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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

AIBU - ex’s girlfriend

52 replies

RH2025 · 17/07/2025 19:29

Hi MN - feeling pretty battered and bruised today so I’d be grateful for advice please 🙂 Sorry this is long!

Separated from ex-H 5 years ago. Wasn’t amicable - tried at first but he blames me entirely for split (I disagree totally and I hasten to add no cheating or anything from me, but I appreciate he obviously has strong feelings about it) and is very bitter, calls me for all sorts, questions parenting often, told DCs (we have 2) split my fault etc etc. I do feel I’m a pretty fair and reasonable co-parent (he has them 2 nights pw) though now we more parallel parent as I couldn’t deal with the toxicity anymore so now am polite but distant. He thinks this is appalling and is evidence of how unreasonable I am, accuses me of not caring about what’s best for the children etc. DCs are wonderful, happy, thriving at school.

I have a new DP who is adorable and loving. DCs love him. Been together 3years lived together 18 months. Ex has new partner also. Together 2 years lived together 2 months.

DP and I decided early on that he would stay back from most joint school events out of respect of exP. If kids ask him to go he explains that this is just one for mum and dad but he will watch the videos/can’t wait to hear about it etc etc, then makes a big fuss when he sees them. DCs are absolutely fine with that, happy and no signs of any issue.

exH and new partner apparently don’t hold the same view and the 2 of them feel like she should go to events, she came to one recently. That’s up to them, I’m disappointed but I’ve never vocalized it and let them get on with it.

It was however DDs leavers assembly at primary school last week - very emotional and all Mums were primed with the tissues way in advance! Invite said “Parents”. I hear from DD that Dad will be taking GF and so she said I could bring DP. I explained to her that invite just says parents, DP would be receiving vids and will send her messages about it after. Didn’t say to her Dad shouldn’t bring new partner, just left it there. She was fine with that.

I messaged ex to say I mean this totally respectfully to all involved, but I feel it might be best if it’s just parents today. It will be really emotional and perhaps we should just acknowledge that as loved as the children are by everyone it is just for us as Mum and Dad as our baby is leaving primary, not just a usual assembly.

This did not go down well. I’ve was accused of not caring about my daughter’s feelings, not being respectful to him, etc etc. She turned up with him. It was utterly excruciating to be so emotional in front of someone who is supporting a man who has been very vocal about how hateful I am and who clearly decided to come anyway despite my feelings (he told me he’d spoken to her about it following my message). She’s a psychotherapist so I assume is backing his version of my being certifiable. They ignored me so I ignored them back.

I thought I was being reasonable but being told I’m being selfish and not putting my DD first cuts me so much - I always want to do the best by them. It’s just so hard to put up with absolutely everything and have no boundaries. But is that what I need to do? Was I putting myself before my DD to her detriment? I feel I can’t see the woods for the trees. Poor kid 😔

Sorry for the ramble. TIA X

OP posts:
Dillydollydingdong · 17/07/2025 19:37

Not quite sure why the Ex thinks you're being selfish and not putting DD first!? What did you do that he didn't like? You asked him not to bring his new gf but he did anyway. You left your dp at home because the Ex wouldn't like him being there... So? Maybe you should just take your dp along anyway next time.

Original poster
RH2025 · 17/07/2025 19:42

Dillydollydingdong · 17/07/2025 19:37

Not quite sure why the Ex thinks you're being selfish and not putting DD first!? What did you do that he didn't like? You asked him not to bring his new gf but he did anyway. You left your dp at home because the Ex wouldn't like him being there... So? Maybe you should just take your dp along anyway next time.

Thanks - exH said he wouldn’t have a problem with DP being there. But still, we just feel that there are occasions where we should be deferential to the father-child relationship. Obviously this might change going forward!

OP posts:
Readytoplay · 17/07/2025 19:50

Honestly, if the kids want your partner there, then I think you should of let him gone personally.

Om83 · 17/07/2025 19:50

tbh as families now come in all shapes and sizes, and partners are going to be part of their lives then I can see why your ‘suggestion’ would rock the boat. especially as you have set your own boundaries for your own DP- this wasn’t agreed or discussed with your exH? I wonder if he is even aware/noticed you have done this?

