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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

My H starts a new job in Jan can I leave now or not fair

74 replies

Hulkkkk · 29/10/2025 23:30

Ive been trying to leave my husband for 2 years. He is horrible and lazy and we have nothing in common. He talks to me like shit

I really need him to be stable thouugg for the kids. And hes not stable at the best of times. I tried to leave but he persuaded me to stay

Now we are 2 months from Xmas so I feel I can't. But then he starts a new job in Jan so he will poss lose that job if I do it esrly 2026. I know this is risk becsuse when I tried to tell him in March this year he stopped going to work and when he did he had a weird panic attack (I think faked( and had to be driven home by his boss

I need him to keep his job and his sanity or the kids security and safety will be at risk

So keep bottling it. What do I do? Now??? Before Xmas?? But once new job starts i wait what 6 months? Im miserable

OP posts:
notatinydancer · 01/11/2025 11:39

Do it asap. Better for everyone. If he loses his job it’s only his fault.

researchers3 · 01/11/2025 11:53

Pistachiocake · 29/10/2025 23:58

I had an ex dump me when I was in the first training period of a new job, and it was really hard. There were no kids involved, is the only positive, but it really made my life hard, and affected me for a long time. Sure, there's no law saying he had to stay with me, but it would have been much kinder for him to have waited a few months, so I would wait. You could maybe look into counselling; even if you do still break up, they can maybe advise on coping strategies/how to support the kids.
Your choice obviously, but you are asking for advice and opinions.

Presumably you're a good person and would have been deserving of the consideration.

There is nothing about the OPs post to suggest her H is a good man. The opposite in fact.

Why do his needs trump hers? And the kids?

Leave asap OP. There will always be reasons to put it off. You only get one life.

miyafliker03 · 01/11/2025 11:55

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Teeteringonthebrink45 · 01/11/2025 13:00

Yes as others have said I think if you can find a way to make it work, leave him,
move out, and be gone before he can try and talk you out of it. I spent months knowing I couldn’t stay forever, then one day I just decided I’d finally had enough (and I’d finally saved up enough money), so I started secretly arranging to rent a flat, buying things I needed and hiding them at friends houses, got lots of stuff donated via a local network by saying I was escaping a bad situation, then took time off work and moved out while he was on a work trip. Sent him an email the day before he returned to tell him we had gone. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever ever done but in other ways the last few years of misery was harder. He was emotionally abusive and awful to me and constantly shouting at the children (who were 8 and 5), and while i thought it would be terrible for them they surprised me and mostly just got on with it in our new situation.
I got a lot of strength and courage from posting and reading other people’s stories on MN so I hope this can help you too.

Original poster
Hulkkkk · 02/11/2025 14:23

Thanks everyone. Hes so unpleasant to be around. After the terrible incident from last night hes lecturing me about islam and policing. Things he knows nothing about. He talks at me and if I try to say anything different he'll get v annoyed quickly. Hes so defensive. He brings up minor things from years ago (not liking a drink he made me or something). He keeps talking to me about the future "next year you're going to have to buying your stupid face cream if you want a new sofa". Im the one working full time and paying for it all. He paid a large bill a few months ago and hasn't contributed to rhe mortgage or bills since. I acrually finding myself physically recoiling

OP posts:
No5ChalksRoad · 02/11/2025 14:31

Hulkkkk · 31/10/2025 22:38

god yes. I remember this feeling last year "cant do it before xmas"....and now here i am. Sometimes I imagine myself at 70 and imagine the regret I will feel if I just put up amd shut up. Why do I know something to be true and yet still cant do it??

Its the kids. My kids are really happy. They're young - 5 and 6 - i cant bear to rip the rug from under them. In March when I tried to leave and he refused to go to work...he also screamed and rolled around on the floor like a madman in front of the kids. In the aftermath...I said to him how unacceptable that was and he was like "are you fuxkung kidding? You tell me you want a divorce and then blame me for being upset". His anger is more important than anything - including his own young kids. He describes himself as petty and revenful! He literally admits it!

When you know that about someone - that they will make the kids scared and upset - how do you do it?? I couldn't give a shit about anything else...him hating me, being single, being a single mum, money...all of that i can navigate...but the kids being subjected to that level of rage....is v v hard to stomach

I guess im just trying to woek out the best timing to reduce the rage and dysfunction even a little. But maybe you're all right that there is nothing I can do to reduce it.

