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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

My H starts a new job in Jan can I leave now or not fair

74 replies

Hulkkkk · 29/10/2025 23:30

Ive been trying to leave my husband for 2 years. He is horrible and lazy and we have nothing in common. He talks to me like shit

I really need him to be stable thouugg for the kids. And hes not stable at the best of times. I tried to leave but he persuaded me to stay

Now we are 2 months from Xmas so I feel I can't. But then he starts a new job in Jan so he will poss lose that job if I do it esrly 2026. I know this is risk becsuse when I tried to tell him in March this year he stopped going to work and when he did he had a weird panic attack (I think faked( and had to be driven home by his boss

I need him to keep his job and his sanity or the kids security and safety will be at risk

So keep bottling it. What do I do? Now??? Before Xmas?? But once new job starts i wait what 6 months? Im miserable

OP posts:
FancyCatSlave · 29/10/2025 23:38

Do it tomorrow. You aren’t responsible for a grown adult. Putting it off is damaging you.

ItWasTheBabycham · 29/10/2025 23:42

Do it now. There will never be a “good” time. You can’t count on him for stability but that will not change. Good luck OP x

Pistachiocake · 29/10/2025 23:58

I had an ex dump me when I was in the first training period of a new job, and it was really hard. There were no kids involved, is the only positive, but it really made my life hard, and affected me for a long time. Sure, there's no law saying he had to stay with me, but it would have been much kinder for him to have waited a few months, so I would wait. You could maybe look into counselling; even if you do still break up, they can maybe advise on coping strategies/how to support the kids.
Your choice obviously, but you are asking for advice and opinions.

GinintheBin · 30/10/2025 00:03

Just go. Your life is as important as his. This situation must be really crap for your kids, too. Trust me, it will all be worth it.

Jammington · 30/10/2025 00:03

He's not stable though.
And he never will be while 'being unstable' means you stick around.

In fact going now gives him 2 months to dry his tears & then crack on in this new job. Perfect.

MooDengOfThailand · 30/10/2025 00:41

Do it now. He'll never change

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/10/2025 00:46

I agree with doing it now. He could get hit by a bus and need a full time carer, or have a death in the family or any number of unforeseen things that would then make you feel you couldn’t leave him. He’d still be a lazy nasty arsehole. Just do it.

MossAndLeaves · 30/10/2025 00:57

Now seems like the best time. Gives him 2 months to get settled before the new job.

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 30/10/2025 01:30

Do it ASAP. You are currently enabling his coercive abuse of you. Stop letting him manipulate you.

Get all the paperwork that proves what he earns etc, then leave and file for divorce.

99bottlesofkombucha · 30/10/2025 01:36

He sounds like he will lose his job when you leave no matter when you leave, so you need to sit down and work out how finances work with your ex not having a job and then go for it. Anything you get from him before he chucks in the job is a bonus, he might realise the dramatics aren’t getting you back and pull himself together and contribute financially down the track but you can’t count on him.

jeaux90 · 31/10/2025 11:22

I’d pull the trigger now. DC do not need to see this dysfunctional relationship for a moment longer and you don’t need to subject yourself to this for a second more. You will have a nice peaceful Christmas.

CrimsonStoat · 31/10/2025 11:24

Leave now, otherwise you will always be at his beck and call. He'll always suddenly have an "event".

You do know it's all deliberate to stop you leaving? It's worked so far, because you're still there.

Linenpickle · 31/10/2025 11:25

Leave now. He doesn’t give a shit about you so make this a mutual feeling.

Timeforhector · 31/10/2025 11:25

He will try all manner of manipulative shit to stop you leaving because it worked last time.
Bite the bullet and do it as soon as you can make arrangements that suit you and your DC.
Just ignore his histrionics

UnimatrixZeroOne · 31/10/2025 11:31

Pistachiocake · 29/10/2025 23:58

I had an ex dump me when I was in the first training period of a new job, and it was really hard. There were no kids involved, is the only positive, but it really made my life hard, and affected me for a long time. Sure, there's no law saying he had to stay with me, but it would have been much kinder for him to have waited a few months, so I would wait. You could maybe look into counselling; even if you do still break up, they can maybe advise on coping strategies/how to support the kids.
Your choice obviously, but you are asking for advice and opinions.

This is a terrible suggestion.
Leave now.

MustbeLoveontheBrain · 31/10/2025 11:32

Pistachiocake · 29/10/2025 23:58

I had an ex dump me when I was in the first training period of a new job, and it was really hard. There were no kids involved, is the only positive, but it really made my life hard, and affected me for a long time. Sure, there's no law saying he had to stay with me, but it would have been much kinder for him to have waited a few months, so I would wait. You could maybe look into counselling; even if you do still break up, they can maybe advise on coping strategies/how to support the kids.
Your choice obviously, but you are asking for advice and opinions.