I think you all have to have boundaries agreed together for what is/isn’t allowed before getting upset about things not going as you’d like. but as I said families are all shapes and sizes- I expect the kids would be happy if everyone just gets along and have as many people who care about them as possible sharing special moments in their life, she will never replace you just as your DP will never replace their dad.

Sorry but it does come across that you were more frustrated about the partner seeing you cry than your DD in this situation…

Original poster
RH2025 · 17/07/2025 19:54

Readytoplay · 17/07/2025 19:50

Honestly, if the kids want your partner there, then I think you should of let him gone personally.

Thanks - maybe we should do that in future.

OP posts:
Original poster
RH2025 · 17/07/2025 19:58

Om83 · 17/07/2025 19:50

tbh as families now come in all shapes and sizes, and partners are going to be part of their lives then I can see why your ‘suggestion’ would rock the boat. especially as you have set your own boundaries for your own DP- this wasn’t agreed or discussed with your exH? I wonder if he is even aware/noticed you have done this?

I think you all have to have boundaries agreed together for what is/isn’t allowed before getting upset about things not going as you’d like. but as I said families are all shapes and sizes- I expect the kids would be happy if everyone just gets along and have as many people who care about them as possible sharing special moments in their life, she will never replace you just as your DP will never replace their dad.

Sorry but it does come across that you were more frustrated about the partner seeing you cry than your DD in this situation…

Edited

Thanks.
I definitely didn’t relish that idea, it’s more that I’d like to think that some things might just be sacred for just parents, especially in a high-conflict situation that I feel isn’t my doing. Maybe that’s me putting me first. It’s so hard. Thanks for your feedback 🙂

OP posts:
Largestlegocollectionever · 17/07/2025 19:59

Actually I’d question why your perspective that it should only be parents over rides his perspective that all parental figures should attend?
why do you get to decide what’s best?
If have just brought my partner along too as it sounds like that’s what the children want?

Original poster
RH2025 · 17/07/2025 20:04

Largestlegocollectionever · 17/07/2025 19:59

Actually I’d question why your perspective that it should only be parents over rides his perspective that all parental figures should attend?
why do you get to decide what’s best?
If have just brought my partner along too as it sounds like that’s what the children want?

I don’t get to decide what’s best. I landed on a position I thought was respectful to everyone I just made a request for one particular event. But I don’t feel I get to decide - that why I’ve respectfully asked for advice 🙂
Thanks for the feedback.

OP posts:
CopperWhite · 17/07/2025 20:09

You tried to do the right things and treat your ex as you’d like to be treated. Unfortunately he’s a selfish twat who is being brainwashed by someone with love goggles on, and it is very difficult to be reasonable with people who are unreasonable.

Your children are happy for your DP to go to their events, so if he’s willing, get him to go.

Original poster
RH2025 · 17/07/2025 20:21

CopperWhite · 17/07/2025 20:09

You tried to do the right things and treat your ex as you’d like to be treated. Unfortunately he’s a selfish twat who is being brainwashed by someone with love goggles on, and it is very difficult to be reasonable with people who are unreasonable.

Your children are happy for your DP to go to their events, so if he’s willing, get him to go.

Ah those love goggles! Got me into a heap of trouble 😂
Thanks 🙂 you are definitely right and he will be coming along now.

OP posts:
Notmycircusnotmyotter · 18/07/2025 08:13

I think you're trying your best to do the right thing and he's a selfish arsehole.

harriethoyle · 18/07/2025 08:17

Stop trying to control what your ex does. You must do what you think is right for you and the children and he must do likewise. Sometimes they’ll coincide and sometimes they won’t. You don’t get the casting vote if you’re not on the same page so don’t cause the conflict in the first place. Sounds like the only person who suffers is you!

RentalWoesNotFun · 18/07/2025 08:22

Your ex is an ignorant gaslighting prick.

Whats sauce for the goose - if it’s acceptable to bring one partner then it’s acceptable to being another. Not rules for one and rules for another. That will be confusing for the children.

