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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Just found out…

60 replies

NewLife4me72 · 05/10/2025 23:14

My husband of 20 years decided last November that he wanted to separate, out of blue for me but he says it’s been over for him for last 5 years but there have been no signs at all. I have just found out however that he has been going to a married gay man’s group for counselling. He’s been v difficult and really horrible and nasty with our separation/divorce and just wants me out of house and to walk away from everything and pay for all future expenses as I earn more and he has created an untrue narrative that I’ve been focused on work, he has done all the caring for the children ( which is totally untrue) and that I am difficult to live with etc. I haven’t told anyone about the possibility of him being gay and not raised it with him. I just don’t know what - if anything - I should do with this info, plus, I can’t really prove anything and he could just deny it. At this point I just want out, but he is painting me to be cause of all his woes, While all the time it appears that he has realised he’s gay and wants out of the marriage but won’t admit he is the cause. I don’t understand why he can’t just say that rather than trying to paint me as the reason he wants out of the marriage. I don’t think the children would react well to this information about him which is why I haven’t said anything. What would you do in my situation, I feel like I should just say nothing get on with the divorce and no doubt in time the truth will come out anyway , any advice or anyone else found them themselves in this situation?

OP posts:
cheapskatemum · 05/10/2025 23:19

Definitely seek a solicitor. What a horrible position to be in.

cleo333 · 05/10/2025 23:22

Stop protecting him and boundarie his abuse of you . You owe him nothing now

Dillydollydingdong · 05/10/2025 23:23

The information, if that's what it is, really isn't relevant. He wants out. There's no point attaching blame. The marriage has irretrievably broken down. End of story. Just tell him you aren't happy and you want a divorce.

Original poster
NewLife4me72 · 05/10/2025 23:23

cheapskatemum · 05/10/2025 23:19

Definitely seek a solicitor. What a horrible position to be in.

We have solicitors and have just done financial disclosures, so divorce is well progressed . This is new information that I’m not sure what to do with and afraid it will complicate things more. Just think maybe I should say nothing and get on with the divorce. With no fault divorce I don’t think m it will impact anything. But on his side it’s all my fault!

OP posts:
SixtyTwoPercent · 05/10/2025 23:30

You're so strong.
I don't think I'd be able to resist when he started on his fantasty narrative that I was the cause of all his unhappiness...

"Your misery was nothing to do with you being a gay man in a hetrosexual marriage then Derek?'

It's very unfair.
But I assume if he eventually starts dating a man, most people will realise there were other issues without it being made obvious.

Yellowshirt · 05/10/2025 23:31

It will make absolutely no difference to the divorce. My ex wife petitioned me after she had an affair, financial abuse and domestic abuse.

It was 100% lies but my own solicitor said no one cares. Just sign it and move on.

My mistake was not switching on early enough to make sure I got a fair financial settlement and she blind sided me. Just concentrate on getting the best deal for yourself and be thankful you have escaped.

cheapskatemum · 05/10/2025 23:51

@NewLife4me72, sorry, I didn’t realise that. As pp said, your new discovery is irrelevant, although I’m sure a big shock to you. Just rise above his mudslinging. Truth will out.

Soonenough · 05/10/2025 23:57

How old are your kids? Adults can handle that info. I would definitely bring it up in some way rather than let him say that you just grew apart. If he decides to stop talking about you negativily you might not be the one to break the news then . But financially etc. get everything you are entitled to .

ChickpeaCauliflowerSalad · 06/10/2025 00:00

SixtyTwoPercent · 05/10/2025 23:30

You're so strong.
I don't think I'd be able to resist when he started on his fantasty narrative that I was the cause of all his unhappiness...

"Your misery was nothing to do with you being a gay man in a hetrosexual marriage then Derek?'

It's very unfair.
But I assume if he eventually starts dating a man, most people will realise there were other issues without it being made obvious.

This!!

wanker, blaming you!

make sure you get the best financial settlement possible, don't jet him fleece you!

Okthenguys · 06/10/2025 00:11

As PP have said, this information won’t make a difference to the divorce which is already progressing. And that is the exact reason I would call him out on it, plus tell everyone with even a remote interest in why or how our marriage is ending.

BossingItBecky · 06/10/2025 00:17

I would ask him if he’s been sleeping with men and tell him you have a right to know if he’s put you at risk of sexual infection, I’d also get yourself tested.

