Lost

[poppymolly]

My husband of 10 yrs (together for 17), 2 children, left on Good Friday. He had been depressed, had been short tempered for months and months, no time for the children, the house had become toxic. He told me he didn’t love me anymore and didn’t want ‘us’. He refused to get any help, despite me making doctors appointments etc. He moved to a friend’s house. I was devastated and still am. I thought that maybe in time and with some space, things would change, but they didn’t. I begged him to come home, tried to convince him that we’d make things better, but he had no interest. He didn’t want to try. I wasn’t part of his decision making. He just left. He told me he couldn’t see things getting better. He said he felt unloved, our children’s behaviour had caused huge problems and work was stressful for him. He told me ‘I just had to do what was best for me’.

3 weeks after leaving, I found out he had been on a date with a girl from work. He would have kept this quiet if I hadn’t had access to his emails and spotted cinema tickets. He betrayed me in the worst possible way. My whole world just feels like it has been turned upside down.

Of course, I have sent plenty of angry texts, wondering what other lies he has told and why he has just ‘thrown’ me away after all this time, like I never existed. It’s heartbreaking and I honestly can’t see how this feeling will ever go away.

What frustrates (and angers!) me, is that he tells me I have never given him space and have bombarded him with texts every day.
What did he expect me to do? Accept all this and move on? I’m distraught but I still don’t think he has ever fully taken my feelings into consideration.

Yes he’s depressed, but surely he got what he wanted? No me, no kids to look after 24/7, the life of a single man! A new woman-10 years younger than me and probably getting lots of S! It actually breaks my heart knowing that he’ll be doing things with her. I hate it.

I feel completely broken.

You need to remember op - this man is not your friend. He is not on your side.

You will drive yourself nuts trying to rationalise this, it is a fruitless task.

My advice is to get businesslike now. Get legal advice, start the ball rolling with a divorce, communicate with him only where necessary.

Therapy is a good idea as well.

You will survive this op!

It’s not depression, it’s a midlife crisis.

And PLEASE do not fall for the “there won’t be any fighting over money spiel” that’ll only last until he wants to build a little love nest with his young new GF and realises that he needs (lots) of equity from the house to do so.

Start divorce proceedings NOW while he’s feeling guilty. Get as much financially as you possibly can; include the house, pension, savings, cars and investments etc in those calculations.

If you divorce, and things fall through with the OW and you want to take him back, you can do so, but he’ll be living in your home, that he has no legal right to and you can kick him out if he strays again.

Dont rely on him to “do the right thing” by you, he’s already cheated on you, he’s left you with the bulk of the childcare and the household to cope with by yourself and the likelihood is he’ll be skipping off into the sunset soon with the OW and he’ll want some cash to impress her with.

I know this isn’t what you want to hear and you probably won’t even believe me or heed this advice, but sooooo many women have been where you are and sooooo many women have been shafted by their ex who promised to share the wealth and always pay maintenance etc. don’t let yourself or your kids down; protect yourself financially.

Yep. He had been going through things in his head for months, didn’t sleep well for a long time. At no point did he think to share these feelings with me, his wife. Never. Part of me thinks he didn’t want tablets for depression because he knew what he wanted and didn’t want the tablets to alter that. I will never know the complete truth.

Thank you. He is not in a rush for divorce or anything, which I thought he would be. Perhaps it’s because he can’t actually afford it!
You’re so right. It is pointless trying to understand all this. It has all been going round in my head 24/7 since it happened and it has only caused me more pain.

I hope in time I will feel happier again xx

Ive also told him I believe its a midlife crisis. I think in time he’ll realise what he lost. By then it will of course be too late. It’s already too late for anything to ever change. He is not the man I married. I honestly don’t know who he is anymore.

You are torturing yourself. I hope your appointment with Talking Therapies helps. If you don't see a result after 1 session (2 max), insist on seeing another counseller. Therapeutic relationship is key for counselling to work. You should start getting some clarity and hope after one or two sessions, otherwise it's unlikely to work (I have a bit of experience in the field, however I am not a counsellor).

