Ducks in a row question

[Sunshinesoon]

I’m thinking of separating/ divorcing my husband of 25 years. I haven’t told him yet.
What do I need to start thinking about?
I earn considerably more than him, have a large amount of savings in my ISA and have a healthy pension.
He is self employed and works when he wants, odd jobbing and doing very little, goes to the pub everyday and is often away on golf weeks. He spends large amounts of money on hobbies subsidised my me as we have a joint bank account. Spends little or no time with our children and does very little round the house. I’m totally fed up of him taking me for granted while I work so hard and cover the cost of everything do house chores / child running about and household admin.
He has no savings or pension and is often paid in cash. I’m guessing he is entitled to 50%?
what do I need to start thinking about doing to get my ducks in a row?

I would make some practical changes that make it harder for him to act as he pleases, for example: personal accounts that your salaries get paid into and then a joint account you both pay into with proportional funds to cover shared expenses/ bills. 60/40 or whatever, so that he has to curb his spending and start earning some money. If you have joint credit cards, cut them off. Maybe give him an allowance but keep it minimal so he has to find income of his own.
I’d move forward on the premise that childcare is also shared - work up a rota if you must, but almost as if you were separating leave some time / actions to him. He might fail but at least you’ll have tangible things to point to when he fails to keep up his end.
How much effort does he put into your relationship? He sounds pretty absent? Could you set out your expectations for this as well if it’s an issue?
One further thought - all this ‘golf’s trips to the pub and spare time on his hands are you sure he’s not actually got an OW on the side?
I hope he realises what it takes to be worthy of you. But I also think you’d be absolutely winning if you were without him aswell, so don’t fear that and demand no less than what you deserve.

I’m not interested in hiding assets. I want to be honest.
He does not have a credit card of his own he uses mine. At least this way I can see what he is spending and I know he is not running up marital debts as I pay it off every month.
I am going to phone the bank tomorrow and see if I can have a reduced limit on his card. I would not mind him spending this money if he support me and the kids but unfortunately he will not step up and help

Forever bubbles.

We don't work for men on here, we work for women

I’m sure he has not got another woman. He’s has not got the gumption to do this! It would take organising and planning something that he is incapable of. I would also have a clue from bank and credit card statements and there is nothing that looks suspicious.
We have date night once a week to try and keep things alive but I have to organise it. If I tell him where and when and ask him a couple of times he will eventually book it - hate doing this as it feels like I’m nagging him.

Occasionally he will get me flowers if he has had to pop to Sainsbury’s but in doing so often forgets what he had to get from there.
It’s like he has totally lost any ability to think and do anything proactive and prioritises others things that are not family related. I don’t doubt that he loves us all but he has just forgotten or doesn’t want to work at family life

You’ll be amazed how switched on people become when money is involved and comfy lifestyles that may be lost. Plus is doesn’t matter how switched one is, he will see a solicitor who will see the pounds signs and let him know what he is entitled to.
stop funding his lifestyle now and it will force him to work. Why are you allowing this when it is upsetting you so much?

Because I love him and I want my marriage to work. Head is saying all the right things heart is saying he will change when he can see what he will potentially loose and everything will be ok. I’m emotionally invested in my marriage dispute his lack of care and consideration. We used to be happy and work together but he just got lazy and selfish

But you have indulged him in all honesty. If you want to save you manage stop being the cash cow. Force his hand. Stop the credit cards and stop giving him money to live the high life. You really need to be strong and do this. For yourself.

What a horrible situation to be in. You sound like a strong capable woman, and a great mum.I wish you well as you navigate your freedom. I initiated divorce proceedings recently and can’t wait to get away from the sleazy asshole I’m shackled to. Good luck planning your escape. Get yourself a good solicitor.

As you aren’t intending divorce imminently I would look into moving money for uni etc into dc name - some building societies do trustee accounts up to age 21 so you would still have control (otherwise your dc could blow it all at 18). It’s worth looking into uni funding if loans would be needed as household income would impact this eg if dc lived with him and he was on benefits they would get full loans + bursaries but if with you then min loans and you would have to top up (with no help from him). Just make sure you have your bases covered. I doubt he will change he already knows he’s being selfish and is happy with this. I gave ex benefit of doubt many times but once you step back you can see it’s usually a repeating pattern of behaviour.

For form E you have to provide statements,

Yes you need bank statements for 12 months. But if OP is planning to give OH another chance to change and wont be getting to Form E stage within 12 months then moving money now wont be a problem. In fact discussing uni costs could be a wake up call for the lazy partner that he needs to step up / ring-fencing money for uni could be something they could agree together (and a reason why OP needs to cut back his spending). Maybe get advice about a trust for dc?

I put my solicitors account in credit, paid off in full my child’s uni Accom etc so that is was money that couldn’t be taken back. Everyone says don’t lie on the financial disclosure and my ex did with no comeuppance. Turned out he had 9 credit cards he didn’t declare - but I didn’t chase up because I didn’t want a conversation about how might be liable for half of the debt he accrued. Don’t ask your solicitors as their duty bound to ensue you behave fairly

He will be entitled to half your pension

I wouldn't have thought so!! Sounds like the kids will be with OP more!

Yep, this is the way to play it if there's stuff like this you can do.

A nice holiday for you and the kids...