Advice

[emhill123]

I need advice
My husband had a bad childhood cant go into detail but for years hes been smoking weed its got bad now where hes giving dealers 300 pounds a month sometimes more sometimes less to pay off his bill we have one child my question is ive told him how much this is affecting us financially im behind on council tax now aswell and just stressed is it selfish of me to leave if he dosent stop? Our vows are in sickness and in health so if he has a mental health problem I cant leave him but feel like I need to for my own mental health amd for financial stability.
What would anyone else do in this situation?
Hes been on medication but never sticks to it

We have separate bank accounts but all the direct debits come out of mine and I get shopping, when he gets uc he pays the dealer off buys other things that he thinks he needs then sends the rest to me for electric and shopping so really apart from abit of shopping and electric i do mostly everything

He’s sponging off you too? Leave. Make the home a better place for you and your dd. He’s not going to change. His choosing.

@Linenpickle it can feel like that sometimes but im.the only one with a wage
He cant work becuase of his mental health

@emhill123 he can claim his own benefits regardless so he can have an income and you can claim benefits you’re entitled to like child benefit and whatever else.
he’s having his cake and eating it. You earn family money and spend it on the family. He warns family money (from the UC) and pays off his dealer.
i can tell you really really don’t want to leave him.
why don’t you tell us what your plan is because we can advise you all we can but I don’t think you realise that for 1) you both deserve better and 2) he’s not your other child. He’s an adult who’s adult enough to make choices such as smoking drugs but you feel responsibly for his welfare.
Do you have friends and family support?

I do feel like I have a responsibility for his welfare yeah i do :/
If I leave he will be worse, yeah I know I need to leave for him to eventually decide to listen to me well I should hope so anyway:/
My plan is im going to be telling him again tomorrow hiw I feel and see what he says tjen ill be firmly saying this cannot continue we have a child who i dearly love and would do anything for, yes I really lovey husband but its not enough now if hes not going to listen to me, he thinks neciase he sends me the rest of the uc money after paying the dealer off then thats fine. :/

@emhill123 you come across as very caring so I understand how you your heart is ruling your head - it happens to us all 😊

that’s a start and hopefully what you say will resonate with him and he will be the one to say you’re right I have to change and give that up.

I am doubting him saying that as I said something earlier that he needs to stop this and he hasent listened so im thinking stand my ground abit more beciase thats my problem i am very caring I care alot about other people than I do myself
I really just need to be stern with him

Sorry if not mych of that made sense I was typing fast 🤣🤣

@emhill123 you do need to be really clear with him if you want to give him the chance.
I can tell you are very caring but as long as you are really stern with yourself that you give him only 1 chance to give it up and if he doesn’t, then you must follow through and leave. You can do this. You and your little girl deserve so much better than living with someone addicted to drugs.

@Beachlovingirl I completely get you! I know what i need to do ive told him how I feel today but tbh once again he didnt really respond much but 2 days ago when I asked him how much did he get he said 90 pounds so I flipped and all he said was its not a problem everyone smokes it round here blah blah blah, which I guess he is right the town stinks of it

So glad the taxpayers are paying hundreds of pounds a month for this waster’s drug habit!!

So a little update
Ive spoken to him but apparently me keeping on asking him to stop is seeing on at him which then makes me feel bad ive explained our daughter is my priority he still continues to buy it

You are not selfish, your responsibility is to yourself and your child. It’s time to get out before it worsens, which it will. This is already bad, but can get a lot worse and you need to be able to manage your finances to live, he is sabotaging that

Please do not feel bad. Be kind to yourself, you are doing your best and be strong. You have to focus on what is best for your child

I would put my child first and leave.

@emhill123 so sorry for what you are going through. Disappointing he doesn’t see your point of view.
It’s a classic addict response that you nagging js actually making him do it more.
it is bad @emhill123 drug abuse is on another level. You don’t have to accept the way it is. He wants to be this way but you don’t.

Physically thr only reason why I feel like i need to accept the way it is is because of his bad past and that I should be empathetic and supportive but honestly dont want to be anymore

Hes had a bad past, so he needs to fix it. Not put it all on you

@emhill123 you're not being unreasonable by saying no drugs around my kids. You shouldn’t be doubting yourself because he’s taking drugs around your child. He is doing that. He is choosing that path for himself. You need to protect yourself and your daughter from exposure to that path like any parent would do.

Say to him we are parents - we have to provide our child with the very best we can and he knows in heart of heart that he is not doing that. He knows. You know OP.

Did you speak to women’s aid? Prioritise that because you need support at this time and to be listened to and have a sounding board. They will do that. Contact them today usually you have to complete an email form and then someone will call you.

I havent spoken to women's aid yet, what do they do? X

@emhill123 mainly they listen to you and ask questions about your situation but it the nicest kindest way possible with no judgement. They asked me a few basic questions and I was in tears straight away because it felt so good to say it all out loud.
they also have practical advice and nothing shocks them - you can just be totally open with them.
there’s nothing to lose here OP so I would try them honestly. You are dealing with a lot. 🥰