Who Should Leave?

[elliehamster]

I am in a very difficult situation. My dh is so clever in his abuse, it’s purely psychological but no one but me can see it. It’s covert narcissism. Over the years it has led to me being an anxious mess with no life, I live in fear every day. He moves the goalposts and mentally tortures me. He has given me the silent treatment for 8 days so far, no sign of any let up. He does everything to belittle me, scare me, stress me out and I do all the work with our son and the house. Our son is an adult but with physical and learning disability so he needs 24hr care.
I have had enough. I was planning to leave but then I thought about it. Why should I leave? He should be the one to go. He won’t be reasoned with on any subject and he will be extremely angry if I tell him to go. The abuse will escalate. How can I prove it’s abuse? How can I get him out?

@elliehamsterPlease contact a domestic abuse organisation. They will take your situation seriously and can give you advice on your options. You can put your internet search into incognito mode if that helps.

There is help out there. How he’s behaving isn’t right and it’s enough that you think so.

I see you are married.

Is your home jointly owned, or rented?

What's your financial situation?

Whatever the rights and wrongs of the situation he won't leave without making things very very unpleasant for you. Trying to drive him out sounds like a very risky strategy. If you want to split then leaving might be the sensible option, but it does depend on your living circumstances.

Thank you. I had a phone call from a womens helpline and I am hoping they refer me to counselling for such abuse.

@elliehamster you are very new to this and it will take time and support to understand the dynamic and protect yourself. It’s a myth to believe we are sucked in because we still love our partners. Or won’t be sucked in because we no longer love them or stay despite failing health, anxiety, panic and dread.

You ideally want to get to a place of radical awareness. His behaviour will never change. There is no point talking to him. He will never understand your viewpoint. You have been punished by stonewalling and now H wants a talk and expects you to fall into his timetable. He knows you are not bright and breezy but are scared and can’t eat. Don’t pretend to be bright and breezy. This sucks you in. Do pretend to not care. Don’t take the bait. Shrug. By ‘talk’ he is giving you permission to speak after silent treatment to suck you in. He thinks this will be a big thing in your world and an opportunity to manipulate you. Pretend you had forgotten. Ask him what he wants to say and then shrug.

Financially he is not abusive but I’m sure he would be if provoked. We are in a complex situation with the house, but legally I have more rights to it than him. It has been fully adapted for our disabled son. There is no way I would leave because I do most of the care and I never trust my H to look after him properly. Driving him out will be very hard on my nerves and sanity. I really struggle to see a way forward. Counselling may help me with that.

Right. That makes sense. I have taken a diazepam to attempt to calm the nerves.

I shall see if I have time to watch Dr Ramani and get some tips. I need lots of strategies up my sleeve. I keep falling into self pity and I have to stop my thoughts sending me there, it’s pointless.

Good luck. Have some task you absolutely need to get to after ‘the talk’. The more banal the better. Like catching up on I’m a Celebrity - especially if you have never watched it. Or doing something else that is purely about meeting your needs - a bubble bath on a cold day is great as it means he is legitimately locked out of the room.

I’m so sorry you’re living like this. What you’re describing is absolutely emotional abuse. You don’t need to “prove” anything to anyone to reach out for help. Women’s Aid or Refuge can talk you through your options safely and confidentially. You deserve support and you shouldn’t have to cope with this alone.

Been there op.

my advice;
you don’t need any reason To divorce him. You just can. See a solicitor and find out the steps, on a practical level.
they will tell you the odds of staying in the home which are likely to be high.
get a counsellor specialising in DA.
contact women’s aid and ask to do thr Freedom Programme. If you cannot get to it (groups) because of caring commitments you can do it online, whic( isn’t nearly as good but it helps.
read ‘why does he do that’ by Lundy Bancroft, eye opening.
don’t waste energy try to explain it to people with no background in DA. They will not get it.
try to have a trusted friend, family member or other in who, you confide. The process may be a bit tough and you will need support.

good luck x

Get legal advice OP. I left my narc ex years ago. Keep up the grey rock, that way you stop being his supply. You need to be boring. But please please get legal advice and start the divorce. Tell someone IRL for the support. And also….i went to therapy after it was all over. It really helped.

