Adjusting to living alone post separation

[PancakesForElephants]

For those of you who've been through it, please can you share advice on adjusting? I'm a few months into new place, DC not really staying yet, and I'm struggling.

I don't want to live alone but here I am. It's scary and weird and overwhelming. I had lots of people say, oh you'll feel so much better when you don't have to live with ex (he started dating someone else, a "friend" immediately). And I don't. I think he's an arse but I hate the feeling no one's got my back. Noone to discuss decisions with. Noone to plan things with. Noone to share life admin. Noone to tell you it's going to be ok. Noone to help if I got sick.

I try to focus on the positives but I'm finding little joy day to day. Can't be bothered to cook, it's just me, I don't want to go out and be miserable in company, I see a few friends but feels like I'm going through the motions and ex has made me a bit paranoid that I'm awful and unlovable.

I must admit I hated it, my dc were sort of at home but at university/boarding school so not there all the time. I started dating casually after 4 months partly due to boredom, was actually fun and did meet some interesting men just not any I saw a future with but then I met my now husband six months later. We got rather fortunate in that lockdown happened when I was visiting him so what a shame, I stayed for a few weeks

This is going to sound weird OP but embrace the loneliness. Let yourself feel it. You will come out the other side feeling happy in your own company and this really helps if you decide to move onto a new relationship in the future. Why? Because it means you are completely independent and happy in your own company and won’t compromise or lower your boundaries for mediocrity because you are lonely.

@jeaux90 I just feel so sad and frightened.

My ex Dh was arrested for his treatment of me, so it was all of a sudden. I had a complete breakdown and my oldest moved back home for a while. But I got better and started enjoying my time. I made my own rules, no daytime tv. Cook at the weekend for the week. And importantly, make friends! I went to craft groups, political meetings, book clubs. I’ve been on my own for seven years and I love not having to plan my life around anyone else. I love not being scared to go home, not having the check on the shopping.
Good luck, and take your time.

I know. But you won’t. I did therapy for a while to help me get over the trauma of the ex. It helped me reframe the loneliness to my space, where I am safe and happy in my own company. You have clearly been through a very tough time. It will get better and you will
definitely be ok.

Similar to me.

OP, you will get to adjust to your new you and the new life. This requires care for yourself, being realistic that this situation is a big deal you are working with. Expect lows for a while, but with understanding and patience of your own feelings, good days will arrive.
Find things to do, fill time, especially when a day can linger.

I was in a 34 year relationship, married for just short of 30. It was my choice to leave. I lived with a parent for a year whilst divorce went through and finances from our house sale became available. 2 years living alone for the first time in my life and it feels good. No treading on eggshells around a toxic mood.

I wish you well with your future. Set simple goals that are realistic and that slowly motivate you and give confidence in this new life. That could be getting through a day, a week, a month feeling ok. Just don't add pressure to a situation that is already unpleasant , for now but not forever.

Your inability to contemplate or appreciate living by yourself is likely to drive you straight into another unsuitable relationship. What exactly are you frightened of? What is “weird”? Do you have any friends? Try thinking about how you are going to form a strong network around you and develop some independence. You sound a bit immature and self-pitying right now.

OP, you need to change your mindset or you will end up seeking another 'bad' relationship.

You have to create a home environment that you love and reflects your personality. Somewhere you enjoy

I painted my walls with colour (ex had insisted on uninterrupted bleak boring white). I could decorate my ds' room. I could play my music whenever I wanted. I could have the heating on when I wanted. I could cook (or not cook) when I wanted. Less stodge, more fish and salads. Experiment with new recipes. Invite my friends round. Fill my home with books and flowers. Create somewhere interesting and joyful.

What do you enjoy doing? Entertaining? Home gym? Music? Gardening?

Suddenly you have complete freedom to be you, rather than just a plus one. Embrace it. 😊Who cares what your ex is doing?

It’s quite understandable to feel lost, especially if it wasn’t your choice to be alone. Give yourself time, maybe join several groups with like minded interests and see if friendships evolve . I would avoid dating as you would be vulnerable to some arse taking advantage of you. Hope you feel better soon.

Inability, immature, self pitying, that's a bit harsh and unnecessary.

I lived alone after splitting with my ex. I do know what you mean, OP, but honestly, one does adjust. Be very kind to yourself - there's lots to love about living alone, including

• the house/flat stays lovely and fresh and clean
• you can budget the way you want to
• you can do what you like
• no more nasty moods
• no more smells, dropped clothing

I could go on. Take your time, eat your favourite food and watch your favourite TV..in peace.

Bit harsh. And I say that as someone who has lived alone for two decades and generally enjoys my own company.

Nice. Feel better now? It takes a special kind of nasty to want to kick someone when they are at their lowest.

Feeling sad is fine. You have to adapt to this change.

Feeling frightened is also ok as long as you work out what you're frightened of and deal with it.

Concerns about having no one to talk to?
Join social groups. Have a cat / dog / budgie / parrot / fish tank
Take up a hobby that'll bring you into contact with people.

Concerns about the house being quiet and empty?
Lock the door. Put the radio on. Wean yourself into a new dynamic - perhaps you'll listen to the radio more, or have TV in the background.

Feeling like you'll never have anyone in your life again?
Concentrate on friends first. Being needy is bad.

Be happy with your life - and if you're not then work on that.

How old are your DC, OP?
I live alone post-divorce. It's been harder than I expected, too.

Doesn't help that my office is mostly empty, some days I barely have any social contact. Adult DC have been helpful though, as someone to talk with.

My vulnerability is things to do with car or house repair/maintenance, because xH was very good at those.

I am so tired of people over-estimating my abilities which means basically I need help for basic house and car maintenance decisions or actions. I ask for advice who to help me get something done (say on Facebook) and then people say "Oh but that's so easy, you don't need help, you can definitely do that yourself" because then what I actually hear from them is "You are a complete oxygen thief that you can't do that yourself, how pathetic you are!!"

... Because of course when I have tried to do things myself, weeks later someone will get a chance to observe the results and say "This was horrendously done!! Who did this !? How dangerous!" which is why I never wanted to try DIY or car repairs etc. because watching a million YouTube videos will never make me not make basic mistakes that others find easy to avoid.

Anyway, you can live off of jam sandwiches, I wouldn't worry about cooking every night. Or batch cook and reheat, or heat up cans of baked beans. This is fine.

I am working on growing a thicker skin when people ignorantly over-estimate my abilities. They don't mean to make me feel like shit. They're just ignorant.

I'm looking for volunteering to help homeless people because 1. Social Contact 2. will knock me out of self-pity, make me feel relieved I don't have their problems.

Hang in there. x

I know this isn’t what you want to hear but I loved it when Ex left. I enjoyed the peace and quiet. Made myself lovely things to eat and reconnected with friends. Try not to see it as scary and overwhelming. See it as exciting and liberating. Feel sorry for his new ‘partner’ - she’ll get all the shit that you got soon enough!

Why do you feel the need for ‘someone to have your back’? He clearly didn’t. Embrace the fact that you can do this on your own. Be proud of yourself that you got out of a relationship that wasn’t good for you. Did he tell you everything was going to be ok when you were together? Did he help when you were sick? I appreciate it all feels different but it’s good different! It’s ok to feel upset that the relationship didn’t work out. But go out… cook the meal for one… and even if you don’t feel it… just fake it til you make it!

It is a massive change to what you've been used to and it takes time to build the faith and confidence that your going to be absolutely ok on your own.
Fear of the unknown is where your at.
The longer you are on your own the more comfortable you will feel. You with deal with all the things that need dealing with, you will realise you are perfectly capable and you will find your own way, one day at a time.
Women like myself who have lived alone for many years get to the stage where the thought of having to share our valuable space again with someone else is a huge burden/inconvenience. We don't need anyone else having our back because we already got it. That feeling of freedom is priceless, but it is hard earnt. Like you we had to walk that tight rope, no safety net, blindfolded by lack of confidence and faith.
we had to adapt, adjust and just get on with it. Nothing valuable in life comes easy.
but it is so worth it. Keep going,

It’s very hard! I’m afraid I don’t have any magic answers. I’m 6 years in. Kids now teens and we share parenting, so I’m on my own A LOT. Somehow you just have to keep going but it’s lonely and shit!
how old are dc?

I would give yourself six months to a year before dating. Get some therapy, join a few new groups /hobbies/gym/spa. Force yourself to go. After a few weeks some will stick and become habit. Treat yourself to nice flowers and a takeaway. Accept the big feelings and start a journal. In a years time you will be a new woman.

