SAHM divorce out of the blue advice

[Whatwudyoudo1]

Hi,
I will keep this brief as don't want anything too identifying.
DH has informed me he wants a divorce, he has already spoken to a solicitor and is still in the family home but barely speaking to me.
He is making plans apparently but has yet to tell me what those plans are.
I am a SAHM. 3 children under 5.
House is mortgaged, in both our names, not a huge amount of equity in it.
I've suggested counselling, but he has refused. He seems to hate and resent me. He has nowhere to go and although he is a high earner wouldn't be able to afford to support me and himself separately.
I am currently studying and due to savings I wouldn't be eligible for any benefits or help with childcare etc.
What should my next steps be? I have a free call with a legal advisor next week, but should I be looking for a solicitor? I don't know what to do or who to talk to or how much I can tell him, I'm so used to only really sharing everything with him.
I want to stay in our home and would buy him out if that's an option, but would the lender allow me to stay here if I'm not working?
I am so worried for our children who adore him and who he is a great dad to.
I know in a few years I'll be able to support them and will give them everything they might have missed out on, but just right now things are so hard and I need him here, I can't believe he is doing this.
Any advice on what I should do please x

Op your last post reads like the family member is reneging on the cash gift - is that correct?

I’m so sorry you are going through this! You massively need to harden heart. Find your anger! How can he do this to you and 3 young children when you have bender over backwards trying to find solutions. There’ll be another woman. Every penny he gets out of this divorce will go on starting his new life with her. You need to focus on getting every penny for your children. Don’t stress now as all these things take time. But when you speak with solicitor don’t start trying to be fair to him - be fair to your children. See if you can get him to move out. I wouldn’t want him there personally as this coldness from him must be eating away at your self esteem. You are lovable and you will be happy again when all this is over.

Put the money you have received into a separate bank called ‘inheritance.

DO NOT pay off any of the mortgages with this money. Use it to buy him out later.

You need legal advice, don’t assume that he won’t be entitled to half the money you were gifted.

You need the best legal advice available. if you have friends who have gone through this then a personal recommendation is best. I believe you should be able to ask for the costs of legal advice to be covered from joint assets. The other big thing to deal with is the emotional and do not underestimate this at all.

Your pension is unlikely to be equal to his - put it all on the table
Your potential income is unlikely to be anywhere near his - get evidence of his that you are entitled to - so if paid into a joint account or declared for mortgage etc

The starting point for financial order is 50/50 and then they look at needs, future income etc

If its beneficial to stay in school and finish this year/next year and that was the plan spusal maintenance in the short term could be a possibility

Remember any investments like shares or prem bonds or sep savings accounts

He WILL hide money so go for your share of what can be seen

As others have advised - get your relative to write a letter setting out the terms of the loan and get the money back to them asap. Make sure it was a loan for a specific purpose and its clear

Benefits folks look back over a few years for deprivation of assets these days

YOu have made sacrifices that scuper your working - rural living, giving up work etc etc but he has in terms of you being in school etc.

Don't be doing everything around him - make sure you get yourself out in the evening and he does bedtime and childcare so you can go talk things over with friends, visit parents, sort your issues out

I would say stay in the house but if its too rural thoughts need to be given to where might be best for you - have a look for housing. If there isn't much equity this is going to be difficult - but check out shared ownership style housing, which while you have to be careful about which management company you go with can be a godsend if you need 3 or 4 bedrooms and single person - you pay rent on the part you don't own but it is significantly less than market rents at the moment

Practically start thinking about what you will need over the next 6 months clothes wise for the kids - school uniform??, even things like toys - sort them and keep back good condition toys and clothes for sale later.

Start deciding what you are wanting to take with you to provide for the children. I might also think about a small storage unit to keep things like paperwork safe and away from the home if things get nasty - kis passports and BC and yours. Any legal paperwork and also any valuables etc

Think about the car situation - you will need a family car and don't need to be scratting around with 2 bit cars. BUT bear in mind this is viewed as an asset for benefits purposes and the value will be counted towards your savings limit.

All in all whilst UC can be helpful if you have a reasonable amount of assets its useless and you need to keep your options open - if you can get any assets into a accommodation for you and the kids then it doesn't count on your savings total. I would suggest being in a town, near enough to schools to walk, near to shops etc that you don't need a car for now.

Is school on line or OU or ??

Investigate possibility of child minder type care as you will find he won't want to have the kids except at weekends as it "interferes" with work

ALl of this is worst case but that is what you must prepare for, if it turns out better you can be pleased

She's been asked by the person who gave the money to return it because she can no longer use it for the purpose it was intended for. I imagine this changes things a lot.

