Adjusting to living alone post separation

[PancakesForElephants]

For those of you who've been through it, please can you share advice on adjusting? I'm a few months into new place, DC not really staying yet, and I'm struggling.

I don't want to live alone but here I am. It's scary and weird and overwhelming. I had lots of people say, oh you'll feel so much better when you don't have to live with ex (he started dating someone else, a "friend" immediately). And I don't. I think he's an arse but I hate the feeling no one's got my back. Noone to discuss decisions with. Noone to plan things with. Noone to share life admin. Noone to tell you it's going to be ok. Noone to help if I got sick.

I try to focus on the positives but I'm finding little joy day to day. Can't be bothered to cook, it's just me, I don't want to go out and be miserable in company, I see a few friends but feels like I'm going through the motions and ex has made me a bit paranoid that I'm awful and unlovable.

I hear you.

It seems a lot of people have escaped an abusive situation and thus living alone is a sanctuary. However this wasn't the case for me. I separated because the relationship was unhappy and we were living separate lives anyway and we both deserved so much more than that but living alone was a shock.

It got better , it probably took about a year. I agree with finding ways to make your new place yours, small bits of joy and things you love help to make it home. It's a great time to join a hobby or group for some company and I did date casually on the time my children were at their dad's. Not necessarily for a relationship but I met lots of fun and interesting people and learnt what I may like or dislike in terms of a partner for the future.

Why are your children not around? Are they grown up? I guess it was somewhat easier as my kids were young and so the 60% of the time they were with me was busy and full on so I enjoyed peace when they were not.

I struggled to spend less time with my kids over all so I put all my energy into having quality time with them. Id get all my admin done so laundry, cleaning, work, etc done whilst they were at their dad's and then focused on being really present with them and doing fun stuff with me.

We got outdoors loads and I really enjoyed it! We eventually got a dog and he has honestly brought so much joy. We love going on adventures with him and he's fab company when the kids are not around. It's lovely to always come home to someone and he's always happy to see me!

I'm rambling but give yourself time and it does honestly lift.

I think about the security aspect (when I finally get to the point of living alone) and shared with close friends that was my main concern with living alone. Having lived alone previously in an upstairs flat in a block with security doors I did feel safer but I don't want to buy a flat as they all seem to be leasehold.

With the help of friends we have a plan in place for when I move, ring doorbell, extra camera or two, outside light and making sure there are decent window locks, even if they have to be retrofitted. If the front door/back door isn't to my liking, I'll get a new ones. On moving day definitely getting locks changed as you never know who has spare keys.

Thinking about coming home to an empty house, I have a plug in thing that goes into the plug socket and has a timer on it, plug in a lamp which then comes on at a certain time of day and have also purchased some battery lights that also have an 8 hour timer on.

God forbid anyone does get in, I read somewhere (maybe it was a thread here) about leaving handbags downstairs, car keys, purse etc rather than have handbag by the bed. I thought made a lot of sense! They can take my car etc but I have got a door wedge that helps me feel safer when staying in hotels on my own so will probably use that too.

Interesting to read it takes time to adjust and settle in, even though I am desperate to move will probably end up crying for weeks getting over the shock of being on my own.

Thanks for everyone who was nice. DC is 15 and worried about forthcoming exams and moving mountains of stuff between 2 houses. And maybe poisoned by ex. I was assuming they'd want to do 50/50 or more with me, but familiarity won for now I think.

Absolutely no plans to date. I don't want rescuing other than by myself, but I've been struggling to see how to get there. I've never lived alone before.

Surprised by the mean posters. At least I'm not randomly unpleasant to people asking for some emotional support and compassion online.

I'm currently mid divorce so this will be me soon. On one hand I can't wait to get rid of the waste of space, he is truly awful. But I have never lived alone before and (ridiculous as it sounds) im terrified of spiders!! It's literally the only thing he is good for 🤣🤣
Oh, and driving on motorways (I'm a huge wuss) but im determined to crack on with my life and live in my new home without treading on eggshells and I pretty much do everything anyway, so less people to clean up after!
Wondering if you're local op? 🤔 I'm in need of some new friends 👋
I'm in the Midlands.

