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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

SAHM divorce out of the blue advice

65 replies

Whatwudyoudo1 · 10/08/2025 20:48

Hi,
I will keep this brief as don't want anything too identifying.
DH has informed me he wants a divorce, he has already spoken to a solicitor and is still in the family home but barely speaking to me.
He is making plans apparently but has yet to tell me what those plans are.
I am a SAHM. 3 children under 5.
House is mortgaged, in both our names, not a huge amount of equity in it.
I've suggested counselling, but he has refused. He seems to hate and resent me. He has nowhere to go and although he is a high earner wouldn't be able to afford to support me and himself separately.
I am currently studying and due to savings I wouldn't be eligible for any benefits or help with childcare etc.
What should my next steps be? I have a free call with a legal advisor next week, but should I be looking for a solicitor? I don't know what to do or who to talk to or how much I can tell him, I'm so used to only really sharing everything with him.
I want to stay in our home and would buy him out if that's an option, but would the lender allow me to stay here if I'm not working?
I am so worried for our children who adore him and who he is a great dad to.
I know in a few years I'll be able to support them and will give them everything they might have missed out on, but just right now things are so hard and I need him here, I can't believe he is doing this.
Any advice on what I should do please x

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 10/08/2025 20:56

Definitely get a solicitor. Do you have access to money? Proper advice is worth every penny.

strawberrysea · 10/08/2025 20:57

So sorry you’re going through this. How will you buy him out if you’re unemployed? Do you have enough savings and is he willing to move out?

Okthenguys · 10/08/2025 20:57

You definitely need a solicitor ASAP. While it’s a shock to you, he has clearly been planning and him not telling you the plan means whatever it is will absolutely not be fair or favorable to you. Immediately stop seeing him as a partner and recognize he is not on your side anymore. He will not look out for your interests or protect you. You need to start looking out for yourself. Make sure you retain access to joint accounts and get all important documents together somewhere safe. Tell someone (parents?) so it starts feeling real and you have support. Even as you process the emotional fallout you need to focus on practical and administrative matters to protect yourself and your kids. I’m so sorry.

BreakingBroken · 10/08/2025 21:12

best to be prepared for downsizing to a smaller home which would be more affordable long term (both cost and upkeep).
how long were you married will affect how much of his pensions may be offered to you.
i hope you have good family support as for the first few years you may need to rely on them for help.
your husband having seen a lawyer is at this point better prepared and most likely has secured assets in such a way that you will not benefit.
time to park any emotions and become very analytical.
you will be expected to return to work relatively soon.

Dstoat · 10/08/2025 21:14

Brace yourself for the other woman…what a twat. He’s not a brilliant father to do this to their mother. You need more than free advice OP.

MellowPinkDeer · 10/08/2025 21:25

The next step is to get a job OP. Sorry. But that’s life. You’ll have to move to a house you can afford and budget accordingly but you can’t seriously expect to continue to be a SAHM.

Shadesofscarlett · 10/08/2025 21:27

Yes, you need a shit hot lawyer, a job and an STI test. And he needs to leave.

Original poster
Whatwudyoudo1 · 10/08/2025 21:33

@AnneLovesGilbert Yes i have some personal savings which were gifted to me about 4 weeks ago. I wish I hadnt told him about them now as i think this may be part of why he wants to rush things through. But yes I can afford legal advice, so I will start looking into that.
@strawberrysea I do have savings and could potentially buy him out but I feel very annoyed about it as that money would support me and the kids and it is a large mortgage to take responsibility for myself with limited earning capability so I'd rather have the money for me and the kids but understand that might not be possible. I think he does want to move out but no inidcation to where yet...
@Okthenguys Thank you for your advice, I have hidden the kids passports although not sure why ive done that, he's taken the marriage certificate, he doesnt have any paperwork, I've been through all of his stuff today and found nothing, so must be all online and I don't have access. I still have the joint accounts access and I've mainly managed and controllled everything apart from the salary going in. I have told my mum and a few friends this evening, so waiting for their replies and advice.
Do you have any idea where I would find a good solicitor? What other documents should I try and find or have in place?
@BreakingBroken Thank you, I don;t know if I could downsize, even if I took all the equity and savings which would be unlikely, i still couldnt afford a home here near my childs school and family, and I wouldnt be able to get a mortgage. We have pets too so not sure if I could rent, renting here is about the same cost as a mortgage anyway.. I am happy to work but it's not possible at the moment, 2 of my children are under 2, we can't afford nursery and no funding and I don't have a 'career' as such, plus I'm studying, hoping to be able to get a much better job when Ive finished but thats 4/5 years away :(
@Dstoat Yes I've wondered about another woman, he denies it but honestly he's so good at keeping his and my life separate and has always been that way, I would never find out even if there was someone else.
@MellowPinkDeer I am happy to work, I don;t expect to be a SAHM, but we live rurally and moved here when my youngest was born, there aren't a huge amount of jobs here and I'm doing a degree with 2 under 2 and 1 at school so it's going to be very hard for me to find something that can work around the children as I;m not eligible for any childcare funding either, but can't afford to pay for childcare, and any job I get would just go on the childcare and leave me with nothing else...