Id be telling him that if it’s ok to bring a partner in his eyes then you’re bringing yours and tough shit if he doesn’t like it, he should have thought about that before he invited his gf.
So he should either tell her to keep away or I bring him.
Up to you mate.
But the rules need to be the same as it’s best for children to have continuity amd see rules being respected.

Original poster
RH2025 · 19/07/2025 01:30

Notmycircusnotmyotter · 18/07/2025 08:13

I think you're trying your best to do the right thing and he's a selfish arsehole.

Ah thanks - I do try but I possibly don’t always get it right 🙂

OP posts:
Original poster
RH2025 · 19/07/2025 01:33

RentalWoesNotFun · 18/07/2025 08:22

Your ex is an ignorant gaslighting prick.

Whats sauce for the goose - if it’s acceptable to bring one partner then it’s acceptable to being another. Not rules for one and rules for another. That will be confusing for the children.

Id be telling him that if it’s ok to bring a partner in his eyes then you’re bringing yours and tough shit if he doesn’t like it, he should have thought about that before he invited his gf.
So he should either tell her to keep away or I bring him.
Up to you mate.
But the rules need to be the same as it’s best for children to have continuity amd see rules being respected.

Ironically, he has accused me of gaslighting him!
I think that what’s come out of this is that the no contact is definitely there for a reason and DP and I will do what we think is best for kids re events and not what shows respect to their Dad. It feels v combative and sad but it is what it is innit.
Thanks for the feedback 🙂

OP posts:
Original poster
RH2025 · 19/07/2025 01:36

harriethoyle · 18/07/2025 08:17

Stop trying to control what your ex does. You must do what you think is right for you and the children and he must do likewise. Sometimes they’ll coincide and sometimes they won’t. You don’t get the casting vote if you’re not on the same page so don’t cause the conflict in the first place. Sounds like the only person who suffers is you!

Edited

Hi, thanks for the perspective.
i see your point totally but in my defence I usually do let him crack on, it was just for this one event. But I definitely see now that there’s absolutely no respect to be salvaged between us so we will just do our own thing based on what DCs want ☺️
though when his new partner starts turning up to parents evenings that’ll be fun 😂

OP posts:
TheEndlessNight · 19/07/2025 01:47

I can see why you have posted but honestly you are giving your ex way too much head space. I actually feel a little bit sorry for your dp. Just relax and live your life with your new family, what your ex does or doesn't do or thinks or doesn't think is not your problem anymore. I also think you should listen like really listen to your children, your dd invited your dp but you blocked that and put your ex and his partner first. It's like you are still trying to be a nuclear family when that's not the case. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to move on. Generally when schools say family it means all dynamics of family Flowers

Daygloboo · 19/07/2025 02:01

RH2025 · 17/07/2025 19:29

Hi MN - feeling pretty battered and bruised today so I’d be grateful for advice please 🙂 Sorry this is long!

Separated from ex-H 5 years ago. Wasn’t amicable - tried at first but he blames me entirely for split (I disagree totally and I hasten to add no cheating or anything from me, but I appreciate he obviously has strong feelings about it) and is very bitter, calls me for all sorts, questions parenting often, told DCs (we have 2) split my fault etc etc. I do feel I’m a pretty fair and reasonable co-parent (he has them 2 nights pw) though now we more parallel parent as I couldn’t deal with the toxicity anymore so now am polite but distant. He thinks this is appalling and is evidence of how unreasonable I am, accuses me of not caring about what’s best for the children etc. DCs are wonderful, happy, thriving at school.

I have a new DP who is adorable and loving. DCs love him. Been together 3years lived together 18 months. Ex has new partner also. Together 2 years lived together 2 months.

DP and I decided early on that he would stay back from most joint school events out of respect of exP. If kids ask him to go he explains that this is just one for mum and dad but he will watch the videos/can’t wait to hear about it etc etc, then makes a big fuss when he sees them. DCs are absolutely fine with that, happy and no signs of any issue.

exH and new partner apparently don’t hold the same view and the 2 of them feel like she should go to events, she came to one recently. That’s up to them, I’m disappointed but I’ve never vocalized it and let them get on with it.