I’m ten years post divorce and empty nest too.

Advice from previous op to identify what your vulnerabilities are develop strategies to reduce their impact. Deal with them head on. For me the neighbours taking advantage of my solo status to take liberties. Simple stuff - blocking my driveway. I intentionally developed the kind of neighbourly relations that meant I could approach them about the issue and we would be more amenable to each other, and more easily resolve.

Reframing the challenges also helpful. Identify the pinch points and consider what they allow/give permission to do. I hated the amount of I spent watching TV. Now I look forward to be able rewatch programmes I really enjoyed and found to be a respite from the seemingly long hours solo at home.

Finally, my solo status has given me the scope to develop an interest that has become increasingly more important to me and given my self-esteem a much needed boost. I genuinely value this, I don’t consider it a compromise or second best. Instead a golden opportunity, to the extent I’m probably going to pursue it to PhD level.

Finally, I don’t deny myself time reading and posting on MN 😏

To add - not all people break up after long fights and fear (yes some do and I appreciate the relief some may feel). Many break ups are from an affair that possibly the other half had little to no knowledge of and others they have an inkling, or just havent got on as well as they could. So some departures are a relief, a sad acceptance and others are a shock. Those that are taken sadly are the most difficult.

People often assume as there are no children involved it is easier, however it is good to contemplate both scenarios. With children it is difficult to see the sadness in their eyes and sometimes behaviour issues or anxiety. Maybe scratchy relationships with the ex and children occasionally used as pawns by some / grandparents possibly seeing less of them or not at all and of course difficulties when you meet a new person with when to introduce, babysitting challenges and acceptance into the food - or worse more break ups for them to handle.

Without children can have a lot of loneliness, little reason or drive to do things (you have to get up and on for the kids), so not having them can , an element of failure / no happy result from the relationship. Some people say “thank goodness there was no children”, maybe they were ttc and would you say “shame you had kids” to ones that do? No, so please don’t assume those with no children that it didn’t hurt / possibly part of the reason for the split.

To add - not all people break up after long fights and fear (yes some do and I appreciate the relief some may feel). Many break ups are from an affair that possibly the other half had little to no knowledge of and others they have an inkling, or just havent got on as well as they could. So some departures are a relief, a sad acceptance and others are a shock. Those that are taken sadly are the most difficult.

People often assume as there are no children involved it is easier, however it is good to contemplate both scenarios. With children it is difficult to see the sadness in their eyes and sometimes behaviour issues or anxiety. Maybe scratch relationships with the ex and children occasionally used as pawns by some.

Wothout children can have an element of failure,

I am 7+ months in. Never thought I’d get to this point. He left us and was with a colleague 10 years younger within days. I will never know the whole truth and if they were together beforehand. I expect they were. 17 years together and I was thrown away. Just like that. Been alone ever since.

Spent months crying, couldn’t eat and like you, couldn’t be bothered to do anything. My children watched me cry every day.

I do everything for my children. dad sees them on a Saturday. That’s it. No one does anything for me. The day he walked away he left me with every responsibility. It has got easier, but there are days when I really want someone to take away that responsibility just for a short time. It would be nice to have someone there to make a decision. Someone to give advice. But I know that won’t happen.

As time goes on, I promise it gets easier and you will feel so proud of what you have achieved and how far you’ve come. Make sure you lean on friends and family.

