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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Just found out…

60 replies

NewLife4me72 · 05/10/2025 23:14

My husband of 20 years decided last November that he wanted to separate, out of blue for me but he says it’s been over for him for last 5 years but there have been no signs at all. I have just found out however that he has been going to a married gay man’s group for counselling. He’s been v difficult and really horrible and nasty with our separation/divorce and just wants me out of house and to walk away from everything and pay for all future expenses as I earn more and he has created an untrue narrative that I’ve been focused on work, he has done all the caring for the children ( which is totally untrue) and that I am difficult to live with etc. I haven’t told anyone about the possibility of him being gay and not raised it with him. I just don’t know what - if anything - I should do with this info, plus, I can’t really prove anything and he could just deny it. At this point I just want out, but he is painting me to be cause of all his woes, While all the time it appears that he has realised he’s gay and wants out of the marriage but won’t admit he is the cause. I don’t understand why he can’t just say that rather than trying to paint me as the reason he wants out of the marriage. I don’t think the children would react well to this information about him which is why I haven’t said anything. What would you do in my situation, I feel like I should just say nothing get on with the divorce and no doubt in time the truth will come out anyway , any advice or anyone else found them themselves in this situation?

OP posts:
Andthatrightsoon · 06/10/2025 09:37

After the divorce has gone through it will come out (so to speak) as he marries/lives with his next partner. All will be revealed in the fullness of time. Abide a while.

Notquitethetruth · 06/10/2025 09:46

You have no proof? This is one instance where I would employ a private detective to get the proof. Otherwise, he continues to live a lie with his portrayal of you to all and sundry. He should not be allowed to bully you into submission. He's a liar and a cheat. Keep on progressing with the divorce but don't let him rewrite the history. How did you find out about the group?

Original poster
NewLife4me72 · 06/10/2025 12:11

@Notquitethetruth
he used an old email address that he set up to manage a rental property we used to have to contact the group not realising or remembering that it has auto forwarding to my email address as I used to deal with tenants and he with repairs. I was auto forwarded the response he got to his enquiry. I’ve seen subsequent emails which indicated he has been to meetings but all v vague.

OP posts:
DivorcingmyNDhusband · 06/10/2025 13:13

NewLife4me72 · 06/10/2025 12:11

@Notquitethetruth
he used an old email address that he set up to manage a rental property we used to have to contact the group not realising or remembering that it has auto forwarding to my email address as I used to deal with tenants and he with repairs. I was auto forwarded the response he got to his enquiry. I’ve seen subsequent emails which indicated he has been to meetings but all v vague.

Make sure to print copies of the emails (set and revived) as PDFs. If you print then save with the date of the email at the start in reverse eg YYYY MM DD then they’ll stay in order and easy to find if you ever need them. Otherwise I’d just keep quiet and see what other emails appear. So sorry to hear about this tough situation

Original poster
NewLife4me72 · 06/10/2025 13:22

@DivorcingmyNDhusband Great advice, I’ll do that as an insurance policy

OP posts:
Rhaidimiddim · 06/10/2025 13:27

NewLife4me72 · 05/10/2025 23:23

We have solicitors and have just done financial disclosures, so divorce is well progressed . This is new information that I’m not sure what to do with and afraid it will complicate things more. Just think maybe I should say nothing and get on with the divorce. With no fault divorce I don’t think m it will impact anything. But on his side it’s all my fault!

Show quote history

What you do with the information is regard it as indicating to you that the reasons he is giving for ending the marriage, all the blame he is piling on you, all the nastiness he is turning on you - you don't deserve it. The problem is with him, and he is lying to you (and, sounds like, to himself) about the reasons your marriage is ending.

ETA - It's a bit like The Script, where the man reinvents history and claims he was never happy, the marriage had been dead anyway for a long while and all the rest to justify his infidelity and blame his wife.

tommyhoundmum · 06/10/2025 18:14

BossingItBecky · 06/10/2025 00:17

I would ask him if he’s been sleeping with men and tell him you have a right to know if he’s put you at risk of sexual infection, I’d also get yourself tested.

Edited

This is so important

Linenpickle · 06/10/2025 18:23

I think his sexuality has impacted the marriage so the fault could be seen as his. I’d tell your solicitor and show evidence and let them decide what to do with this info.

Laura95167 · 06/10/2025 18:25

Id get legal advice.

And id probably confront him and say of course its been over 5yrs if you're gay. And tbh id be nice to him, id say I didnt want to stay married to a gay man but I think it would be best if we just amicably went our own ways..

CommonAsMucklowe · 06/10/2025 18:39

MayaPinion · 06/10/2025 07:13

I split with my ex for the same reason though he at least admitted it and never blamed me for the break up of the marriage.

In your shoes I don’t think I’d be able to bite my tongue when he is denigrating you. I’d want to retaliate with something like, ‘Oh shut up Gerald. We all know this has nothing to do with me and everything to do with you being gay. Finally admitting it to yourself might make you a little less angry. You’re the one who wanted this, remember. If I was so awful you wouldn’t have stayed this long.’

Perfect!

