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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Cheating H - What would you do with custody?

35 replies

EmmaThompsonsTears · 30/07/2025 17:57

I recently found out that my husband is an irredeemable doofus. (See this thread for context: www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5346362-dh-affair-how-do-i-cope-with-family-holiday )

As a result, I’m on the second week of trialling a new childcare arrangement ahead of divorce (we’ve already filed but need to reach an agreement)

Kids are 20m and 4. The very recent current arrangement is he has them Tuesday and Wednesday nights every week (these are my office days and my commute is 1.5h) and Friday and Saturday night every other weekend. This works out at about 53:47 in my favour, and I have 8 nights in 14.

I’m now having doubts about whether this is the right call. I think the eldest will be ok with this arrangement eventually, but the youngest has become very clingy as she’s so little. Having done research, it looks like 50/50 (or close to it) isn’t recommended by psychologists for kids under 2, and they need a stable home base with a primary parent to feel secure. However, you can also find evidence to support the opposite, so I have no idea what’s true!

I also miss the kids so much on the weeknights, and fundamentally: it wasn’t me who gambled my time with them, it was him.

I’m thinking about asking to reduce his time so he gets 1 midweek night instead of 2 (and keeps 2 nights EOW). However, it will definitely be harder to make it work with my commute. I’ll be able to make it to nursery/school pick up in time, but it will be stressful - and if I’m stressed and burned out, does that negate some of the benefits of the kids having a stable home base?

The other factor is that STBEx was emotionally abusive to cover his tracks, and continues to be cold and distant with me. I’m scared that in time, he’ll be like that with the kids too. In which case, I want them to have more time in the loving, stable home with me - not 50/50.

The kids come first in everything here. As a chronically selfish twit, he’s proven he will choose himself first wherever possible, so it’s up to me to work out what’s right for the kids and enforce it. But it’s harder to work out than I thought!

What would you do? Cut his midweek days down to 1 or stick with what we’ve got?

OP posts:
Springadorable · 30/07/2025 18:02

The problem is that if he digs his heels in he'll get 50/50, and it will cost you a fuck tonne in solicitors fees to end up in the same position. Also you do have a long commute, and are unlikely to actually see more of your youngest that day despite technically having them. I'd sit tight with the current arrangement for now and quietly assess as you go, and see if he naturally does what a lot of guys do and say work commitments mean he can't possibly have his kids...

Original poster
EmmaThompsonsTears · 30/07/2025 19:27

Springadorable · 30/07/2025 18:02

The problem is that if he digs his heels in he'll get 50/50, and it will cost you a fuck tonne in solicitors fees to end up in the same position. Also you do have a long commute, and are unlikely to actually see more of your youngest that day despite technically having them. I'd sit tight with the current arrangement for now and quietly assess as you go, and see if he naturally does what a lot of guys do and say work commitments mean he can't possibly have his kids...

You make a good point about not seeing loads more of the kids that day, thank you.

so you don’t think I’m being a mug by accepting close to 50/50 and almost “giving up” on the kids? Because that’s what my brain is telling me right now

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 30/07/2025 19:29

I think especially given your commute you’d be kicking up a storm over what will amount to probably a matter of minutes extra, not worth it when he could take you to court as a result and get 50/50

legoplaybook · 30/07/2025 19:33

You'd be very foolish to sabotage your own childcare arrangements.

stichguru · 30/07/2025 19:40

Honestly I think in your case 50/50 is the best arrangement. Obviously it will be weird for the little one to go from having both parents around, to sometimes one and sometimes the other. She won't understand how many sleeps till she sees mummy/daddy, like your older child will. However in the long run she'll adjust to it. She's NOT happier with you because daddy is bad or dangerous, she's finding it hard to adjust to a routine that she doesn't understand, but it doesn't mean it's bad for her and she'll get used to it.

Spirallingdownwards · 30/07/2025 19:43

I would stick with what you have currently agree. By the time it went to court if disputed the younger child would be over 2 anyway.