This manoeuvre could end up being risky for the OP. She will have to disclose bank accounts and the movement of a large sum which he knows about will raise questions. If he already has evidence that this was a gift not a loan then she runs the danger of looking dishonest.

It also allows him to do similar things. A judge is not going to deal with the headache of listening to the pair of them lying about any of this. But it undermines any request for a mesher order and it is completely traceable.

It is a bad faith move and it is most likely to give him justification to behave in bad faith.

Just to add. The money you got wasn't a gift but a 'loan'. And you have a piece of paper from said family member staying its a loan only given for x thing and needs to be paid back if not used for exact thing
I'd be very careful with this. It sounds like your ex knew much about this money and that it wasn't indeed a gift. Are there any emails or anything traceable?

However much a judge might sympathise with your situation, they might not be able to ignore the fact that you got a gift during your marriage and that the only reason it was returned was because of the divorce. Turning this into a loan or falsifying documents could very easily go against you.

Also, its not just the years of marriage that is taken into to account but also how long you lived together. Either way, 7 years shouldn't be considered a short marriage.

If it were the other way round and the H ‘gave back’ gifted money, MN would be outraged.
Yes the judge will not be impressed by this.
Unfortunately if the H plays hardball it could be a long haul and the outcome may not necessarily seem ‘fair’ to you.
My exh dug his heels in -divorced before the financial settlement was finalized -yes they can do this, and I had to take court proceedings which ended up costing us each about £100k in layers fees -luckily it didn’t go to final hearing which could have been another 50k each. I think he assumed he could out-lawyer me as he didn’t know about some of my assets that I was able to monetize to pay the legal fees.
(luckily he had at one point made me main shareholder of one of his companies which gave me a lever /otherwise I think he would have dragged me to final hearing.)
In our case our DC were over 18 do at least no child custody issues which can obviously cost more £££.

I wish folk on MN would see the utter folly of relying on a partner financially to this extent

Nonsense.

If it were the other way round and the H ‘gave back’ gifted money, MN would be outraged

Not if the mother was walking out on 3 young kids.

there Isn’t anything to suggest he is walking out on the kids. That’s a really destructive message to send to children. They are splitting up but he can still be a father and contribute to their lives. ATM he does that by working and using all his money to pay for a roof over their head. Which apparently is not a good use of the OPs money.

like it or not this man has gone behind the op's back and already has seen a lawyer. he is most likely at this point many steps ahead of her in securing his long term financial interests.

there Isn’t anything to suggest he is walking out on the kids. That’s a really destructive message to send to children

It's the message he's sending.

I made a family with your mum and now I'm breaking it up.

Load and clear.

Hi everyone thank you for all your advice and support.
A lot has happened but also nothing at all if that makes sense.
Despite what he is doing, and I really am angry infact furious about it, he is an amazing father and sadly its our relationship which is the downfall in this which I do take some of the blame for. I've been naive expecting that he felt the same that a relationship can have these ups and downs especially at this stage while the children are so young. So shocked he thinks it is ok to make plans to leave (but not actually leave) at this stage where im so vulnerable. In fact in the process of trying to better myself once all the children are at school so I could start contributing financially to our family again. So its a shock, but I do believe he will want to support the children which hopefully includes supporting me (i mean whether he wants to or not, just makes it easier but I know I will be entitled to his support for a few years at least until I can support myself).
I am studying part time with OU so no maintenance loan or anything, I am waiting to see this month if he stays in the home or leaves and if he still pays the same into the joint account at the end of the month to cover everything.
There are no assets, im not sure what he'd have to hide, I have managed everything financial, all he does is work and put salary into the joint account, he doesn't keep much back for himself, he doesn't have any investments or savings as hes not that way minded
Have found a very good local solicitor so will take their advice. Have transferred just a quarter of the gift money back that my family member needed returned for some home renovations. I will keep the rest as some is in children's savings and will ask for it to be ring fenced if it gets to that or use it to buy him out.
Not made any applications for anything yet as im still pushing him to reconcile and go to counselling with me. If anything this would give us a chance to try and communicate better, i now know what he is capable of so best case if he agrees we could improve our relationship for the better, worst case it buys me time to sort out my bank accounts and look into protecting myself better. I know some will have opinions on me being open to reconcile but he is a difficult character in some ways and I'd prefer to be in a better position financially if it comes to this.