Sending you a hug and always happy to message you if you need any support x

When ds & I moved into our first home post separation it was lovely, I could read in bed for as long as I wanted, exh hated it as he wasn't a reader. It coincided with me having to give up work due to my health & for the first time I was a sahm, I did the school run in a morning, went shopping, came home & did any housework that needed doing, prepared tea & then had the rest of the time until school pick up time to myself. We were skint, absolutely on the bones of our arse but it was the happiest time of my life, for the first time I felt like a proper mum, after tea ds & I would snuggle on the sofa to watch television or go up to bed & watch television in bed. It was the winter of 2010, we were snowed in for over a fortnight & not even us both having flu spoiled it, we just crawled downstairs each morning, had a sofa & duvet each & other than staggering to the kitchen to make soup or a hot drink we watched television or dozed until it was bedtime. My tips, get your security sorted as soon as you can, don't view your home as a prison, it's not, it's your haven, don't rush to join loads of stuff, learn to be comfortable on your own first.

Utterly lacking in empathy or imagination.Be better.

Same boat. Fucking miserable.

I’m with you. People say that they are there. But they’re not really. There are gaping hours and my weekends are hell. There’s only so many things you can do to occupy yourself. Keep going. It’s shit. Well it is for me. But I trust that I will get there. X

I saw a life coach in the aftermath just to give me direction and work things out. Later on I had help from Women's Aid similar to the Freedom Programme. You have to work on self reliance and resilience.

I think that's part of the problem. I don't know where I'm going. The past me was looking forward to slowing down at work once DC at uni, more travelling maybe. Now financial hit of separation means more work for longer, but once DC at uni I can move where I want. I don't know what I want and I'm not sure how to find out.

It does take some adjusting.

The negatives:

• being alone in the house - use it to go out, do things like hobbies. If you think you may struggle (fri/sat night for me), try to do something in the day so that you get back later
• Being out alone - I like the pub and its ok to be solo in the week, looks sad at weekends to try to avoid
• Just being alone - noone to help when sick, doing eveyrthing around the house yourself. Embrace that by keep thinking that its done YOUR way

Positives:

• Do what you like, no accountability to others
• Travel - if you have the Money, you can often fly to a city for less than 100 (or 50) for a day or one night
• Change the house (if you stay in marital home like me) - repaint
• Use it as a reason to get in shape
• Change routines - doing the same as you did (i.e. getting a takeaway every Friday) reminds you of the past. Find new places to go but off you like the old places, dont baulk at visiting.
• Ditch friends who will take the other ones side
• Date - it's fun!

It's just awful, isn't it. I have to fight self-pity and am not doing at all well with that in the run-up to Christmas. My advice is to get out every day. Wear yourself out. As for the issues you mention, you'll have to find community and friends. My plan is to get more involved with my local community, and absolutely NOT just because I'm single. I never want to put all my eggs in one basket again. Friends and groups and community activities is where it's at. Relationships are too fickle. It's crazy that we build our whole lives on a foundation of romance and sexual attraction. Because we all know how solid and stable THAT IS....

It's OK, you can just put a mug over the spider, slide a piece of card under the mug, and then put the spider outside. Job done!

I think this is a good topic for a thread @PancakesForElephants and only one poster was a dickhead, everyone else is reflecting what I've found the be the range of experiences and some people have had similar experiences to you - and me too. I was telling my counsellor the other day this is like feelings that I am not allowed to have - fear of literally everything, of the future, of the car, of the loneliness and in my case, not having enough money to live on day to day.

I think how it all turns out depends on your family and finances - I thought I'd have a great house or flat to live in and be off on some holidays. In fact I ended up with so little money I don't know if I'll be able to buy anything, and I have barely enough money for food every week. I feel like a complete failure, like I did the right thing and left a 35 year marriage but its got me no where at all. I'm glad some have come on here and been able to say that's how they feel too. I think its natural and there will be grief, but its as if that's not allowed.

Honestly I wish I could! I can't even go near them. I'm utterly petrified.
On a side note though I went on the motorway, and I was fine so calling that a win 😁

Well done for doing the motorway thing @Imawifegetmeoutofhere !