Springadorable · 30/07/2025 19:53

EmmaThompsonsTears · 30/07/2025 19:27

You make a good point about not seeing loads more of the kids that day, thank you.

so you don’t think I’m being a mug by accepting close to 50/50 and almost “giving up” on the kids? Because that’s what my brain is telling me right now

Show quote history

No, but I totally get where you are coming from. My mum friends and I have joked that if we split with our partners we'd have to have them killed to ensure full custody 😂 but that's our possessive mum side showing, not what is in their best interests when it comes to having two parents invested in their care and their future. You might not get along any more, but it's a long time until they can make their own choices so play the long game for now. Hugs.

millymollymoomoo · 30/07/2025 21:14

Your youngest is at the ripe age for separation anxiety regardless and you’d probably find irrespective of separation they’d be clingy to either and both parents

i would persevere just providing reassurance where needed and love and cuddles when they’re with you, as they’re young they’ll cope better and quicker than if they were older and it will soon become normal

justsayso · 30/07/2025 22:56

Hi, I have a 22 month old and we've just started having overnights - Tuesday and every other Saturday. H is pushing for more but is for now respecting my wishes.
You're right, there's a lot of conflicting information online and I don't think there's a right answer. I also believe if I were to go to court they would order 50/50 immediately.
Your current set up sounds do-able, but from my perspective I think my DD would struggle with more than one night away from me at a time. So I might suggest splitting the days up maybe.
Are you still breastfeeding?

Original poster
EmmaThompsonsTears · 30/07/2025 23:01

Springadorable · 30/07/2025 19:53

No, but I totally get where you are coming from. My mum friends and I have joked that if we split with our partners we'd have to have them killed to ensure full custody 😂 but that's our possessive mum side showing, not what is in their best interests when it comes to having two parents invested in their care and their future. You might not get along any more, but it's a long time until they can make their own choices so play the long game for now. Hugs.

Show quote history

Thank you for the virtual hugs and the understanding - much needed!

I just want to say to PPs that this is very much an interim arrangement that we’ve been testing out for the last two weeks - it’s not something the kids have got used to yet, and we’ve not agreed to it in any formal way (ie writing anything down for the solicitors to review)

But there’s some really strong advice in here and I really appreciate it!

especially the realism about how much time I’d be getting with the kids if I did try to reduce his midweek nights. Probably about 5 hours a week tops.

the clinginess is making me panic too. But I guess even when you’ve got your kids full time, it never feels like enough, does it?

OP posts:
Original poster
EmmaThompsonsTears · 30/07/2025 23:02

justsayso · 30/07/2025 22:56

Hi, I have a 22 month old and we've just started having overnights - Tuesday and every other Saturday. H is pushing for more but is for now respecting my wishes.
You're right, there's a lot of conflicting information online and I don't think there's a right answer. I also believe if I were to go to court they would order 50/50 immediately.
Your current set up sounds do-able, but from my perspective I think my DD would struggle with more than one night away from me at a time. So I might suggest splitting the days up maybe.
Are you still breastfeeding?

No, I’d definitely take a different attitude if I was still breastfeeding! She’s fully weaned now

sending lots of digital cuddles to you though. Even one night without them is awful. H is pushing for a holiday later in the year and neither of the kids has ever been without me for more than two nights in a row. It’s really tough.

OP posts:
AuntMarch · 30/07/2025 23:17

I understand it - I miss mine so much when he's with his dad, but I think by not adding stress to commuting days, you'll be able to be a much more 'present and in the moment' parent when they are with you.
As pp said, if the youngest struggles and it becomes hard work he'll make his own excuses anyway!
I think either is actually ok, I just wanted to say don't make your life harder if its because you feel guilty rather than because they actually are struggling. My son has always done better with two nights than one (too many transitions too quickly)!

Imbusytodaysorry · 30/07/2025 23:41

@EmmaThompsonsTears would you cut the weekend time to one night , This is the time your week is going to be long as he will have them 4 nights that week .
Try two nights weekly for your work then every second Saturday . I would def keep the weekly child care for work in place

Original poster
EmmaThompsonsTears · 31/07/2025 07:16

AuntMarch · 30/07/2025 23:17

I understand it - I miss mine so much when he's with his dad, but I think by not adding stress to commuting days, you'll be able to be a much more 'present and in the moment' parent when they are with you.
As pp said, if the youngest struggles and it becomes hard work he'll make his own excuses anyway!
I think either is actually ok, I just wanted to say don't make your life harder if its because you feel guilty rather than because they actually are struggling. My son has always done better with two nights than one (too many transitions too quickly)!

Thank you so much for this.

i think I feel guilty so I’m looking for evidence that they might be struggling, Then I see 20m old being clingy and panic.

But hopefully you’re right - that’s why I suggested two midweek nights originally, because I thought they’d cope better with a small “block” rather than random single nights here and there.

it’s such a minefield - you want to do what’s best for them of course, but what’s best for them isn’t always obvious or clear cut! And I know that if I let anything get set in stone in terms of routine for them, it’ll be harder to change down the line.