It was however DDs leavers assembly at primary school last week - very emotional and all Mums were primed with the tissues way in advance! Invite said “Parents”. I hear from DD that Dad will be taking GF and so she said I could bring DP. I explained to her that invite just says parents, DP would be receiving vids and will send her messages about it after. Didn’t say to her Dad shouldn’t bring new partner, just left it there. She was fine with that.

I messaged ex to say I mean this totally respectfully to all involved, but I feel it might be best if it’s just parents today. It will be really emotional and perhaps we should just acknowledge that as loved as the children are by everyone it is just for us as Mum and Dad as our baby is leaving primary, not just a usual assembly.

This did not go down well. I’ve was accused of not caring about my daughter’s feelings, not being respectful to him, etc etc. She turned up with him. It was utterly excruciating to be so emotional in front of someone who is supporting a man who has been very vocal about how hateful I am and who clearly decided to come anyway despite my feelings (he told me he’d spoken to her about it following my message). She’s a psychotherapist so I assume is backing his version of my being certifiable. They ignored me so I ignored them back.

I thought I was being reasonable but being told I’m being selfish and not putting my DD first cuts me so much - I always want to do the best by them. It’s just so hard to put up with absolutely everything and have no boundaries. But is that what I need to do? Was I putting myself before my DD to her detriment? I feel I can’t see the woods for the trees. Poor kid 😔

Sorry for the ramble. TIA X

I dont get why the girlfriend had to go. I would have thought that grown up people.could let the parents be there for the child without having to stake a claim, which is what it sounded like. Like sort of planting a flag in the middle of the assembly hall, claiming your entitled bit of ground.

Meadowfinch · 19/07/2025 02:30

I'm with you OP. Such events are for parents only, even if the child is happy for everyone to be there.

Firstly it saves on confusion for the dcs if relationships don't last. Also helps the school that has to try to find space for all these extra people.

In your situation I would have done the same. Ignore them, let them do them and you focus on your dd.

JS25 · 19/07/2025 03:01

I do see your point and I would be in total agreement with you if their relationship was new but they have been together a while and are living together. So presumably his new partner will be pretty involved in dcs lives.

if the dcs want either one or both of their step parents (for want of a better word but effectively what they are) there then it’s in the best interests of the child that they come along. That’s just my opinion anyway.

if your exs new partner is showing up to everything and excuses being made by your partner then this could look to a child that he doesn’t care as much as step mum does. It doesn’t matter if you and him think it’s for the best a child doesn’t understand this.

going forward I would just bring along DP if dc wants him there.

Comewhatmay25 · 19/07/2025 05:16

I think you were unreasonable. If tickets weren't limited then what was the issue.
Also if the partners are going to be step parents and you want them to love and support over the years, pulling the "this one is just for the real parents" card is quite mean and dismissive of their role. Especially when there was enough space for everyone.

Francestein · 19/07/2025 05:18

Fuck it… bring your man. It seems that this is what the kids want too.

AtomHeartMotherOfGod · 19/07/2025 05:34

RH2025 · 17/07/2025 19:42

Thanks - exH said he wouldn’t have a problem with DP being there. But still, we just feel that there are occasions where we should be deferential to the father-child relationship. Obviously this might change going forward!

Show quote history

I'm sorry but I think it's fine to have partners there for support.

I'm confused about the 'utterly excruciating' line. I go to watch films and can often be 'super emotional' about them in front of complete strangers. Why should your DP being horrible to you mean you can't cry in public about an unrelated issue?

Applepearpeaches · 19/07/2025 05:40

Events like these should strictly be for parents only, especially as available seating would be limited.
I also think the fact that the step mum had to show up was more to do with the probability she's insecure with the thought of you and her partner being in the same room with each other without her there, rather than any interest she has in seeing your DC's school leaving assembly.

Maybe she insisted to your ex that she should be there .

Original poster
RH2025 · 19/07/2025 12:40

Thanks for the tough love ☺️
certainly not meant to be mean at all and I did stress I didn’t mean to be disrespectful, but maybe it came across that way

OP posts: