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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Fair split that won't leave me struggling

54 replies

trippy8 · 19/10/2025 11:41

I am very torn to what request during mediation process. I have consulted solicitor and he was very forthcoming with tailored advice (for free consultation) with all financial details I provided, but I don't want to leave father of my children totally dry and even more resentful. I initiated the divorce and stbexdh is very hurt... emotionally and financially that I will take half of his money.
Situation: married for 8 years, have 8 and 3 year old. I started working 3 days a week this august. My annual salary at the end of this tax year will be around £11k, his £44k
He is a freelance and travels a lot for work. Sometimes we don't see him for most of the month, some months he is at home without a single day away.

My work and my life circle around his schedule - therefore 50/50 split childcare is impossible. He threatens to find a full time local job - but I doubt he will.
I am ok with the way we live right now - I am happy with this uneven split of labour as long as it's recognised financially and I can have some time away from time to time while he takes over childcare when in the UK.

We will have a house and savings to split. I understand that 50/50 would be simplest way to do it. He paid 100k deposit for the house and I did chip in with my sad 10k (joint tenants) - that's part he is most upset about. His savings also are significantly higher than mine. I pump all leftover money into LISA.

What is your experience of what would be a 'fair' division of assets to ask for that is not going to leave me struggling to support myself with my limited earning opportunities? I'd like to avoid involving solicitors for more than they're needed, therefore I want to come forward with agreeable proposal.

I was also considering an option where we keep kids at family home and have a little studio/room rented out where we can go away when it's others person turn to look after children at home at least until little one starts school. I find that, even if cheaper in a short term (as avoids bills for running two households) will keep us financially entangled. What in your opinion would be reasonable financial arrangement for this set up?
At the minute husband (with exceptions here and there where I am asked to cover 100% of all bills) pays mortgage and all household bills plus family credit card for all expenses. I pay nursery fees, after school clubs and all extra curriculum my older child attends (ballet, jiu jitsu, gymnastics etc).

I appreciate your take an similar experience stories.

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 19/10/2025 11:48

Well it’s understandable he’s upset as you initiated separation and he stands to lose the sizeable deposit he invested into this marriage

whats ‘fair’ will come down to the total value of assets in the pot, housing needs and incomes - if you’re only earning 11k you must be entitled to sizeable benefit top up - therefore your monthly incomes might not actually be too dissimilar when you factor in wages, uc and cms

most likely the house will be sold and split - you may be entitled to more of equity if you’re predominantly housing the children

fivetriangulartrees · 19/10/2025 12:00

I may have got the wrong end of the stick, but why are you pumping your leftover money into a LISA? If you're already joint tenants you won't be able to use the money to buy your own place. And if you're saving for retirement, why not a pension, which you can access sooner if needs be?

Summerhillsquare · 19/10/2025 12:06

It's not 'his' money you'll be 'taking', you stand no chance of fairness or good shared care if you keep that idea.

Octavia64 · 19/10/2025 12:11

Nesting tends to stop working when one of the parents meets another partner. This is often much quicker than people anticipate.

I therefore wouldn’t plan on it.

you working around his schedule if he is completely freelance is going to basically stop you working. He can change how much he is working and when as he chooses and if he’s upset and decides he wants to make your life miserable he can do.

i wouldn’t be choosing to let him have that power.

the usual situation is that both parties need to be housed and the children need somewhere to live.

Original poster
trippy8 · 19/10/2025 12:19

fivetriangulartrees · 19/10/2025 12:00

I may have got the wrong end of the stick, but why are you pumping your leftover money into a LISA? If you're already joint tenants you won't be able to use the money to buy your own place. And if you're saving for retirement, why not a pension, which you can access sooner if needs be?

Because of goverment top up I decided it's good investment into my retirement. I do have stocks and shares ISA as well for immediate expenses.

OP posts:
Original poster
trippy8 · 19/10/2025 12:23

Octavia64 · 19/10/2025 12:11

Nesting tends to stop working when one of the parents meets another partner. This is often much quicker than people anticipate.

I therefore wouldn’t plan on it.

you working around his schedule if he is completely freelance is going to basically stop you working. He can change how much he is working and when as he chooses and if he’s upset and decides he wants to make your life miserable he can do.

i wouldn’t be choosing to let him have that power.

the usual situation is that both parties need to be housed and the children need somewhere to live.

It doesn't stop me working as I do my 3 days a week and childcare at the same time regardless if he is home or away. I'd rather for him to keep working the way he is so he can support children in the same capacity he used us live.

You're right, he can work a little as he wants and that's something I am afraid off. He might just reduce his earning potential just to spite me and have less money to divide.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 19/10/2025 12:23

On £11k a year its going to be an immense struggle to support yourself and his salary isnt really big enough to support two households. You will get benefits and help with childcare costs.

P00hsticks · 19/10/2025 12:23

S&S ISA's should be seen as long term investments (5-10 year minimum). If you think you'll need the money in a shorter time frame then you really should have a cash ISA - you don;t want to lave to be selling stocks in a hurry when the markets are at a low.

Original poster
trippy8 · 19/10/2025 12:24

Summerhillsquare · 19/10/2025 12:06

It's not 'his' money you'll be 'taking', you stand no chance of fairness or good shared care if you keep that idea.

That's why I am trying to figure out what is fair.

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 19/10/2025 12:26

I would go for a clean break.

First it’s not his money. It’s joint. Your contribution has been greater in terms of unpaid work but it is still a valuable contribution.

what are your plans? Would you be able to afford to buy?

I would take my solicitors advice. Ignore completely what your ex has to say. He has a vested interest. Don’t forget that pensions need to be taken into account too. Have you both filled out form E?

