Advice needed for the day I say “I’m done”

[Lorelai123]

I’ve decided I’m doing it after Xmas. I have an opportunity for a fresh start for me and my kids and I have to take it so I need to finally do the thing that I’ve been avoiding for YEARS, I need to tell him I’m leaving.

He isn’t going to react well, he isn’t going to listen to reason and he will threaten to take the kids from me (un married and don’t own a home together). I want to share the kids as equally as possible bc he is a good dad although I do far more than 50% of the work and care but still I feel he’s earned his right to have his kids as much as possible. The issue is he is not going to see it this way when I tell him I’m going and I want to take them with me ( I will NOT leave this home without them)

Im really looking for stories and advice from people who went through similar. How do I approach this? When is the right time to do it? Should the kids be here or somewhere else? Do I do it in person or when we’re not in the same house/over the phone? I’m very overwhelmed at the whole situation but if I don’t do it now I never will.
my mum is aware that I want to leave so I have her support and I have a house opportunity for me and my babies.

Is your mum close enough that the kids can go for a “sleepover” and you tell him when they’re there? That way they’re out of the house, you can go too if need be, but you’ve not taken them to live in a new place. Fingers crossed it goes well for you OP

@NotbloodyGivingupYet and if op ex said he was leaving op would say well you’re not taking the kids! Totally reasonable !

your me totally projecting about op not being safe! Nothing here suggests that, just a fad who ( rightly ) is going to be massively emotional and upset when his partner says she’s taking the kids!!

op still should have the guts to actually talk to him and not be complete coward

Ok I want to settle a few things!
I am NOT planning to take his kids and run, I am not that type of person but you have to understand how horrific this conversation is going to be. He has a nasty temper and is a very reactive person and acts completely on impulse before any thought goes into what he’s doing!!! He screams and shouts over things he doesn’t like IN FRONT OF OUR KIDS, he screamed at me and kicked a door over the bank balance last week, my TWO YEAR OLD already sees him as “daddy is angry”, this type of stuff may not happen “all the time” but it’s happened more than enough times over the past decade that I’ve had enough. There are a multitude of other reasons why I want this relationship over too but I’m not willing to disclose my entire life one here. I’m asking for help and advice on what I’m supposed to say when the time comes hence the title of the post. Nowhere in that title or description have I said I’ll take the kids and run but you have to sympathise somehow with the amount of trauma this could cause my kids, me and our respective families when he reacts the way I absolutely know that he will. I am so desperately unhappy in this relationship and have been for a long time and I’m scared to death of the change to come but it’s now or never I cannot do this any more.

ALSO
i do not care about maintenance, all I care about is that we share our children as fairly as possible I would NEVER try to keep them from him but should I stay in a unhappy relationship just so he isn’t upset and missing them a few days a week?? I’ll miss them too!
I want 50:50 or as close as but my post is reiterating that he will do everything in his power to stop that happening in the beginning. Surely someone understands my predicament and why I’m so worried and unsure?

He’s told me many times over the years he would make life hard for me in a breakup so how else am I supposed to react or go forward? I’m posting here for genuine advice and maybe find someone who has been through the same with a similar type of partner

Don’t listen to the negative nancys on here!

Get your new place set up, furniture etc then once it’s all ready you leave when he is at work

You can leave him a letter, mentioning you have moved on and out and tell him that you have no intention to keep the children from him. Tell him you are happy to work out a contact schedule. Take a picture of the letter.

Then keep things to mostly text or email then you have evidence of he is nasty or threatening.

My advice would be to make sure you have a clear plan in your head of what the future co -parenting situation will look like, how you will work a 50/50 co-parenting relationship. Does your partner work, do your children go to nursery, or will they be starting nursery? Can he do drop offs and pick ups? Is it term time only and what happens during school holidays?

In my experience I needed to have all these answers ready as the most painful part of the separation was when he was distraught thinking that he would only get to see our son at weekends, or worse still every other weekend, and it made it a lot easier when he understood how the future arrangement would work.

Take the kids on a day out. Leave with your mum. Ring him. Of course you don't tell them it's over with them in the house.

Ignore the male sympathisers, you clearly don't feel safe with this man and his behaviour is aggressive so you absolutely need to do what you have planned to keep yourself and the children safe, you don't owe him a rational chat about breaking up if he is already threatening you.

It’s not about male sympathisers! It’s about simply removing her children from their dad without warning. Anyone would be angry and reactive to that and he would have every right to shout and swear and react negatively, op has no more rights than he does !

and she should actually tell him not just take them and then phone him fgs

On a practical level, I had told my friend I was telling him, had left all our important documents with her and had an overnight bag packed in case I needed to make a quick escape.

None of it was needed, but it was reassuring to know I had everything I needed to move out immediately if I had of been in danger.

