My H starts a new job in Jan can I leave now or not fair

[Hulkkkk]

Ive been trying to leave my husband for 2 years. He is horrible and lazy and we have nothing in common. He talks to me like shit

I really need him to be stable thouugg for the kids. And hes not stable at the best of times. I tried to leave but he persuaded me to stay

Now we are 2 months from Xmas so I feel I can't. But then he starts a new job in Jan so he will poss lose that job if I do it esrly 2026. I know this is risk becsuse when I tried to tell him in March this year he stopped going to work and when he did he had a weird panic attack (I think faked( and had to be driven home by his boss

I need him to keep his job and his sanity or the kids security and safety will be at risk

So keep bottling it. What do I do? Now??? Before Xmas?? But once new job starts i wait what 6 months? Im miserable

How are things this morning? I think what others are saying is correct. He’s abusive and it’s when they know you’re leaving that abusers become the most dangerous.

So to protect you and your DC, stop talking to him about things not working, he’s not going to change.

See a Solicitor specialising in Family Law, make that appointment today.

Could you get some support to do this? Send kids to a friend and have your dad/brother/mate sit in another room whilst you tell him?

If you think he might hurt you, you might need to speak to Women’s Aid?

Leave him today. Don’t tell him, just sort out a place you can go with the kids and get out. If you feel you need to give an explanation or tell him about key dates and times things need to happen by, leave him a letter instead - this means there’s no opportunity for him to argue with you or talk you down. Don’t answer his calls or texts - just mute him until you’re in a good mood and able to be strong and not be guilted into getting back together.

Ask friends/family to be there with you and help you move your stuff out - or better yet ask if they can do it for you. Cut off all the opportunities where he could make you feel guilty about leaving - he’s a grown man and he can and will deal with it.

If you need a divorce, make sure the ball is rolling with a solicitor before you go and that you already have all the info you need.

The kids are not going to be happier with you staying together. There might be a period of adjustment that’s tough, but they’ll be so much better in the long run, because the alternative is learning from you that they should stay in unhappy relationships, or learning from him that it’s ok to treat their partners awfully. Take them out of the situation and they’ll adjust, and be better for it.

I know this might all seem like drastic measures, but he knows how to manipulate you and make you too guilty to leave. It will be really hard, and he’ll try everything he can to make you feel terrible and stop you going, every excuse and emotional blackmail under the sun, but stay strong. You can weather it, and when you’re out the other side and you’re finally free it’s the best feeling in the world. You can do it OP.

Whose house is it? Can you pack him a bag so you can go to his parents?

I totally get you, I’m in a very similar situation…in fact I could have written a lot of your post myself. If it wasn’t for our baby, I’d be gone a long time ago, but he is unstable and shit will hit the roof if I leave. I have no advice I’m afraid, I’m yet to figure it out, but I just wanted to say that I know it’s not as easy to leave as some who are not in this situation think it is.

Have you got somewhere to go ? Or hoping he will leave ? I’d you have if just start moving stuff bit by bit, then go.

I don’t want to pile on as I can imagine how you’re feeling @Hulkkkk- when I posted last year and numerous MN replies told me to leave immediately I knew I couldn’t, it took me a bit longer to figure the logistics out - @Cinai I also agree with what you say (that it’s not as easy as other might think) but as somebody who did it 7 months ago after thinking it was impossible I’m here to say that you can and will find a way to leave, and for you and your children you must. You do not need his permission, you just need to get your own head around how to make it work in practical terms (I already said how I did it upthread!).

@CinaiI hope you do get the courage to leave at some point soon. You sound totally miserable

How's it going @Hulkkkk.....did you decide what to do?

Do you have a plan where to go?

you don’t need to offer an explanation, you don’t need to talk to him. He’s DELIBERATELY unreasonable so there’s no point in talking to him. Get your important stuff together, move it out the house when he’s not there (documents etc).

if you’re planning on staying in the house then he’s not going to leave reasonably - you’re going to need an occupation order which with no work you’re not going to get and it’s going to take months.

if you can, leave yourself. With the children.

