AIBU - ex’s girlfriend

[RH2025]

Hi MN - feeling pretty battered and bruised today so I’d be grateful for advice please 🙂 Sorry this is long!

Separated from ex-H 5 years ago. Wasn’t amicable - tried at first but he blames me entirely for split (I disagree totally and I hasten to add no cheating or anything from me, but I appreciate he obviously has strong feelings about it) and is very bitter, calls me for all sorts, questions parenting often, told DCs (we have 2) split my fault etc etc. I do feel I’m a pretty fair and reasonable co-parent (he has them 2 nights pw) though now we more parallel parent as I couldn’t deal with the toxicity anymore so now am polite but distant. He thinks this is appalling and is evidence of how unreasonable I am, accuses me of not caring about what’s best for the children etc. DCs are wonderful, happy, thriving at school.

I have a new DP who is adorable and loving. DCs love him. Been together 3years lived together 18 months. Ex has new partner also. Together 2 years lived together 2 months.

DP and I decided early on that he would stay back from most joint school events out of respect of exP. If kids ask him to go he explains that this is just one for mum and dad but he will watch the videos/can’t wait to hear about it etc etc, then makes a big fuss when he sees them. DCs are absolutely fine with that, happy and no signs of any issue.

exH and new partner apparently don’t hold the same view and the 2 of them feel like she should go to events, she came to one recently. That’s up to them, I’m disappointed but I’ve never vocalized it and let them get on with it.

It was however DDs leavers assembly at primary school last week - very emotional and all Mums were primed with the tissues way in advance! Invite said “Parents”. I hear from DD that Dad will be taking GF and so she said I could bring DP. I explained to her that invite just says parents, DP would be receiving vids and will send her messages about it after. Didn’t say to her Dad shouldn’t bring new partner, just left it there. She was fine with that.

I messaged ex to say I mean this totally respectfully to all involved, but I feel it might be best if it’s just parents today. It will be really emotional and perhaps we should just acknowledge that as loved as the children are by everyone it is just for us as Mum and Dad as our baby is leaving primary, not just a usual assembly.

This did not go down well. I’ve was accused of not caring about my daughter’s feelings, not being respectful to him, etc etc. She turned up with him. It was utterly excruciating to be so emotional in front of someone who is supporting a man who has been very vocal about how hateful I am and who clearly decided to come anyway despite my feelings (he told me he’d spoken to her about it following my message). She’s a psychotherapist so I assume is backing his version of my being certifiable. They ignored me so I ignored them back.

I thought I was being reasonable but being told I’m being selfish and not putting my DD first cuts me so much - I always want to do the best by them. It’s just so hard to put up with absolutely everything and have no boundaries. But is that what I need to do? Was I putting myself before my DD to her detriment? I feel I can’t see the woods for the trees. Poor kid 😔

Sorry for the ramble. TIA X

You are absolutely right and we have considered that re it looking as if he doesn’t care as much, which is absolutely not the case

Thanks, I thought this too but the split even in these comments shows that it’s quite evenly divided.
i tried to do what was right, maybe it wasn’t. But I won’t make the same mistake twice ☺️

Thanks for your comment 🙂
DP is fine, he gets a bit sad as he sees it’s tough on me but he’s alright.
You are absolutely right though, thank you

It did feel like that being honest but we don’t speak so I can only assume what she thinks and I may be wrong

Thank you ☺️

I agree

It’s ridiculous that these manufactured events (leavers assembly etc) are built up to such a level that they are ‘emotional’ with tissues etc. Now with many school having a majority of blended families, numerous ‘stepparents’ etc school should just make it for the kids only.

@RH2025 I think your ex is just doing this to get back at you because he’s bitter you split with him.

Obviously your ex is a massive arsehole

never ask him about anything again, it just gives him power to be abusive. Minimise contact as far as possible, consider a parenting app ?