I had a similar situation. I don’t know why this thread has been derailed by people saying you should leave without telling him & take the kids. I was advised that would not be seen as good in the eyes of the law & also would not set us up for good coparenting.
What I did, after lots of advice, was:
Got my ducks in a row (so I saw a lawyer, spoke to Rights of Women, gathered the documents I would need and put them somewhere safe - at my mum’s, & also did the same with some photos & jewellery).
Told him when our child was at school so no chance they’d see any argument.
Told my family beforehand so they could check on me if I didn’t call - just in case something happened.
After I told him I went straight to my mum’s to let him absorb it all a bit. Someone told me I would have been thinking about it for months but he’d have just found out so he would need time to catch up. I didn’t want to sit and let him rage at me so I left, and then returned after I’d picked up our child at the end of the day & we talked again later.
Afterwards we had mediation to discuss the arrangements for our child. We didn’t do anything quickly. During all this we stayed in the house & basically coparented - he moved into the spare room.
It wasn’t perfect - it took months - but it was at least considered.
He had time to build a better relationship with our child and is doing better at the coparenting than expected. (It is still not great and he is still angry & controlling etc.)
The main big thing I would say is to make sure you’re not telling him with the children around but also that you’ve told a relative or friend or neighbour you’re doing it so that you’re safe.
Mine was also angry & could turn nasty & i just kept thinking how to be safe & keep our child safe while doing it.

I had a key to my mum’s just in case I needed to go there in a hurry.
I didn’t feel I could tell him with a relative there but if you do then that’s also an option.
The police offered to be there on the day I moved but I asked a relative instead as I felt it would antagonise him too much if the police turned up.
Do call Women’s Aid. They’ll have good advice and you can tell them more than you’d put on a public internet forum!
And do talk to a lawyer - you can usually get a free hour with one before committing.

There is a confusing mismatch here.
The angry behaviour you describe sounds abusive, and the exit plan you are suggesting is one that would be used in the case of abuse.

But you are then saying that you want the children to spend half their time with him. If he is bad enough for you to leave him in the manner you describe then you need to consider whether your children are safe with him. It also gives a very confusing mixed message to the children, to family and friends and potentially to the court system.

I suggest that you connect with a local domestic abuse charity who will be able to help you understand whether/how much your relationship is abusive and how best to make plans for your children.

Have you spoken to womans aid? You need an exit strategy and a safety plan.

i agree there is a bit of a mismatch but realistically unless there is very serious abuse, the courts are likely to give the dad time with his children. I didn’t go to court because I was advised my ex would get 50/50 anyway.
Having been through similar I think the system in the UK leads to a massive headf* where women are advised to leave and protect ourselves but then there is little or no advice about how to protect our children from our exes. And in many (perhaps even most) cases the children will then be alone with the ex & there’s little the mothers can do about it.

I know that there are men who do 50:50 but I’ve never met a single one in real life. I do know countless however that see their DCs one day eow, or not at all.

You need to get your name off the rental agreement for the current house otherwise you will be responsible for any future debt.

@Nevermind17 whereas I know many in rl who do 50:50 or more even. It happens.

this site is skewed towards only the bad dads. There are plenty of decent ones out there too

Let him call you sneaky. You need to prioritise your freedom and safety and that of your children. Please seek professional support from your local domestic abuse organisation to help you to leave safely.

This is terrible advice!

I was thinking the same thing. A man who kicks/punches/shouts in front of his infant/toddler children is NOT a good father

There are certain posters who show up on every similar thread, advocating for menz rights. They have no concern for women's safety, in fact, quite the opposite. They should be ignored. @Lorelai123 please don't let them deter you. Please talk to Women's Aid and contact your local domestic abuse charity. If you want to keep posting here, it's fine to ignore the posters whose main aim is to support men and undermine women trying to leave abusive men.

If her husband is screaming at her and kicking the door over their bank balance, how do you guys think he's going to react to a nice cozy chat where OP tells him she's leaving?

This is an angry and violent man - just because he's only smashed up the house so far doesn't mean OP is safe by any means (or the DC)

@Lorelai123 - well done for signing for the house and taking the first step.
The one thing that constantly pops up in your posts is fear. Fear of his behaviour, fear of his reactions and fear of him. You really need to be fearful of how this effects your DC. He is not a good father. A 50/50 share of parenting only works for children when they have a decent good man as a parent. You seem to be offering this to him as an apology for daring to leave. An abusive man can not be reasoned with or see their children's needs as a first priority because he will want/need to continue his control & abuse of you through the very same children that he says he loves.
You need to contact Women's Aid or a local DA group. They can help you work out a plan and please see a good solicitor who has experience of marital conflict. Do a record and timeline of his behaviour towards you and DC from as far back as you can remember and record current interactions.
And yes, you absolutely need to leave first and then tell him that your relationship is over. I'm hoping that you've read Why Does He Do That already but if not then please do - you need to be prepared to deal with every twist of the truth, manipulation and threat that will be coming.
Good luck my lovely x

if I was you, I’d sort out your new place so you can leave immediately and not have to live under the same roof for even one day. I personally wouldn’t tell him alone or when the kids are around given how he has reacted over a bank balance. He may try and keep the DC with him, and there’s not a lot that can be done about that if he has parental responsibility so you’d have to submit an application to the courts.

Can he even do 50-50 with his job? I’d make sure you’re not facilitating that by picking kids up for him etc, if he wants 50-50 he needs to understand its half of everything, including costs. Hopefully 50-50 will reduce down over time when he realises he can’t lie in bed all weekend.