Who Should Leave?

[elliehamster]

I am in a very difficult situation. My dh is so clever in his abuse, it’s purely psychological but no one but me can see it. It’s covert narcissism. Over the years it has led to me being an anxious mess with no life, I live in fear every day. He moves the goalposts and mentally tortures me. He has given me the silent treatment for 8 days so far, no sign of any let up. He does everything to belittle me, scare me, stress me out and I do all the work with our son and the house. Our son is an adult but with physical and learning disability so he needs 24hr care.
I have had enough. I was planning to leave but then I thought about it. Why should I leave? He should be the one to go. He won’t be reasoned with on any subject and he will be extremely angry if I tell him to go. The abuse will escalate. How can I prove it’s abuse? How can I get him out?

You’d have to apply for an occupation order unless he’s leave willingly

Thank you. I’ll look into that. He would never leave willingly, he would get nasty. Has anyone suffered psychological abuse / narcissism from a partner and managed to find a way to get through it and find happiness?

Ring the police as soon as abuse escalates - they will put him out especially if there’s a vulnerable child/adult involved

I completely understand how you feel, I live with extreme controlling behaviour that is covered up and not obvious to anybody but me. He has this presence which for me I can tell whether he’s happy or upset with me but nobody else would. I can’t explain it but I walk into the room and I can tell if he’s displeased. I’m trying to work through it by using the the grey rock method which I find really useful. I also don’t react anything he says anymore it’s hard to explain I know but I do know how you feel. We are a year down the road since he told me he wanted to separate, but he is dragging his heels now. My legal team says that Tim is still trying to control everything, including the timing. We are both living in the house as my legal advice is not to move out And I presume he has the similar advice.

I understand your intuition on his presence. I can tell from my husband’s body language. It’s very unnerving isn’t it?

I only realised it was abuse recently and my first instinct was to leave within about 3 months after getting everything ready. I was given the advice to stay put and start the grey rock responses but I am waiting for him to stop the silent treatment and start the verbal abuse which I am frightened of, I will need to stay calm and non emotional but I have never done that before. I’m scared he will escalate his behaviour.

Practically I can’t leave, it was just a reaction to knowing the truth at last. We share care in the home of our adult son with a disability and I wouldn’t leave my son.

Do they eventually get fed up of grey rock and want to leave then? I want him to leave.

My experience is that they do get tired of it when they don’t get a reaction or the reaction they are used to. I totally understand how scared you are, I feel the same, I’m reluctant to bring up any difficult subject as I’m afraid of his reaction. He has never been physically violent but he has violent outbursts where he rants and raves at me. I can’t control him, but I can control my reactions to him, I do a lot of writing about my feelings and really trying to dig deep into what I’m actually afraid of. When he’s ranting at me, I just imagine myself as a big Gray rock and his words are just bouncing off me. I don’t even listen half the time anymore. I have said to him, while holding up my hand, you’re making me very uncomfortable right now, so I’m leaving the room and I have walked out and left him to it, That has stopped him in his tracks. However, you need to make sure that you will be safe and it won’t turn physically violent. Start small, breathe and try to regain your power little by little.

What about reporting it the police so they can do something which would give you a better chance of getting him out? Sounds like coercive control which police are trained to be aware of. Do you have any evidence? Messages, other people witnessing his silent treatment/or your emotional state over the abuse?

Also, if no evidence can you subtly record any outbursts/emotional abuse that is recordable?

He sounds just like mine. He has never been violent but I can’t be sure he would stay that way, I’m just not sure. He does have a wicked way with words and can get angry and his body language at that time is super scary to me but, like you say, I don’t know why. He is at home a lot which is unfortunate. I’m also worried he will try love bombing and I don’t want him any more. He would get angry if I rejected him. Ironic.

Did you tell trusted friends what is happening? I feel I want to but I don’t think many people would understand at all and would minimise it. I think I would feel even worse then.

He is so clever, it all goes under the radar. To anyone else it looks like I am over reacting or being difficult. Just like he wants it. Mind games. It’s very rare he loses his temper, usually he gets quieter with his words which is quite menacing. Literally no one would believe me.

What if you did leave?
You could get away and to a safe and happy place.
Why waste any more of your life?

Leave your son for your husband to care for.
Seek legal advice on how to maintain what is yours.

If I leave he would get so nasty, I wouldn’t easily be able to see my son. He would turn people against me, a smear campaign. He would try every way to destroy me. My mental health would be poor and I would be constantly afraid of being found - I couldn’t go no contact, only low contact. I really wish I could leave and find peace but it in reality it wouldn’t be peaceful.

I’d confide in a close friend you need support. Would you be able to attend a counsellor? Build up your support as if you are like me you have been “encouraged “ to drop your friends too. I think just plan your eventual exit and subtly disengage from his drama. Use signs like stepping back with your hand raised a little ie a stop motion when he gets angry. See how that lands. There is also a technique you should look up called JADE, so you don’t Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain Yourself. There is loads on it on internet.

Abusers often escalate to violence when you are trying to leave. The safest way to exit is with absolutely no notice.

Could you make a plan to move you and your son to a new home and just leave one day while your husband is out?

Really tough, OP.

