Ducks in a row question

[Sunshinesoon]

I’m thinking of separating/ divorcing my husband of 25 years. I haven’t told him yet.
What do I need to start thinking about?
I earn considerably more than him, have a large amount of savings in my ISA and have a healthy pension.
He is self employed and works when he wants, odd jobbing and doing very little, goes to the pub everyday and is often away on golf weeks. He spends large amounts of money on hobbies subsidised my me as we have a joint bank account. Spends little or no time with our children and does very little round the house. I’m totally fed up of him taking me for granted while I work so hard and cover the cost of everything do house chores / child running about and household admin.
He has no savings or pension and is often paid in cash. I’m guessing he is entitled to 50%?
what do I need to start thinking about doing to get my ducks in a row?

Stop funding his lifestyle... Whilst hes away get your finances separated....
Work out what he should be contributing to household bills..
When he gets back you can say you're separating..

A big part of this is a mentalitg thing.... You have to be prepared to start the process and carry it through....

He spends large amounts of money on hobbies subsidised my me as we have a joint bank account.

Perhaps this is the first thing to fix.
Get your name taken off the account, so it defaults to being his only.
Then stop your salary going into it.
Then if there are any household bills that you really don't want to default on, change those to come out of your personal current account. (You do have a current account in just your name? If not, that is step one.)

Then for the remaining bills coming from what was the joint account, transfer into that account just enough to cover your half, the day before each bill goes out. Make it quite clear to DH that he has to pay in the other half, or the bill goes unpaid.
(Is it possible to set the account up so that it doesn't go overdrawn by default, instead the bill payments just bounce back unpaid? - check with the bank before you take your name off it.)

He will be furious. But it will stop him wasting your money.

However, this doesn't help with the big picture. Yes, he will get half of everything, maybe more, and you can't stop this.

Maybe postpone the divorce plans and wait until the children have all turned 18 or 21 or left home, so that he can't claim more than half on the grounds that he is the resident parent.

Get your name taken off the account, so it defaults to being his only.

Most accounts require both parties to consent to do this, because the person left on the account becomes liable for any debt.

Is this the case even in amicable settlements? I haven’t seen this in form D81, have I missed it?

He does have assets though. He has at least 50% of the marital assets.

I know it's not about the money, but in a little while, a lot of things will be about money.

One thing I regret not doing is having a little wad of actual cash - so I'd start right now, taking a bit out, using cashback on the shopping, and getting a few grand in cash stashed somewhere he won't find it so that if you ever need it, it's there.

Second thing I regret (although if you don't want to keep the house, perhaps it's not great for you) is buying any new appliances I needed before I pulled the plug - they cost a fair whack, but aren't worth anything second hand, and they're practical, useful things.

Definitely ask the solicitor (and maybe accountant) about gifting money to your children pre-paying for things where you can (at least if you're spending the money, he can't - he has his own credit card yes? Not a second user on yours? Because he could run up a credit card bill and stiff you with it - and yes, in theory stuff is 50/50, but in practise over the amount of time this takes, that doesn't really matter and you will have do deal with it)

I put a load of money in credit union accounts for my children, which excluded from my required statements - I checked that with my solicitor, but I don't know if we were both just being very careful about what we said/heard and this wasn't strictly speaking correct.

Read the law about all of this. https://www.gov.uk/money-property-when-relationship-ends

If a man were posting this people would be shocked. My ex h was stashing away money - I don't know how long for . I found 800 pounds in a trouser pocket one day. I have no idea how much he stole from me.

I think people are referring to Form E - the full financial disclosure, which is the one relevant to OP's situation.

I said upthread DB did this to DSIL- squirrelled away a fortune while getting ducks in a row then booted her out.

And there has been a response advising OP NOT to do this to every poster suggesting she do just that.

Then push him to get more hours and contribute more income to the family/fund the outsourcing of the jobs he won't do.

If it liks like you're keeping him then it sets the expectation that he will continue to do so.

Don't be expecting much from CMS if he's self-employed and doesn't contribute now.

I think it was awful behaviour on his part
Not condoning it at all
but do it, people do

But it's not helpful on a thread where someone is asking for advice.
She's not looking for anecdotes or what people have got away with (well, I hope not, it would be a different thread I suppose).

What about good proper Councelling as opposed to a divorce. It’s much cheaper

Do not listen to some of the advice on here.

If you have say 50k in savings and suddenly have 10k/20k taken out it you will need to account for it, and if its seen to be you trying to fiddle the system it could make things worse.

Sadly (not to my extent, I was not as wealthy as you) I was in a similar position where I paid 75% of the bills but she got half of everything like equity. You just need to suck it up unfortunately.

While separating you need (as I was advised) to maintain arrangements moving forward, I think we relaxed it a bit so I paid 66% and her 34% of household spend between date of separation and being paid off by me. So if you are paying say 70% of household bills now, you would be expected to moving forward.

So he’s a SAHD albeit a bit of a lazy hands off one ?
x

Yes.

No, I don't think you have to provide 12 months of bank statements for a D81.

No, no evidence needed for a D81. I was in a similar position but luckily he accepted how shit he’d been & was attracted by the (relatively small <£80k) settlement I offered for the house. Agreed not to touch pensions (his tiny, mine decent) and made clear in the narrative on consent order that I’d been paying the bills, doing the parenting & working full time whilst he did very little. I was pretty surprised when it came back from court approved, I thought they’d at least question the imbalance.

He sounds like a peach.
I'm glad it wasn't drawn out and awful.
Maybe the courts look at potential earnings and decided Mr Hammock could get himself out to work. nb I have no idea how amicable divorces work.

So you can't suddenly withdraw loads of cash and stash it away. But you can spend money on yourself. Fancy an expensive hairdo? Go for it. Want some new clothes or a new watch, yep get them.
My ex did this, bought loads of expensive things for his expensive cycling hobby and lo, I ended up paying for them as they were on the so called joint credit card but which I was the primary card holder of and it came out of my bank account.
So yes the default is 50 50 but if he's off spending cash that he doesn't earn on his golfing holiday or whatnot, then you may as well do the same. I'd personally buy stuff that is obviously "yours" and that you can take with you. It doesn't need to be thousands of pounds worth, but my point is that saving money right now is saving half for him. Spending on things you want or can move to a new house could benefit only you.

No. He spends his days odd jobbing. For example, fixing a fence, swapping a tap. He then goes to the pub and is back home for about 7. Doesn't help with the kids, house work, maintenance around the house or any house admin. He has not been a stay at home dad.

Thank you. I had a similar conversation earlier with my mom.
When he gets home this weekend it’s time for a serious talk so he knows I mean business. I do think he will change for a while but then revert back to old ways but at least I could say I gave him one final chance.

If it gets to this (can’t see him changing but he might) I’m hoping I will be able to make him a settlement offer that he would agree to with regard to my pension. I know I will have to split the house 50%.
Deep down he knows he’s onto a good thing and there is no way he would be living the life he does without me but it’s just got to the stage where he’s forgotten it.
He’s not that switch on when it comes to money, mortgages, pensions, stocks and shares. I’ve always done it.