Hi MN - feeling pretty battered and bruised today so I’d be grateful for advice please 🙂 Sorry this is long!
Separated from ex-H 5 years ago. Wasn’t amicable - tried at first but he blames me entirely for split (I disagree totally and I hasten to add no cheating or anything from me, but I appreciate he obviously has strong feelings about it) and is very bitter, calls me for all sorts, questions parenting often, told DCs (we have 2) split my fault etc etc. I do feel I’m a pretty fair and reasonable co-parent (he has them 2 nights pw) though now we more parallel parent as I couldn’t deal with the toxicity anymore so now am polite but distant. He thinks this is appalling and is evidence of how unreasonable I am, accuses me of not caring about what’s best for the children etc. DCs are wonderful, happy, thriving at school.
I have a new DP who is adorable and loving. DCs love him. Been together 3years lived together 18 months. Ex has new partner also. Together 2 years lived together 2 months.
DP and I decided early on that he would stay back from most joint school events out of respect of exP. If kids ask him to go he explains that this is just one for mum and dad but he will watch the videos/can’t wait to hear about it etc etc, then makes a big fuss when he sees them. DCs are absolutely fine with that, happy and no signs of any issue.
exH and new partner apparently don’t hold the same view and the 2 of them feel like she should go to events, she came to one recently. That’s up to them, I’m disappointed but I’ve never vocalized it and let them get on with it.
It was however DDs leavers assembly at primary school last week - very emotional and all Mums were primed with the tissues way in advance! Invite said “Parents”. I hear from DD that Dad will be taking GF and so she said I could bring DP. I explained to her that invite just says parents, DP would be receiving vids and will send her messages about it after. Didn’t say to her Dad shouldn’t bring new partner, just left it there. She was fine with that.
I messaged ex to say I mean this totally respectfully to all involved, but I feel it might be best if it’s just parents today. It will be really emotional and perhaps we should just acknowledge that as loved as the children are by everyone it is just for us as Mum and Dad as our baby is leaving primary, not just a usual assembly.
This did not go down well. I’ve was accused of not caring about my daughter’s feelings, not being respectful to him, etc etc. She turned up with him. It was utterly excruciating to be so emotional in front of someone who is supporting a man who has been very vocal about how hateful I am and who clearly decided to come anyway despite my feelings (he told me he’d spoken to her about it following my message). She’s a psychotherapist so I assume is backing his version of my being certifiable. They ignored me so I ignored them back.
I thought I was being reasonable but being told I’m being selfish and not putting my DD first cuts me so much - I always want to do the best by them. It’s just so hard to put up with absolutely everything and have no boundaries. But is that what I need to do? Was I putting myself before my DD to her detriment? I feel I can’t see the woods for the trees. Poor kid 😔
Sorry for the ramble. TIA X