Ex wants to introduce kids to OW

[Blueblub]

Ex walked out on me almost 6 months ago for OW (his colleague). He just dropped the bombshell on me that he had “fallen” for someone else and he was done with me and us. Found out he had been seeing her for a couple of months behind my back. We have two kids (4 and 6).

Obviously heartbroken and devastated but I’ve been trying to pull myself together last few months. Anyway he’s just messaged saying he wants to introduce our kids to OW (who he’s calling his “partner”). I feel sick.

I feel like I’m right back at square one. I suppose I knew it was coming but I’d pretty much suppressed any thought of them together. I’m in pieces.

Posting this partly because I need a handhold but I also need sensible advice. I feel like this is way too soon but of course I’m thinking about me. Is it also too soon for the kids perspective?

Thanks all x

I’m not going to flame you @Callmebitterbut however your question is totally nuanced.

No one is saying to surpress your own feelings for the greater good. But there are so many factors at play. And whilst your feelings are valid and important, a child’s feelings are more so during, what is a very difficult situation.

The age of children is a very important factor in not sharing the details of any infidelity situation with DC.

My DC were 12 & 10 and are now 15 & 13. The 15 year old knows more now, than she did at 12. We have had age appropriate discussions about my emotions, how her dad leaving me flawed me (at the time) and that the OW was someone who made her dad happy, but me sad (again, at that time).

The discussions that then take place between you and your children over time adds more context as they get older.

There was a lightbulb moment for me in therapy when I said DC 12 wasn’t showing emotion, and the therapist asked me if I was showing it. I wasn’t. So we had a deeper conversation about the marriage breakdown. It was delicate, sensitive and importantly, age appropriate. I didn’t talk negatively about her dad or OW, but I shared how I felt - labelled the feelings eg lonely, grief at the life I thought we had, rejected.

As DC are older, they have a good relationship with OW, and yet they know that their dad did have an affair (this was something exH did not want to share with them). He doesn’t know they know, it hasn’t changed their relationship because it’s come from me in a very honest but sensitive way - timing was everything (we were playing a game on a road trip asking questions that we had to answer honestly and they asked me)

I am not saying don’t tell your DC. But be careful of the reasons why you are. If you’re doing it to change their opinion on their dad, it’s the wrong reason to. Share that relationships are complicated, love is hard, and people make mistakes. My situation is individual to me. Their dad is happier outside of our marriage, and now, I am happier too. we were not meant to be together. So what I may have told them 3 years ago, isn’t what I’d tell them now.

I think it’s too soon but I’m not saying that because she’s the OW.

He had an affair and betrayed you which is digusting. You have every right to be angry at her and him.

That can’t influence how you act now, it has to be about the children.

I would tell him you think it’s too soon for them and not in their best interests. You both need to prioritise them and you’d like to agree on what that is. Obviously if your fear that she’s pregnant is actually real then the timeline has to move to get them used to it.

I don’t actually think you and ex talking with them together is a bad idea.

That's very different from saying she didn't do anything, which is what your original comment said. I think we can probably all agree with what you're now saying about the futility of feeling angry towards the OW, but that's just true of anger and hatred towards anybody isn't it. It applies equally to exH in this scenario.

There’s no point you saying no. He’ll do it anyway and then what? You’re creating conflict. it’s up to him
As their father to decide when to introduce, just as it will be when you want to.
the best thing to do for your children is to be ‘ ‘ok’with it at least to them. You don’t want your children caught up in high conflict and drama.

I’m sorry you’re in such a shit situation. I feel sorry for the OW, I’d never be able to trust someone I met because of an affair, he’s just going to end up doing it to her again down the line. Why does he want to introduce her to the kids? How often does he have the kids? Can’t he just spend time with her when he doesn’t have them? It’s good he’s asking permission, definitely use that to your advantage. I’d tell him it’s too early, personally I’d want it to be at least a year.

No flaming from me, but just something to consider from the POV of the children.

You're absolutely correct that nobody should be teaching their children to suppress their feelings or that they should minimise their emotional response to trauma. However, your children are not an appropriate outlet for your feelings about the breakdown of your marriage. Yes you can absolutely be matter of fact and honest when you need to, but as far as the children are concerned the most important outcome is that they are comfortable, happy and loved by both parents. And both parents have a duty to support that for each other. That doesn't mean you have to be best friends and sing their praises, but it does mean that you don't badmouth each other, or centre your discussions with them around your pain. That's what your friends, siblings and parents are for.

My husband is in his forties and recently had counselling to help him come to terms with his parents' divorce when he was at primary school. A decent chunk of his issues stem from the fact his mum (very much the wronged party, FIL ran off with OW, didn't pay for the kids, was an unreliable visitor etc) was very open with him over many, many years about how hurt she was and how his dad was to blame for that, and my DH as a little boy completely internalised that and felt very responsible for his father's behaviour.

You’re not ‘giving him your blessing’. By telling him he can’t introduce his children to his new partner, whilst it’s understandable, you’re putting off the inevitable and actually causing yourself more anxiety. It’s going to happen anyway sooner or later. I’ve been in this situation so I know how it feels, but honestly, once I knew they had met I felt much less anxious about it.

Please don't tell him he can't. It will just cause more turmoil to you, either now when he argues or does it anyway, or later when he says "no" to you.
Just tell him to do what he thinks is best for the kids.
(But no, you don't have to agree to sitting down together with the kids!)

I'm not sure that's always the case. My ex left while I was heavily pregnant. Their affair had been going on a few months and she was well aware of my pregnancy. She's also got her own child and had been left by the father, but apparently it's ok if it happens to someone else. I'm pretty sure they justify what they've done by bad mouthing me instead. Obviously, ex is the poor little victim and I had just ruined his life...he barely escaped my clutches.
Ex introduced our DS only a few weeks after he had moved out, but still pretends to live somewhere else when he sees him for contact. (No contact with the baby, though.)

