SAHM divorce out of the blue advice

[Whatwudyoudo1]

Hi,
I will keep this brief as don't want anything too identifying.
DH has informed me he wants a divorce, he has already spoken to a solicitor and is still in the family home but barely speaking to me.
He is making plans apparently but has yet to tell me what those plans are.
I am a SAHM. 3 children under 5.
House is mortgaged, in both our names, not a huge amount of equity in it.
I've suggested counselling, but he has refused. He seems to hate and resent me. He has nowhere to go and although he is a high earner wouldn't be able to afford to support me and himself separately.
I am currently studying and due to savings I wouldn't be eligible for any benefits or help with childcare etc.
What should my next steps be? I have a free call with a legal advisor next week, but should I be looking for a solicitor? I don't know what to do or who to talk to or how much I can tell him, I'm so used to only really sharing everything with him.
I want to stay in our home and would buy him out if that's an option, but would the lender allow me to stay here if I'm not working?
I am so worried for our children who adore him and who he is a great dad to.
I know in a few years I'll be able to support them and will give them everything they might have missed out on, but just right now things are so hard and I need him here, I can't believe he is doing this.
Any advice on what I should do please x

@Whatwudyoudo1 You will be okay, change is scary but life will settle into a new pattern.
Good news on returning the savings.

No one wants to hear this. I didn’t and it’s a year since my divorce finalised and two years since kick off.

As hard and impossible as it seems your grieving for your marriage takes a second priority because right now this is about setting yourself up for surviving and preparing for what is going to come. You are no longer a team be is no longer on your side. You may choose to not believe me but trust me if it wasn’t so you’d not be divorcing. In all games of strategy and out manouvering it boils down to thinking logically and clearly and that you have to be proactive now immediately rather than a wait and see approach.
A Wait and see approach is for counselling and working on your marriage partnership. This is your self preservation and future. You have not been married long but you have young children, the reality is you need to check everything out as your worst case scenario vs best case scenario.

until you have that conversation as painful as it is with yourself he’s going to be one step ahead of you. I am so sorry but I do hope you seek counsel asap and even if you decide to do things yourself or seek other help- act now because I can guarantee he has already- Good Luck

Your marriage could be seen as quite short so he may possibly not have a claim on your gift - especially as he started divorce proceedings soon after you got it. I had a similar situation but he got half of the money as it was seen as marital assets. If you have savings I strongly recommend having multiple sessions with a good lawyer and not relying on one free session. You need more advice than that will give you.

The most useful thing I was told was weirdly’he us no longer your best friend’. This is devastatingly horrible but just remember it on the days you actually can chat and get on because they were the days I’d say something that ended up being used against me (we are not split yet but nearly there).

The other thing that helped (you’ll see I’ve no really helpful advice in terms of money stuff so sorry), was crying it out away from children (lied to kids and told them had hayfever, best concealer is Nars concealer, I consider it a necessity even though it’s expensive), telling friends, getting back to me by listening to music, reading, going to visit an art gallery, lots of home pampering (long showers, painting nails etc), watching things like motherland and Gilmore girls and rom coms there I laughed and cried. The biggest hugs op, I wonder where this is coming from, he’s an idiot

You need your own solicitor and fast. Your husband will now be your enemy financially and is undoubtedly hiding money away.

I really think you need to consider a more affordable location, as long term rural may be difficult with school runs and employment.

Ask your social media groups for family law solicitor recommendations.

Long discussions with your support network are needed. When help is offered use it.

I have no advice on childcare I'm afraid, I didn't even know it was means tested.

Hi OP, sorry you're going through this. Just wanted to add that tax free childcare and free hours are available where nobody in the household earns over 100k (net adjusted income), so once you've split you should be eligible. I use it myself currently so these are the latest rules.

Don’t forget your share of his pensions 👍🏼

Just to add. The money you got wasn't a gift but a 'loan'. And you have a piece of paper from said family member staying its a loan only given for x thing and needs to be paid back if not used for exact thing.

So that your not hiding money by giving back a gift. Just a quick thought for you op. Good luck

Oh give over! She's got 3 kids under the age of 5 and is studying.

What a pitiful excuse of a man to walk out on his young family.

Also don't rush back to work just yet OP, you have a legitimate reason i.e. 2 under 2 who need caring for and this should be reflected in legal proceedings when looking at fiancial suppport. Get advice from a good local solicitor who can look into the detail and give you sound advice. You'll need to work at some point of course just consider if this is after the financial orders are in place after divorce.

I have joined just to reply to you OP.

My ‘DH’ left me with a young baby and a toddler.

First thing you need to do is claim UC
as you are now a separate household to your husband as he’s left you.

You do not need a job right now (you already have the hardest job you’ll ever do) and you will not be expected to look for work until your youngest turns 3 so do not listen to previous posters.

He has picked a very stupid time to leave you and the courts will want to see you and the kids housed as their number 1 priority. It will not be 50:50 and the length of the marriage is irrelevant. You will get more as the primary carer.

You need to know exactly what he has got in terms of assets and if you have to do some detective work then do this but do not tell a solicitor where you stumbled across this information.

I represented myself and got enough money (because we had the equity) to buy a house outright with no mortgage and I am eternally grateful for this.

Make a CM claim immediately. He doesn’t legally owe you any money for the kids until you’ve done this.

You have one chance to secure your future for you and the kids and you need to take it. You have to fight and do not be tricked into ‘being fair’. There is nothing fair about the situation he’s left you in.

Lastly, you will be OK. It is extremely difficult at this point and I had to see my GP for medication and counselling. I also had help from a DA charity as he was verbally abusive.

Now I am actually happy and love our new home, life is so so much easier without him around and he has the kids so I get a break.

I also wonder what I ever saw in him. A man that is capable of abandoning a woman with very young children is disgusting.

Good Luck OP.

If you're studying you're not a SAHM, you're a student. Your education institution may be able to give you advice on help with childcare costs etc.

Definitely get a solicitor.

I'm willing to bet he changes his tune when he realises he's not escaping with half of your cash. But you've seen his true colours now OP, he was willing to abandon his whole family at the thought of stealing his wife's money.

You need to ask yoyr solicitor if he is entitled to half of your gifted money.

1. Savings start to affect UC at 6k NOT 16. That’s old rules. You cannot pay it all towards your mortgage to give yourself eligibility, that’s seen as disposing of savings to benefit from benefits.
2. Your angle is that he found out about the savings and initiated divorce. No judge is going to be impressed with that behaviour especially given the 3 under 5
3. Do everything to can to find a token job. Even 2hrs at night WFH. Do you have any friends who might “need some work done” temporarily. Judge will look favourable on you trying to support yourself even if it’s just pin money
4. He is NOT YOUR FRIEND. You’re living with your enemy. Do not leave iPads, letters, laptops where he can access them. Go grey rock. Do not discuss the divorce or finances with him.
5. Cherchez la femme. There will be one.

Op what does he earn? What’s your earning potential once full time working
what assets are there ( inc your pension)
understanding those are key

most likely this will be a needs case and you have high needs/ but money can’t be magiced out of thin air. He will also have housing needs to accommodate him and his children too.

go and get some advice and also read up online both about the process and factors considered for a split

I wish folk on MN would see the utter folly of relying on a partner financially to this extent. That there whole life totally falls apart when the partner leaves. However, it is what it is. So the only thing to do is to get a good solicitor and take it from there.

Don't forget to claim child maintenance. If he's a high earner this could be quite a significant income. I'm not sure but I think mortgage lenders would include it as income when assessing affordability.

I don't think that's fair. They are married and they have small children. Seems like some people on Mumsnet just can't cope with anyone not having a job. There's nothing wrong with being supported by your HUSBAND when you're taking care of tiny children. He's in the wrong here, not the OP.

Him being cold and aggressive, demanding a divorce out of the blue and rejecting counselling with 3 children under 5 makes it very, very likeable that he's met someone else. He's a vile piece of shit and please beware; he's now an enemy and treat him as such. I am so sorry for you. Things will be hard but they will get better. xx

Also OP as soon as you are on UC apply for a 2 year old funding code and find a nursery for your 2 year old. You’ll be entitled to 15 hours a week of free childcare.

Did all his salary go into the joint account? Does he have separate money?

No legal advice sorry but what I do regret in my own divorce is trying to be so understanding of my now ex when he clearly had no regard for my wellbeing. Look after yourself as much as you can throughout all of this and I mean that in all areas, health, financial, emotional. Reach out to your support network, keep a diary and make sure you think about what boundaries would feel ok for you between you and your husband right now and stick to them.
best of luck, it feels crushing when it’s out of the blue and you have children, I’m so sorry xx
ive been divorced 10 year now, both of mine were very young when we split and while I was chatting with my son this week he said he doesn’t know why people talk about parents getting divorced as so bad. So I think as hard as it feels now there might be some benefit in the kids being so young and easier to adjust, I know none of it is ideal!
Take care x

Just keep reminding yourself what a nasty thing he is doing every time you have an urge to be fair. You want to get and need to get as much as possible for you and the children, he is now the enemy, buckle up it may be a rough ride.

Hmmmm. I’d suggest mediation, unless you are vastly wealthy, it would be a shame to waste savings on solicitors fees (divorces are very expensive and can be lengthy, depending on complexity of pensions/other assets). Can you afford to buy him out of the property? If so , have the house valued. Should you agree to share custody 50/50 with him, I don’t think he would owe you CMS. Also the family courts will expect you to maximise your earnings, so you will need to find a job. You will definitely want to go after his pension as this would reduce any money he is owed from the equity of the home, thus reducing the amount you would buy him out of the house for. However, you won’t be able to keep the house without income (unless you can buy it outright).