Page 3 | Dating a separated man, living with his wife

Morningcoffee85 · 2025-07-07T09:04:37+00:00

My partner of 7 months has been in a unhappy marriage for years they separated a year ago but he still lives with his wife. Apparently they sleep in different rooms. I love him very much and it hurts every time he leaves. They both have good incomes, but are doing this for the children. ( they are in secondary school) Any advice is welcome

WhatMe123 · 07/07/2025 12:18

Oh op come on 😩😩 either they're still happily married or not so happy but most definitely together. You need to see this for what it is and otl hurt hug your the ow

SaturdayDream · 07/07/2025 12:19

Blah. Blah. Blah. It’s the same speech from these married men everytime.

FridayFeelingmidweek · 07/07/2025 12:29

Don't get involved/end it. If he has a chance of solving things for his children, he should. This is only going to end one way, badly fir all involved and will mostly affect the children.

SixteenClovesOfGarlic · 07/07/2025 13:15

SaturdayDream · 07/07/2025 12:19

Blah. Blah. Blah. It’s the same speech from these married men everytime.

The marriage was always unhappy
They sleep in separate rooms
The wife doesn't 'understand' the man
The wife is 'mental/unstable/ill/someone just died'
The man doesn't want to 'lose' his kids (why would he?) so that's why he doesn't divorce
The wife would 'steal' the marital assets

Such pathetic, weak tick box cliches these losers come out with. They could at least put a tiny bit of effort or creativity into the lies. Or their marriages.

Shetlands · 07/07/2025 13:28

Tell him it's over unless he invites you to his house and his wife confirms the story. He doesn't have to invite you in, just a confirmation from her on the doorstep would do. if he won't agree to that then walk away (in fact run).

TheFormidableMrsC · 07/07/2025 13:30

He’s not your partner, he’s somebody’s husband and you are the OW.

Luckyingame · 07/07/2025 13:32

Yeah, sure.
Just as well I don't need or want to "date" anyone anymore. Please, OP, open your eyes. 🙄

Luckyingame · 07/07/2025 13:43

SixteenClovesOfGarlic · 07/07/2025 13:15

The marriage was always unhappy
They sleep in separate rooms
The wife doesn't 'understand' the man
The wife is 'mental/unstable/ill/someone just died'
The man doesn't want to 'lose' his kids (why would he?) so that's why he doesn't divorce
The wife would 'steal' the marital assets

Such pathetic, weak tick box cliches these losers come out with. They could at least put a tiny bit of effort or creativity into the lies. Or their marriages.

Show quote history

Yes, it's beyond pathetic, isn't it? The repetition and entitlement. Bollocks.

Glitterberries · 07/07/2025 13:49

Leave…or as another person said give ultimatums or leave.
I came out of a similar relationship in the past but I have a son for him and he’s not a part of our lives.

you don’t deserve the sadness you feel when he leaves he has clearly chosen the OW whether separated or not. My ex eventually moved out and lived at his job but as soon as the OW clicks her fingers he’s there & he would walk away from me to take her calls. One day I flipped out about it and he said “what will you do when we are married” lol the thought of him thinking we’ll be married when he puts his EX first is hilarious. You deserve better. If he’s financially well off he can definitely leave kids or no kids. Know your worth.

Seagullstopitnow · 07/07/2025 14:03

Speaking from experience, they are still together. They still have sex. She totally understands him and he's a dirty, cheating scumbag.

Rabbitsockpeony · 07/07/2025 15:34

Morningcoffee85 · 07/07/2025 10:31

He will speak to me when no-one is around

Show quote history

Oh come on.

LifeHasBegunAgain · 07/07/2025 16:03

I'm going to be the spanner in the works here and say that I was in the similar position of dating a man who was separated but living with his wife, and a lot of what you describe was similar, but he has now moved out, bought his own place and we are together.

He had stayed at home because of his children for a number of years, but once they separated he stayed for another three years whilst his son went through exams and to support his daughter with some ongoing MH issues (still has, but she has been able to hold down a p/t job for a little while now). His children were fully aware of the separation.

I was under the radar throughout this time (about 18mths of the 3yrs they they were separated) because he didn't want to rock the boat, introduce someone to his children who might not stick around, and generally because his wife didn't want the separation and became quite difficult, and continues now to be quite nasty. They weren't having sex in that time or for a long time before (and I've seen messages from her to that effect).

In our early days he told her when he was going on a date as they'd agreed but despite saying she was ok with it, she really wasn't and took her upset (which she's entitled to) out on the whole family, so it suited us better to keep it quiet. We've had plenty of weekends away, etc but I would never have wanted to go to his house and meet her!

It was tough when he went back to the family, especially when I knew he didn't want to either, but I never ever felt like he was putting her first. His kids, yes, but not her.

There were no financial reasons why they couldn't split (significant assets she is getting half off) but he has readily admited that the thought of moving out when they first separated and not seeing his kids eery day and being lonely really wasn't very appealing, so they made the best of it. He'd love me to move in with him now but we both want to enjoy a bit more public dating and getting to know each other's family and friends before we do.

I'm not saying this is your situation at all, but in my experience, there are some genuine cases out there! Should he have waited until he'd moved out before dating? Maybe, but it's worked out for us.

wizzywig · 07/07/2025 16:05

Even if all this were true, would you want to be the rebound person? You'll be looking after his kids before you know it.

LittlleMy · 07/07/2025 16:30

Nope, nope, no!

The only way I’d entertain that set up was if the guy had no kids and was with me every weekend, was able to talk freely and had a deadline as to when he would be renting - and also that I had been invited around to his/ hung out there some veinings. And even for that he would have to be an absolute unicorn of a guy!

Your set up sounds like guy is having his cake and eating it.