But I doubt you were horrible like Op's STBEXH. Why should she put his mental health above her own?
Go now OP he's going to be a pain whenever you do it.
I would just take it for granted that he will lose his job and not be stable and work around it

N0Tfunny · 31/10/2025 11:32

It doesn’t matter when you leave, he will do the same things eg become “ ill”, quit his job , have a breakdown or whatever drama he needs to create to make everyone feel sorry for him and make you feel guilty for leaving.

You said yourself - he’s lazy and horrible so he’s not going to look after his kids or pay child support anyway. So you might as well go now and get started on your new life.

Imbusytodaysorry · 31/10/2025 11:47

99bottlesofkombucha · 30/10/2025 01:36

He sounds like he will lose his job when you leave no matter when you leave, so you need to sit down and work out how finances work with your ex not having a job and then go for it. Anything you get from him before he chucks in the job is a bonus, he might realise the dramatics aren’t getting you back and pull himself together and contribute financially down the track but you can’t count on him.

This

Teeteringonthebrink45 · 31/10/2025 11:55

I could write you a very long list of all the reasons I delayed leaving my miserable long term relationship… from work to the children’s birthdays to his parent’s serious illness/surgery - in the end I just had to do it. And after I did he told me he was in deep shit with work and possibly going to lose his job, so if I’d known that it would have been another reason to stay (and that HR issue still isn’t resolved now, 8 months later). I say this gently, but you can make excuses or justifications to stay forever, or you can just do it. It’s hard and scary but if you know you need to leave, leave.

Original poster
Hulkkkk · 31/10/2025 22:38

god yes. I remember this feeling last year "cant do it before xmas"....and now here i am. Sometimes I imagine myself at 70 and imagine the regret I will feel if I just put up amd shut up. Why do I know something to be true and yet still cant do it??

Its the kids. My kids are really happy. They're young - 5 and 6 - i cant bear to rip the rug from under them. In March when I tried to leave and he refused to go to work...he also screamed and rolled around on the floor like a madman in front of the kids. In the aftermath...I said to him how unacceptable that was and he was like "are you fuxkung kidding? You tell me you want a divorce and then blame me for being upset". His anger is more important than anything - including his own young kids. He describes himself as petty and revenful! He literally admits it!

When you know that about someone - that they will make the kids scared and upset - how do you do it?? I couldn't give a shit about anything else...him hating me, being single, being a single mum, money...all of that i can navigate...but the kids being subjected to that level of rage....is v v hard to stomach

I guess im just trying to woek out the best timing to reduce the rage and dysfunction even a little. But maybe you're all right that there is nothing I can do to reduce it.

OP posts:
Pbjsand · 31/10/2025 22:47

There Will never be a time when it’s “stable” enough to leave. He will make sure of it. Manipulative idiot.

FancyCatSlave · 31/10/2025 22:51

One of my best friends left her ex by getting a house rented, gradually moving the essentials in and then only telling him once they had gone. A family member did the handovers for children and the police were aware. He wasn’t violent though, just a manipulative arse.

If you won’t have the financial means for that or suitable family to go to, get a refuge sorted and then get out. You won’t look back.

toottoot3 · 31/10/2025 23:08

He is the problem, not what month it is, there will always be a reason to stay,
2 months to sort himself out sounds like your doing him a favour, as he can't keep a job anyway. Once you leave his panic attacks are not your problem

99bottlesofkombucha · 31/10/2025 23:15

Hulkkkk · 31/10/2025 22:38

god yes. I remember this feeling last year "cant do it before xmas"....and now here i am. Sometimes I imagine myself at 70 and imagine the regret I will feel if I just put up amd shut up. Why do I know something to be true and yet still cant do it??

Its the kids. My kids are really happy. They're young - 5 and 6 - i cant bear to rip the rug from under them. In March when I tried to leave and he refused to go to work...he also screamed and rolled around on the floor like a madman in front of the kids. In the aftermath...I said to him how unacceptable that was and he was like "are you fuxkung kidding? You tell me you want a divorce and then blame me for being upset". His anger is more important than anything - including his own young kids. He describes himself as petty and revenful! He literally admits it!

When you know that about someone - that they will make the kids scared and upset - how do you do it?? I couldn't give a shit about anything else...him hating me, being single, being a single mum, money...all of that i can navigate...but the kids being subjected to that level of rage....is v v hard to stomach

I guess im just trying to woek out the best timing to reduce the rage and dysfunction even a little. But maybe you're all right that there is nothing I can do to reduce it.

They get to come home to a house that he never ever steps foot in and have that their safe place op, that’s how kids find stability

CrimsonStoat · 01/11/2025 09:15

The only way to reduce the rage is to leave. Sort all your paperwork etc out beforehand, do it, then tell him you want a divorce. That way he can only rage on his own and he won't because it's performative and he's got no one to perform to.

If he plays the suicide card once you're gone, which a lot of them do, ask the police to do a welfare check. That'll embarrass him. On no account actually engage with it because again it's performative and designed to drag you back.