But if I leave - it pay the mortgage alone right now - he doesnt even know how/to whom. So if I leave...I'll be stuck paying a mortgage alone for him to live in our family home. And I know I can force the sale but it will take so long to do that/sell. I cant afford to pay mortgage for our home and rent a flat long term while he pays for nothing. I need him to leave. When we talked about splitting in March he told me he'd found some flats for himself so yhink he presumes he will be the one to leave but then he never actually left so....

Will the house have to be sold anyway to pay him off?

You've waited 2 years already. There will never be a good time but now is the time. Don't let it roll into 2026 and before you it, it's been 3 years.

If need be, make out to him you're being kinder to do it now than when he's concentrating on his new job and it's a fresh start for all in the New Year.

I feel you. I’m in the same situation. If you can afford to leave, leave. He is not your problem. Sending you a virtual hug.

Super puas, estetiknya bikin kagum 👌JO777 bikin ketagihan

I believe the majority of posters upthread are correct. He is staging illness, panic attacks, depression etc to keep you like a yoyo on a string. Like those people who theaten to kill themselves if you leave them, but never do. He is a fully functioning adult and you are not responsibly for his deficiencies.

Was im an abusive physical,mental,emotional relationship 4 little kids under 5..it wasn't safe to even discuss it with him so I sorted all I would need secretly for 2 weeks and when he was at work off I went with the kids and never looked back...Later that day he ended up getting arrested because he went to my brothers work and kicked off this then resulted in a no contact order from the court..That was 15 years ago and I have a wonderful new relationship a bunch of great stable teenagers and younger ones and it's the best thing I ever did...But it took courage, a lot of planning and acting normal while still with him and also a year of making do with what we had just getting bills paid and basic food until I got swapped my part-time job for a full-time job. The kids have recently been asked it they want to see there dad and all 4 said no which in a way is easier, but have no problems if or when they do want to as there older now

If he blames you for losing the job in the new year because you left him….well, no, it’s him.

It doesn't matter how many threads you do on this @Hulkkkk you are always going to get the same result & answers my lovely.

You need to urgently contact your local DA services and get support to end this. If you get knocked back then try again or find somewhere that will help you.
You are not destroying your DC's lives but leaving their father (I detest the phrase causing a broken home because it's already broken by the abuser) is NOT destroying their lives because for every day you stay in this horrible toxic situation their lives are being destroyed and tainted anyway.
You need to start making a case with DA advisers to go to court and get him legally removed from the home and you need to have an honest conversation with your DC's school safeguarding teams. This may or may not lead to SS involvement but you need help here because you are clearly floundering.

He is sensing a change in your determination to end your relationship which is why he's suddenly found a job. You know how this will end don't you? He will start and walk out or he'll find a reason not to start at all. How many chances are you going to give this piece of shit? In my book he's used all his chances up some time ago.

Every day that you let this situation continue makes you complicit in maintaining this horror....every day. End this for your children's future happiness and mental health.

He’s emotionally blackmailing you OP. Leave him as soon as you want - he’s not your responsibility.

@Nocookiesforme your first line made me cry. Not in a bad way. But you hit nail on the head. I keep somehow looking for a way out. Posting here. Asking for support from strangers. But there is no bloody alternative to just doing it and gritting my teeth. Telling him. Asking him to leave. If he doesnt - i leave and force sale of house. Right?

You really do need professional advice before doing anything @Hulkkkk. Getting divorced can be complicated, especially splitting assets and forcing the sale of your home. I would not make a move until you’ve spoken to a DA charity and a Solicitor specialising in Family matters. Rights of Women give free advice although it might be hard to get through.

Please do make those calls today though, first to a DA Charity and then find a Solicitor. It may be a few weeks until you can safely start to leave the relationship, but at least you’ll be further along the process of getting away from him.

And I agree with all of this ^