Gradually you unwind and heal, then come out stronger. When I was ready and kids had flown the nest I overplanned initially, loads of fun stuff that I was interested in, not a partner. Met new people, lots of exercise, partied hard. I did too much but I honestly think it helped me to see what I want to do and how I want to live my life. I have the balance better now but it did me good.
You will find your confidence and mojo again, a partner leaving you does knock your confidence. Hang in there...every divorced woman I know is happy after the initial struggle. I am a happy positive person generally but it still took me about 2 years to feel properly happy and alive again
Good luck

It is hard and it does take time. I am 8 months in, and the kids are with me half the time. I definitely have moments where I feel sad and alone still. I think that is normal. What I’ve done is have therapy - this helped hugely. I know that it is expensive and so not for everyone. There are podcasts out there that help.
i make plans for every weekend - not always about seeing friends, often the plans involved cleaning a room or clearing out old toys, or painting. I also cook for the week on a Sunday to ensure I have a nutritious meal each evening (it would be easy just to do toast ). For me, I’ve had to be conscious and intentional - making the effort with myself. In part, keeping myself busy I suppose but it works for me.
dont beat yourself up about feeling alone and scared - give yourself time to grief and to feel what you need to feel but make sure you say to yourself at some point “right, let’s do this!” And try to feel more positive about things

I hear you, this was me pre kids.

My exH left and it was a strange mix of anger, hate, anxiety, scared and grief in loss of marriage.

I was also scared, especially when it got dark and going to bed on my own. It’s different doing it when your partner goes away for a night / week to getting used to this is your new normal, and actually hating it.

Emotions are not water and cannot be turned off by a tap, as much as I wished they were at the time.

Hmm, I am trying to think of things that helped me.

1. Take your time adjusting to what is new for you, I got into a routine of leaving lights on at night then slowly I would turn them off. Register in your mind creaks and little noises, often they happen at the same time each night especially in the colder months with pipes, windows and doors creaking with changing temperatures.
2. invite friends over, make joyous evenings even if sometimes you don’t feel happy inside.
3. say yes to every invite, but drive so you can leave when you need to - also then keeps it cheaper.
4. find new hobbies, even if free ie walking, locally if you like, get a coffee and sit in the coffee shop with a book or newspaper.
5. join local running / walking groups and join Meetup website https://www.meetup.com/ to make new friends that are in a similar position, you’d be surprised how many social groups and little breaks away people do.
6. batch cooking to save money
7. if you venture into online dating avoid the free websites as when free can become more of a magnet for the wrong sort. Everywhere has the odd one, but when people have to be bothered to pay I think it eliminates the majority.
8. ignore “helpful” cliches that people love to yarn on about.

eventually it becomes easier, just watch yourself as I found when I lived on my own I became a little scratchy when I did then meet someone as they were “in my space”. When I realised I was conscious and lead myself out of it.

It’s one of those things people don’t understand until they’re in it, so ignore some weird comments. Good luck, it takes adjusting to a way of life that most people are never ready for.

I think, without sounding flippant, you need to ride it out a bit. It will be really hard, and lonely and it's a massive life shift going from a "we" to an "I", I totally get it's scary. I think you need to feel it, to cry it out, to fully embrace all the things you miss about having a partner. I suspect once that's rolled through, you'll then also be able to begin embracing the great bits, and there will be great bits, sure right now it feels grim every evening not properly cooking but one day that will feel like incredible freedom - nobody to force you into cooking, eat anything you like, fancy granola and yoghurt and a cuppa soup - knock your socks off, nobody can moan! Right now, you're feeling the loss in that moment, and you'll need to feel it, but you will also come to see the good in it.
If you've real security fears then also invest in some security measures, Ring are really easy to just stick up and they do cameras as well as the doorbell systems. You can leave as many lights on as you want to.
Keep meeting up with friends, one day "the motions" will start to feel less like the motions, and one day you'll realise you had fun and relaxed and then that will become the new norm.
Effectively you're grieving, and everything will feel horrid for a bit, and nobody can tell you how long it'll last or what will be the start of you not feeling that way, it also might come in waves. Eventually though, I promise it'll start to feel better and you'll start to adjust, enjoy things again etc. Stick with it, be brave, good luck.

Immature and self-pitying? What’s wrong with you (in addition to your sympathy bypass)?

I'm not alone, my DC are still at home. But:
Things I liked:
Getting all his crap out of the house, being able to rearrange furniture how I wanted it, redecorating, eating what I want, when I want, going to bed when I want, not feeling a sense of dread about what mood he'd be in when I hear his key in the door, not having constant criticism from him...
Things I struggled with:
Not having a partner to share stuff with, plan outings with etc, not knowing how the WiFi, and a few other things, worked (now rectified - it's amazing what you can do when you have to!).
I think it must be a massive adjustment to move into a new place on your own - so be kind to yourself OP.
Spend time making your own space exactly as you want it - make it your safe space.
If you feel lonely, what works for my DD is chatting to ChatGPT, maybe give that a try. She says ChatGPT is always nice to her and can give some quite good advice. It might help.