Thank you, the advice is really helping me. I am very interested in the freedom programme. Like you all say, I need as much guidance and support as I can get. I can’t buy books on Amazon as we share Amazon Prime but I can buy the hard copy and read it when he is not about.

He has now switched to being loving, I had the first cuddle in bed for two weeks. TheTalk never happened as I had told him I was happy to listen to what he said but it needed to be calm and respectful or I would leave and go for a bath. He shrugged, looked miserable and told me there was nothing to say!

I also discovered he had told our adult dd (living with us) that I had been ignoring him for 2 weeks. She believed him. I asked her to tell her dad in future that she would not get involved and to stop telling her marital issues.

I am unsure what grey rock means practically. Do I still go out places with him, give him affection when he wants it? When he shares a joke with me, how can I make it boring? If I say no to all his requests to go and have a nice time, he will want to know what’s going on.

As you have adult children I am presuming this has been a long relationship. STBEX and I have been ‘together’ for 30 years. But the abusive dynamic was there from the very start. This makes for a very strong trauma bond and makes it very difficult to see the abuse, believe it’s true (and not you and will never get better) and to leave.

They are not always abusive. There is no cognitive dissonance whilst they are being abusive. Being nice is the intermittent reward that keeps you locked in the cycle. It’s amazing what you can ‘forget’ when the immediate threat disappears with no rhyme or reason.

That’s why reading and doing the freedom programme is so important. It helps you to recall all the things you have been ‘blind’ to over the years. It helps to list them so that you can remind yourself when the hoovering triggers self doubt. What you call self pity is doubt and fear that you may be wrong, that you can’t cope alone etc. It’s not your fault. The cycle instils that doubt and fear in you.

This why he has switched to pretending to be loving. He knows what works. And has worked for years. Plus he wouldn’t ruin his birthday treat by keeping up the silent treatment or breaking it to verbally abuse you. That would only make sense if it were your birthday being ruined by his behaviour!

You need to have eyes wide open not just to his behaviour but your own response. Not to trigger self blame or shame and guilt but to recognise that your response is a normal and human response to ongoing intimate partner abuse and that you need support to find alternative ways of responding in order to break the cycle and break free.

Can you say more about your concerns re ‘grey rock’? It all sounds very passive and he will be displeased if you don’t laugh at his jokes or ‘give him affection’ (what do you mean by this?). Do you ‘have a nice time’? Do you fear his response or being sucked in?

You have described my life perfectly. I’m grateful that you understand. I have been married for 28 years after a whirlwind romance. I have ordered the book It’s Not You and I am waiting for a call on Monday to hopefully sign up for the freedom programme which starts early January.

I don’t understand the rules of grey rock. Today H is being loving and friendly. Although I know it’s an act my nervous system is happy and relaxed, I feel almost giddy with relief so I am being my normal happy self. I can eat without nausea etc. The affection I refer to is just good eye contact, a kiss, a hug. At dinner I expect him to hold my hand and tell me he loves me - yesterday’s apparent devastation being completely forgotten. So how do I respond? I think for now I would like to act normally and tell him I love him etc so he can’t tell me I have ruined his birthday. I am already sucked back in because I am relaxed and I hate the anxiety. I know it’s temporary. I keep thinking that I need to carry on as usual until I understand the rules of the new game.

For the daily interactions when the birthday is over, how do I respond to him? Yes I fear not laughing at his jokes or responding exactly how he likes it. I fear saying no to plans such as a day out, dinner, planning a future holiday. I don’t want to do any of these things, especially a holiday.