Ponderingwindow · 06/10/2025 00:24

Ultimately it makes no difference.

are you still in the same home. If not, there really is no reason you should need to communicate with him beyond conversations about the children.

Original poster
NewLife4me72 · 06/10/2025 06:37

@Ponderingwindow Yes still in same house, so uncomfortable still being here and dealing with his passive aggressive behaviour, silences and knowing he hates me being here. Legal advice is not to move out. Children are 14, 16 and an 18 year old in Uni. I’m hoping we will have an agreement before Christmas. I think I’ll leave information in back pocket as all have said it won’t make any difference and will just confuse things. What is has given me is peace of mind, as now I know it’s definitely not all me as I thought I was going mad with some of the things he was saying to me, he was making me doubt myself and our lives for the last 20 years. I know now it’s all just a cover story for his guilt and so he gets the most out of this divorce just start his new life. The sad thing is if he knew me at all he would know I would support him 100% and we could’ve done this the easy way.

OP posts:
Pineconesandpetals · 06/10/2025 06:46

I’m sorry, that must be a very difficult situation to be in. Like you say, I’d do nothing with the information. I would however use it for myself, to minimise his ability to gaslight me into thinking everything is my fault?
I must say, his behaviour sounds very much like the (often discussed on here) “script”. If you replace him having and affair with him realising he is gay, the outcome is the same. He blames you, takes zero responsibility and rewrites history to justify his own behaviour. Totally unfair on you but sadly very common, At least you know now. I hope you get a resolution soon xx

campocaro · 06/10/2025 07:00

My heart reaches out to you. Such a revelation and his deeply unpleasant behaviour can really rock everything in your world and your sense of who you thought you were married to. This group really helped me. https://straightpartnersanonymous.com/

straight partners anonymous (SPA)

support group

https://straightpartnersanonymous.com/

Anonymous23456 · 06/10/2025 07:02

Him being gay won't make a blind bit of difference to your divorce proceedings. It's a no fault divorce so your no apportioning blame. I'd just continue with the divorce as is. The truth will out eventually and your kids are old enough to put two and two together.

If he continues to be an arsehole I would just ask him my he feels the need to be combative / argumentative and rewrite history at the end of the day you both want the same things, a decent man, and the kids to be happy.

Depending on what he's doing you could try to get a non molestation

EveningSpread · 06/10/2025 07:03

Dillydollydingdong · 05/10/2025 23:23

The information, if that's what it is, really isn't relevant. He wants out. There's no point attaching blame. The marriage has irretrievably broken down. End of story. Just tell him you aren't happy and you want a divorce.

Did you even read the OP? The information couldn’t be more relevant, because he is currently saying HE wants a divorce, but is blaming OP.

Anonymous23456 · 06/10/2025 07:03

Also, if you aren't already getting counselling or external support you really should access some.. getting a divorce is a massive life event.

EveningSpread · 06/10/2025 07:05

NewLife4me72 · 06/10/2025 06:37

@Ponderingwindow Yes still in same house, so uncomfortable still being here and dealing with his passive aggressive behaviour, silences and knowing he hates me being here. Legal advice is not to move out. Children are 14, 16 and an 18 year old in Uni. I’m hoping we will have an agreement before Christmas. I think I’ll leave information in back pocket as all have said it won’t make any difference and will just confuse things. What is has given me is peace of mind, as now I know it’s definitely not all me as I thought I was going mad with some of the things he was saying to me, he was making me doubt myself and our lives for the last 20 years. I know now it’s all just a cover story for his guilt and so he gets the most out of this divorce just start his new life. The sad thing is if he knew me at all he would know I would support him 100% and we could’ve done this the easy way.

You sound lovely OP and I’m sorry you’re going through this. It must be a shock but a relief to know everything he’s saying about how awful you are is just a smokescreen. When you’re a caring considerate person, it gets in your head when people accuse you of bad behaviour.

Definitely do not leave the house. And don’t let his shitty behaviour change your behaviour. You’re clearly capable of still acting like a decent human being even if he isn’t, and the more you do that now, the better you’ll feel later.

Lennonjingles · 06/10/2025 07:08

How did you find out he is going to a Gay support group.

