Cheating H - What would you do with custody?

[EmmaThompsonsTears]

I recently found out that my husband is an irredeemable doofus. (See this thread for context: www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5346362-dh-affair-how-do-i-cope-with-family-holiday )

As a result, I’m on the second week of trialling a new childcare arrangement ahead of divorce (we’ve already filed but need to reach an agreement)

Kids are 20m and 4. The very recent current arrangement is he has them Tuesday and Wednesday nights every week (these are my office days and my commute is 1.5h) and Friday and Saturday night every other weekend. This works out at about 53:47 in my favour, and I have 8 nights in 14.

I’m now having doubts about whether this is the right call. I think the eldest will be ok with this arrangement eventually, but the youngest has become very clingy as she’s so little. Having done research, it looks like 50/50 (or close to it) isn’t recommended by psychologists for kids under 2, and they need a stable home base with a primary parent to feel secure. However, you can also find evidence to support the opposite, so I have no idea what’s true!

I also miss the kids so much on the weeknights, and fundamentally: it wasn’t me who gambled my time with them, it was him.

I’m thinking about asking to reduce his time so he gets 1 midweek night instead of 2 (and keeps 2 nights EOW). However, it will definitely be harder to make it work with my commute. I’ll be able to make it to nursery/school pick up in time, but it will be stressful - and if I’m stressed and burned out, does that negate some of the benefits of the kids having a stable home base?

The other factor is that STBEx was emotionally abusive to cover his tracks, and continues to be cold and distant with me. I’m scared that in time, he’ll be like that with the kids too. In which case, I want them to have more time in the loving, stable home with me - not 50/50.

The kids come first in everything here. As a chronically selfish twit, he’s proven he will choose himself first wherever possible, so it’s up to me to work out what’s right for the kids and enforce it. But it’s harder to work out than I thought!

What would you do? Cut his midweek days down to 1 or stick with what we’ve got?

Short visits from other parent while they’re with mum or dad will be very very unsettling for children and completely cause problems. It’s not to the benefit of children at all imo

Honestly? I wouldn't shoot yourself in the foot and end up making your own life more difficult long-term. It's hard now, and you will miss them but you will also get used to it in time, and may find that you want that weekend break after solo parenting through the week.

It's really easy to overthink it at this point but I think what you've laid out originally sounds like a really sensible plan.

I am a firm believer of a child needs one place where they call home. The second parent should be 2 nights a week where they have some things but ultimately they have their home. 50/50 custody is about the parents and I don’t believe it is the best interest of the child!

on the issue you raise about noticing the children being more clingy with you when you do have them, I’d suggest trying having a conscious transition phase when you first get them back. So set aside 30 mins (or what they need after trial and error) for some time totally focused on them, and where they can touch and cuddle you. No other people, phones, tv just you and them. This might be at home on the couch, sitting next to each other and asking about their day, or same but stories. As they get older it could transition to sitting around the kitchen table with a hot drink, or in a cafe, but the point is that you are ‘filling up’ that clingy feeling or ‘missing you’ feeling, rather than rushing onwards and the kids being with you, but not having that feeling of being with you yet.

I’ve expressed it badly, but I hope you know what I mean.

I think another good way to achieve this, if busy, if to have a routine at your house. For example, if picking them up late after work to go home, remind them of the routine, ‘when we get home, we have bath, dinner then teeth, stories, cuddles and bed’ so they are comforted by the sameness of the routine, and know where the stand. Also maybe always XX for dinner on XX night?

I think to combat the moving between houses means you want yours as routine and stable as possible. Boring, maybe! But comforting for them.

Tying what you do about shared care to the reason for the end of the marriage (infidelity) is a losing game and not best for the kids. I was also cheated on and left so I’m saying that from a perspective of understanding.

Given your commute, you need him to have them those midweek nights. It’s also only fair that the kids spend some weekend time with each of you. I’d stick with the current arrangement. Kids do go through clingy phases but they are adaptable and what’s important is a consistent routine.

Also it’s very raw at the moment, being so recent. I’m 2.5 years down the track and we now co-parent really well and often pop round to each other’s houses or do things together at the weekend (sometimes also with OW!) so DD isn’t away from either of us for so long. But for the first few months this simply was not possible because I was so angry/hurt/upset.

A secure roof over your children’s heads is another factor to consider. Having bedn made homeless with children and minimum wage job no childcare and a father who fucked off to another country with his new meal ticket, if I were in your position I’d be protecting my ability to work.

My ex has our 2 and 4 year old one week night the first week then Friday and Saturday the next week. It feels manageable and gives me a little break.

These are really great suggestions, thank you!

the midweek transitions are “at school / nursery” ie he drops them off in the morning and I pick them up at home time or vice versa, so we definitely have a very clear routine for those ones. I’ll make sure to do the same on weekends too as that’s a great shout.

Really interesting what you said about touch too - my youngest now insists that she sits on my knee at mealtimes, and I’ve stopped trying to discourage it now (it’s the sort of thing that would’ve really wound up exH, but actually I remember eldest going through this phase and he did grow out of it). If she needs to feel closer to me right now, that’s fine - she’s very little. Does it mean I get covered in weetabix? Yes. But it’s worth it for the cuddles!

It really helps hearing stories like this from further down the track, thank you so much for sharing ❤️ you have no idea how much hope it gives me!

obviously twats never change their twat spots, but this kind of story is encouraging in the sense that H probably won’t be THIS much of a twat forever