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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Advice needed for the day I say “I’m done”

54 replies

Lorelai123 · 14/12/2025 20:42

I’ve decided I’m doing it after Xmas. I have an opportunity for a fresh start for me and my kids and I have to take it so I need to finally do the thing that I’ve been avoiding for YEARS, I need to tell him I’m leaving.

He isn’t going to react well, he isn’t going to listen to reason and he will threaten to take the kids from me (un married and don’t own a home together). I want to share the kids as equally as possible bc he is a good dad although I do far more than 50% of the work and care but still I feel he’s earned his right to have his kids as much as possible. The issue is he is not going to see it this way when I tell him I’m going and I want to take them with me ( I will NOT leave this home without them)

Im really looking for stories and advice from people who went through similar. How do I approach this? When is the right time to do it? Should the kids be here or somewhere else? Do I do it in person or when we’re not in the same house/over the phone? I’m very overwhelmed at the whole situation but if I don’t do it now I never will.
my mum is aware that I want to leave so I have her support and I have a house opportunity for me and my babies.

OP posts:
stormwatcher · 18/12/2025 12:34

He screams and shouts over things he doesn’t like IN FRONT OF OUR KIDS, he screamed at me and kicked a door over the bank balance last week, my TWO YEAR OLD already sees him as “daddy is angry”, this type of stuff may not happen “all the time” but it’s happened more than enough times over the past decade that I’ve had enough.

OP, this is abusive behaviour, witnessed by your children.In legal terms, your children are classed as victims of abuse if they are present and affected by his abusive behaviour towards you.
I would, as other posters have suggested, discuss your plans with Women's Aid or a local domestic abuse organisation.I would also tell your children's nursery-this way, you have disclosed that you FEAR your husband now, you FEAR his reaction and that you are taking steps to protect your children by moving out.
It is not cowardice to keep him in the dark-the most risky time for a woman with a man like this is leaving and/or announcing your plan to leave.
In my case I had set up a rented home, was all set to move when he was at work and email him, unfortunatelly his behaviour escalated and we needed 999 police support etc.
In my case, exposive rants, screaming about finances etc was the step before he assaulted me when pregnant.Nursery commented that my toddler was playing with toys and describing daddy as fighting with mummy.
I stayed for 16 years-the trigger to leaving was his turning on the children and directing the abusive screaming and intimidation at them.

Original poster
Lorelai123 · 20/12/2025 10:10

stormwatcher · 18/12/2025 12:34

He screams and shouts over things he doesn’t like IN FRONT OF OUR KIDS, he screamed at me and kicked a door over the bank balance last week, my TWO YEAR OLD already sees him as “daddy is angry”, this type of stuff may not happen “all the time” but it’s happened more than enough times over the past decade that I’ve had enough.

OP, this is abusive behaviour, witnessed by your children.In legal terms, your children are classed as victims of abuse if they are present and affected by his abusive behaviour towards you.
I would, as other posters have suggested, discuss your plans with Women's Aid or a local domestic abuse organisation.I would also tell your children's nursery-this way, you have disclosed that you FEAR your husband now, you FEAR his reaction and that you are taking steps to protect your children by moving out.
It is not cowardice to keep him in the dark-the most risky time for a woman with a man like this is leaving and/or announcing your plan to leave.
In my case I had set up a rented home, was all set to move when he was at work and email him, unfortunatelly his behaviour escalated and we needed 999 police support etc.
In my case, exposive rants, screaming about finances etc was the step before he assaulted me when pregnant.Nursery commented that my toddler was playing with toys and describing daddy as fighting with mummy.
I stayed for 16 years-the trigger to leaving was his turning on the children and directing the abusive screaming and intimidation at them.

I know, that’s why no matter how scary the future is and no matter how guilty I feel in short bursts (bc when things are calm I almost revert back to settling) I know this is the time I’m finally leaving.. for my babies as well as myself. We can’t live in chaos anymore we need peace and I know that somewhere down the line their dad will eventually find peace too and will realise that he is also happier without me.. he will just need to calm down first.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lorelai123 · 20/12/2025 10:13

SwimBikeRunBake · 15/12/2025 20:37

My advice would be to make sure you have a clear plan in your head of what the future co -parenting situation will look like, how you will work a 50/50 co-parenting relationship. Does your partner work, do your children go to nursery, or will they be starting nursery? Can he do drop offs and pick ups? Is it term time only and what happens during school holidays?

In my experience I needed to have all these answers ready as the most painful part of the separation was when he was distraught thinking that he would only get to see our son at weekends, or worse still every other weekend, and it made it a lot easier when he understood how the future arrangement would work.

Edited

Thank you! This is exactly the advice I needed to see. I’ve discussed with my mum the plan for when I tell him and how to go forward in the weeks after when I will realistically need to stay in the house whilst sorting my new house ready to move in. I’m hoping that we can coexist (which is all we do now anyway) and come to a sensible arrangement about the kids over the space of a week or 2. And if not, then at least I’ll have my house there for me to go to for respite.

OP posts:
Crofthead · 20/12/2025 10:16

FusionChefGeoff · 15/12/2025 07:14

Yes re documents especially passports - and also get copies of back statements, his pension information, P60s etc basically everything that will form part of the financials.

Id also suggest protecting photos or memory boxes after an ex of mine trashed all of that after I told him.

If he prefers to sleep all weekend he’s not going to to realistically do more than 50/50 so if that’s what you agree on you can be pretty sure it will only be for a few months before he starts bailing on contact as he’s a selfish arse.

Pension info?? They’re not married!

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