Ex wants to introduce kids to OW

[Blueblub]

Ex walked out on me almost 6 months ago for OW (his colleague). He just dropped the bombshell on me that he had “fallen” for someone else and he was done with me and us. Found out he had been seeing her for a couple of months behind my back. We have two kids (4 and 6).

Obviously heartbroken and devastated but I’ve been trying to pull myself together last few months. Anyway he’s just messaged saying he wants to introduce our kids to OW (who he’s calling his “partner”). I feel sick.

I feel like I’m right back at square one. I suppose I knew it was coming but I’d pretty much suppressed any thought of them together. I’m in pieces.

Posting this partly because I need a handhold but I also need sensible advice. I feel like this is way too soon but of course I’m thinking about me. Is it also too soon for the kids perspective?

Thanks all x

Please don’t play this passive aggressive game OP.
kids will very easily learn not to share details about her or any other partner and you’ll miss any potential red flags.
FWIW, 6 months seems fine. Have an adult conversation about it - and if it’s a no from you, set clear boundaries - when might it be ok? After a year?

Like fuck she hasn't.

I agree 6 months is a bit soon, but honestly it could be worse OP. Some men (or women) do it after a few weeks! It's going to happen at some point over the next couple of months so I would just accept it tbh.

She did do something though. She chose to be a part of something that ultimately broke up a young family and caused immeasurable hurt. Yes, he's the one who had the ultimate responsibility to his family but surely we all have a responsibility as human beings with agency to not engage in poor behaviour which will hurt others, including innocent children?

Obviously the principal betrayal in an affair situation is by the spouse. But to say the affair partner (where they know they are an affair partner) has not done anything wrong is a huge stretch. I think most people's moral compass would tell them that shagging a man who is married with children behind his wife's back is a disgusting thing to do.

This is a very weird take on the situation. Yes, the primary issue was with the man. But to say the OW “didn’t do anything “ is quite a ridiculous statement. Anyone who knowingly enters a relationship as an affair partner is doing something wrong and speaks volumes about their personal standards.

Do you actually believe this? I always find this a ridiculous take on an affair. If she knew he was married she is not an innocent party. They’ve both behaved selfishly and with utter disrespect for OP and their family unit. Yes the loyalty should be coming from the husband but it’s basic decency to not start a relationship with someone who is married. Just because you don’t know someone personally, doesn’t mean their husband is fair game. And who even wants a man who behaves like this,

@Blueblub believe me when I say I haven’t been courageous or nice in my thoughts toward the OW. She was a mum herself and her friendship with my exH should have stopped the minute she caught feelings. He should have worked on our marriage and if it ended anyway, then she should have pursued him. BUT life and love don’t work that way. He was a parasite for having his head turned and ego built up by her, and she was a dick for being one of the reasons our marriage broke down and that I’ll always hear the screams of my DC when we told them we were getting a divorce.

I was angry. I’ve been where you are. I wished very bad things to happen to her and him.

But, none of these negative thoughts are good for my mental health or for me to be the best parent I can be to DC. There’s a lot of research out there on how to tell DC, when and what might be said. That’s technically on him to read up on that and make sure who he does it, doesn’t impact your DC negativity. Mine were older and had different responses too, which their dad and I navigated together at the time.

I am a huge advocate of staying humble and trying to be a good co parent (despite people around me wanting to rip his head off and advising me to be meaner / passive aggressive and difficult). It just isn’t the best way. My grounding was to always ask: “is this in the best interests of my dc?” to anything that came up.

promise, time does make this feel less fuckin anxiety inducing.

I think you will be more successful with a ‘no’ if it’s time limited. So you could say you think it would be best for the children to wait until after Christmas and hope he respects that.

You do wonder what kind of woman would be interested in a man who just leaves his family so easily.
Mine didn’t tell me, and just I introduced her and she stayed overnight! These men, honestly.

I think he’ll do it anyway, if you say no - but you could say you don’t think the children are ready yet and 1 year is much more appropriate.