OP posts:
BreakingBroken · 10/08/2025 21:47

i don't want to be overly negative.
it will be expected that you return to work asap, unlikely any leeway on this. your current plans might not be realistic to what your new financial reality will be.
worse case scenario you will be getting child support for 3 children based on his declared earnings and how often he has them sleep over at his home and you can look and see if you eligible for some government top up. however if you have savings you may have to deplete that prior to getting some of the options.
prepare for the worse would be my suggestion.
sale of the home, zero assistance from him for a couple of years, just enough income to make do week by week. saving depleted.
how long have you been married?

Mycarsmellsoflavender · 10/08/2025 21:56

Do you have savings of over £16k? Because that is the limit for claiming benefits, and I would be very surprised if you had those sorts of savings alongside a mortgage unless you fixed your mortgage some time ago at a very low interest rate. If your savings are below £16k, you should be eligible for universal credit once he moves out which you can claim as a single person and for your children.
You need a family solicitor. Sometimes they offer a free 30 minute consultation so that might be an option to start with. Also, some financial institutions will offer a free financial healthcheck which might be something to think about once the dust has settled.

Original poster
Whatwudyoudo1 · 10/08/2025 21:59

@BreakingBroken Thank you it's ok its all very negative in my head and worst case scenario is where I need to be thinking I guess.
We have been married for 7 years.
I am confident with living on a budget, no issues with reducing my quality of life and getting by on the bare minimum, and no issues with working and supporting myself but feel very overwhelmed about having 3 small children relying on me alone.
I had thought I could possibly pay off a chunk of the mortgage with the savings, that would be reducing debt so could then open up to some government support with childcare and help me to start bringing my own money in
@Mycarsmellsoflavender yes I have been gifted some family money a significant amount very recently, which my DH has already 'demanded' during a row that he take half of, which makes things more difficult as the money was for something very specific but I now think I need to be very careful of what I spend it on as could be seen to be spending it to avoid him having any of it

OP posts:
BreakingBroken · 10/08/2025 22:02

7 years would not be considered a long marriage and might affect how much of his pension you will have access to.
discuss with a lawyer asap the sum gifted to you especially if it was for a specific purpose. there may be a chance he will not have access to it.

Original poster
Whatwudyoudo1 · 10/08/2025 22:22

@BreakingBroken I have just found a local solicitor who specialises in family law and has all the relevant accreditations, so will call her next week to arrange a consultation.
It has only been 2 years that I've not paid into my own pension so I wouldn't expect to have any of his. Genuinely I'd like us to come to a fair agreement that supports both of us and the children, so that we can hopefully have a decent co-parenting relationship and both be able to offer the children a good standard of living. But I'm aware that is unlikely and the way he has behaved so far has shocked me as assumed we'd always want the same things, especially when I am so much more financially vulnerable than him at the moment.

OP posts:
BreakingBroken · 10/08/2025 22:24

call tomorrow, waiting can be very costly as your husband has had such a head start.

Original poster
Whatwudyoudo1 · 10/08/2025 22:25

@BreakingBroken I will try.. I just have my children with me all day, and he is also at home during the day, so difficult to find a moment to make the call. I might ask if my mum can come over and sit with the kids for half an hour so I can pop out and do that

OP posts:
DarkForces · 10/08/2025 22:28

Would it make more sense to move to somewhere that will give you more employment opportunities? I know it'd be a wrench, but in the future you'll want to maximise your income and it might be good to have fresh start and hopefully reduce your outgoings. Maybe look for a newer house with solar panels that's super efficient to heat? Glad you're getting proper legal advice but don't be fixed on bricks and mortar. Focus on getting yourself into the best position you can.

Londonmummy66 · 10/08/2025 22:34

Forensic accountant to go through his Form E with a fine toothcomb - can guarantee he has hidden assets. Gifted money into an account in your name and keep it ringfenced from any joint stuff.