Original poster

Morningcoffee85 · 07/07/2025 16:34

sonoonetoldyoulifewasgonnabethisway · 07/07/2025 11:22

I saw a very similar post a few months back, well several actually from the same person, have you had a NC as you narrate very much like those other posts?

No, I also do not know anyone on here that I'm aware of

OP posts:

Original poster

Morningcoffee85 · 07/07/2025 16:54

Thank you everyone for your input, for the few who offered support thank you also.
I'm hurting very much. When you love someone this much I suppose you become blind to it all ❤️

OP posts:

MissDoubleU · 07/07/2025 17:01

Morningcoffee85 · 07/07/2025 16:54

Thank you everyone for your input, for the few who offered support thank you also.
I'm hurting very much. When you love someone this much I suppose you become blind to it all ❤️

I advise having a conversation with his wife. If he’s lying then she absolutely deserves to be aware of it. If he’s been honest then I’m sure she will let you know. Men shouldn’t get away with this.

Original poster

Morningcoffee85 · 07/07/2025 17:05

Whataday25 · 07/07/2025 11:36

So what’s his plan? Divorce? Sell the house? Get his own place? Or are they staying together for the children permanently?

I haven't heard the word divorce yet, holding off selling, talking about his own place but the kids do not know

OP posts:

Sally2791 · 07/07/2025 17:11

Ask to verify with the wife. My stbx was dating while we were still under the same roof and we were definitely separated. However I’m sure many more are trying it on. Is there a timeline for him getting out? If not he’s stringing you along

Plantladylover · 07/07/2025 17:21

His wife is probably unaware that they are separated sleeping in separate rooms and soo. To be divorced 🤔

Plantladylover · 07/07/2025 17:25

Ok i was in this position20 years ago. But I did go to the marital home. When the stbew was away with her new bf.

I met his kids. I also met his stbxw in a restaurant one night when I was out with him and she was out with new bf.

I also dropped him off at court for mediation financial settlement final hearing.

Divorce went through. I supported him through it all.

Then he left me for someone else who didn't remind him of all the separation divorce stuff. I was just the moving on gf.

Save yourself a load of hassle. Even if ge is genuinely separated it won't last with you

Plantladylover · 07/07/2025 17:28

SixteenClovesOfGarlic · 07/07/2025 13:15

The marriage was always unhappy
They sleep in separate rooms
The wife doesn't 'understand' the man
The wife is 'mental/unstable/ill/someone just died'
The man doesn't want to 'lose' his kids (why would he?) so that's why he doesn't divorce
The wife would 'steal' the marital assets

Such pathetic, weak tick box cliches these losers come out with. They could at least put a tiny bit of effort or creativity into the lies. Or their marriages.

Show quote history

Don't forget unhinged. The wife is usually unhinged 🤔🤣

Newnametrt · 07/07/2025 17:32

I’m also going to throw a spanner in the works here. Life is not black and white, living together does not necessarily equal together.

I am separated from my husband, but we still live together. Our situation is very much as you describe your partners situation. We have secondary school age children.

We all live in the same house. We are separated but not divorced. We sleep in separate rooms and separate lives. We most definitely do not have sex! But we parent together- we go on family holidays together and celebrate family events together.

We both have relationships with other people. These are invariably complicated by the situation and the fact that currently we don’t want to tell the kids about other partners- because neither of us has plans to live out currently.

Yes, we could get divorced and one day we probably will. But it’s bloody expensive and neither of us want to see the kids only 50% of the time. Living with your ex partner makes it much easier to go away- for work or to see other people.

He knows about my new partner. My kids do not.

I think these arrangements will become increasingly common as our crazy housing market makes it so hard to divorce and start again. We simply could not afford two houses in this area and we aren’t disrupting our kids education to move.

You of course, don’t have to accept a partner in this situation. My point is simply that not all men (or women) in this situation are cheating on oblivious partners.

FWIW if a woman asked to meet me to see if my situation was genuine then I would.

RussianDoll76 · 07/07/2025 17:36

Ok , not going with popular opinion here . Me and my ex lived together for a while after we separated and if we were dating we did it very discreetly out of respect for each other and to not confuse the children . We moved on but our circumstances took a little while to catch up. It worked out well . Ask him about it. I think deep down you’ll know if he is being truthful with you . Good luck OP .

AboogaBooga · 07/07/2025 17:37

Newnametrt · 07/07/2025 17:32

I’m also going to throw a spanner in the works here. Life is not black and white, living together does not necessarily equal together.

I am separated from my husband, but we still live together. Our situation is very much as you describe your partners situation. We have secondary school age children.

We all live in the same house. We are separated but not divorced. We sleep in separate rooms and separate lives. We most definitely do not have sex! But we parent together- we go on family holidays together and celebrate family events together.

We both have relationships with other people. These are invariably complicated by the situation and the fact that currently we don’t want to tell the kids about other partners- because neither of us has plans to live out currently.

Yes, we could get divorced and one day we probably will. But it’s bloody expensive and neither of us want to see the kids only 50% of the time. Living with your ex partner makes it much easier to go away- for work or to see other people.

He knows about my new partner. My kids do not.

I think these arrangements will become increasingly common as our crazy housing market makes it so hard to divorce and start again. We simply could not afford two houses in this area and we aren’t disrupting our kids education to move.

You of course, don’t have to accept a partner in this situation. My point is simply that not all men (or women) in this situation are cheating on oblivious partners.

FWIW if a woman asked to meet me to see if my situation was genuine then I would.

Your new partner is a fool to put up with such an arrangement that clearly has no end date and you’re actually quite selfish to drag them into it. Can people just not be single for a bit?

OP the chances that your guy is a lying cheating sack of shit is still high. People like this poster are the exception, not the rule. And why would you accept only the scraps of someone’s love and attention anyways?