Elektra1 · 06/10/2025 19:04

Different scenario but I am divorced now after exW left me for someone else. She literally left our marital home and the same day, moved in with OW (who also left her wife - we were all friends). At the time her story was that she hadn’t had an affair or left me “for” OW, she just decided our marriage was over at coincidentally the same time (literally same day) that OW decided her marriage was over, and they happened to start their relationship that same day and immediately cohabit. To this day (2.5 years later) she sticks to that story.

For about a year I was very angry and hurt and getting her to “admit the truth” meant everything to me. One day I realised that I was never going to get that from her, and in fact didn’t need it in order to have my own closure on the situation. These days we co-parent well and help each other out with things.

It must have been a huge shock to discover this about your husband, but in a sense, the reason he’s decided it’s over doesn’t really matter. Like many people, he obviously doesn’t want to be the bad guy so is playing out the narrative he prefers. You know the truth. I would focus on moving your own life forward, accepting that the life you had, the future you anticipated, is now gone, but you’ll have a different life and future and it can be great.

fetchacloth · 06/10/2025 20:00

Dillydollydingdong · 05/10/2025 23:23

The information, if that's what it is, really isn't relevant. He wants out. There's no point attaching blame. The marriage has irretrievably broken down. End of story. Just tell him you aren't happy and you want a divorce.

This to a tee. In your situation OP you have nothing to lose by divorcing him and moving on with your own life. In time, hopefully you meet someone worthy of you 💐

Sassylovesbooks · 06/10/2025 20:07

For now I'd keep quiet, let the emails keep coming, and print them out. Let the divorce go through, and keep things as amicable as possible on your side. Yes, it's shitty he"s blaming you for the breakdown of your marriage, but often men change the narrative to suit themselves. You may never need those printed emails, because in time people will realise that your husband has been 'in the closet' and the penny will drop. However, if he were to become difficult....then it might be the time to wave those emails in front of him!!

Laurmolonlabe · 06/10/2025 20:35

Definitely do not under any circumstances leave the house.
Who does your husband envisage the children living with?
There is no reason why you should pay all future expenses.
Your husband needs a reality check, and the best way to supply that is to consult a good divorce lawyer, and serve him with the papers.
People who don't know themselves, don't know anyone else either- good luck.

MadMadaMim · 06/10/2025 21:30

really sorry you’re having to live this. Horrible situation for everyone.

I would definitely tell your solicitor this info -it could become a factor/ be important.

as for the passive aggressive blame game, personally I would say something

’I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you to be dealing with quite significant things in your life but directing your fears/frustrations or whatever else you’re feeling at me is not fair. Your sexuality is nothing to do with me as you have chosen and continue to choose for me not to be a part of that journey; it’s unfair and unacceptable to vent in my direction. This doesn’t only impact your life - it’s impacting all our lives. Stop making the whole family’s life miserable just because you are.’

And if he denies or whatever I’d simply respond ‘ you know the truth and I know the truth but if you prefer to carry on denying a fundamental part of yourself, again your choice. I’d prefer not to play along but it’s not my choice so I have no option. I’ll play along for as long as I must’

FWIW, he didn’t need to make it such a horrible situation. A friend of mine went through a similar thing - biggest difference was that he told her and she was part of what was a fairly difficult period in his life. They’re best of friends still, both remarried with families of their own and still part of each other’s lives .

hopefully, you’ll also reach a point where you can at least be amicable and respectful of one another

Spinmerightroundbaby · 06/10/2025 21:33

NewLife4me72 · 05/10/2025 23:14

My husband of 20 years decided last November that he wanted to separate, out of blue for me but he says it’s been over for him for last 5 years but there have been no signs at all. I have just found out however that he has been going to a married gay man’s group for counselling. He’s been v difficult and really horrible and nasty with our separation/divorce and just wants me out of house and to walk away from everything and pay for all future expenses as I earn more and he has created an untrue narrative that I’ve been focused on work, he has done all the caring for the children ( which is totally untrue) and that I am difficult to live with etc. I haven’t told anyone about the possibility of him being gay and not raised it with him. I just don’t know what - if anything - I should do with this info, plus, I can’t really prove anything and he could just deny it. At this point I just want out, but he is painting me to be cause of all his woes, While all the time it appears that he has realised he’s gay and wants out of the marriage but won’t admit he is the cause. I don’t understand why he can’t just say that rather than trying to paint me as the reason he wants out of the marriage. I don’t think the children would react well to this information about him which is why I haven’t said anything. What would you do in my situation, I feel like I should just say nothing get on with the divorce and no doubt in time the truth will come out anyway , any advice or anyone else found them themselves in this situation?

OP, even though I don’t know you, big hugs. While there’s a lot of sympathy and support for those who are homosexual and the historic prejudices that they faced, not many think of spouses who are affected in these circumstances. It’s like a double betrayal. You are being left but also it seems like he’s been living a lie for sometime, which must make you question every experience with him.

In your specific situation, there’s another layer which makes it even worse. The fact he is trying to blame you rather than acknowledge and explain his own role in the undoing of the marriage. Perhaps he is still coming to terms with it and is still in some denial about the circumstances himself, I don’t know.