Original poster
trippy8 · 19/10/2025 12:27

Viviennemary · 19/10/2025 12:23

On £11k a year its going to be an immense struggle to support yourself and his salary isnt really big enough to support two households. You will get benefits and help with childcare costs.

wrong message quoted

OP posts:
Original poster
trippy8 · 19/10/2025 12:30

Rainbowqueeen · 19/10/2025 12:26

I would go for a clean break.

First it’s not his money. It’s joint. Your contribution has been greater in terms of unpaid work but it is still a valuable contribution.

what are your plans? Would you be able to afford to buy?

I would take my solicitors advice. Ignore completely what your ex has to say. He has a vested interest. Don’t forget that pensions need to be taken into account too. Have you both filled out form E?

I have a tiny pension pot since my employment always been extremely low because of childcare cost. He has around 70k in savings plus 24k that he keeps in childrens premium bonds (so won't be factored in split). I am awaiting my first MIAM appointment so nothing has been filled yet.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 19/10/2025 12:31

trippy8 · 19/10/2025 12:27

wrong message quoted

Edited
Show quote history

Some of these savings, not pension, might put you over the threshold for means tested benefits.

Original poster
trippy8 · 19/10/2025 12:32

P00hsticks · 19/10/2025 12:23

S&S ISA's should be seen as long term investments (5-10 year minimum). If you think you'll need the money in a shorter time frame then you really should have a cash ISA - you don;t want to lave to be selling stocks in a hurry when the markets are at a low.

I do have few pots here and there to be accessed at different times as those were set up before I planned divorce. LISA for retirement - I only have 5 years left I can contribute. S&S ftse for longer term and cash ISA on 4.05 daily interest to be used in emergency.

OP posts:
Mumlaplomb · 19/10/2025 12:32

To be honest I would aim for 50/50 split of the house and any assets including savings. It’s a long marriage with kids and you will have the kids most of the time, don’t feel bad about his deposit you will be leaving any money to his kids.

butimamonstersaidthemonster · 19/10/2025 12:34

Nesting is about what’s best for the children and keeping them in their family home while parents rotate is better for them.

autumnevenings25 · 19/10/2025 12:44

So what is the value of assets you personally have in terms of ISA etc?

i think morally and ethically he should have his £100k deposit factored in to his share - he clearly had that before you married/bought the house

im a lone parent and I work full time - courts tend to take a dim view of people who say they have limited earning opportunities - where there is a will there is a way

Original poster
trippy8 · 19/10/2025 12:48

autumnevenings25 · 19/10/2025 12:44

So what is the value of assets you personally have in terms of ISA etc?

i think morally and ethically he should have his £100k deposit factored in to his share - he clearly had that before you married/bought the house

im a lone parent and I work full time - courts tend to take a dim view of people who say they have limited earning opportunities - where there is a will there is a way

I have 20k in total, where 11k cannot be touched as it's LISA.
I agree that there is a way where is a will, and I have never stopped working (apart from mat leave) but how much I could work is a difficult balance between available time and cost of childcare when I have absolutely no one to help me with all the chores.

OP posts:
ThejoyofNC · 19/10/2025 12:56

Your post comes across as though you want more than 50%, is that the case?

NellieElephantine · 19/10/2025 12:56

trippy8 · 19/10/2025 12:30

I have a tiny pension pot since my employment always been extremely low because of childcare cost. He has around 70k in savings plus 24k that he keeps in childrens premium bonds (so won't be factored in split). I am awaiting my first MIAM appointment so nothing has been filled yet.

Show quote history

What was your employment like before kids? How old are you?

Tryingmybest100 · 19/10/2025 12:56

Why do you think you can only contribute towards your LISA for another 4 years? As long as you open it before you are 40 you can contribute to it for as long as you want.

Also, all your savings will be taken into account in terms of joint assets too, including your LISA so its not just his that you have to divide.

In terms of whats fair, you will be expected to up your income by working more - I have 3 DC and work full time. I just use childcare and you will probably be expected to do the same unless one of your DC is a baby or any of them have additional needs which means that accessing childcare is extremely hard.

Look at what your income will be once you live separately - will you be entitled to a rent top up from UC as I assume you will be unable to afford to buy a property? What will you get from CMS?

Original poster
trippy8 · 19/10/2025 12:59

NellieElephantine · 19/10/2025 12:56

What was your employment like before kids? How old are you?

Show quote history

in UK since 2014. First baby 2017. I worked full time before kids and I am 34.

OP posts:
Original poster
trippy8 · 19/10/2025 13:01

ThejoyofNC · 19/10/2025 12:56

Your post comes across as though you want more than 50%, is that the case?

No. I think 50/50 split is fair. My spouse thinks it's unfair on him and lawyer thinks I should aim for more.

OP posts:
Original poster
trippy8 · 19/10/2025 13:03

Tryingmybest100 · 19/10/2025 12:56

Why do you think you can only contribute towards your LISA for another 4 years? As long as you open it before you are 40 you can contribute to it for as long as you want.

Also, all your savings will be taken into account in terms of joint assets too, including your LISA so its not just his that you have to divide.

In terms of whats fair, you will be expected to up your income by working more - I have 3 DC and work full time. I just use childcare and you will probably be expected to do the same unless one of your DC is a baby or any of them have additional needs which means that accessing childcare is extremely hard.

Look at what your income will be once you live separately - will you be entitled to a rent top up from UC as I assume you will be unable to afford to buy a property? What will you get from CMS?

My bad. I confused opening deadline with contribution deadline. I can contribute until 50, after that it will compound interest on what is already there.

I will be back working full time once both children are in school (Sept 2027). Last months nursery bill for 3 days a week with all free hours included was £800...

OP posts:
helpfulperson · 19/10/2025 13:08

Don't forget all your ISA's, LISA etc will all be included in the calculations of 50%. It soinds like you have a fair bit.

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