Who Should Leave?

[elliehamster]

I am in a very difficult situation. My dh is so clever in his abuse, it’s purely psychological but no one but me can see it. It’s covert narcissism. Over the years it has led to me being an anxious mess with no life, I live in fear every day. He moves the goalposts and mentally tortures me. He has given me the silent treatment for 8 days so far, no sign of any let up. He does everything to belittle me, scare me, stress me out and I do all the work with our son and the house. Our son is an adult but with physical and learning disability so he needs 24hr care.
I have had enough. I was planning to leave but then I thought about it. Why should I leave? He should be the one to go. He won’t be reasoned with on any subject and he will be extremely angry if I tell him to go. The abuse will escalate. How can I prove it’s abuse? How can I get him out?

I spent hours and hours reading everything I could find and journalling to work through my unique experiences. But nothing compared to being in a room with a group of women who understood what I had experienced. When you are living though it alone and isolated it all feels personal. But then hearing other women with similar experiences you realise that all abusive men are essentially the same - almost as if there is a script. Then you truly realise it’s not you. It’s very powerful and very cathartic and helps you find your own voice and agency and strength and courage to take the next steps.

Oh dear. I have gone into terrir and despair. I know H is still the sane person as before, I was fairly happily married until the last 3 years when suddenly I started with panic attacks and round the clock anxiety.

Laat night I slept 4 hours after feeling sick, heart pounding, feeling like I cannot escape a dreadful existence. I only slept because of diazepam. Today I an supposed to be having a family outing and cooking a roast dinner for family including mil. I am wrecked. Sick. Shaking. Despair. My mind has led me to this. The reality is no different to before I knew about covert narcissism. In some ways I wish I was still unaware.

I am ruining my own life with constant anxiety. I haven’t got the energy to go anywhere or enjoy anything much. Miserable. It sounds like self pity but it’s strong fear.

You are gaslighting yourself. This is a ‘normal’ response to being in an abusive relationship but it keeps you stuck.

Are you sure you were fairly happily married? Read and journal. Then when the anxiety makes you want to run headlong back into denial you can read what you have written and reality check your feelings rather than being overwhelmed by them. Remind yourself how it really was and how you really felt before you learned of covert narcissism.

I think I am in emotional shock. Got all the symptoms. I never knew who I married and what he did to me.
No, not happily married but my nervous system managed just fine. I did all the housework and most of the childcare but I wasn’t employed so I just got on with it. He accused me occasionally of stuff, he liked to create arguments. But on the whole I could cope.
It got worse after I got covid 3 years ago. Oh and also when my nephew was fatally injured at a young age 4 yrs ago. My H was emotionally unavailabke. But I was used to that. I have good friends. Covid set off the most enormous panic and the anxiety has never ceased.
So in conclusion I used to manage but now I don’t. He creates emotional turmoil on top of my life experiences.

I will start a journal. I know how easy it will be to forget what H does and my emotional state. Thank you.

@elliehamster I did a pros/cons list, and one column was VERY long.

I think you need to give him an out where he saves face. He'll want to be the victim. It sounds like he wouldn't want to care for your DS anyway.

He loves his son dearly. He makes sure he has a good time. He got him dressed and made breakfast today. He plans to take him out later, he wants me to go but I am holding firm that I am not well enough. It’s me that H plays emotional ganes with, not him. H will take it out on me that I will not be going out.

There will be a range of severity of narcissism and I don’t believe H to be on the severe end. I may change my mind noe my eyes are open. We will see.

Can you confide in your GP?

The link from below is from me. I was listening to this today and thought of you. Please watch and see if anything resonates.

Thank you @PocketSand i am going to take a break. I have made myself really unwell with all the reading and learning. I have gone into full blown panic and doom. I can’t sleep or eat or function. I feel completely shocked and exhausted. I am stuck in this awful situation. I am seeing a counsellor on Friday but it won’t be a quick fix of course. Or any fix really. I am seeing the gp this afternoon but they can’t do much really. It’s down to me. Thank you for being here for me.

Remember that you are feeling this way because you are re-evaluating the past three decades of your life and you fear you may be right. You wouldn’t be feeling this way if you really thought you were wrong. Reading and learning about abusive relationships does not cause panic and overwhelm in a person in a non abusive relationship. Why would it?

Be careful not to encourage your GP/counsellor to believe that you are the problem and are feeling overwhelmed because of primary internal issues (depression, anxiety, peri or full menopause, grief, long Covid).

As well as providing emotional support in the short term you may find that being honest with them is helpful if you start divorce proceedings if emotional abuse is recorded in terms of the amount of direct negotiation with H is expected of you during the process and in terms of qualifying for legal aid.

Take care of yourself and good luck

I visited the gp yesterday and I was open and honest with her, I said I wanted it on my notes that it is DA.

One of the first questions I asked a potential counsellor was their experience with covert narcissism. I am seeing her for the first time on Friday. I will tell H I am starting counselling. He thinks I am mentally unstable anyway (can’t think why!) so I am fine with him knowing. And he can pay the bills, I will be using the joint account.

As I say I will leave this thread for a bit, I may come back to it at a later date. Thanks everyone x