OP posts:
Original poster
EmmaThompsonsTears · 31/07/2025 07:16

Imbusytodaysorry · 30/07/2025 23:41

@EmmaThompsonsTears would you cut the weekend time to one night , This is the time your week is going to be long as he will have them 4 nights that week .
Try two nights weekly for your work then every second Saturday . I would def keep the weekly child care for work in place

I hadn’t thought of this and it’s an interesting suggestion - thanks!

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 31/07/2025 07:59

Personally I wouldn’t switch the weekend to one night, means neither of you get a full weekend

ultimately do you and ex largely get on it can at least be civil , can you co parent well ? Can there be flexibility?

also, worth remembering that young children operate in the here and now - ie you can drop off and they’re clingy yet 2 mins later they’re perfectly happy, that they miss you when you’re not there but miss dad when he’s not. They also tend to be out if sight out of mind approach - eg I used to travel when mine were younger and if I called them they’d then get upset but if I didn’t they were perfectly settled and happy and couldn’t care less I wasn’t there. It was more unsettling for them for me to call everyday than actually just be away for days with no contact, I soon learned that the calls were for my benefit not there’s and stopped.

Original poster
EmmaThompsonsTears · 31/07/2025 12:51

millymollymoomoo · 31/07/2025 07:59

Personally I wouldn’t switch the weekend to one night, means neither of you get a full weekend

ultimately do you and ex largely get on it can at least be civil , can you co parent well ? Can there be flexibility?

also, worth remembering that young children operate in the here and now - ie you can drop off and they’re clingy yet 2 mins later they’re perfectly happy, that they miss you when you’re not there but miss dad when he’s not. They also tend to be out if sight out of mind approach - eg I used to travel when mine were younger and if I called them they’d then get upset but if I didn’t they were perfectly settled and happy and couldn’t care less I wasn’t there. It was more unsettling for them for me to call everyday than actually just be away for days with no contact, I soon learned that the calls were for my benefit not there’s and stopped.

Yeah I don’t think I’ll ask to reduce his weekend ones as it’s not really fair - but it was a good suggestion as I hadn’t considered it.

You’re definitely right about out of sight out of mind - I know my two are fine 2 minutes after I’ve gone! But I worry that the impact of this is that they’re clingier when I AM there. But I dunno, I might be reading too much into normal toddler behaviour.

re: your other questions, I would love for my ex and I to have a strong, friendly co-parenting relationship. I’m the injured party here but that’s absolutely my goal. At the moment he’s “too anxious” and afraid of my anger to even agree to be in the same house as me for an hour or two (so we can complete some DIY jobs before we sell it), so that’s really disappointing. Naturally I was angry when I found out the truth about the cheating, but I never showed it in front of the kids - so it’s disappointing that he can’t now offer me the same courtesy. For context, we’re only 2 months down the line from me finding out, so all this has happened very quickly.

OP posts:
Aliksa · 01/08/2025 19:38

Instead of dropping the mid week which suits you, why not say you cannot bear not to have a quality day with dc every weekend? Ask him to do Friday night only and drop the kids back after dinner on Saturday so you get to do bath, bed and cuddles.

I could not handle the emotional pain of not seeing my babies for a while weekend. He caused this problem not you, why should you suffer?

Aliksa · 01/08/2025 19:43

Was he thinking about fairness when he started wanking to another woman’s sexy messages?
You’re being very very forgiving. You’re a better person than me

iamnotalemon · 01/08/2025 19:45

At the moment he’s too anxious and afraid of your anger? Nice of him to blame you for a warranted response to his actions isn’t it! Eejit.

I think you’re doing so well after only two months and a better woman than me too.

Rayqueen · 01/08/2025 19:47

Regardless of your relationship with him it is only fair he gets to see the kids as much as he can aswell

Starlight7080 · 01/08/2025 19:58

On the days he has them can you visit them at his ? Just to see them for a bit in the evening. Especially as they are so young.
I know what he has done is awful. But if you both can have that sort of arrangement now and be civil for the kids then longterm it will be better for them .
This must be so hard for you. I would be the same . I would miss them a lot.

millymollymoomoo · 01/08/2025 22:10

i think they’d find they more unsettling, and it will undermine dad and op probably wouldn’t want her ex doing the same

FreesiaFairy · 01/08/2025 23:40

Could you drop them early Saturday and he brings them back Sunday after dinner? Then it's just one night but will still feel like a whole weekend,also you get to see them Friday evening

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/08/2025 00:08

Could you do a Saturday lunch with the other parents on one parents weekends for short term so baby isn't away from you for too long? Won't be sustainable but would help for now