Spiralling over overnights, please help

[EmmaThompsonsTears]

My husband and I recently separated due to me finding out he’s a coward and a weasel

Initially, we agreed that the best thing for our kids (19m and 4) was to keep their home base as stable as possible, and to do the “nesting coparenting” thing where they get to see both of us multiple times a week, separately, but sleep in their own beds. The initial plan was that he’d live in the spare room, and we’d do this until we could sell the house.

since then he’s been “struggling with his mental health” massively, which I find extremely tiresome. He’s the one who had the affair, he caused all this - it’s ME who should be crumbling, surely!! Anyway, as a result of this he’s run away to his parents’ house, where his mum is minimising everything because she feels guilty for raising a cheater. Yesterday he sent through a childcare plan where the kids have multiple overnights a week at their house, starting from right now. It’s more or less 50/50 in terms of where they sleep. (Prefaced with this is very much up for discussion)

here’s my problem with this: I’ve done my research, and child psychologists recommend minimal transitions per week for children under 5, and particularly for toddlers under 2. They say it can result in insecure attachment and lead to behavioural issues.

I’ve seen evidence of this this week, as I’ve been ill with a fever so the in laws had the kids at their house for two nights. All of a sudden DC2 only wants grandma, because she’s the only steady person to cling to in all this mess. She’s fine with me at home but still very clingy. I’m devastated when I think about the potential impact of more overnights long-term.

I think it’s fine if they see their dad multiple times a week, but until we’re divorced / sell the house I’d prefer it if they slept in one place 90% of the time, so they feel secure and not as if they’re coming and going all the time. Especially the youngest as she’s too little to have this stuff explained to her.

AIBU? For context, this is all very fresh - I only found out he’s a twat a month ago.

would be great to hear the experience of those who divorced with very young children - did 50/50 work for you? How are the kids now?

Previous thread about affair discovery for reference: www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5346362-dh-affair-how-do-i-cope-with-family-holiday

I suppose at some point, you and XDH will have separate homes any way so that will be their ' normal'?
A hard time for you all.

I do understand why you feel the way you do, and I’d feel the same, but legally he is their dad and if he wants more time with them including overnights then a court would allow that.

But preventing a child from seeing one of their parents will certainly cause more lasting damage in the long term.

Yes. I was just hoping to make the transition gradual to help the kids out

Personally I don't think 50/50 is in the best intrest of preschoolers. People like to pretend it is, as it's fairer to the adults, and it can work OK for older children, but young DC need a secure base.

If he's "struggling with his mental health", is he well enough to be taking on that much care anyway? It feels like the request for his benefit (so he can pretend everything's fine), not because it truly what's best for the children.

Not suggesting he doesn’t see them - just cares for them in a single home base (on weeknights) until we can divorce / sell the house - whichever comes first

My thoughts exactly.

I’ve actually been quite worried about it, so that’s the one silver lining about him having the kids at his parents’ house (vs on his own) - that he’s got support and there’s someone keeping an eye

Absolutely. This is just a temporary setup while it’s all so new and fresh - once we’re divorced and in new homes (and the kids are at least 6 months older) there would be more overnights

Have you got somewhere else you can go while he looks after them at the base home? They stay there and the parent who is with them stays there, and the other parent goes elsewhere is the usual setup for nesting.

Meant to say, by outlining your reasoning, and suggesting this compromise, I think you are more likely to reach an amicable agreement. He will want whats best for his kids too, and there's nothing stopping him taking the kids to visit his mum during his time. But they will know where their base is.

I share the view of Dr Proudman. If he’s struggling emotionally, is not doing all the parenting there and is reliant on family to help him, what benefit is 50/50 to the children. The children would benefit more from the consistent loving care of their primary care giver, than creating more instability by having grandparents take on a role that’s not there’s to fill. The children being unsettled would support this argument.

Also, I’m very pleased to see you’ve managed to stay separated from him.

Also, if he is asking for 50/50 then I’d tell him from the off that is 50/50 parenting. He needs to have everything the children need where he is living, not expecting you to pack everything the kids need and ferry it about between 2 houses. He needs to be doing nursery runs on his days and if the kids are sick on his days it’s him taking the day off work. He needs to be doing health appointments when they fall on his time. When the kids go to school and need after school clubs he’ll be the one liaising with the school to arrange these. If they have birthday parties they’ve been invited to on his time he’ll be purchasing the child a toy and taking your child to that party, hanging around waiting for it to finish.

He won’t be looking after them. Grandma will be.
I wonder if he’s even asked her?

I don’t understand why they went to the in laws because you had a fever? Where was your DH? What your plan for when you are ill?

I’d reply saying he can see them for two evenings per week returning them home at bedtime until living arrangements have been sorted.

Then I’d get it court ordered
I wouldn’t allow 50 /50 on mental health grounds and it will be his mum doing most of it (until the new he gets a new GF -speaking from experience of BIL who did exactly this)

My DD was 2 when her dad and I split. I was very much the primary caregiver previously, had only had 1 night away from her. When he moved out we started things very gradually, her first night at his house I stayed too (downstairs and he did bath time/bedtime etc). After about 6 months we formally agreed a 60/40 split in my favour, moving to 50/50 when DD was 6. DD is now 11 and whilst she has been amazingly resilient and coped amazing with her 2 families / 2 homes she still struggles. Summer holidays coming up where she'll be away from each of us for 2-3 weeks at a time and will miss us... Having to plan ahead constantly with what school books, equipment, homework, uniform she needs to pack etc.

In my experience the kids cope, it's not ideal but it is what it is. I found it very hard, still do and I am remarried with more children now. The best thing you can do is be there for your children, be their constant and their safety and use the time they are away to decompress and be at your best to make the most of the time when they are back.

My DDs dad also had the affair etc and needed a lot of help (from his mum) to start off with but he got there and whilst we have had many issues since, he is a great dad and my DD adores him.

I hope everything works out ok for you, this time is the worse but it will get better, I promise!

DH was working (I work part time and the fever hit the night before my day with the kids). I was worried about being a boring mum and only wanting to lay on the floor instead of playing with them, so I called in the cavalry 😂 if I’d have had it my way, they wouldn’t have stayed at the in laws overnight (for stability reasons) but I was persuaded that I needed to rest and have uninterrupted sleep, which was pretty valid

Thank you so much for sharing your experience ❤️ really good to hear from someone who’s out the other side of this!

I know once we get everything sorted with the divorce it’ll be fine. I just didn’t expect to be giving the kids this much upheaval this quickly - I was hoping to make it more gradual than that for their sake. Plus DH and I are very much still processing the trauma of the relationship breakdown. The kids are little but they’re bound to notice some difference in how we’re acting, even though we’re putting on a brave face for them. Better we get ourselves on a more even kilter before we start turning them into suitcase kids

He’s the one struggling with his mental health? The 22 year old ditched him then did she?

Yes. So he’s now experiencing two breakups simultaneously. POOR HIM.

Devastating.

can I just say how unbelievably strong you are.

The children will cope better than you I expect. Try not to worry and I’m sure their grandmother is quite aware of what her son’s done even if she’s not forthcoming to you. If this is it (no chance of reconciliation) then my advice is to push on with the divorce and put the house on the market- until everything is finalised you will be in limbo.

The kids that do the best in my experience post divorce are those who have parents that both see them and can keep communicating civilly, he may be a rat but he’s their dad. You have so many years of needing to coordinate things with him so take the businesslike approach of “so you want different things, well let’s sort out the paperwork, divide the assets and get on with our lives” as far as the kids expect 50/50 or close unless there’s particular reasons not, keep civil with his parents too as it may be a godsend in the future if he proves unreliable.

it’s a sad fact this happened but see it as the start of a new chapter, frame in positivity and I wish you all the best

This is great advice, thank you 🙏🏻

You can indeed because it feeds my wounded ego and makes me feel lots better, so thank you 🥰

Well I think there’s multiple things going on which are understandable to make you feel how you do but 1) affairs rarely happen in a vacuum and you can still be a good parent but a crap spouse 2) young children can and do cope well with separation if parents can handle it properly 3) ultimately you don’t get to decide or dictate 4) the are many cases where 50:50 works and many where it does not.

now, I’m not saying 50:50 is right but overnights are perfectly normal at this age and no reason why they /he can’t do that away from fmh

what are the plans re selling and housing ?
if you can get that resolved and start to bring stability and consistency to the children’s lives ( 50:50 or something else like eow and night in week etc) and you and ex can get to a good civil co parenting place that is in the best interests of the children and they will be able to flourish and have strong relationships with both of you.
Start fighting and not working together and your kids will be more impacted