Lost

[poppymolly]

My husband of 10 yrs (together for 17), 2 children, left on Good Friday. He had been depressed, had been short tempered for months and months, no time for the children, the house had become toxic. He told me he didn’t love me anymore and didn’t want ‘us’. He refused to get any help, despite me making doctors appointments etc. He moved to a friend’s house. I was devastated and still am. I thought that maybe in time and with some space, things would change, but they didn’t. I begged him to come home, tried to convince him that we’d make things better, but he had no interest. He didn’t want to try. I wasn’t part of his decision making. He just left. He told me he couldn’t see things getting better. He said he felt unloved, our children’s behaviour had caused huge problems and work was stressful for him. He told me ‘I just had to do what was best for me’.

3 weeks after leaving, I found out he had been on a date with a girl from work. He would have kept this quiet if I hadn’t had access to his emails and spotted cinema tickets. He betrayed me in the worst possible way. My whole world just feels like it has been turned upside down.

Of course, I have sent plenty of angry texts, wondering what other lies he has told and why he has just ‘thrown’ me away after all this time, like I never existed. It’s heartbreaking and I honestly can’t see how this feeling will ever go away.

What frustrates (and angers!) me, is that he tells me I have never given him space and have bombarded him with texts every day.
What did he expect me to do? Accept all this and move on? I’m distraught but I still don’t think he has ever fully taken my feelings into consideration.

Yes he’s depressed, but surely he got what he wanted? No me, no kids to look after 24/7, the life of a single man! A new woman-10 years younger than me and probably getting lots of S! It actually breaks my heart knowing that he’ll be doing things with her. I hate it.

I feel completely broken.

Was he diagnosed with depression? From an outside perspective it sounds like he is resentful about family life and detached from you months ago while fantasizing about this co-worker. He left when he realised that men can do that with little repercussions. Depression sounds like a convenient excuse to get you off his back and the reality is that he wants to be with this co-worker instead.

You need to do your best to catch up with his detachment. Stop chasing him for answers and accept that he’s moved on and doesn’t care about you - he’s obsessed with his new gf and respect is the last thing on his mind. He’s wanted her far longer than you think and in his mind he waited a long time to be with her.

Stop texting him. Nothing can come out of chasing a man who is already out. I know it’s super hard and I am in the same boat as you, but you need to start emotionally detaching yourself. Your pain is yours. He obviously doesn’t care for your wellbeing or he wouldn’t have left. Start seeing him as just another person on this planet. Protect yourself and your children. For all his talk, the hard fact remains that he chose something else over his family.

You are so right and although that was a very difficult read, it’s true. He chose her over us. She was worth more than saving our family.

100% agree with you. He had her in his sights for a long time. Makes me feel sick tbh. I gave him 17years and have been thrown away.

I think you might be misreading the situation. Most rebound relationships fail. He was unhappy at home and she was available. Classic. It doesn't mean anything.
Can you ask your friend to hold another mediation session with both of you so you could just talk face to face? I agree, texting backwards and forwards isn't brilliant. You need to talk face to face. He needs to see how upset you are. Not angry. Upset

They’re always way ahead mentally as they’ve been planning it, then when they drop the bomb on you it’s total shock and grief, he’s spineless and a coward, it’s the classic script of every man that leaves for another woman, you won’t feel it yet but you’re way better without him in your life

Right now I can’t ever see me getting past this and living my life without him feels so painful. I guess that will come in time. I’ve never experienced such pain before and I just don’t know how I move on.

I have supported 3 friends through divorce.

One found her husband had a 2nd wife and 3 children in his country of birth. He would go there often, on the pretense of seeing his mother. My friend wouldn't as she didn't like the country so she stayed in the UK and looked after their 2 children. Her ex even sent the money my friend thought he was putting aside to get on the housing ladder in the UK to his other wife.

There have been warning signs. I tried pointing those out to my friend as diplomatically as I could. She is a professional woman. Her ex was very clever and got away with his double life a for a very long time. When my friend found out she filed for divorce. When she turfed him out of the house he turned really nasty. My friend is now getting treatment for PTSD.

My other friend (another professional woman) had a controlling husband who never helped with house work and was in and out of jobs whilst she worked like a work-horse. Her father passed away suddently from a heart attack. A few weeks later my friend decided life was too short to put up with this nonsense. She filed for divorce and has no regrets.

My 3rd friend (a solicitor) thought she found her dream man many years after divorce when her own son grew up. Admittedly, the man was earning a fraction of the money she was earning. My friend worked hard to maintain the standard of living she was used to whilst subsidising him in the process. Then her mother became unwell and required lots of her attention over a period of many months. In that time frame, her charming man found a lovely lady a few doors away to befriend. This new lady was on low income and her house was in disrepair. My friend's now ex couldn't make up his mind up so carried a secret affair for about 3-4 months. He eventually moved out. My friend tried very hard to lure him back (for the reasons best known to herself, love is blind, I suppose). He was adamant he wanted to stay put. He has stayed with his new partner for almost 2 years now.

A close colleague of mine found out her husband was having an affair when their baby was 6 months old. She kicked him out on her mother's advice. My colleague regretted it very much not taking her ex back when he came begging 6 months later.

Four women, 4 different stories. I re-read all your posts. I can tell you are grieving the life you had. You are living hell on Earth.

The advice I am going to give is very much based on my Buddhist practice. I do appreciate you might have been brought up in a different tradition or have no interest in religion at all. In this case, please disregard what's not applicable or disregard altogether.

I believe you could do with a compassion, courage and wisdom of a Buddha.

Compassion towards yourself to start with. Based on my experience, women often blame themeselves for the break-up. "If only I was a better wife". This is not strictly speaking true. No one is perfect.

Compassion towards your ex. He might have genuinely believed there was no point in talking to you and moving out was the only way to preserve what's was left of his mental health. We don't know and we don't have a way of knowing what sometimes goes through people's heads.

Courage. Courage to imagine the future where you could be happy with or without your husband. Courage to look at your past mistakes with unflinching eye and resolve to never do it again. Courage to carry on for the sake of the children.

Wisdom. Wisdom to take the correct action. In Nichiren Buddhism we arrive at this wisdom by chanting Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo and studying Buddhist guidance. I have posted a link to a Buddhist book yesterday if you wanted to have a look.

I am really worried about you. I have been through a lot of difficulties myself and I have supported a few of my friends. So I have an appreciation of how you feel.

Please call Samaritans 116 123 if you feel you are at a breaking point. They also have chat box on their website if you are worried the children might overhear the converstion.

I hope it helps.

You earn sufficiently to comfortable take over the mortgage?

How old is the Ow OP?

does she have children?

He is 42, she is 33. I am 44.
she doesn’t have children and apparently she doesn’t want any. We have two children together, 9&14.

i do earn more and always have. I will be in a better position financially when my 9yr old goes to secondary. However, if it came to it and I had to take over the mortgage sooner then I would manage somehow.

what will the division of care of children be?

I suspect this is going to get very very messy and your anger will rise when he gets sick of killing at his friends and starts to want to build a home and life with OW. He will need money for that.

Oh op she wants children
I’d bet on it
and he probably knows it too
she’ll fall pregnant and money will become a huge issue

You cannot trust one word this man says op

You haven’t mentioned the children’s reaction? They know?

Friday. He had been depressed, had been short tempered for months and months, no time for the children, the house had become toxic.

I bet both children are mightily relieved he’s gone

Agree he’s not depressed.
when I read the first paragraph I thought immediately he’s having an affair. Of course he is!

Honestly I think you should give him a taste of his own medicine and cut him off. He’s horrible and his behaviour is diabolical.

Not good advice … there are children involved. She can’t “cut him off”

what she can do is wise up to what happening… and only a matter of time before he starts sniffing around the house and finances and wanting to get a divorce going because he and OW wants to set up home

If I’m honest, the children have been fine. They have both said they enjoy the peace! My 14 year is not being picked on day and night either. She can breathe again. Neither of them are angels, not by a long stretch, but they couldn’t do anything right. He wouldn’t take any advice I gave regarding behaviour. The house was toxic and it was the same every day for probably 8 months.

If he's anything like my exH he will be planning to re-live his life in the way he did before you both had kids.

My exH and his younger partner do the exact same things he and I were doing 20ish years ago (social things, holidays etc) it's almost funny.

In my head I call him Benjamin Button because it's as if he is living his life backwards.

I will always be friendly when our children are involved and there will be no taking sides. He loves them and they love him and I will also encourage a positive relationship.

He did say that part of the reason for moving out was to improve his relationship with the kids. I’m not sure how that is supposed to happen when he sees them for a few hours a week and is never alone with them (he goes out with a friend and his kids). He doesn’t see the arguing or the difficult side to parenting. He only sees the happy part.

They know the whole story. They have seen mummy cry for 6 weeks. I won’t lie to them, but equally I will not bad mouth him to them. My pain doesn’t have to become their pain.

@poppymolly dont hate the OW as you don’t know what he did or didn’t tell her. This is all on your DH. I’m single myself after a recent relationship breakdown but I find it so sad reading posts like yours. It’s frightening to me how many threads like these are regularly on here. I can’t imagine how it must feel to be hit out of the blue with this and not even be given a chance to help ‘fix it’. It sounds just as you said that he found someone else he suddenly liked and probably when she agreed to date him or whatever it was ‘safe’ for him to dump you and start his new life. I’ve seen it myself in my office 40 odd year old handsome men doing well and a pretty 20 something joins company and is keen for career progression amd these men are flattered. Then the younger woman see how this man could provide a good home without needing to struggle like they would or a low income with a younger man and next thing they have a baby and this bloke has got a ‘second chance’ at life with trophy wife.

Please keep your energy focussed on your next steps as even if DH came back I’m not sure as you say, how could you ever trust he won’t do the same thing again. Please use this time to educate yourself oj what’s best for you and your family now and how to make sure the kids don’t get too affected by this. Wishing you the best. You got this ♥️

Hmmm, unless he makes an enormous effort I think his idea that his relationship with them will improve might be wishful thinking - particularly if he prioritises his new partner or assumes they can all play happily families together.
He is going to lose the closeness of living with his kids & "Disney Dad" parenting only goes so far. Being there for them & helping them through the nitty gritty bits are what's important.