AndSoFinally · 10/08/2025 22:42

Could you give the gift money back temporarily? If asked, say the gift came with strings and you weren't comfortable accepting it

You can be regifted it later once the divorce is finalised

You can start claiming UC as soon as you are officially separated, you don't have to wait for him to leave. Get the ball rolling now as it takes a while

Start looking for a job, ideally one that fits around your studies and start asking around family if there's any chance they can offer any child care

Sit him down and work out the child arrangements. Which days is he going to do? Don't let him cherry pick around his job, he is responsible for arranging child care on his days

FrangipaniBlue · 10/08/2025 23:10

I’d be inclined to temporarily give the money back and ask the donor to confirm it was always intended as a loan for X but when they found out DH was divorcing you they demanded it back as they were worried he would take half…….

Searchingforananswer2023 · 10/08/2025 23:18

Whatwudyoudo1 · 10/08/2025 22:22

@BreakingBroken I have just found a local solicitor who specialises in family law and has all the relevant accreditations, so will call her next week to arrange a consultation.
It has only been 2 years that I've not paid into my own pension so I wouldn't expect to have any of his. Genuinely I'd like us to come to a fair agreement that supports both of us and the children, so that we can hopefully have a decent co-parenting relationship and both be able to offer the children a good standard of living. But I'm aware that is unlikely and the way he has behaved so far has shocked me as assumed we'd always want the same things, especially when I am so much more financially vulnerable than him at the moment.

You are being very naive here OP. He's ready to hang you out to dry and you want something that benefits you both. He clearly doesn't. Give the money you've been given back ASAP to safeguard your future. You are entitled to half of his assets including the pension. Toughen up, you are living with a man who has been to a solicitor behind your back. He has clearly thought of no one else but himself .

millymollymoomoo · 10/08/2025 23:27

op is not automatically entitled to half his assets

she’s entitled to a fair share. That isn’t always half, could be more could be less

It will depend on what assets there are and what his earnings are

most divorces are based on need and op has strong case. Unless there’s high wealth op doesn’t need to waste unnecessary money on shl and forensic accountants. It’s most likely house, pension and then earnings

it’s perfectly possible to agree and compromise and get to an agreed position without lasting acrimony. And op has young children who requires years of co parenting / coming out if this with at least civil is good

it’s very very early days

Original poster
Whatwudyoudo1 · 11/08/2025 07:01

Thank you all for replies. Lots to think about but im with the children now for the day so will reply properly this evening x

OP posts:
Pinkissmart · 11/08/2025 11:11

Sorry if I missed it, but if you are studying, are you getting a maintenance loan? You can also get some additional childcare funds too.

LemonTT · 11/08/2025 12:07

At this stage you aren’t doing parenting all on your own and in the future you don’t know how much or how little your ex will want to do. It is going to be better for you if he increases his parenting. Whether he wants to do that at the expense of his career is a decision he should make.

Whilst divorce laws in the England do provide well for low earning spouses they can’t magic money out of thin air. That means you either make hard choices or have them imposed on you.

I am sympathetic to your situation and realise this is emotionally a hard time and that you are feeling very scared about the future. However you do have choices.

If you have some money to pay towards owning a home use it for that purpose. It is an overwhelmingly benefit to you and your children.

You state that you have just moved to a rural location that makes job hunting and childcare / school choices problematic. Then it is the perfect opportunity to relocate whilst you don’t have ties and your children aren’t in school.

The choice to continue studying or return to work sooner rather than later is up to you. Whether a degree will result in long term benefit for your children depends on what it is and whether living rurally with limited childcare accommodates a well paid career.

As it stands you want to be a SAHP, you want to get a degree, you want to buy a house in a rural location and you don’t want to use your savings to fund any of this. Which is all totally fine if your ex is earning c200k per year. But you state he can’t afford to move out.

Original poster
Whatwudyoudo1 · 12/08/2025 06:15

Apologies for no reply. Its all been pretty awful here, I feel like someone is sitting on my chest and cant spend any time thinking or feeling as im with the children for 13 hours a day. I have a call for free advice this week and a fixed fee with solicitor at the end of the month, ive started to transfer the gift money back, my family member has actually demanded that I do that as wont be using it for what it was intended now. Mainly feeling very unlovable and absolutely terrified for the children and how theyre going to cope and grow up with all this. Will update here as things progrsss. Thanks for all support and advice it means a lot

OP posts: