Fair split that won't leave me struggling

[trippy8]

I am very torn to what request during mediation process. I have consulted solicitor and he was very forthcoming with tailored advice (for free consultation) with all financial details I provided, but I don't want to leave father of my children totally dry and even more resentful. I initiated the divorce and stbexdh is very hurt... emotionally and financially that I will take half of his money.
Situation: married for 8 years, have 8 and 3 year old. I started working 3 days a week this august. My annual salary at the end of this tax year will be around £11k, his £44k
He is a freelance and travels a lot for work. Sometimes we don't see him for most of the month, some months he is at home without a single day away.

My work and my life circle around his schedule - therefore 50/50 split childcare is impossible. He threatens to find a full time local job - but I doubt he will.
I am ok with the way we live right now - I am happy with this uneven split of labour as long as it's recognised financially and I can have some time away from time to time while he takes over childcare when in the UK.

We will have a house and savings to split. I understand that 50/50 would be simplest way to do it. He paid 100k deposit for the house and I did chip in with my sad 10k (joint tenants) - that's part he is most upset about. His savings also are significantly higher than mine. I pump all leftover money into LISA.

What is your experience of what would be a 'fair' division of assets to ask for that is not going to leave me struggling to support myself with my limited earning opportunities? I'd like to avoid involving solicitors for more than they're needed, therefore I want to come forward with agreeable proposal.

I was also considering an option where we keep kids at family home and have a little studio/room rented out where we can go away when it's others person turn to look after children at home at least until little one starts school. I find that, even if cheaper in a short term (as avoids bills for running two households) will keep us financially entangled. What in your opinion would be reasonable financial arrangement for this set up?
At the minute husband (with exceptions here and there where I am asked to cover 100% of all bills) pays mortgage and all household bills plus family credit card for all expenses. I pay nursery fees, after school clubs and all extra curriculum my older child attends (ballet, jiu jitsu, gymnastics etc).

I appreciate your take an similar experience stories.

But the childcare costs are joint costs, not yours solely to bear - so that adds to the argument that you have made a significant financial contribution to the marriage - both facilitating his ability to work away so much, and covering the childcare costs for HIS children.

If he were to have the DC full time, he would not be able to work as he does now. You have enabled that, to your financial detriment, including your lack of pension.

I would aim for 50/50 split of assets, plus maintenance to reflect the proportion of time the DC are with you, and your uneven pensions to date (because of your lack of ability to earn/save as much as him).

If you’ve got £20k savings it will stop you getting UC. You’ll also get a lot more from the split how are you going to support yourself when you divorce on £11k income a year? Your ex isn’t going to pay for your mortgage and bills.

It ceased to be His money when he married. It’s a tough one to swallow, but that’s the deal in divorce. Think of yours and your children’s futures, don’t feel sorry for him. Make sure you get what you need .
My situation was slightly less usual as I bought the bulk of the money into our marriage and my exh left with well lined pocket and a pension. Taking into account lost earnings because I had 2 children plus the divorce settlement, it’s all cost me hundreds of thousands of pounds.

Morally, if he had the £100k before the marriage it would be so wrong to split that. If it was earned during the marriage whilst you were saving you both money by doing all the childcare then yes split it 50/50. You’re going to end up with way over the benefit savings threshold once the savings have been split so you’ll end up just burning through all that cash just to live then it’ll be gone. There’s not really an obvious answer here except you need to earn more to be able to provide for your children. He’ll be paying you CMS but on £44k a year, it’s not going to be enough to sustain you without the need for you to earn more.

I think it’s fair if you both get your deposits that you paid in back.

But then everything else should be 50/50.

In theory, he should be able to stay in the family home with the kids as you’re the one choosing to leave.

But with his work pattern I would ask that for ease, that you keep the kids.

Are you able to buy him out of the family home?
You could suggest this, but he may also want to keep it.

It is probably more realistic that the current house gets sold and split 50/50 apart from the original deposit.

I think you’re very brave and commend you for doing this as I don’t think it’s going to be easy, especially financially but you are doing the right thing.

The role of the mediator will be to help you navigate through these questions. You don't need to have answers before you start the process. Let them guide you.

You’re clearly a good financial planner from what you have posted so sit down and financially plan your new life.

The two of you will need two homes and that is substantially more expensive - more income will be needed or your living standards will have to drop.

Plan what you can earn, now and in the coming years. I don’t think there is an answer to what is fair right now but better to think of it as how you can use your current assets and resources to build new separate lives.

Best of luck.

You said before this post that you understood when several posters pointed out you are not ‘taking his money’ and that it’s joint money accrued by both of you.

and then you say ‘he’ has £70k in savings.

no - ‘he’ / doesn’t

you ‘both’ have. Regardless of whose name is on it.

i think if you can’t understand why it’s joint, then you don’t have much hope of getting a fair settlement.