Thanks @DecisionTime123 . The fear is paralysing. I can work, but I feel like I'm not moving forwards in my life at all. I don't know where it's going. I'm so passive, which was a feature of my relationship and probably before. The last 25+ years have just sailed by with me just letting them. I also feel like a failure.

I know I need to toughen up and form some goals and work towards them but at the moment it's all a big scary blank of unknown.

I left my husband a year ago and if you’d told/shown me then how much progress I would make in a year (amid absolute endless hell from him) I would never have believed you. But those changes didn’t all happen all at once. It was one thing at a time. Eg I decided I’d get my eyebrows tidied. This led
to starting to use makeup for the first ever time, spending time on my appearance for the first time. Starting exercise. I now workout every day but back in March I started walking 2-3 times a week. It felt monumental back then; now I run three times a week, lift heavy 3 times a week, swim once a week and walk all the time. I adjusted my eating patterns because I now could. I stopped drinking. I had total freedom in those decisions but it would have totally overwhelmed me if this had all happened at once. But I am finding me again. And if I can do this, you can too.

what I’m trying to say is that it’s ok not to have huge goals identified. I definitely didn’t. I just wanted to make myself feel a little better every day and I was consciously trying to be kind to myself. This is all you need to focus on right now - putting the energy you once put into him into yourself. Slow things down and take it all in chunks rather than thinking big picture. You deserve it. You will feel better in time.

I think I might ready to meet people with view to seeing if ‘it’ could lead to something deeper. @FloydPink if you come back, any tops tips for going in light touch?

I’m not there yet as still living together sorting the divorce, finances and living arrangements out. Separated in the summer. I love it when he’s gone for a few days. I feel at peace. But I’ve usually got the kids or the dog at that time and I can imagine the fun wears off after a while.

i started running a few months back and whilst I’m not fast and don’t go far, I’m enjoying it. When I am totally alone I’m enjoying cooking too, he buys the food and buys me poor quality stuff so I batch cook and fill the freezer a little. I’ve made my bedroom a little cosy sanctuary so I can go up early and read or watch a film in bed.

Im thinking of trying to get a pub quiz team together for one night, getting more sociable with a group of parents my youngest is involved in and I’ve found an evening walking group I’m interested in but feel in limbo because of not having sorted arrangements out.

id like to date or at least look what’s out there too but that will obviously complicate things right now.

I agree with what you say, lot of people say they’re there but few actually are. The meet ups app site someone up thread mentioned looks good.

I lived with exH for 2 years whilst the divorce and house sale rumbled on. It gives you no idea of what is to come.

When I left he was still in the family home and I could have decided to go back at any time; I moved into a nice flat with DD21 and initially I thought I was doing well. this time last year I was really looking forward to Christmas. Then the winter came and the car had issues, we were ill, then we got notice to quit from the landlord (after I'd exchanged on my house so it was in effect gone).

After that a series of issues with housing followed and we are still struggling with the repercussions of that. So yeah, I did the right thing and left a sad and quite emotionally abusive marriage of 30+ years, but if you dont have family or money etc then the rewards may not outweigh the costs. There's no prize for doing the "right thing". I really understand the "fear" both practical and emotional that OP describes.

I have to keep the saying in mind, "the horrors persist but so do I". So far.

I remember this feeling well OP. I used to sit alone thinking what now! Three years on I’m in a much better place and really embracing life. I joined the gym, made some friends and started to socialise a little more - that’s been a huge help. I left with nothing, two pre teens and a bag of clothes for us each. Things were tough and I had to really get my act together and focus on us. Every diy project I completed made me stronger - up until then I’d never attempted to actually do any diy. This house has been completely renovated by me and when he comes over and another project is complete I can see it pains him 😆 it’s ok to sit with your feelings once in while and remind yourself why you left. I started journaling online which really helped me put my feelings down, I also downloaded a gratitude app which popped up daily to remind me to be thankful - three things daily. Could be simple things and massive milestones - they all build a bigger brighter picture. I promise you it gets better.