I’m not saying her moral and ethical values are anything to be desired, I was trying to say that anger and hatred towards the OW is pointless. It literally gets you nowhere. She’s still going to be there. I spent my time in counselling after my husbands affair to come to terms with that fact.

It's not too soon really. It's your outlook on this that's going to harm you. My ex introduced our child to his new woman without so much as a word to me, she's moved in. I couldn't care less about him but this could well have bothered me.

I don't let things that are out of my control bother me.

This is the key to happiness.

I would ask him to do some research on what experts recommend is an appropriate timeframe, and how to do it sensitively and most appropriately for children of their age. I would say something like "from what i have read, 6 months would be too soon even for older children who live with a parent they have always known to be single".

I’ve nc for this as I will probably be flamed. Op, I feel for you so much, I think you are probably a couple of months ahead of me as my exh has not broached this yet. However, I want to ask;

why are we teaching our children, especially our daughters, that we should surpress our emotions and pretend the worst betrayal of our lives is almost non comment worthy?

i haven’t told my dc about ow yet as exh is still denying it, despite the hotel bookings, photos and reports from friends. Once that becomes official I feel I need to. He has ruined our lives with his lies and I refuse to add to them, they should know their father behaved appallingly and why he no longer lives at home.

Unfortunately I think seeing him with the kids being the ‘perfect’ dad is more likely to do the opposite. It’s an opportunity to play happy families and in a way legitimises their relationship ‘look, it’s not just a sordid affair, she’s meeting my kids and everything’.

Also wouldn’t be surprised if there was baby news on the cards and meeting the kids has suddenly become more important because of that.

Sorry this is happening OP. Definitely vent away on here but agree with others you’re probably better being the bigger person for the kids sake. It is very early though.

My ex did the same except she didn’t consult me and she did it within 2 months of leaving me to set up home with OW. DD was 4. It was horrible, but I had to go along with it for DD’s sake. That was a couple of years ago and at least they’re still together. I genuinely hope they stay together because it would be too distressing for DD to have to go through another breakup.

Unfortunately there is nothing you can do to prevent him introducing a new partner whenever he wants. It’s common sense to leave such introductions until the relationship is established, but many people get so carried away with their own love story that they put what they want before what’s best for children.

OP I really feel for you. I’m an ex wife of a cheater.
If it makes you feel better, remember you are the winner here. Your ex and his new partner both have to live with someone who is happy with cheating. Have to work out how to include your children in their lives. He has to either do 50:50 or pay towards them. If they have a baby she’s doing it with someone who’s done it all before and flaked.
She has not got herself a prize here. None of my ex’s affair partners stayed the course and he is alone now and I have the love and company of our amazing children.

This will be outing to anyone who knows me but it is what it is.

My DDs dad (my husband at the time) left me for OW when she was a baby but omitted to tell me that he was living with her and they had a baby for over two years. He also barely saw DD during this period. I found out because one of my friends saw them as a family with his parents as well (DDs grandparents) and told me. I mean, I was a bit suspicious because of the way DDs dad never took her to his house or anything like that but I had not pressed the matter as I was busy with work and DD.
So actually, looking back, my main reaction was anger that he had this whole other family and DD had a sister she had never met. I felt that it was not fair to exclude her and she deserved more than that. In the end, I met up with him, his partner (now wife) their DD and my DD in the park for an hour so that DD knew who she was meeting before she went over. DD was two at this point. And when DD was little, I made sure to include her half-sister in parties.
In reality what it meant of course, was that DDs dad was not looking out for DDs interests and barely parented her - she went over maybe once a week or fortnight and hardly stayed over even after that, but she has two half-sisters now she is close enough to and that has benefited her life.

It is really difficult because you do need to separate out what you think and feel for what is in the best interests of DC. I recall my solicitor saying when I was saying about DDs dad never taking her to his house that DD deserved to be properly in his life and to know the whole person and not just trips to the park. And in fact, the whole person had a whole other family which DD was not part of. Your ex has a whole other life which DC are not part of.

