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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Advice

71 replies

emhill123 · 19/10/2025 12:31

I need advice
My husband had a bad childhood cant go into detail but for years hes been smoking weed its got bad now where hes giving dealers 300 pounds a month sometimes more sometimes less to pay off his bill we have one child my question is ive told him how much this is affecting us financially im behind on council tax now aswell and just stressed is it selfish of me to leave if he dosent stop? Our vows are in sickness and in health so if he has a mental health problem I cant leave him but feel like I need to for my own mental health amd for financial stability.
What would anyone else do in this situation?
Hes been on medication but never sticks to it

OP posts:
Jellybunny56 · 19/10/2025 12:35

Run and don’t for a single second look back.

Snorlaxo · 19/10/2025 12:37

I understand why you’d leave for your dd and your sakes. She deserves stability

whattodoforthebest2 · 19/10/2025 12:38

It's not selfish of you to leave if he isn't supporting his family and treating them as a priority. I understand that he has to pay off his debt, but not to the extent that you and your child suffer. I think you know that you need to leave him, but having said that, he's unlikely to step up and help you any further, so you'd have to sort out your bills yourself. At least then you'll be in control and not at the beck and call of his dealers and whatever the debt is that he has with them. This isn't a healthy environment for your child to be brought up in, but you know that already.

jeaux90 · 19/10/2025 12:38

Nope. I don’t see him prioritising you in his vows OP. Split. He won’t change.

Original poster
emhill123 · 19/10/2025 12:39

But what about his mental health problems from his past etc? Like am I not supposed to altleast try and help him

OP posts:
Gallusoldbesom · 19/10/2025 12:46

Well no, if he won’t do the most basic thing to help himself by taking his medication then there’s very little you can do. Leave him to it before you’re even deeper in debt.

jeaux90 · 19/10/2025 12:47

He is not a child OP and you are not his mother. He is responsible for his own actions/addiction.

mamagogo1 · 19/10/2025 12:49

Giving him an ultimatum to seek professional support and give up illegal drugs or you leave is being responsible

Nocookiesforme · 19/10/2025 12:49

@emhill123
But you have been helping and he is not engaging is he? You have stood by him while he has wasted thousands & thousands of pounds on drugs when he could have properly engaged his trauma with therapy.
You have become his enabler and this is not what marriage vows are about. He is supposed to love and cherish you but he's not doing that either is he when he loves & cherishes weed more that you. He loves weed MORE than you and you are supporting that?
Sorry to be harsh about this but he knows exactly what he's doing and you need to claim your life back.

dizzydizzydizzy · 19/10/2025 12:55

Your husband is in self destruct mode. I think you can leave and still be compassionate to both him and yourself. It's not breaking your vows to protect yourself.

I would set a clear boundary saying you can't live with him while he is spending so much on weed.

I would also encourage your DH to get help from the GP and talking therapy.

I would also book yourself into talking therapy and get legal advice from a family solicitor.

Jellybunny56 · 19/10/2025 12:56

emhill123 · 19/10/2025 12:39

But what about his mental health problems from his past etc? Like am I not supposed to altleast try and help him

Every single day that you keep your child living in a home with a drug addict, where a dealer could come and do God knows what over mounting drug debt, they are at risk. You’re going to give your own child a childhood that one day THEY have to heal from.

Lurkingandlearning · 19/10/2025 13:01

I don’t think there’s traditional vows said in church were written with addiction, debt, county court judgments and eviction in mind. Nor do they mention responsibility to children. They’ve never really taken life fully into account. I mean, if DH got a contagious disease that could kill you all, would you stay?

I do sympathise that you are conflicted but that suggests you know you need to live separately so you can provide a stable home life for your children. When making your vows you didn’t promise to live together, so separate but remain married if that is important to you.

Read about addiction. It will reassure you that his addiction is not your responsibility and only he can fix it concentrating on your child’s wellbeing will be much easier

tripleginandtonic · 19/10/2025 13:03

That's a big bill for just weed OP.

Original poster
emhill123 · 19/10/2025 13:04

I have been trying and he did engage once hes been to councilling in his teenage years but said it did nothing he has a support worker but still continues to buy the weed i go to work I. Trying my best and 300 odd pound of the uc money goes on that all the time I feel selfish for wanting to walk away

OP posts:
Original poster
emhill123 · 19/10/2025 13:15

Thank you everybody never did i think there would be so many supportive people out there
Becuase im such a nice person and I know his past thats why I keep excusing it I feel if I leave thays me leaving him mentally ill and then he won't be able to cope and ill feel bad if he has worse mental health because of me leaving

OP posts:
Nocookiesforme · 19/10/2025 13:33

@emhill123
The real questions that you should be asking is -
Do I want my child to see this as normal?
Do I want my child going out every day stinking of weed?
Do I want my child to see this as so normal that he chooses the same when they reach teenage years?
If the answers are all 'no' then you know what to do - you leave.

Do I want my child to do better that their father?
Do I want to do better for my child?
Do I want to give my child the chance of living a happy and fulfilling life?
Do I want to have a better, more fulfilling life?
If the answers are all 'yes' then you know what to do - you leave

There will always be excuses for your DP's behaviour and when asked to step up he will always say: it's because of my childhood/it's because of the trauma/ it's because I can't cope/ it's my mental health/ it's because it's a Tuesday etc etc and so on. If you do not go now then when do you go? When he's sucked you dry/when SS take your child/ when he sucked you right down to his level?????

Sorry I'm harsh but you need some counselling for yourself because he's abusing your love & commitment and has warped your understanding of what a healthy relationship looks like.

Snorlaxo · 19/10/2025 14:04

emhill123 · 19/10/2025 12:39

But what about his mental health problems from his past etc? Like am I not supposed to altleast try and help him

You can’t stop an addict from being an addict. He has to want to change and put in the hard work and he’s not there. He may never see his addiction as problematic by which time your dd will be grown and the effect of growing up with a druggie dad could lead her to have drug issues too. You need to protect dd from the pain.

Original poster
emhill123 · 19/10/2025 15:45

Thank you all for the advice Im just finding this hard becusse I do love him we have been toggher since school when he was in the care system and its just hard

OP posts:
Jellybunny56 · 19/10/2025 16:17

emhill123 · 19/10/2025 15:45

Thank you all for the advice Im just finding this hard becusse I do love him we have been toggher since school when he was in the care system and its just hard

Do you want your own child to end up living the same life he did, growing up around addicts, drug dealers, resentment, potentially ending up in the care system herself when the debt mounts up and suddenly it’s not just money it’s your home being broken into, your child being threatened?

If the answer is yes, carry on trying to change his mind.

If the answer is no then you need to end the relationship. Don’t do it for him, or for you, do it for your totally innocent child who deserves to stay innocent, not be raised and live in the world of drugs.

Original poster
emhill123 · 19/10/2025 16:23

Yes i complety get what your saying
I know i need to leave and I will be!
My husband grew up being abused by his dad brother and mother he resents his family now most of them
I get he was abused and thats why I feel like I csmt leave because he did have a bad past but I know I need to leave

OP posts:
Original poster
emhill123 · 19/10/2025 16:41

My child is my world and I want what's best for her

OP posts:
Jellybunny56 · 19/10/2025 16:44

emhill123 · 19/10/2025 16:41

My child is my world and I want what's best for her

Then you know what you have to do.

Original poster
emhill123 · 19/10/2025 17:11

Just wish he would stop this
He cooks food for us etc I just xant deal with all this money on weed i just physically cant anymore

OP posts:
Original poster
emhill123 · 19/10/2025 17:14

When he dosent have it he gets annoyed at tbe smallest of things and if he cant find something its always my fault

OP posts:
Beachlovingirl · 20/10/2025 00:06

@emhill123 you sound lovely and caring and have great empathy for your partner because of his past. But it wasn’t you who put him in this position and if you keep accepting this behaviour then it will impact on you and your child. Your DC won’t thank you.
Weed is a destructive drug and you hear all the time about how damaging this is and what a part it plays in parents being basically bad parents - no patience, ignoring the child, being distracted, not present - and way worse.
your child needs protecting from that.
lets say you split up and you move out with your DC then you’ll also need to be wary if he wants contact with the DC because I would strongly advise you use supervised contact only. Sounds like he needs to hit rock bottom before he can start to rise out of it and you don’t want your DC anywhere near him for that.