You need to start thinking what your objective is. If it is to get your husband back, sending angry texts is unlikely to help. If it is to beat down a depressed man, then sending angry texts is cruel. Two wrongs do not make one right.

I appreciate you had a difficult year prior to the break up. Can you share what happened?

before I found out about his sneaky date that he had no intention of telling me about, I begged and begged in the hope he would come back.

Now? Absolutely no way would I ever consider having him back. He betrayed me in the worst possible way. Lost all respect for me. Of course I imagine my life with him by my side and it kills me to think it will never be like this. He is over me in every sense. That’s how it feels.

His attitude is ‘yes I did wrong, I’m sorry, but noting is going to change’.

It was a hard year, he started a new job, kids behaviour awful, caused lots of friction. He felt unloved by me, although I would have done anything for him and always have done.

100% came to write this and you’d already written it.

don’t buy the depressed byllshit. My husband said the same, he felt unloved by me. Neglected. Was already having sex with other woman who made him feel ‘special’ and ‘loved’

he rewrote our entire relationship as always bad and never enough

This is a lot to unpack when you go to see the cousellor.

For now, be gentle to yourself.

What you are going through is very tough.

Try to disctract yourself with actitives, going for walks etc. Don't just stay home, try to get out as much as you can. Housework could wait till another day.

Is school helping at all with children's behaviuoural issues? Is there a child psychologist you could see privately? It has been a lot of trauma for the children too.

It is a shame your husband chose to run away rather than having a frank conversation with you first.

Wow op, I could have written this myself, almost down to the day it happened! So many unmentioned issues which never came out until, in my case, I discovered an affair with a work colleague. Everything has come completely out of the blue and the only answer I get to all my “why” questions is that he needs space and time to sort his head out. Refusal to try any suggestions I have to resolve the issues (which really don’t seem insurmountable at all). I’m starting counselling tomorrow, I think it could be a good idea for you to look into it, as a way to process everything. After 23 years together with no sign of unhappiness, suddenly being told he doesn’t know what he wants with his life any more and the only thing he can do is move out to try and figure out what he wants from life comes as a pretty bloody huge shock. I hope you have friends to talk to, that is helping me. Writing things down too, just to get it out. One of my friends suggested reading up on radical acceptance (basically the art of learning how to deal with “it is what it is”) I’m finding that helpful too. Look after yourself and confide/vent/lean on your friends and family as much as you can. Gather as much financial info as you can too. Sending unmumsnetty hugs from someone else living your pain x

I agree. There was nothing that couldn’t have been fixed with some work.

My son is in the process of being assessed for ADHD/ASD but that takes time. They’re fine at the moment. I try to stay neutral for their sake but they see my upset.

I’ve also just had key hole surgery so I’m dealing with a lot. Everything happened at once.

I’m sorry you are going through this OP 😔
It can’t be easy ..x x

This is a lot for one person. Sending hugs

i know that you don’t just ask someone on a date randomly. He clearly had feelings for her before this. Although I’ve asked him if he left me for her, he always says no, but he lied once, I’ll never trust him again. I’m no fool.

I’m sorry you are going through this. My synchrony also left a couple of weeks ago. Same story. He moved out and I’m here with the kids. I’m yet to find evidence of ow but bracing myself for it. Go meet a solicitor. Even if you don’t immediately decide to get a divorce, it will help you mentally to know your rights and what can be done if doesn’t play ball. In the end, it always comes down to money.

It was never depression, it was guilt and the strain of living a lie.
Now he's "free" to live the live he lived pre-kids and responsibilities, so no doubt his "depression" will miraculously disappear.

Don't bank on the relationship ending, if he's a stubborn type he wouldn't give you the satisfaction & will stick with it to prove it was "worth it" - even if it wasn't/isn't.

He's not worth any more of your tears, he's just another in a long line of selfish,immature men.

And you are worth way, way more than he has been giving you.

Thank you x

Tbh we did have quite a nice calm convo this afternoon with a mutual friend present. I think he really did feel unloved, there are things I could have done better, been more affectionate etc, but I loved him, still do and felt that I showed that in other ways.