Interesting point. He has made it clear over the years that he considers me to be an utterly diabolical human despite how nice I try to be so it may be the case.
It does make me really low and it has definitely made me assume that I must deep down be truly awful, hence my second guessing myself all the effing time.
thanks for the take ☺️

I have gone very, very low contact, about 18 mths ago as I felt I was losing my mind.
Unfortunately this has been made out that this is because I am a cold, unfeeling human who refuses to be on friendly terms with the father of my children, and DD has asked why I won’t be friends with Dad, because he just wants to be friends.
ive reams and reams of messages they will never see which prove otherwise. Feels very much like a losing “battle”. Shouldn’t be a battle though 😩 I don’t know which way is up with it. Wish I was a bit stronger!
god what a bladdy pity party I am 😬😂

Honestly my ex would have insisted on bringing his girlfriend too he would have caused fuss and drama about it and his wife hasn't even met our child UNFORTUNATELY he forgot which year our child finished school and has now realised he has missed it by an entire year the Facebook meltdown was brief blaming me (obviously) someone mentioned dont you have there date of birth tattooed on you? Couldn't you have figured it out? And deleted

Now he is with a therapist, he'll start using all sorts of therapy speak on you to further gaslight you. Some people who work in mental health have unresolved issues...

it’s him not you. He has a new partner he lives with and is still trying to get back at you

Do primary schools have such massive assembly halls that parents plus stepparents can all be accommodated? It all seems so complicated and self indulgent for four people (two of them not the parents) to take time off work for these and other similar events. DD’s school just gives out two tickets per child and the room is rammed.

your kids will get to a place where they realise their dad is manipulating them to get at you. I have lived experience of everything you’ve mentioned and 4 years ago DD decided she didn’t want any more contact with her dad

It has definitely made things worse not better them being together.
The kids do really like her though, so I have to give her props for that

Thanks so much - it veers between she can’t stand him to him being the best thing since sliced. I think his GF definitely smooths things along, DD used to refuse to go to his every week without fail until GF moved in.
god knows what the future holds 😬

Oh god that sounds awful!

This is a difficult one 🤔. Myself and my ex husband made an agreement that whatever we are feeling has to be secondary to what our children want . Our break up was our fault not there’s. This meant quite a few uncomfortable school events parties with 3 instead of 2 sometimes but over time it worked out. Just concentrate on how the kids feel . We now have partners we’ve been with over 4 years and actually we do all the kids birthdays together we even all do events together as we all get along . We are even planning a big family holiday . It wasn’t the easiest or most popular option but it was worth it our kids have 4 great parents who love and care for them and they’re not afraid to love and be themselves with us all. Good luck op hope it all works out. 🙂

Personally I think you made a decision but it wasn't one he agreed with. Now that he is bringing his GF to events then this makes it fine for your DP to go too. You tried to do the right thing (in your opinion) but ex doesn't subscribe to same view. Your DP will now be able to share the precious moments your DD wants him to.

That’s absolutely fantastic 🥰
that was the sentiment with us too but with all that was said and done, repeatedly, it just became too hard. I do often think I’ve failed the kids as a result 😔
lucky kids and well done you x

I think that if separated parents are comfortable enough to have their partner living with the children and involved in the day to day, it's a little strange to then have a parents only stipulation for school events.
Your dp and exes dp are part of the dcs lives. Obviously in cases where only two people can attend due to numbers , parents go. But when there's plenty of space, he can take his dp and you can take yours. Obviously this should be guided by the children and their best interests. It sounds like they are happy with you all being there.

I think your kids are old enough to understand that while you know that Daddy loves them very much, and you’re happy they like the poor deluded sap his new partner. Sometimes adults try and make kids feel happier by telling little stories when it’s actually kinder to tell them the truth. It would be nice is Daddy and Sap really wanted to be friends with Mummy, but it’s just not true. All the grownups love the kids but it’s not possible for the grownups to be friends anymore.

yes similar, things got better for my DD when her dad got a girlfriend and she was happier visiting as GF also had a daughter. But after about a year he and GF started rowing and it all went downhill again