What the fuck. You know they are traumatized by that, right?

Why can’t you remove the children from his reach before you tell him you are leaving? Have you anyone to be with you?

what an absolute abusive loser he is.

CrimsonStoat · 02/11/2025 16:23

Hulkkkk · 02/11/2025 14:23

Thanks everyone. Hes so unpleasant to be around. After the terrible incident from last night hes lecturing me about islam and policing. Things he knows nothing about. He talks at me and if I try to say anything different he'll get v annoyed quickly. Hes so defensive. He brings up minor things from years ago (not liking a drink he made me or something). He keeps talking to me about the future "next year you're going to have to buying your stupid face cream if you want a new sofa". Im the one working full time and paying for it all. He paid a large bill a few months ago and hasn't contributed to rhe mortgage or bills since. I acrually finding myself physically recoiling

So when are you leaving?

MrsPrendergast · 02/11/2025 16:38

Best thing to do is find somewhere where you and the children can live. Move out whilst he's not around. Then tell him by text or email so he can't kick off in front of the children. I'd avoid telling him your new address for a while.

And make sure that you have another adult with you and the children when you HAVE to see him

Leave ASAP

BellissimoGecko · 02/11/2025 17:14

Pistachiocake · 29/10/2025 23:58

I had an ex dump me when I was in the first training period of a new job, and it was really hard. There were no kids involved, is the only positive, but it really made my life hard, and affected me for a long time. Sure, there's no law saying he had to stay with me, but it would have been much kinder for him to have waited a few months, so I would wait. You could maybe look into counselling; even if you do still break up, they can maybe advise on coping strategies/how to support the kids.
Your choice obviously, but you are asking for advice and opinions.

No way. OP is not doing this lightly. She has been unhappy for two years.

op, leave now. Nothing will get any easier, and your h won’t get any more stable. You are not better to make him stable. He’s an adult and is responsible for himself.

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 02/11/2025 18:11

Hulkkkk · 31/10/2025 22:38

god yes. I remember this feeling last year "cant do it before xmas"....and now here i am. Sometimes I imagine myself at 70 and imagine the regret I will feel if I just put up amd shut up. Why do I know something to be true and yet still cant do it??

Its the kids. My kids are really happy. They're young - 5 and 6 - i cant bear to rip the rug from under them. In March when I tried to leave and he refused to go to work...he also screamed and rolled around on the floor like a madman in front of the kids. In the aftermath...I said to him how unacceptable that was and he was like "are you fuxkung kidding? You tell me you want a divorce and then blame me for being upset". His anger is more important than anything - including his own young kids. He describes himself as petty and revenful! He literally admits it!

When you know that about someone - that they will make the kids scared and upset - how do you do it?? I couldn't give a shit about anything else...him hating me, being single, being a single mum, money...all of that i can navigate...but the kids being subjected to that level of rage....is v v hard to stomach

I guess im just trying to woek out the best timing to reduce the rage and dysfunction even a little. But maybe you're all right that there is nothing I can do to reduce it.

My kids are really happy.

Cats don't just purr when they are happy. They also purr when they are scared. Have you never acted nice around someone to appease them? Doesn't it occur to you that your children, who are completely powerless, will do anything to appease the adults who decide whether they get their next meal?

MustbeLoveontheBrain · 02/11/2025 21:25

MrsPrendergast · 02/11/2025 16:38

Best thing to do is find somewhere where you and the children can live. Move out whilst he's not around. Then tell him by text or email so he can't kick off in front of the children. I'd avoid telling him your new address for a while.

And make sure that you have another adult with you and the children when you HAVE to see him

Leave ASAP

You don't need to tell him your new address at all.
Like others have said, find somewhere and move there and tell him after the fact.
Keep him away from the DC for a while, until he calms down and then meet in public so he can't do anything to upset them.
Believe me your children will have noticed what he is like and are already learning from you and him as role models. Show them that they don't have to put up with abuse and minimise how much time they spend with him. My son started copying his dad's abusive behaviour when he was 7

MrsPrendergast · 03/11/2025 07:17

What have you decided to do @Hulkkkk?

PucaBandearg · 03/11/2025 07:28

You know that quote about planting a tree ... the best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago, the second best time is now.
It's like that! You didn't go through with it last year, so don't be in the same position this time next year. There will never be a good time to go, just do it.
Sending you strength and hope 🙏 ❤️ 💐

SleafordSods · 03/11/2025 07:35

Hulkkkk · 31/10/2025 22:38

god yes. I remember this feeling last year "cant do it before xmas"....and now here i am. Sometimes I imagine myself at 70 and imagine the regret I will feel if I just put up amd shut up. Why do I know something to be true and yet still cant do it??

Its the kids. My kids are really happy. They're young - 5 and 6 - i cant bear to rip the rug from under them. In March when I tried to leave and he refused to go to work...he also screamed and rolled around on the floor like a madman in front of the kids. In the aftermath...I said to him how unacceptable that was and he was like "are you fuxkung kidding? You tell me you want a divorce and then blame me for being upset". His anger is more important than anything - including his own young kids. He describes himself as petty and revenful! He literally admits it!

When you know that about someone - that they will make the kids scared and upset - how do you do it?? I couldn't give a shit about anything else...him hating me, being single, being a single mum, money...all of that i can navigate...but the kids being subjected to that level of rage....is v v hard to stomach

I guess im just trying to woek out the best timing to reduce the rage and dysfunction even a little. But maybe you're all right that there is nothing I can do to reduce it.

So what’s the plan then @Hulkkkk? The longer you stay the more the DC will think his behaviour is normal and will in all probability start to act like him.

Do you really want to continue living like this and showing your DC that this is “normal life”? You can’t be happy and having an unhappy Mum is seriously not good for them.

SleafordSods · 03/11/2025 08:16

And if you’re paying for everything you need some legal advice before leaving. Ideally he should be the one to leave.

Original poster
Hulkkkk · 03/11/2025 22:01

I tried to do it tonight. Or at least start rhe conversation. "We dont love each other anymore, we both deserve to be happy" kind of thing but couldn't get the words out. Im so scared.

OP posts:
PotolKimchi · 03/11/2025 22:06

If you are this scared, your children are scared too. They are not tiny, they watch and they see. And they are learning to walk on eggshells.

I don’t entirely know why you need to give him reasons though.
can you rent a place and simply move?
You are the primary earner anyway.

N0Tfunny · 03/11/2025 22:54

Talking to him about it is not the FIRST thing you do. It’s the LAST thing you do after you’ve seen a solicitor, found somewhere else to stay, arranged to move in and then got someone to watch your kids and another person to be with you when you tell him.

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 03/11/2025 23:47

Hulkkkk · 03/11/2025 22:01

I tried to do it tonight. Or at least start rhe conversation. "We dont love each other anymore, we both deserve to be happy" kind of thing but couldn't get the words out. Im so scared.

Just leave.

Don't try to break it to him. Just leave.

You can sort out selling the house and all that other stuff once you are out.

floppybit · 04/11/2025 00:00

You need to do it asap to give him a couple of months to get himself together before he starts work

Ponderingwindow · 04/11/2025 00:09

STOP

Do not tell him anything until you work out the logistics. You know he isn’t stable. You know he isn’t going to just quietly pack a bag and move out upon request. You need to make a plan for housing. You need to meet with a solicitor. You need to have everything ready so that when you tell him the actual separation can begin immediately.

ideally your children will not be present when this happens.

99bottlesofkombucha · 04/11/2025 01:45

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 03/11/2025 23:47

Just leave.

Don't try to break it to him. Just leave.

You can sort out selling the house and all that other stuff once you are out.

Show quote history

Yep, pour that energy into you and the dc. The only energy you have for him is how to walk away, as long as you and the kids aren’t there it doesn’t matter to you what he does. Your kids need a stable parent and you cannot be that and also appease or manage this man

Eviebeans · 04/11/2025 02:00

Have you got family and friends around to offer emotional and practical support to help you to leave?

Kamisku · 04/11/2025 02:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MrsPrendergast · 04/11/2025 06:51

Hulkkkk · 03/11/2025 22:01

I tried to do it tonight. Or at least start rhe conversation. "We dont love each other anymore, we both deserve to be happy" kind of thing but couldn't get the words out. Im so scared.

Don't tell him. Find somewhere to move to. Get your stuff moved there. Move. Text him and tell him it's over. Don't tell him where you are

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