I didn’t want to mention what your reaction may be but for you to describe it which you have done perfectly. Happy, relaxed, almost giddy with relief. And all he had to do was ignore you for 8 days. You are not already sucked back in to end anxiety. You can see how this works. He causes anxiety for no reason and ends it for no reason except control and manipulation.

Don’t focus on what he wants but what you need. He has done a number on you and you need support.

OP look. It’s really simple. They shower you with affection to reel you in. They then punish you if you don’t do what they want. Then they shower you with affection to reel you back in. And so it goes on.

You need to take yourself off this roller coaster. Get a divorce. Once you start this process THEN start grey rock. This is how you become emotionally unavailable to protect yourself as you move through divorce.

I feel very stressed today. My adult dd has managed to get involved and she is picking up on the tension. She is demanding that I put things (marriage) right. I can’t explain to her what’s going on, she wouldn’t understand and she would start taking sides probably. I am trying so hard to act normally and it is very draining. I keep panicking about the future when everything kicks off and H becomes filled with venom. I need to find courage from somewhere.

I’m just so overwhelmed and scared. It’s making me feel ill.

H involved DD by telling her you had ignored him for 2 weeks. No doubt playing the victim. Just brush it off. Tell her it was all just a silly misunderstanding. Your saying tell him in future not to involve her in marital issues was just general advice - it doesn’t mean there are marital issues.

In the meantime focus on what you need to do emotionally and practically. Quietly and under the radar.

In case you are worried about the Freedom Programme and being forced to leave before you feel able, you should know that when I attended in person I was in a minority having left my abuser. The majority were still in a relationship and living with their abuser.

Panic is a normal emotional response to fear of the future unknown. But you are not allowing yourself to have a normal emotional response to the known future of vacillating between severe anxiety that leaves you unable to eat and giddy relief based on H’s behaviour. You need to find your truth to work through confusion by reading and sharing lived experience. Courage will naturally follow.

Did you go out for H’s birthday? How was it?

Has it thrown you back into confusion? Do you feel yourself being sucked back in?

How do the events of the past week relate to you feeling overwhelmed and scared today?

I did go out for H birthday and I was calm. Unusual for me, but he was being nice.

I felt ok this morning, I felt in control. I wasn’t being sucked back in. I think my dd’s reaction set me off - I feel I am about to cause heartache and confusion for my family when I change the dynamics and especially when I am ready for a break up. I feel terrible about it.

H has just swept me up in a hug and kiss. I am a liar for reciprocating. I am living a life of pretence and fear of being found out.

The past week has been such a huge shock. I never knew H was calculating and was out to continually hurt me. It feels like I hate him. I certainly hate my situation where there doesn’t seem to be a solution. Whichever way I look at it, I lose.

I need to find calm and courage. I need to find my inner strength and to feel like I can rely on myself.

About my dd. The other day I chose to tell dd that she should plan to move out whilst she was considering where to study her Masters. She didn’t want to so I gently told her that her dad would be getting very grumpy and difficult. She guessed that I was considering finishing the marriage. Since then she keeps pressuring me to just put things straight and get back to normal. I won’t give any further information on her dad’s antics to her as she would minimise it.

Not without hard work. Instead of doing the work you are self sabotaging. Everyone’s life wlll be easier if I just put up and shut up and I won’t feel crippling anxiety today if I am blind to reality and pretend the pattern won’t repeat.

This is absolutely normal. You need support to break the cycle. ATM you are expecting too much of yourself. ATM you have no agency. None. You don’t love H but reciprocate being swept up in a hug and kiss. And then feel shame. You have no chance of finding calm, courage, inner strength or feel you can rely on yourself unless allow in the experience and understanding of others who have been in a similar position and found a way through.

Focus on being enough to accept the help that is there for you.

Good luck with your journey xx

@PocketSand thank you so much for your time and advice. It really is appreciated. Is the freedom programme the only way to find real people to support me? I know 1:1 therapy will be needed too.