If you are main carer for a son with disabilities requiring 24hr care, you have a strong argument for staying in the house. A lot depends on the marital assets and how much he/you earn - assets and future earnings will need to be divided/ arranged in a way that both you and your H can afford to live separately, and your son provided for. But if you think he'll refuse to move out, you would have to instigate divorce and get lawyers involved.

Do you have access to money? Consult a good family solicitor if so.

This website has a helpline and has lots of information and resources for women, including those dealing with domestic abuse. Psychological abuse is classed as domestic abuse.
https://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/family-law/

Watch Dr Ramani videos on YouTube. She also has a book It’s Not You.

You should also be aware that the abuse is unlikely to end if you are able to leave - Google post separation abuse. You share care of an adult disabled child of the marriage so the co-parenting is not time limited. Whether you stay or leave you need to learn how to protect yourself and take care of your well-being. I don’t mean you leaving the marital home and leaving your son with him. Even if he leaves voluntarily or otherwise he can still abuse you during the divorce process or after if you have to maintain some contact with him. You need to learn how manage the likely long term reality.

I’m not advising you to stay btw - I left STBEX but the post separation abuse during financial settlement was unexpected. With hindsight I should have expected it but all my energies were focused on the relief I thought I would feel when it ‘was all over’ so I didn’t do all I needed to do to heal and develop tactics to deal with the ongoing abuse.

My STBEX doesn’t want to have to pay ongoing maintenance so started off saying I should work the hours I can whilst receiving carers allowance but has now progressed to claiming that our adult son has no care needs and threatening to report me to DWP for benefit fraud and now claiming that I medicalised our children who were reacting to the ‘rejection and humiliation they witnessed their mother enact on their father’. Completely ignoring medical evidence going back 15 years. Vacillating between bully and victim - I’m a pampered Princess who chose to be a carer as a lifestyle choice because I’m too lazy to work - he is a perfect parent and gave unconditional love to his DC - I have no compassion, I used him etc. He is also now claiming that DS2 is not his son.

Narcissistic abuse doesn’t end when the relationship ends. Don’t make hasty decisions. Read as much as you can eg Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft and get some real life support - I recommend the Women’s Aid Freedom Programme. Beware ‘flying monkeys’ that may tell you how lucky you are.

@PocketSand how awful. Yes, OP - beware. It may well get worse before it gets better - as they feel themselves losing control/ feel the need to "win". (But remember, it will get better!)

This book comes highly recommended: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Divorcing-Narcissist-High-Conflict-Emotional-Beginning/dp/B0DGLN2KRG/ref=asc_df_B0DGLN2KRG?mcid=afbcccd3075930eea005a95eedb4df60&th=1&psc=1&tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=714562057325&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=9742752046206370691&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9190123&hvtargid=pla-2368567926905&psc=1&hvocijid=9742752046206370691-B0DGLN2KRG-&hvexpln=0&gad_source=1

Thank you all for such support and advice. I am grateful. I would like to ask a question - on Friday it’s his birthday. I had booked a table at a restaurant for just us two. Seeing as he is being sullen and withdrawn and barely talking to me (which will magically be my fault of course, I’m dreading him being vile with me about that) should I go ahead with the night out or cancel? I have no idea how to navigate my life just now as this is so new to me.

That is such damaging, dreadful behaviour. I hope you are doing ok now. It made me think about what my h would say and do post separation and I think he would paint me as being lazy whilst he was the caring parent. It’s amazing how they turn it round. It’s projection I guess. He is the laziest man I know.

Thank you. Just the words domestic abuse sends shivers down my spine. I will take a look at the website.

Ironically the worse thing is for H to do a switch because he is the centre of attention and be nice rather than sullen and withdrawn. And then for you to doubt yourself and your perceptions and start to self blame - maybe you are wrong - and be sucked back into a cycle of abuse. You should be more worried about him being nice rather than vile. If he is vile it will strengthen your resolve to end the relationship but how will you react if he is nice?

You need to maintain the appearance of normality so if you are not in danger the best option is to go ahead. Observe but do not engage. Be pleasant but don’t share thoughts or feelings or personal information.

Excellent advice. Ok so today he has switched to sadness and is demanding A Talk. He said, “I don’t know about you but I am destroyed” (he didn’t say “feeling” destroyed). I am so scared, I can’t eat. My strategy is to be bright and breezy and wonder what could possibly be the problem? “You wanted space (he has ignored me for over a week) so I have given you space. I have been tired and needed rest”. Is that a good strategy? I also plan for The Talk to be short. I will shorten it by going to the toilet to leave the room.

If and when he is nice again I will always remember that it is an act and remember my failing health due to anxiety, panic and dread. I don’t love him anymore so that makes it a bit easier. I hope that’s enough not to get sucked in again. I can’t keep being stuck in this cycle.

Hi op

This year I left a relationship which involved coercive behaviour and financial / emotional abuse. I chose to leave our jointly owned home and take our children as I had just had enough

I felt so much better within days of leaving

Yes - speak to people in real life. This helped me think things through, validated my feelings and made me sure I was not in the wrong for feeling how I did

Yes the abuse may continue. XP will on occasion send vile text messages. At this stage I temporarily block him while he gets over himself

He has limited contact with the dc (his choice)

We havent yet addressed the house issue. I have needed these months to recover from the whole ordeal

I’m so pleased for you that you felt better almost straight away. It takes a huge amount of courage to go ahead and leave esp with children. I hope you continue to thrive.