Advice

[emhill123]

I need advice
My husband had a bad childhood cant go into detail but for years hes been smoking weed its got bad now where hes giving dealers 300 pounds a month sometimes more sometimes less to pay off his bill we have one child my question is ive told him how much this is affecting us financially im behind on council tax now aswell and just stressed is it selfish of me to leave if he dosent stop? Our vows are in sickness and in health so if he has a mental health problem I cant leave him but feel like I need to for my own mental health amd for financial stability.
What would anyone else do in this situation?
Hes been on medication but never sticks to it

@Beachlovingirlyou are correct and the amount of times ive felt like this effecting me and who I am aswell like im not whi I used to be im stressed out all the time then he will bring me food etc and lots of other nice things but then I see that side to him again and say I don't need to be spoken to like im a peice of shit!
I'm already broken down knackers from him staying ip all hours of the night I cant sleep then either then im up early too ive just had it now I really have

@Beachlovingirl what if and when he decides to actually stop smoking it after we split do i support then or still just leave him to it?

If he does quit you will need to see a consistent and persistent change. You will need to stay living separately until or if that happens.

You should leave. It shows him you aren’t putting up with this anymore. Then you can ask him whether he wants to stay married to you, and if he does then you tell him what needs to change. But he knows, he just can’t be bothered.

@emhill123 on my opinion he needs to do this on his own because you can’t be something he leans on otherwise what if one day you’ve had a crap day and you snap at him and he goes out and buys some weed? You’ll feel like that was your fault but it wasn’t because him buying the weed is what he is choosing to do.

i totally understand that the person you love is still in there but little snippets of that just aren’t good enough. Not for you or the DC. He needs to give up the weed for good. He can’t smoke it socially or in any situation - he can’t have some “when he’s stressed”. Don’t enable an addict.

@Beachlovingirl best advice yet! I know i need to do this! It's just my caring side keeps saying he cant help it all of that stuff but I cant go on like this!
We went on holiday last March and he didnt have it for the whole week he was pretty quiet if im honest but then the day it was time to leave we had lost the tv remote in the caravan so I stayed calm and rang the reception! He kicked right off screaming shouting whilst packing the card saying im always loosing things its all my fault all of that stuff! people staring at us from other caravans now that is what I dont like! Then when he has his moments in tbe house he storms off upstairs like a child when I say something back those are just snippets of the bad side

@emhill123 my heart is breaking for you. I've been in exactly the same position, except I stayed and kept trying to get him to change. I can tell you now that he didn't and it wore me out and destroyed the love that I had for him. Our kids also started smoking weed when they were teenagers (they stole it from his stash on occasion they told me).

My ex DH also had a bad childhood and my heart bled for him. But I can see now that I was enabling him, I mothered him basically. I took care of the majority of the adulting. Yes he did the shopping and cooked etc, but only if I told him what to buy, what to cook etc.

Please please leave him. This is what I wish I could tell my younger self. You deserve better and so does your DD.

He may stop smoking if you leave him and try and persuade you that he's changed, mine did, and after 8 months of living apart, I took him back and gradually he started to fall back into his old ways. It then took me another 2 years to find the strength to kick him out again.

A part of me feels awful for abandoning him, but I just reached a point where I could no longer do it, I had to put my own mental health first. It sounds like you are at that point too and I want to add to the voices on here reassuring you it is ok to put yourself first, no one else is going to are they?!

He needs to take responsibility for his own health, and if he can't even take his meds then why the hell should you destroy your life for him just because you're married???

This sounds so familiar to me 😔

It really upsets me now, to look back and realise that he put a downer on all of our holidays with his bad moods and creating stress out of nothing. It had just become so normal to me.

I just want to reiterate here what someone else said up thread, that it's ok to put a boundary in place, ie that you won't be with him while he still smokes. That's not you abandoning him, that's him having to make a choice. If he knows the consequences of his choice he can't blame you for his choices.

@Beachlovingirlthat sounds awful and I really dont want my daughter to start smoking it i want to give her the best life and right now I csnt do that becuase im also needing to tell her we never have any money! I'm sick of it im constantly asking my sister for money!
We are also trying to renovate too which dosent help any situation.

Do you think I could of caused this by enabling it before he would ring me up whilst im at work for the odd twenty pin d every 2/3 days then after months I started saying no! Or if I i did say no he would either get it himself or ask someone else now he's started getting it on a tab buys it in bulk and still needs to get more before payday! Half 11 yestesterday morning he goes out i said where are going knowing full well where he was going he comes back i said this needs to stop i was even truthful and said you know I won't leave you so that's why you won't stop it

You one hundred percent have not caused this!!! Yes, you may have enabled him somewhat, but you did that out of love, please don't beat yourself up about it!

You have to tell him that you will leave him unless he stops, and you have to mean it.

It's so fucking hard though. Honestly, I know how you're feeling.