I agree with other posters suggesting that you should discreetly seek legal advice. I’d also recommend speaking to a counsellor or qualified mental health professional for good advice on how to handle the situation and how to discuss the matter with your husband and how Rick approach the possibility of divorce with your children etc.

With your children, much of this will depend on their ages. If they are under 16, best to keep quiet and stick to the facts. The facts are that your husband has chosen to separate from you and wishes to end the marriage on the basis that he’s been unhappy for sometime. It’s the truth and doesn’t involve any blame.

croydon15 · 06/10/2025 22:30

I would not leave the home which is yours and your children, he can move out and live with his friend.

terriblemuriel2 · 06/10/2025 22:40

He’s obviously in denial and in his mind painting you as the villain will somehow absolve him of all this unresolved conflict inside him. He probably feels guilt and shame and is still coming to terms with his sexuality. It’s not ok however for him to be abusing and blaming you.

I wouldn’t bring it up formally but if he’s still being vile when divorce is done and everything is settled, I’d probably not be able to help myself delivering a parting shot. Just so he knows you know. Probably unwise and unnecessary but he’s not dealing with this in a fair or reasonable way by rewriting history and acting as if you’re the cause of all of his problems.

Sashya · 06/10/2025 23:00

As others have said - don't leave the house and use your solicitors to negotiate your settlement. With kids being teenagers - he'll be expected to work (or get back to work) and support himself, unless there is a disability, or you are an extremely high earner... In all likelihood - you'll have to share assets 50/50.

As to this info having some strategic value. It does not. The reason for divorce - infidelity, being gay, etc. - do not matter for the financial settlement. His assigning blame to you only "matters", because you make it matter by trying to defend yourself. I'd not bother. It does not matter what he thinks.
And you certainly don't need to prove to anyone that he is to blame for divorce.

Your kids are teens and young adult - they surely observed the two of you in the past few years, and probably realise that you were not in a good place.

MarvellousMonsters · 07/10/2025 08:55

I have no advice @NewLife4me72 other than to be factual and honest with your children, tell them the truth without being angry or critical, but if he’s telling ‘the world’ (including your children) that’s you’re being awful to him and it’s your fault, it’s fine to tell the truth to your children so he doesn’t turn them against you.

Apart from that, I just want to empathise, I don’t understand why some men become so hurtful and destructive when relationships end, I’ve seen it so many times, a switch flips and a previously (seemingly) decent bloke becomes a nasty piece of shit. I hope you can get through this with minimal fuss and damage.

Original poster
NewLife4me72 · 07/10/2025 09:25

Thanks for all the support and great advice. I really appreciate being able to vent here as I’ve nobody really to talk to who understands. He wants 50/50 parenting so he sees them Iiving with “both of us”. I think he believes though they will want to stay in the family home rather than with me if I move. He wants me to pay for a minimum of 3/4 of all expenses. He wants the house and to take over the mortgage as I can “afford” to buy another house while he can’t (not necessarily true, but what is true is he won’t be able to buy a 5 bed house like the one we have). He has asked for maintenance for himself too but as he works 4 days as a financial controller earning a good salary my solicits saying he wont get that. I’m unsure whether I want to keep the family home myself, or force a sale, he can’t afford to buy me out but is suggesting a deferred sale so he could stay there. I think I’d like to move and have a fresh start as the current house is v remote. He’s going to be difficult and will dig his heels in.

OP posts:
tommyhoundmum · 07/10/2025 09:29

NewLife4me72 · 07/10/2025 09:25

Thanks for all the support and great advice. I really appreciate being able to vent here as I’ve nobody really to talk to who understands. He wants 50/50 parenting so he sees them Iiving with “both of us”. I think he believes though they will want to stay in the family home rather than with me if I move. He wants me to pay for a minimum of 3/4 of all expenses. He wants the house and to take over the mortgage as I can “afford” to buy another house while he can’t (not necessarily true, but what is true is he won’t be able to buy a 5 bed house like the one we have). He has asked for maintenance for himself too but as he works 4 days as a financial controller earning a good salary my solicits saying he wont get that. I’m unsure whether I want to keep the family home myself, or force a sale, he can’t afford to buy me out but is suggesting a deferred sale so he could stay there. I think I’d like to move and have a fresh start as the current house is v remote. He’s going to be difficult and will dig his heels in.

Horrible, greedy man

MaryGreenhill · 07/10/2025 09:32

Your DC need to know or the narrative will continue to be your fault and may change your relationship with them @NewLife4me72. Get a private investigator on him to get the proof you need then use it as you see fit . I wish you the very best of luck .

rrrrrreatt · 07/10/2025 09:40

Tell him you know. He’s rewriting the narrative to suit him and that’ll be much harder if he knows you see this for what it is, him hiding from the fact his sexuality played a role in the marriage breakdown.

Don’t out him to his children though or anyone else. You’ll confirm his narrative that you’re awful if you do as its his sexuality to disclose when he’s ready.

CommonAsMucklowe · 07/10/2025 11:34

50/50 end of. Sell up start again. He can sort his sorry arse out himself. And others have said... TELL HIM YOU KNOW 😂 😂