Ex wants to introduce kids to OW

[Blueblub]

Ex walked out on me almost 6 months ago for OW (his colleague). He just dropped the bombshell on me that he had “fallen” for someone else and he was done with me and us. Found out he had been seeing her for a couple of months behind my back. We have two kids (4 and 6).

Obviously heartbroken and devastated but I’ve been trying to pull myself together last few months. Anyway he’s just messaged saying he wants to introduce our kids to OW (who he’s calling his “partner”). I feel sick.

I feel like I’m right back at square one. I suppose I knew it was coming but I’d pretty much suppressed any thought of them together. I’m in pieces.

Posting this partly because I need a handhold but I also need sensible advice. I feel like this is way too soon but of course I’m thinking about me. Is it also too soon for the kids perspective?

Thanks all x

Been there and tho it's hard, to keep the peace i went along with it because I felt 6 months being with her was long enough. He is still with her 10 years on and we both now in happy marriages and kids love everybody. Sometimes for happy kids and a smoother life we just got to try not to make battles unless theres an absolute necessity

I just feel six months is too early even in normal circumstances?

He's been with her 8 months total and thinks introducing his dcs is a good idea. Wow, he really is selfish, isn't he !

You can't prevent it so you have to deal with it with as good grace as possible. Take a deep breath. Don't comment on her. When the dcs mention her, say "That's nice" and let them lead any further conversation. Don't get involved. She is just some random person on the periphery of your children's lives, like a temporary teaching assistant. Be as neutral and professional as you can.

As much as I would like them to hate her, I know I need to be careful about what I do and say to them.

At this stage he’s essentially asking permission. So I think I am going to say no, it’s too early. I know I can’t stop him if he goes ahead and does it anyway but I don’t think I should have to oil the wheels for him either.

If it happens, it happens. I’ll do what I can to be neutral. I’m always going to put them first as hard as it will be for me. But I don’t want to give him my blessing.

Honestly I don’t think you do get a say - as much as it sucks . Should you get a say - yes… but be careful if you do say no

Him introducing this “partner” and any further partner is very much out of your control now. If you say no he will probably just do it anyway without you being aware it is about to happen and cause bad blood between you two.

How about saying “You do what you you think is best for our children, I’d rather you wait a bit longer however but as long as it is best for the children”

Can you be confident that if you say no, he won’t do it anyway and then ask the kids to lie to you?
Are you going to give him a timescale that you do find acceptable, otherwise he’s just going to keep asking.

There’s already bad blood between us so I’m not worried about that.

I know I can’t stop him but I don’t feel like I owe it to him to make it go swimmingly for him either. He even said “if you like we can sit down and talk to the girls together about it”. As if I’m going to sit down and fucking do what I can to help him out. It makes my stomach churn

Tell him no. It's not in the kid's best interests as they've barely had time to get used to the family being broken up and they need at least a year. He needs to prioritise them for a change. Meeting her is all about him and does nothing at all for them.

I’m surprised he’s asking to be honest. A liar and a cheat won’t be doing that for the kid’s benefit, and if you say no he may then try getting the kids to lie about it by saying “don’t tell mummy “.

I know I am sounding bitter and angry. I have good days and bad days and unfortunately this is a bad day and I’m just fucking angry. I promise I’m shielding my kids from this though. Just ranting at strangers on the internet instead 😬

He's asking because he wants to be the hero and make out that he is a great stand up guy and not a piece of shit who walked out on his family when the going got tough.

You’re making this about you. And it’s not. It’s about the kids. If you don’t sit down with the kids you’re not supporting THEMz you also will have more control over the narrative. It will probably still happened whether you like it or not. Do what’s best to support the kids.

I think this message is really good. Keep every communication about the children and not your feelings.

Really sorry it has flawed you. Separation is a roller coaster, just when you think you’re over a hump, another one sends you backwards.

Breathe.
Take a step back.
Ask yourself why it has knocked you? Is it bringing up the trauma of the infidelity? Fear of your DC’s reactions (positive or negative)? Anger that its over? Grief of the future looking so different to what it was suppose to look like?

Despite being brutal, naming those feelings is powerful for you to heal.

I come at this from a similar place a couple of years on. It’s fucking difficult. But honestly, your DC will not love you any less because the OW is in their lives. Look at it as an additional adult who will give them extra love and support in their upbringing. I have to look at my exH OW like that. They both did a bad thing but they are (hopefully) good parents and adore my DC. Believe me when I say, it just takes time to get to that place of acceptance and the anger slowly disappears.

be kind to yourself OP, these strong feelings aren’t forever 🫶🏼

What about 'i think it is too early. I would prefer if you wait until the new year as the kids will find Christmas hard as it is. However I'm not able to stop you.'

Does she have children?

Thanks. This is how I feel but I just want to make sure my head is not clouded with anger.

It sounds like the replies are a bit split. I get that I could just let them get on with it. But I guess I also want to know that it wouldn’t be unreasonable for me to say no either (even if I can’t control it in the end…)

I totally understand your feelings . My husband told me in January he was leaving as he wanted more excitement ! Been together 18 yrs and married 13. We have 2 girls who are 17 and 14 , the youngest has disabilities including learning disabilities and I’m her full time carer, so perhaps my life is a bit boring ! Anyway he denied there was anyone else , but after a couple of months my eldest daughter confessed to me that he’d told her all about this other woman ( a work colleague who he was now living with so obviously gone on a while !) She’d been put in a situation where she had to meet her without being asked if wanted to etc , I was furious more at this than the denial to me .
Out yougear doesn’t understand and thinks dad just works away … she’s now met daddy’s friend as she says walking her dog a couple of times . My ex didn’t even ask me at all about introducing the new woman he’d been having an affair with, which made me so angry but now I can see it’s par for the course with his deceitful behaviour all round .
I don’t think you can really do anything apart from saying to him is he sure it’s not too soon for the kids and then leave up to him .

Thanks I know and I don’t want to make this all about me. But at the same time I can also see that it might not be in the kids best interests either.

Thanks. I think you are very courageous to think of your ex’s OW like that. I am no where near thinking like that. The only thing I can think about is how horrible that a person with such bad morals and values should be a figure in my kids lives. It upsets me so much. I would like to look her in the eye and make her understand what she did to our family. To those children.

Just say “You do whatever you think is best for the children” and push it straight back to him. He does not get to control you or involve you, or use this situation to flaunt his new life.
His girlfriend, his decision, his problem to manage with the children.

I get why this is so stomach churning. The OW will struggle to find your ex as appealing when she sees your gorgeous kids and faces the reality of what this man has done to his family. Send them! She will have to stop getting used to having him all to herself and start sharing him. Life wont be as exciting for her then.

You can do this!

And you never love anyone like you love your own mum no matter how many gifts you’re given, so pls don’t ever worry about losing their affections.

He's going to do whatever he wants regardless. Clearly. I mean, he didn't allow his young family and marriage to stand in the way of doing whatever he fancied earlier this year, so it would be naive to think he is suddenly going to put the kids first now.

I think if you say no, you're just entering into a conflict when actually he's already made up his mind and will definitely be introducing the kids to OW. You're also showing vulnerability because he will know it's hurting you. You may be a bigger person than me and not care about that, but I would fucking hate it because it would feel like handing over power to him when he's already taken so much.

That said, you don't have to support any of the things he does. He's got a cheek for suggesting you "sit down with the kids" and help him smooth out his mess. I think I would send a very brief, very emotionless message along the lines of. "It is early days for the children in coming to terms with the breakdown of their family unit. Do whatever your conscience tells you is right with regards to the timeline for involving them in your new relationship". I think it makes your feelings clear without asking him to do anything and thus giving him power over your emotions. It shuts down further communication and it puts it back on him. He knows it isn't the right thing to do really, so let him experience the guilt of that.

Another one a lot further down the road than you. I wasn’t given a choice, it happened almost immediately. DS was a toddler and I was mentally destroyed at the time.
You don’t have to agree but I’d be wary of point blank saying no, who does that benefit? As others have said, it runs the risk of further deception.
My ex is married to the OW and they have 2 DCs who adore their big brother. I’m not sure if they are actually happy together but that’s not my concern. DS has more people that love him (her parents have treated him as one of their own) and I am happy in my own relationship.
Time really does heal.

You also have to remember she did not actually do anything. This was your husbands family, and his responsibility. And I’m saying this from someone who watched my husband start an emotional affair with a work colleague. Which then turned to a physical relationship and the start of our divorce.

it wasn’t down to the OW to respect my relationship. That should have been my husband. And the reality is, whether you say no or not, your kids will eventually meet her. At least he’s being honest with you and asking. Mine didn’t offer me that courtesy and then told my kids not to tell me.

Has he even established a proper routine with them yet? Are they used to it?

I'd tell him they need chance to settle into a contact arrangement and start to feel comfortable with their new normal before he tips it upside down once again. There is no time scale for this but it's certainly not 6 months.

No she doesn’t have kids. She’s 35. I’m trying to brace myself for the news that she is pregnant (would explain the hurry)