Husband is thinking of leaving me

[V26403]

So, 2 months ago my husband said he was worried about our marriage and that we were disconnected, he has a very busy job and travels sometimes, we have 2 children. He criticised things about my personality that I’ve worked on. I have worked so hard to get us to reconnect and then a couple of weeks ago he said he’s just not in love with me, he’s sleeping in a separate room and making no effort to connect with me emotionally or physically. Around the children we are putting on a united front. I feel so sad, I don’t want to split the family up for the sake of the children and how lovely he was, I feel totally blindsided! He said there’s no one else but that we’ve grown apart. At the moment, we’re seeing how things go but he’s making no effort to repair the marriage, as much as I still would like to save it, is it time to tell him to leave? I’ve not spoken with any family or friends about it as I guess I’ve been in complete denial as I never thought he would change like this, he seems like a complete stranger.

I’ve been so worried about what us splitting up will do to the children but actually surely they’ll be better off with me happier and stronger

Have a very thorough chat with him about the logistics and practicalities and finances. Point out that the home is the family home and he is responsible for not ruining his children's stability just because he's bored, so he must continue to pay for them to live in their home. Remind him too that childcare is time and energy consuming right up until they leave home and that traditionally one parent has lesser earnings and picks up the slack eg taking days off when the children are ill, or being around when they get home from school, and this impacts their career. In your case, this role is yours. So he must promise - in writing if necessary never to rewrite history and decide you are sponging off him by living in the family home while earning less than him. He has to respect there is a very good reason for that and it's called being the responsible live-in parent who didn't run off when life got a bit dull, but sacrificed earning power and her own fun and independence, to give his children that stability which they deserve, as they don't have the option of leaving when they get bored.

Point out you get bored too, and he isn't that shit hot a husband either but it never occurred to you to leave as that would be so disruptive for the children and you put them first. Ask if he has any intention of making a genuine effort to work through the issues - maybe in counselling or just between the two of you.

For now, I'd be inclined to agree to 'live as friends' just so you are not left coping alone and possibly short of money while feeling utterly distraught. Ensure he has precisely 50% of all responsibilities, including childcare at weekends. Go out on Saturday nights with mates, take courses to improve your earning power which take you away at weekends - just to ensure he understands he still has full parental responsibilities and can't just trundle off and play at being single again. Use this 'live as friends' bullshit as an opportunity to do some fun things for yourself. Show him two can play that selfish tosser game.

I despise men who do this. Despise them utterly.

Thank you! This is brilliant advice and all so true! Don’t we all get bored at times but absolutely, I did sacrifice my career when we had our first child and went back part time and in a less senior role and I have been the one to stick around whilst he’s been able to excel in his career and go wherever is required. And completely, the children do need to stay in their home so at least me and it are secure and consistent for them.

I saw my mum getting treated like dirt whilst growing up, womanising, threatening to leave,DV.
It's not on children experiencing this.
You haven't mentioned DV but as to the rest of it children have eyes and ears.
You will get loads of good advice as thread's such as yours are all too common on here.
Wishing you all the best.

There hasn’t been DV. He’s just completely cold towards me, disinterested and shows zero warmth or compassion anymore. You’re right, not the right type of relationship for our children to witness. Honestly, it’s like he’s become a complete stranger in the space of 2 months.

Why do you think you can tell him to leave his own house

I despise men who do this. Despise them utterly.

@cinaferna 🎯

These types of men really do have such an easy life all on their own terms don’t they? Continue with growing their careers when kid are young, persuade mom to not go to work for a good while so they don’t have to contribute to childcare out their own pocket but instead let mom run herself ragged with 24/7 childcare and also take the hit through her broken career/poorer pension prospects. Then if they meet someone who strokes their ego/younger model maybe they swan off into the sunset with their self esteem and freedom intact - ready to start all over with someone else. But before they go, criticise the mother of their children’s appearance often and gaslight them in the ‘preparations’ leading up to their departure as a means of validating their own pathetic selves and how they were ‘forced’ to leave.

I should add this has never happened to me but I’m aware of how frequently this happens and it’s just so heartbreaking as OP said to have done everything right amd worked so hard to protect your family unit for decades and then this nonsense slaps all your hard work in the face 😐.

@V26403 wishing you all the best OP. I hope you get the outcome you need.

@Everyonceinawhile do you think it’s reasonable for him to stay?!

All this "I'll tell him to leave".. it's his house too and it sounds like he's the breadwinner. The cheek of thinking he's going to have to leave 😂

Thank you @MoominMai it does feel like such a betrayal! Complete abandonment and all a horrible plan that’s dragged on for far too long. I just hope our children will be okay.

