest protecting photos or memory boxes after an ex of mine trashed all of that after I told him.

If he prefers to sleep all weekend he’s not going to to realistically do more than 50/50 so if that’s what you agree on you can be pretty sure it will only be for a few months before he starts bailing on contact as he’s a selfish arse.

PersephoneParlormaid · 15/12/2025 07:18

I agree with pp. He will say he wants 50:50 to control you, and to not have to pay maintenance , but the reality down the line is that he probably won’t.
If your kids have passports, take them to your mums, along with all other important documents.
Do you have a joint bank account?

millymollymoomoo · 15/12/2025 07:24

i completely disagree with posters saying leave then tell him!

you should sit him down and at least tell him face to face. You cannot think it’s ok to leave, take his children and then phone him?

how on earth would you feel if you came home and his stuff was gone and he’d taken the children to then phone you and say here’s when you can visit?you need to act which maturity and gave a conversation fgs

of course he’ll be upset but stick to your guns but speak with him

millymollymoomoo · 15/12/2025 07:25

And there are many men who do 50:50 in real life and it being nothing to do with maintenance! Only on here is there that skewed view

mondaycando1 · 15/12/2025 09:13

millymollymoomoo · 15/12/2025 07:25

And there are many men who do 50:50 in real life and it being nothing to do with maintenance! Only on here is there that skewed view

My ex's eyes I swear lit up when the mediator told him 50/50 would mean no maintenance (despite him earning practically 3x). He may do 50/50 on paper but I swear I still have more mental load, especially as DC1 has SEN so there's a LOT of school and medical apps to deal with, he didn't even turn up to the last one, only told me about 2 hrs beforehand he wouldn't.

Anyway OP, you "owe" it to him to at least have a face to face talk and as a PP has said get copies of ALL the financial information you can find of his, though being unmarried I think you have startlingly few rights over anything.

MinnieCauldwell · 15/12/2025 09:23

tarheelbaby · 14/12/2025 21:57

Don't tell him until after you have left with the DC. (Don't leave the DC with him! You'll struggle to access them longer term and they will feel crushed.)

Unfortunately, unlike on telly/films, this is not actually a DAY. Do not have a 'brain dump' where you tell him why you're leaving him. Longer term, this may turn litigous and that will be used against you.

Your first day of independence and happiness happens for you. For him, it is a devastating ghost day and, on it, you are far, far away with all your MN ducks in two rows.

If you're doing it right, you and the DCs will be long gone and tucked up snugly somewhere he can't even fathom. HIs only contact will be through your solicitors or your mobile and you can answer that as and when it suits you ... don't rush to respond; check with your solicitor first. Forward any texts/email.

Take your babies and anything else you value.
When it finally goes to court, months later, no one will be taking your babies.

Hugs!!

The babies are just as much the fathers as the mothers. Unless he is abusive. Ops H sounds lazy but not abusive, chances are he will not go for custody as too much effort involved.

millymollymoomoo · 15/12/2025 09:26

@mondaycando1 i never said it doesn’t happen. But there are also mums who refuse more contact as they’ll lose maintenance. Yet that’s never mentioned. Of course some dads are shit. Some mums are shit. But in rl there are many who do not want 50:50 only for maintenance reasons.

regardless of that, to up and leave and take the children without even having the decency to discuss plans and arrangements with their dad is appalling ! Op should have some guys and have the conversation

ShawnaMacallister · 15/12/2025 09:27

Lorelai123 · 14/12/2025 21:37

Where do I stand when/if it does go to court? I can’t have my babies taken from me it would absolutely break me.

Show quote history

Why would they be taken from you? You've already said you're in favour of shared care.

ShawnaMacallister · 15/12/2025 09:30

RightSheSaid · 14/12/2025 21:52

You need to take legal advice on how to proceed. If he has parental responsibility he has equal rights to the children. Without a court order he can refuse to return them to you and the police will not do anything.

She doesn't need legal advice. Private family law is reactive not preemptive so she needs to plan to leave, consider a reasonable and realistic contact arrangement and then do it. No legal advice required unless he decides to mess around.

ShawnaMacallister · 15/12/2025 09:35

I've just read you plan to stay in the house and him move out- so obviously you can't tell him after you've moved out. Definitely squirrel all your important documents out of the house before any confrontation. Get someone to babysit the kids before you tell him and if you really think he will kick off have a friend nearby and your phone in your pocket so you can quickly access help if you need it.

AltitudeCheck · 15/12/2025 09:49

If he's abusive then of course you need to be careful and plan your exit... but it doesn't sound as if that is the case here?

It sounds like you intend to completely blind side him by ending your relationship and moving his kids out, without any discussion whatsoever? Is the reason you want to do it like this is to avoid having to face his (completely reasonable) emotions and make it easier for yourself?

You say he's a good dad but you don't think that removing his kids from him without warning won't damage them, damage their relationship with him (and relationship with you when they process this information later in life)? You think your kids will just forget all about this?

You expect him to then just calm down and be a rational, helpful co-parent with you? If the situation was reversed would you ever be able to forgive him doing that or build a trusting, respectful co-parent relationship with him?

You need to face up to your responsibilities and end this in an adult way and have discussions with him about what is best for your children.

Unfortunately you don't get a 'fresh start' when you leave the father of your children, you get a complicated co-parenting relationship that will last over a decade. How you treat him now will set the tone for that relationship with him going forwards.

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 15/12/2025 10:34

"If he's abusive then.."
He has already told the OP that if she moves out she can't take the kids.
I'd say that's abusive/coercive.
He sleeps elsewhere at weekends. (!)
Kids know that "daddy is angry".
Why are people so anxious for OP to stay put, or to sit him down for a chat before moving out? This is NOT the sort of man you can safely do that with! She literally needs to get her and the kids out somewhere safe, then it's up to him if he can be bothered to argue for 50-50.
OP if you can keep a log of the amount of time your "DP" leaves you to parent on your own, that's got to help.

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 15/12/2025 10:35

ShawnaMacallister · 15/12/2025 09:35

I've just read you plan to stay in the house and him move out- so obviously you can't tell him after you've moved out. Definitely squirrel all your important documents out of the house before any confrontation. Get someone to babysit the kids before you tell him and if you really think he will kick off have a friend nearby and your phone in your pocket so you can quickly access help if you need it.

She's found a house to move into.