Today cleared the air a little. He did admit to ‘fancying’ the girl whilst he was still at home with us. That was obvious, but he insists he didn’t leave because of that. Who knows.

He knows what he has done and I have made my heartbreak very clear to him.

Thank you x
i did put this to him. That he was unhappy and had her in his sights. All he says to me is he couldn’t see anything changing between us so didn’t want to try. I definitely think he wanted that single life. He has been told by everyone that it is too soon, but it hasn’t stopped him.
i did tell him today that I hope it doesn’t work out and that 100% he will soon realise exactly what he has lost-a family who loved him and knew him inside out. He will never have that again.

@poppymollyHe won’t admit it, because he won’t admit it to himself. It won’t fit his self image.

So now you need to focus on the practicalities op

this mans attention will soon turn to money and housing, and you don’t want to be screwed over

He wants some cash from the house whenever that may be and the mortgage will go back into my name after. He’s in no rush for a divorce or for the money.

You are terribly naive about him op

Come back to legal matters when he wants to move out of friend’s and starts talking money

I wanted to write to you 2 days ago, however, very busy until now.

It is so good that you managed to have a calm coversation with your friend acting like a mediator.

It seems to me, you still have feelings for him.

You also have 2 children together.

Most "ramp down" relationships break down. The girl might not even want him after a while. He is an emotional wreck right now, no assets and still married.

Your husband might suddenly find himself free again.

You need to start thinking long-term.

I do appreciate you are about to start counselling. I hope it works for you.

Do you like reading?

If you do, Loving Against the Odds by Rob Parsons is an amazing book.

So is 5 Languages of Love and Why Women Talk and Men Walk.

Someone on this thread recommended radical acceptance theory. It is promoted by "Buddhist teacher" Tara Bach.

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2025/may/05/in-a-culture-obsessed-with-positive-thinking-can-letting-it-go-be-a-radical-act

As a practicing Buddhist myself, I know there is a lot of misconception and misunderstanding about Buddhism.

The confusion stems from the fact that Shakyamuni Buddha taught for over 40 years.

However, in the last 8 years of his life he only taught one sutra- the Lotus Sutra.

As per AI overview:

"The statement "after I have passed into extinction propagate the Lotus sutra" is a central concept in the teachings of the Lotus Sutra, particularly within Nichiren Buddhism. It refers to a prophecy by Shakyamuni Buddha, instructing that the Lotus Sutra should be widely propagated after his passing".

I have solved so many personal and professional problems in the 13 years I have been practicing Nichiren Buddhism.

I read "Buddha in Your Mirror" book and never looked back.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/BUDDHA-YOUR-MIRROR-Practical-Buddhism/dp/0967469783

If interested, you could find your nearest Nichiren Buddhist group via this link https://sgi-uk.org/ . It's a charity dedicated to the propagation of the Lotus sutra. The never ask for money unless one chooses to become a member (and even then it's donation only)

I hope it helps

Thank yo so much, I appreciate you taking the time to reply. I do still have feelings. He may not have ‘felt’ that I loved him, I may not have been as physical (kisses, cuddles etc etc) all the time but of course I loved him. It was a stressful time in the house.

I do love him and always will, especially as the father of our two children. We will always be there because of that connection. In a way that’s even harder as I can’t just shut him out and try to move on.

He has made it very clear that of course he has love for me as the mother of his children, but he’s not in love with me and it doesn’t sound like that will change. I’d like to think he’s not in a rush for a divorce because he doesn’t want to commit to that until he’s 100% about his feelings, but I think that’s wishful thinking on my part!

Tbh, I’d be pretty silly to take back someone who was so sneaky behind my back and willing to continue doing that. He chose HER over us at the end of the day. I don’t think it’s anything serious yet, a few dates etc. He told me he didn’t even know if it would go anywhere.

At the moment, I think about this 24/7 and I just don’t know when to stop with texting him ridiculously long messages. I’m torturing myself and crying every day.

Thank you for the book recommendations, I will certainly have a look x

You are going through hell, sending hugs.

This is really tough.