@namechangequickie thank you si much for saying that ive been blaming myself for so long and I keep telling myself I love him but one little stress and everything else in one starts stressing him out which then puts me on edge he would never ever do anything to me but its just the atmosphere when something goes wrong

@emhill123 you are strong and you need to take charge and take your DD away from this person. You don’t want her to only remember having a holiday but at the end your husband kicking off and shouting. That is heart breaking.

I have been where you are now though being torn because my ex is a gambling addict. I remember him always having no money and making stuff up for the reason I needed to give him some. His bank account has been hacked, his car has broken down, he needs to get his mum a birthday present. I did enable him without knowing what the money was going on.
None of this is your fault. You can only do the next right thing and this is hard but you must do it for you and for your DD. You both deserve to have a better life.
this isn’t the same as splitting because of something insignificant - this is really significant! He puts smoking weed before you both every single day!
Do you have somewhere you can go?

@beachlovingirlhe lives at our home in both our names i inherited it from my dad so he would have no where to go :/

@emhill123 what do you want to happen?
he’s created this situation himself. You can’t allow drugs around your child end of story.

it might be worth reaching out to women’s aid. They can help with lots of things from a putting things in perspective sort of thing but also with practical advise.

You’ll have to be brave and leave him OP because your child needs you to do this for her.

Yeah im going to have to look into this @Beachlovingirl it is just so hard

There is a support group for families of drug and alcohol addicts and one of their rules is “You did not cause this “ He chooses to smoke weed and there’s nothing that you can do to change that. Change will only come when he’s ready and he may never reach that point.

If you leave and he becomes worse then don’t blame yourself. Addicts will often pounce on something like that as an excuse to smoke more drugs.

It’s hard enough teaching teens not to take drugs and if you stay, you risk dd and your partner doing drugs together. She will have grown up in a house where smoking weed is normal and you’ll have 2 tantrumming toddlers rather than just the one. Protect her even though it will be painful for you. She deserves the best in life as do you.

Yes you correct!
That is one of the things that im worried his mental health getting worse what if he even does something stupid then she will have no dad at all thats the only thing I worry about and he thinks now today becuase hes givem me 50 for the electric bought our daughter a Halloween painting for her to do that thats ok
And hes left money for a food shopping i feel bad then but then he reminds me that he also gave the dealer 200 today to pay his bill off! I said we are not making a bill that high again I said it again I said we won't be marri3d anymore if you do and he laughed basically because he thinks im joking! @Beachlovingirlsorry to go on a rant! I never ever talk to anyone about this and now im just getting it all out!

@emhill123 it's ok, get it all out. I found journaling helped. Once I wrote it down and read it back, seeing it there in black and white helped me see how bad it was.

I worry that my ex might kill himself, but I have to keep reminding myself that if he does, that is not my fault. Yes, it'll be awful for the kids to lose their dad, but it's out of my control. I am not responsible for his actions, only he is.

Please don't worry about him having nowhere to live either, again, to be blunt, this is not your problem. I know how harsh this sounds, but you really need to put yourself and your DD first.

At all times remember: He is choosing this. At any point, he could choose to get help and sort himself out, but he is choosing not to because he loves weed more than he loves you or your DD. It's so incredibly sad, but it's true, I'm so sorry 😞

@emhill123 i agree with @namechangequickie on this one.

one this to raise though; have you actually sat your partner down and started with “this is important” and told him that the weed must stop immediately or your marriage is over. It can’t be a passing comment. You have to be explicit with him on this and see what he says. If you’ve never really said that clearly to him he might think you are just joking and not take it seriously and you need to impress upon him how serious you are in order for him to evaluate his life.

@Beachlovingirl yeah ive told him before it needs to stop he did tbe thing where he laughs as if im joking so I said no seriously this csnt go on he then stopped for about 2 weeks he just smoked tobacco then which im fine with he then started to get it again small amounts but then it became big amounts again he just cant admit he cant stop but then I know he can go without as he didnt have it for a week whilst we were away
Yeah he probably thought about it but didnt have it which proves this is all just a choice hes making

@emhill123 before we split up for good, me and my ex had loads of little splits, where he moved out (to a friend's house) and he promised me he'd stop smoking. He never lasted long though, even our big split of months, he went back to it eventually.

I will talk to him this morning will keep you posted!
This is the first time of me using this forum properly and I've got to be honest its been the best advice ive had @Beachlovingirl

@emhill123 let us know how it goes 🙂

@Beachlovingirlso yesterday I said to him you xant keep doing this becuase we are not longer going to be together if you do he did a sarcastic laugh I said you think im messing with you dont you he didnt say anything tjen last night he went round next door for one
His mind is telling him if he dosent spend as much I won't leave

You cant help him. Only he can help himself. You aren't a professional drug rehabilitation counsellor. You will kill ypurself trying to help him while hecdoes nothing.You need to get your child away from him.

@emhill123 do you have separate bank accounts? If not, open your own bank account and have your money paid in there. At least he can’t spend any of it on drugs and you know that soft drugs usually lead to harder drugs so there’s that too. Sorry but your partner is not good dad material - get your daughter away.

Perhaps it is time for a fresh start and to move away from that area altogether.