There’s a difference between reasonable and legal

you may want him to go (where?) and maybe he should, but legally you can’t force him and any decent laywer would tell him not to ( as they would you)

also you might want to stay in the home but there is no obligation for him to provide that or pay for it

perhaps consider getting some legal advice before you decide your next move

I agree with taking control and not just waiting for him to decide but do it with a sense of knowledge

I hope not but this sounds like the script. These men are so predictable.Selfish and ego driven.

I would recommend that you take a few days to work out how this might play out. What about finances? Do you have access to savings? What do you know about the finances? It's unfortunately common for men to decide to hide assets such as shares or other savings

Please also tell family as these men are brilliant at rewriting history and blaming you. You need the support to get you through this.

Remember he wants you to throw him out so he is the victim. I suspect OW was unhappy with the idea of a family holiday so he had to announce he didn't care of you anymore.

I'm sorry you are going through this. It isn't you, it's him - a weak selfish man.

I don’t think you can ask him to leave in the same way he couldn’t ask you…… a long discussion needs to be had

There’s someone else.

You leave him first. He wants to have whoever he’s got and stay at home because they likely aren’t at the moving in stage yet, so he needs somewhere to live.

Take back control.

You can’t. He has broken your trust and faith in bim. I think—though its hard to do—you just have to flip the script and refuse to sit around waiting for him to make his choice. He made it. He smashed the bowl and now is pretending to waffle that maybe if you do something magical and mysterious you can fix it.

Look up “the 180” IIRC its a way of getting out of this pick me trap

I will, I’ve never felt so powerless over the last two months and it’s completed chipped away at me and my confidence.

I’m sorry op. He’s such a sad cliche, literally trotting out the well worn script, as if he is unique 🤦‍♀️ Dickhead.
Personally, I’d bring it to a head, I wouldn’t wait around to see if things work out for him with his bit on the side.
Tell him you’ve accepted that he doesn’t love you and that is not how you want to live. You want to divorce. Lay out exactly how much this is going to cost him (he may be the main bread winner but with 2 DC a 50/50 split must be likely) and ask him, since this is all his decision, where he is planning to go and what days and times he is planning to have the children. How will you split Christmas, Birthdays, Holidays? How is he planning to fund all this? I utterly and absolutely guarantee he hasn’t thought any of that through. He is currently thinking with his “little” head.
I am a cynic but I think he probably gave you the “I don’t know if I love you” bollocks before your holiday because Miss Shiny New Side Piece was in his ear, moaning about him going away with you.
Is that the type of man you want to spend the rest of your life with? You and your children deserve far better than this.

Her husband might be a bit shocked if he rocks up with a suitcase and his toothbrush.

@V26403 do not ask him to leave tomorrow. Say nothing about this.

Instead, book a solicitor appointment for this week, get your 'ducks in a row', take all financials to the appointment, then go from there.

Do not let on anything to DH, until you have a clear plan in place.

Thank you @Pineconesandpetals! that will be why he said that before we went on holiday, such a low blow! It literally broke my heart and then I spent the whole two weeks trying to make him happy

Whether there is someone else or not, it’s clear he has checked out and is just waiting for you to call it so he doesnt have to feel like the bad guy who walked out on his family.

Sorry you are going through this.

I think it's wise to keep your mouth shut until you've sought advice and copied any relevant paperwork. My friends husband left. She worked full time. One day was sent home because she was so upset. Saw his car outside the house. Walked in to find him and another woman in the office ransacking the filing cabinet for necessary paperwork to remove.

Well stop that right now. Because you are not the spineless selfish tosser in this situation. So give yourself a huge dose of self compassion and self respect and decide that your confidence will never again be dependent on such shitty, despicable behaviour.

Start to really look after yourself - and your DC. Get some really good clothes and shoes for them and for you using joint accounts - buy a few sizes up for them too, to stockpile incase he becomes mean with money. Get a good haircut and go out the same night you have it cut so he doesn't think it's to try and win him over. Play the lamentable little tosser at his own game.

This could’ve been written by someone from my family who just been through exactly the same scenario and conversation, the only difference is that it was her who left him…
She also said there was no one, pointed on some issues on which he (apparently) worked on but that wasn’t enough and after some time she said she is not in love with him. She emotionally checked out… Month after he moved out we are finding out about new guy, very far away from where she lives (she also travels for work !).

Sorry to hear about your situation, it feels shit now but it will get better x

He is a vile turd, but his behaviour is literally nothing to do with you. I’ve seen this shite, a million times. They go from loving husband, to ice cold arsehole, in the blink of an eye. Death by a thousand cuts for you, for which I am truly sorry. But, you have the measure of him now! Agree with PP, get your ducks in a row, get legal advice and “don’t get mad. Get everything”. 😈
I know it feels breathtakingly, unutterably awful for you now, but you will survive this and you will do it with your dignity and integrity intact, which is more than he can say. Good luck xx