50/50 isn’t fair. Because you earn £11k and he earns £44k so how could it possibly be?!? Your lawyer is right.

I also think it’s unfair to take half of the 100k he put into the house for such a short marriage. I think it’s fair that you both get your deposits back and then work out a fair split of equity. I don’t think keeping the house/nesting is a good idea.

@arethereanyleftatall it might be because op only works pt now and can seek ft employment, and can improve earning potential. They’ll also consider income not gross salaries now and once op adds in earnings, uc, cms ( plus in future if not now ft work) they’ll be similar incomes

You get same government top up if you invest into a SIPP and you can access money for pension sharing.

50/50 is the starting point.

I would suggest that your marriage is a relatively short one and you would be very lucky to get 50%.

The children do make a difference to that calculation but you would be expected to maximise your earning capacity.

Working 3 days a week and earning 11k is sustainable in a relationship, not as a single parent. Have you checked what you would be entitled to in terms of benefits? Or what you might be able to buy property wise with a settlement? That would probably be a small flat, given your earnings. But the children are young and you should be able to move again in the future.

Your contribution in childcare and lost earnings counts as much as his in money. The starting point should be a 50/50 split of all assets.

You want a clean break. You also need to maximize your own income by working full time. You can’t keep thinking about yourself as supporting his career.

OP you cant live on 11k a year and on 44k ( a totally average salary) you soon to be ex husband will not be able to support you and the children. CMS based contribution will be very modest on that salary.
If you take ‘your’ half of the house money you will have to buy a new house immediately to enable you to claim UC and childcare costs, or else you will end up being forced to use that money to live until its almost gone- is that the plan?
And this brings me back to not being able to live on 11k a year- you also wont be able to get a mortgage which you will need!!
You urgently need to seek proper full time employment to increase earning power, you will need to use nursery f/t and wraparound childcare for the older child, Which you can claim 80% of and use TFC for.

That's a very fair point. With 100k I won't be able to secure a house that will be big enough for me and kids in area that we live, plus with my reduced earnings it would be hard to secure mortgage at least until it makes sense for me to work full time (2027).
ChatGPT (lol) suggested deferred sale until younger child reach a certain milestone and then divide house 60/40 in his favour to acknowledge larger deposit to which my suggestion is: give him his 100k, everything else 50/50 - I think this would be easier for him emotionally to accept, even if 60/40 split is more favourable financially to both of us... Time will tell...

Lot's of interesting input. Thank you everyone!

I can’t see your DH accepting that, he won’t want to wait to get his equity out if the house and move on with his life.

Even if you did get a mesher order ( which courts only use as a last resort or where children are teens studying GCSEs etc so it’s short term) can you take on the mortgage and pay all bills? It would seem unlikely that the mortgage company would allow this based on your earnings

You really need to think about going to work full time - childcare is a potential problem / expense - your chores are not - the essential ones get done and anything else is pointless

I’ll be brutally honest here and say that with a combined salary of 55k between you, there isn’t a way out which leaves you not “struggling”.

You need to be working full time, court will expect you to maximise your income so the finances won’t be decided based on your actual £11k salary but rather based on what your actual full time salary is. You’re expected to make that the reality.

The absolute best I’d hope for really is 50% of “the pot” but that doesn’t necessarily mean 50% of the house, you have your own savings etc which will all be factored in.

And OP hasn't confirmed how much she has in savings which will affect the split.

“When have I absolutely no one to help me with all the chores”

oh come on that’s not a reason to justify not working full time. It’s not up to your ex (or the taxpayer) to top you up because you decide you can’t work full time because of “all the chores” - lots of us can and do work full time and pay our way and get the chores done

you’ve only been in the country 11 years since 2014 and sounds like for 8 of that you haven’t worked? What country are you from originally and will that not impact on UC etc?

I can’t see the nesting arrangement working, one of you (at least) is bound to meet someone else

If you defer the house sale where will your DH live while he waits for his equity?

He should have insisted on a tenants in common mortgage to secure his deposit. That’s what I did with my ex. Though I wouldn’t have taken his deposit as that was his savings. It’s your call whether you do as of course legally you can. I ended up renting, and I don’t regret it as for me the right thing to do. I could have taken 40% of money he paid off the mortgage when we were together (he saved whilst I paid for all kids clothes etc) but didn’t. It’s taken me 15yrs to be in a position to buy again, but even if i’d have taken 30k ish I was entitled to I still couldn’t have bought in the South East. The kids have been happy, I have a good relationship with my ex, we have even shared several big holidays with the kids.

Not saying this is the right thing to do, but it it was me, i’d ring fence his deposit and i’d be going after max maintenance given he can’t have the kids much. Of course you need to think of your kids and what you can afford locally. He won’t be able to legally dispute 50-50 and I guess it’s his own fault for getting a joint mortgage not tenants in common. But taking his deposit isn’t something i’d do.