I’m pretty sure the professional advice is a year? I know Relate used to recommend at least a year so perhaps if you could find out the most recent professional advice and present it that way?
”I’ve spoken to a counsellor about how best to support the children and they say a year is recommended as the most healthy timeframe, can we revisit this after Christmas?”
That way you out the responsibility back on him to do the right thing…

My point was to get HIM to do that research and think about it. Not for OP to be the good or bad person with all the accountability. They both recognise it's his decision anyway.

some good advice on here. You are being so strong.

you said you would like to look her in eye so would suggesting the three of you meet up first before she is introduced to the children? Perhaps you could suggest you have an adult discussion about how and when she will meet your children? Will she be introduced as friend to start with? Could a date be set for after Christmas as like you said it may well be hard for the children enough as it is at the moment? Perhaps discuss the level of involvement that Emily would all be happy with? Things like that?

Well really I just want to look her in the eye and tell her she’s a whore. But it’s nice that you think I’m so high minded :)

I understand you're trying to be supportive but I really don't think it's at all realistic that OW will think any of these things. Please don't have any expectations about what other people will do, it just sets you up for disappointment - and certainly don't use your children to do it.

I agree the children won't change their feelings for their mum, but I'm not sure that's OP's primary concern?

Sorry you're in this position OP. Men are, at their core, more selfish than women and it's so hard that they can just breeze into situations without thinking about anyone else like this. You must feel that you're having to do all the work alone to protect your children, that is exhausting.

But thanks all. I do appreciate the advice. I’m not going to reply just yet to give myself a chance to cool down. But when I do I think it’s going to be along the lines that I think it’s too soon and I don’t want to risk destabilising our kids (who so far are doing ok), with the suggestion that if he does, it’s a selfish move and he should put the kids first. Reading his message again I don’t actually think he was asking for permission. Just telling me he was doing it and trying to look like the good guy. So if he does it then that’s on him.

I think it's too early personally. Your children are very young, tell him to ask you a year from now. You have nothing to lose. It's his girlfriend and he can see the kids without them meeting his girlfriend without it being impactful in any way.

Nonsense. She had an affair with a married man. We all know that’s wrong and a nasty thing to do.

On the one hand I see why people are saying be supportive of it to ensure kids are ok.

On the other (and in my own view) he is a cheeky F walking out on his marriage and destabilising the lives of his young kids. He made a vow and a commitment.

I work in an office with many married men, I’d never have an affair with any of them because it’s a highly immoral & utterly selfish thing to do. On both their parts.

My ex introduced OW a month after we separated without telling me, I remember feeling so upset. It’s like really the end isn’t it. But it’s also a kind of closure for you so the intensity of these feelings will pas and honestly you won’t care they are together at some point probably sooner than you think

your children are young, you have a long journey of co parenting in front of you. As someone who has had to do this with my ex with the total breakdown of our relationship into constant conflict and abuse from him, multiple rounds of court proceedings and a lot of hostility from his partner all of which Seriously fucked my son and I up, I advise you to tread carefully now. I know you’re very upset but any tiny embers of cooperation should be nurtured amd not stamped out.

other people have made really good suggestions for how to respond to him, you can’t stop him doing this so if I were you I’d process feelings separately, be as level as you can about it with the kids so they are not distressed by your distress, and look forward to healing

Wow hes got a nerve! I dont think you have a choice though really.Men can be very selfish at times.If they find someone new ,they lose all reason.If they meet now or in 6 months its not much different really. I wonder how the reality of a divorced dad of two tots will go down with her?

And yes they are both wankers fwiw

Suggesting it's too soon to meet OW, and you don't want the risk of impacting the kids further after the trauma of separation, is good. Talking about being selfish if he doesn't do what you think it's right, is not a good move.

This is hurting you like hell, but you need to be careful. Talk about the impact on the children, but stay away from making derogatory comments about him as a father, his defences will go up, and he'll be more confrontational with you in the future.

FWIW, I don't believe in lying to children. Too often women, in trying to protect their kids against the awful reality of infidelity, shoot themselves in the foot by enabling lies. If your children ask you why dad is not long living at home, a simple "because dad no longer loves me and loves someone else." It's the truth without belittling their father or their partner.

It's not about helping him, it's about helping them. For me it would depend on the routine he has with them, if there's a regular pattern of them staying with him and he would like to be able to have his girlfriend around during those weekends you can't stop it, and he didn't even have to talk to you about it first. The fact he did does suggest that he finally is thinking about what the best way to approach that is for the children. A shame he didn't think about them more before starting an affair, but it is what it is and would have happened eventually even if he had done it the right way round and left before entering another relationship.

i completely understand your feelings about everything but the focus really does need to be on making it as easy as possible on the children. Making it easier for him may well be a by product, but you can't make it harder on them just to avoid that.

I think I would tell him "I do think talking to the children together would be best for them, but I do also think it's a bit too soon for OW to be around in the limited time they get to spend with you. Would you consider waiting until (whatever time frame) when they are hopefully nore settled into the routine and feel more like your place is a second home?"

Part of me did also think "why should they get to enjoy a child free relationship while OP does all the donkey work of parenting, let her see the reality of what she signed up for!"... and perhaps overload them with sugar before every visit.

The OW really won’t care about the dc. She’s shorn that’s the case already. Of course she’s no feelings for them. She just wanted her man and he wants her and of course he knows this isn’t the best situation for his dc. But he doesn’t care either.

I would not meet OW. She’s no parenting role as yet. If they take care of dc regularly then dc will form opinions. But that’s for the future. I’d negotiate on dc visiting - say a visit as Christmas?