MayaPinion · 06/10/2025 07:13

I split with my ex for the same reason though he at least admitted it and never blamed me for the break up of the marriage.

In your shoes I don’t think I’d be able to bite my tongue when he is denigrating you. I’d want to retaliate with something like, ‘Oh shut up Gerald. We all know this has nothing to do with me and everything to do with you being gay. Finally admitting it to yourself might make you a little less angry. You’re the one who wanted this, remember. If I was so awful you wouldn’t have stayed this long.’

Xmasangel1505 · 06/10/2025 07:27

I’m so sorry you’re going through this 😢 I was convinced my husband was having an affair with a Co worker. Was made to feel like I was going mad. I ended the marriage because whilst I didn’t have proof I couldn’t trust him. 2 weeks after separation, they’re together. I kept it from my kids (similar ages to yours) only to find out that he’d been playing happy families with them and told them not tell me, putting them in a horrendous position! The relief on their faces when they found out I knew they were together! I’ve not told them it started before the separation and I’ve known for a long time.

the issue I have now is, he’s spinning them a narrative. I’m the higher earner, I’ve kept the house, I don’t need to claim his pension and if I do it’d be a dick move on my part. According to him I’ve got everything. I wouldn’t trust your ex not to slip up eventually, kids get the read on the situation pretty quickly. I won’t bad mouth my ex and his new partner to my kids, yes it hurts, I would have been supportive of the relationship my kids are now having to navigate and the fact he isolated me from them in this way just proves we won’t be able to maintain an amicable relationship moving forward.

but I have come to the realisation that I don’t want any regrets either, I want to ensure stability for my kids futures so I will be going for what’s fair in the divorce and not what my ex deems as fair. My advice, get a good solicitor, remain pleasant, and ride it out. They soon turn from the person you were married to for 20 years to a complete and utter stranger who won’t show you the same common decency that you show them.

Pineconesandpetals · 06/10/2025 07:36

Xmasangel1505 · 06/10/2025 07:27

I’m so sorry you’re going through this 😢 I was convinced my husband was having an affair with a Co worker. Was made to feel like I was going mad. I ended the marriage because whilst I didn’t have proof I couldn’t trust him. 2 weeks after separation, they’re together. I kept it from my kids (similar ages to yours) only to find out that he’d been playing happy families with them and told them not tell me, putting them in a horrendous position! The relief on their faces when they found out I knew they were together! I’ve not told them it started before the separation and I’ve known for a long time.

the issue I have now is, he’s spinning them a narrative. I’m the higher earner, I’ve kept the house, I don’t need to claim his pension and if I do it’d be a dick move on my part. According to him I’ve got everything. I wouldn’t trust your ex not to slip up eventually, kids get the read on the situation pretty quickly. I won’t bad mouth my ex and his new partner to my kids, yes it hurts, I would have been supportive of the relationship my kids are now having to navigate and the fact he isolated me from them in this way just proves we won’t be able to maintain an amicable relationship moving forward.

but I have come to the realisation that I don’t want any regrets either, I want to ensure stability for my kids futures so I will be going for what’s fair in the divorce and not what my ex deems as fair. My advice, get a good solicitor, remain pleasant, and ride it out. They soon turn from the person you were married to for 20 years to a complete and utter stranger who won’t show you the same common decency that you show them.

Christ almighty, I often wonder where these men find the nerve? His behaviour is despicable. But no, actually, you haven’t “got everything”. You've shed about 14 stone of dead weight!! I hope you get this resolved soon and in your favour xx

DivorcingmyNDhusband · 06/10/2025 09:19

BossingItBecky · 06/10/2025 00:17

I would ask him if he’s been sleeping with men and tell him you have a right to know if he’s put you at risk of sexual infection, I’d also get yourself tested.

Edited

Yes - this is the most important part. You can refer to the group and ask him directly or through the solicitor if comms have broken down. But keep the kids out of it

Enrichetta · 06/10/2025 09:30

The sad thing is if he knew me at all he would know I would support him 100% and we could’ve done this the easy way.

as others have said, this new information is irrelevant to the divorce, so focus on the practicalities of getting this done.

However, I also wonder whether it might be worth talking to him, telling him that you understand his predicament - as his hostility and resentment may be borne out of fear of your reaction. If there is any chance of connecting as friends it may be worth the risk.