Spiralling over overnights, please help

[EmmaThompsonsTears]

My husband and I recently separated due to me finding out he’s a coward and a weasel

Initially, we agreed that the best thing for our kids (19m and 4) was to keep their home base as stable as possible, and to do the “nesting coparenting” thing where they get to see both of us multiple times a week, separately, but sleep in their own beds. The initial plan was that he’d live in the spare room, and we’d do this until we could sell the house.

since then he’s been “struggling with his mental health” massively, which I find extremely tiresome. He’s the one who had the affair, he caused all this - it’s ME who should be crumbling, surely!! Anyway, as a result of this he’s run away to his parents’ house, where his mum is minimising everything because she feels guilty for raising a cheater. Yesterday he sent through a childcare plan where the kids have multiple overnights a week at their house, starting from right now. It’s more or less 50/50 in terms of where they sleep. (Prefaced with this is very much up for discussion)

here’s my problem with this: I’ve done my research, and child psychologists recommend minimal transitions per week for children under 5, and particularly for toddlers under 2. They say it can result in insecure attachment and lead to behavioural issues.

I’ve seen evidence of this this week, as I’ve been ill with a fever so the in laws had the kids at their house for two nights. All of a sudden DC2 only wants grandma, because she’s the only steady person to cling to in all this mess. She’s fine with me at home but still very clingy. I’m devastated when I think about the potential impact of more overnights long-term.

I think it’s fine if they see their dad multiple times a week, but until we’re divorced / sell the house I’d prefer it if they slept in one place 90% of the time, so they feel secure and not as if they’re coming and going all the time. Especially the youngest as she’s too little to have this stuff explained to her.

AIBU? For context, this is all very fresh - I only found out he’s a twat a month ago.

would be great to hear the experience of those who divorced with very young children - did 50/50 work for you? How are the kids now?

He has obviously decided he doesn’t want to do the nesting option. For that to work you both need to want it. I would also say that your situation isn’t right for it. The post suggests you are not on good terms with him or his family.

The court’s position on this isn’t going to change if you research articles and literature about parenting. They have guidance they work to provided by people qualified and objective to do peer review and make recommendations.

I assume you aren’t qualified and you are biased. That means your literature research will be biased. You are posting on Mn for opinions and they will be skewed as well. You are seeking confirmation bias. The court won’t be. They know there is no good option her but they also know that children need to have both parents in their lives.

Anyway you will both need to do mediation to resolve this. You can take advice on what would be a reasonable ask or offer from you as he can. I don’t see why he wouldn’t get 50/50 on the 4 year old if he has family support in his household. You might be able to persuade him and the court to build up to 50/50 with the younger child. But it would be sooner rather than later.

I think the biggest problem for the children in divorce is parental acrimony and fighting. This is what you should avoid.

"I wouldn't allow 50/50..." Good thing it's not up to you, darl.

My kids were 2 and 10 when we split. It's 60/40 more 2 extra day with me.I'd say it's been working well. However recently 3.5 ds has been clingy to me refusing to go to his dad's. Once he's there he's ok but the separation anxiety is kicking in . I feel guilty but there's no other way. I need to work to feed and house myself and my children, they can't live with me full time. I couldn't stay in the marriage forever or I could have gone mad. It's hard either way . Do whatever will work for your family.

Meant one extra day

I understand OP!

stay strong!

Not necessarily. My DGD has only started having 1 overnight a fortnight with her father since she turned 5 . The Sheriff ( we are in Scotland) refused to allow it before then . He said it would not be in DGD’s best interests.

Can’t advise you, just as a guy who has recently split from his wife this is what we do. She is staying in the house for 3 years with our 2 and 4 year old until the mortgage term is up,

Once a fortnight at a weekend I come early Saturday and have them, she goes to her mums and I’m with them Sat/Sun and stay overnight in the house. Then on the other weekends I come Sat morning, take them swimming (as I’ve always done) and for lunch then go home. During the week I come down on a Tuesday very early so ex wife can go to work, do breakfast etc and my mum arrives at 9 to look after them whilst I work in the loft. My mum leaves about 3 and I do their dinner etc until my ex returns from work.

I’ve also booked of every Weds morning as leave over the school hols to have them both whilst again my ex wife works.

Currently I’m crashing at a mates and figured it would be confusing for our children to stay there so the plan above works for now. Then when I rent somewhere later in the year we’ll probably stick to a similar schedule but they’ll stay at mine perhaps one night a week.

All of this is with a view of building up over the next few years, see how we go, test the waters and always, always put their needs first to try and strike the right balance. Currently the actual nights I have them is very small, but we’ve both agreed that’s because of their age and we’ve tried to make up for it with more visiting. But for that to work my ex wife needs to allow me into the house, even when she’s not here, so there has to be a certain level of trust.

I agree, in how I’m doing it currently above I think it is the gradual plan the OP is aiming for and I totally get her point (I’m an ex husband btw). I want 50/50 in future; but at the young ages I’m very conscious how that would work and the reality whether I like it or not, they did far more with the mother before our split as I was working far more. So to me, my theory on the split was to try and replicate the time spent as best as possible with each parent.

Of course if my ex wife acts how she did throughout the relationship there’s always a chance the plan turns to shit. But currently she’s ok with it.

Thanks so much for your perspective on this - it sounds like you’re doing a brilliant job of putting the kids first!

it’s also funny what you said about “for that to work, my ex wife needs to allow me into the house even when she’s not here” - the spare bed is there, he has a key to the house, i asked him to move back in to keep things normal for the kids until we divorce, and he refused. So the door is very much open for him to spend more time with the kids, he just doesn’t want to walk through it.

I think eventually we’ll do something more like 50/50 when youngest DC hits school age, but for now they’re just too little for that much time without me. I’ve had them completely alone for the last couple of days and everyone (including me!) feels so much more secure and happy. It’s been really nice.

I also can’t get over how much less stressed I feel without STBexH around. I’ve no longer got the feeling that I’m going to be told off for everything I do, and weirdly as a result things take less time. Plus I’m so much less exhausted at the end of the day. Any interactions I do have absolutely send me into a spiral of anxiety and what it all means tactically, but we’re surely in the worst period for it all now. The only way is up from here, right?!

I can’t speak for your ex, I’m sure deep down he’s doing what he thinks is right. My approach was totally my idea, but I won’t lie I am worried about my ex when I attempt to move off it as the kids get older, I get my own place and even potentially (long way off though) a new partner. Baby steps though, your ex has kind of just ripped the plaster off now.

I do get the argument about when they’re under school age being with you more, I must have read 1,000 mumsnet threads to get an idea of what would be the best approach and that’s what I took from it. But your ex is within his rights unless you want to start playing dirty tricks which presumably you don’t,