So I think two things
The first is to ask your ex why he would like DC to meet his GF now rather than in a few months when they have had time to adjust more to the separation (whilst also being clear that you do not wish to help facilitate this) and what he expects that relationship to look like. I say this because it is important to keep lines of communication open.

The second is that i believe in age appropriate communication. I don’t know what you and your ex have told DC about the split. But if they know he has met someone else, then ask them how they feel about meeting her.

I do think you want a situation where DC are able to voice their views and be heard, not one where you one or both of you sit down and tell them what is happening.

I am saying this two decades down the road now but i recognise that you are still very raw emotionally and that it takes at least a year to stop feeling like that. Time heals, honestly, and your DC will grow up wonderful people, and if a half-sibling comes along, ideally this will enrich their lives. Your ex is a shit with no morals of course but that is not the DC’s fault.

We have no idea what AP knew.

How many threads have you read on MN where a poster is upset that their partner has lied about their marriage. 'im just staying for the kids' 'we haven't slept together in years' 'its like we are housemates' 'shes controlling and I don't want to lose the kids'.

We KNOW the ex is a lying cheating knob so it's not unfathomable that this has happened.

Is it possible that the AP is a jealous vindictive harpy, cackling at OPs broken home? Yes sure. Is it just as likely that she's been stupid and naive, caught feelings and now she's in too deep? Is op is right she could be pregnant and she's trying to justify everything to herself. If the cliche holds true then the ex will be telling AP how nuts OP etc.

Come on, how many times have we seen this narrative from the other side!!

As they are so young I wouldn’t interfere, really…. but once they’re grown enough to know the circumstances it will be interesting to see what version he’ll give them. By then I would correct his lies.

I talk to my father now and we have an okay relationship and I really like the person he’s with now (if anything I think she’s too good for him) but if he’d ever pull up again with the woman he cheated on my mother with I’d get off the table and never come back. Fuck them.

@Blueblub Your ex has behaved terribly. It feels like adding salt to the wound for him to be making this request as if life goes on without even missing a beat. It cuts.

One of the biggest challenges parents face nowadays with smartphones and social media is communicating with their children who increasingly are retreating to social media for advice, guidance, and consolation. If you attempt to prevent you ex from introducing the children to his partner, he will do it anyway, and he will ask the children to not tell you, inadvertently teaching them to be deceptive with you.

In later life, this will frustrate your efforts to protect your daughter from cyber bullying and damaging social media sexualisation and damaging body image ideals, and to protect your son from online radicalisation and toxic masculinity and misogyny.

I know it's all very raw still being only 6 months in, but think twice for the good of the children.

Edit: typo

I’d put it back on him. He wants you to decide so it makes him look good but if it does not go well then he can say well you agreed to it.

I’d say something like I believe there is a lot of research around when and how to introduce a new partner to DC but I haven’t looked into it. Happy for you to take that research into account along with what is best for our DC. Please let me know what you decide to do so I can support the DC.

I agree with @Icecreamisthebest.
Put the ball firmly in his court. He needs to take full accountability for his decisions.

Yes that’s why I said ‘IF she knew’ as we don’t know either way. If she knew, then she (along with OPs husband) has behaved selfishly and disrespectfully.

I doubt most APs are actually doing it vindictively, often it’s ’I knew it was wrong but couldn’t help ourselves’ or ‘he said he was leaving his wife, relationship was dead in the water’. But the fact is you actually can help yourself. And you can also wait for a relationship to end before starting a new one.

At the end of the day, it’s not much to ask for adults to exercise a bit of self control and consideration for others.

Of course people make mistakes but when people do shitty things that hurt other people it’s ridiculous to say they haven’t done anything wrong. Something being a mistake doesn’t just wipe the slate clean, there are still consequences.

@Callmebitterbut Because a split isn’t all about you. In this case there are two dc. They come first.

People who poison dc again former partners are making life far more difficult for dc. I have a friend in her 60s who never met “the other woman”. She wasn’t even given her name. Her DF died and left everything to “the other woman”. His daughter never met “the other woman” so DF thought looking after “the other woman” (his wife) in his will as more important. Some compromise would have been better Parents do mess up dc!