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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Just found out…

60 replies

NewLife4me72 · 05/10/2025 23:14

My husband of 20 years decided last November that he wanted to separate, out of blue for me but he says it’s been over for him for last 5 years but there have been no signs at all. I have just found out however that he has been going to a married gay man’s group for counselling. He’s been v difficult and really horrible and nasty with our separation/divorce and just wants me out of house and to walk away from everything and pay for all future expenses as I earn more and he has created an untrue narrative that I’ve been focused on work, he has done all the caring for the children ( which is totally untrue) and that I am difficult to live with etc. I haven’t told anyone about the possibility of him being gay and not raised it with him. I just don’t know what - if anything - I should do with this info, plus, I can’t really prove anything and he could just deny it. At this point I just want out, but he is painting me to be cause of all his woes, While all the time it appears that he has realised he’s gay and wants out of the marriage but won’t admit he is the cause. I don’t understand why he can’t just say that rather than trying to paint me as the reason he wants out of the marriage. I don’t think the children would react well to this information about him which is why I haven’t said anything. What would you do in my situation, I feel like I should just say nothing get on with the divorce and no doubt in time the truth will come out anyway , any advice or anyone else found them themselves in this situation?

OP posts:
Bottleplant · 07/10/2025 11:36

Oh. I think I might just have to mention that suspicion/how upsetting it is to the biggest gossip I know...

EuclidianGeometryFan · 07/10/2025 12:30

Notquitethetruth · 06/10/2025 09:46

You have no proof? This is one instance where I would employ a private detective to get the proof. Otherwise, he continues to live a lie with his portrayal of you to all and sundry. He should not be allowed to bully you into submission. He's a liar and a cheat. Keep on progressing with the divorce but don't let him rewrite the history. How did you find out about the group?

his portrayal of you to all and sundry

I find that life is immeasurably more peaceful and simpler when you learn, deep down, to really, really, really not care what other people think or say about you.

No need to investigate. No need to care what he says to anyone (except the DC). When you know the truth, you don't need everyone else to know it.

EuclidianGeometryFan · 07/10/2025 12:35

NewLife4me72 · 07/10/2025 09:25

Thanks for all the support and great advice. I really appreciate being able to vent here as I’ve nobody really to talk to who understands. He wants 50/50 parenting so he sees them Iiving with “both of us”. I think he believes though they will want to stay in the family home rather than with me if I move. He wants me to pay for a minimum of 3/4 of all expenses. He wants the house and to take over the mortgage as I can “afford” to buy another house while he can’t (not necessarily true, but what is true is he won’t be able to buy a 5 bed house like the one we have). He has asked for maintenance for himself too but as he works 4 days as a financial controller earning a good salary my solicits saying he wont get that. I’m unsure whether I want to keep the family home myself, or force a sale, he can’t afford to buy me out but is suggesting a deferred sale so he could stay there. I think I’d like to move and have a fresh start as the current house is v remote. He’s going to be difficult and will dig his heels in.

In your shoes I would force the sale of the house, so you both have to move, go for a 50/50 split of childcare so neither of you pays the other maintenance, and then you will be totally financially free of him.

The DC are old enough that they will make up their own minds whose house to sleep in. Their prime consideration will be what suits their own social lives (where friends and hobbies are), not which parent they are with.

Zucker · 07/10/2025 12:39

I'd force the sale, after his treatment of you so far why would you be inclined to make anything easy for him.. Feck him, he'll have to cut his lifestyle to his means from now on!

Pineconesandpetals · 07/10/2025 12:51

NewLife4me72 · 07/10/2025 09:25

Thanks for all the support and great advice. I really appreciate being able to vent here as I’ve nobody really to talk to who understands. He wants 50/50 parenting so he sees them Iiving with “both of us”. I think he believes though they will want to stay in the family home rather than with me if I move. He wants me to pay for a minimum of 3/4 of all expenses. He wants the house and to take over the mortgage as I can “afford” to buy another house while he can’t (not necessarily true, but what is true is he won’t be able to buy a 5 bed house like the one we have). He has asked for maintenance for himself too but as he works 4 days as a financial controller earning a good salary my solicits saying he wont get that. I’m unsure whether I want to keep the family home myself, or force a sale, he can’t afford to buy me out but is suggesting a deferred sale so he could stay there. I think I’d like to move and have a fresh start as the current house is v remote. He’s going to be difficult and will dig his heels in.

Gosh, he has quite a list of "wants" doesn't he? Personally, I would force the sale of the house for a clean financial break. Time for "Gerald" to learn he doesn't always get what he wants.

ChasingTheDuck · 07/10/2025 13:47

What has your solicitor said in terms of the split vs what he wants?

Id keep my powder dry on the emails, and grey rock him completely. Dig in and just go for 50/50. Do not let him keep the house or any of the other stuff. Make it a fair split rather than what he's proposing.

Original poster
NewLife4me72 · 07/10/2025 15:45

@ChasingTheDuck solicitor has said that likely if goes to court (we are in Ireland) I would likely have to pay more of the children’s expenses as I earn more. Also any agreement on assets would have to be ‘fair’ ie both of us will need to have reasonable accommodation

OP posts:
Soonenough · 07/10/2025 16:17

If in Ireland you have to wait to be separated for two years . Get it documented that you are separated but living in same house . You might be able to get divorced quicker if he is gay and definitely can get it annulled. Do see a solicitor doing family law to get the best advice as to what are your options . If you want to stay in the house can you afford to buy him out ? Better than continuing to support the household that he is currently sharing .

Skybluepinky · 07/10/2025 18:53

The reasons don’t matter, he doesn’t want you, don’t make a big fuss.

Mix56 · 07/10/2025 19:15

I would tell him, to stop rewriting history, to stop the anger & bitterness. He wants to end the marriage as he can no longer hide his homosexuality, the anger should be directed at himself, because he is miserable in his own skin, & hasn’t got the courage to tell the truth.
If blame & anger are due, it is you who was lied to, his marriage vows were worthless & his promises to love & cherish untenable, in view if his sexual orientation .
He is gay, own it, & quit the vitriol. & the narrative that any of it is your fault.
Specifically to the DC. Or you will be obliged to explain to the DC.

Do not tell him how you know.

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