Ducks in a row question

[Sunshinesoon]

I’m thinking of separating/ divorcing my husband of 25 years. I haven’t told him yet.
What do I need to start thinking about?
I earn considerably more than him, have a large amount of savings in my ISA and have a healthy pension.
He is self employed and works when he wants, odd jobbing and doing very little, goes to the pub everyday and is often away on golf weeks. He spends large amounts of money on hobbies subsidised my me as we have a joint bank account. Spends little or no time with our children and does very little round the house. I’m totally fed up of him taking me for granted while I work so hard and cover the cost of everything do house chores / child running about and household admin.
He has no savings or pension and is often paid in cash. I’m guessing he is entitled to 50%?
what do I need to start thinking about doing to get my ducks in a row?

Don’t rush into it. You’re going to have to start sliding finances away from your joint savings very slowly and gently. In fact, I would use it to pay bills, lower mortgage, etc and put all your pay in your own account. (Different bank.) I would get copies of all his credit cards, statements, loans, etc and statements, car insurance and registration, etc… showing that you have been paying them. Same with memberships to golf clubs, any toys he buys himself, evidence that he chooses to be paid under the table, etc. Get some genuine financial advice from a solicitor (or several) about the best way to go ahead.

He’s entitled to 50% of the marital assets so I would get your CETV for your pension now as that can take a few months to come through.
I would get the house valued by 3 estate agents if you can do it secretly. If not, check the values for similar properties nearby. Work out how much equity is in the property. You’ll be entitled to half of that so you could then look at how much of a mortgage you can afford.
There’s absolutely no point trying to move money as you need to provide 12 months bank statements for all accounts, ISA etc.. so it’s too late for that.
Get a free half an hour with a solicitor (most offer this) and get advice.

You basically add all assets up and divide by 2. If you’re having the kids then he will need to pay CM. If you know how much he earns, you can work that out on the Gov website.
Any expensive jewellery you have needs to be declared as well.
The courts look at a needs basis so they will make sure his are covered.
Sorry OP.

How much of a long game are you willing to play @Sunshinesoon ? How keen are you to ‘outwit’ and walk away with more, or are you just wanting out asap?

@ZiggaZigAh Im not sure! I’ve put up with this behaviour for quite a while. I feel that he has taken enough. I have worked hard for this family and don’t really want him to walk away with half. It feels so unfair when he has given so little to this marriage and family. It sounds like I’m going to have to give him 50%. I’m not sure he will be bothered about having the kids 50% as he see them as a burden (ironic really)!

I was in a similar situation. I would take Dogmum’s rather than France’s advice.
Get proper advice from good solicitor.
For now I’d pull all accounts, pensions, credit agreements etc together.
The financial forms you have to complete tell you what information the Courts need. They're not interested in how frivolous or otherwise each partner is with marital assets unless there are debt problems.

You can’t do this. You have to provide statements of all your accounts.

I would open a bank account in my own name and get my salary paid in there though.
Put a stop to him frivolously spending at least.

The thing that hurts the most is not the money. It’s his total inability to do anything around the house for either me or the kids. He puts himself first every time and it hurts. I love him, this is such a tough decision but I don’t think I can carry like this or it will just end in resentment. I really do feel torn

He may actually be entitled to more than 50%

you should go speak to a solicitor before you decide what to do - but at whatever point you decide to end it he’ll still have that entitlement…..

Having been through this with a similar lazy and checked out exH you wont be able to prove he hasn't been a SAHD. Even if you could the court wont want to dissect a relationship. As you stayed married in the court's eyes you accepted it. He will argue both roles were equal.

You can decide not to throw more money away. The quicker you get out the more money you will keep in future. My ex dragged it out and by the time the process finished I had paid down alot more mortgage etc. Every month you pay off the mortgage you are gifting him at least half. Ask yourself if you are happy to fund his retirement hobbies / lifestyle from just your pension as that is clearly his plan. There's no benefit to you in reducing the mortgage now or putting more money into shared assets.

The court will take into account his earning potential not just his actual earnings. He will need to explain why he has no tax returns if he's not declaring the money he does earn. Anything that proves he is dishonest is helpful to you. That he has zero mortgage capacity is a problem for you.

If the assets are enough to meet needs and there is some left you have a better claim to the extra. Also if you had assets before the marriage.

He will probably decide he does want a house for him and dc once he realises thats the way to prove a 'need' for a larger share.

The CM will be neligible if he's basically unemployed or on min wage.

I assume you will buy him out as he has no assets. You can ask the agents to value it for a divorce - make sure they know you want a value of what it would definitely sell for within 6 weeks not an aspirational value.

You can rebuild. What you earn or pay into a pension once this is done is 100% yours.

Its really hard to accept you've been financially taken advantage of, but the dc will know which parent was there for them and which was selfish.

Knowing the household bills would soon be paid from my personal account rather than our joint one, I started move them from the joint to mine. This meant I put less into the joint account so ex couldn't spend it on whatever he wanted. It felt like I was taking control.
He wiped out the ISA that was in his name. I could have fought for that, but it wasn't a huge amount (relative to the small fortune I spent on solicitor fees).
A small inheritance left to me was ring fenced for me.

OP, I’ve just been through this as a breadwinner and take heed of @myrtle70advice - it’s very good. I would just rip the band aid off and start the process now. My ex was a dick and tried to go for everything - the entire process took 2.5 years because the courts are backed up. As PP saying, he’s entitled to at least 50%. If he can prove he can’t survive on that and you’re in a better financial position- he may be awarded more.

Thanks for everyone’s advice. I have managed to pay our joint mortgage off. I don’t want the house and would rather make a fresh start. House is worth about 500k. So he can use half of this to buy something out right.
I will probably get something with a mortgage again.
I am thinking of spending some of my ISA money so he can’t get his hands on it or look to gift it to my children (not sure on the rules around this though). This is not ideal as I was wanting to use it for my retirement too, also it’s in stocks and shares so the value is low.
He had earnings potential but he just can’t be arsed. A lot of the time he will do odd jobs for his friends and doesn't get paid as it’s a favour. While he can’t be bothered to do anything around our home.
@GreenLeaf25 ripping off the band aid is exactly what I need to do. I’m usually a strong independent woman but feel very weak at the moment.
It wasn't always like this. We used to work really well together but the higher I got in my career the more he stepped back. I still love him but realise I can’t carry on like this as it will just turn into resentment

Buy yourself some very expensive jewellery which may get ‘lost’. Or add gift cards to the shopping in the supermarket. Take up a ‘hobby’ which requires expensive stuff but just don’t buy it and say you lost the receipt and pretend to go to hobby for a few weeks then ditch it. Lost purse with a load of cash in. Every little helps with this freeloaded,

Would I be able to ring fence some of the money for the children. My eldest is going off to uni in September, my middle child wants to go after her Alevels (she is doing GCSEs now) not sure what my youngest wants to do yet.

Bad “advice”.

This is the sort of question a solicitor needs to answer.

If you love him then stop indulging him with the money. Don’t go straight to divorce. Try and sort it out and make some compromises. But stop offering the gravy train. Take your money back and stop giving him the high life for free. He will have to work then and if you later want the divorce you will have forced him already to have started to earn a living so he can stand in his own two feet - that’s getting your duck in order!

@Gonk123 I don’t know if you read my post earlier up but it’s not just about the money. It’s his lack of ability to not help around the house at all and he would rather be meeting friends in the pub or doing stuff for them than helping me or doing anything for the kids. This week I have 3 children going through Alevels, GCSEs and SATs and he is away golfing.
I have tried many times talking to him in the past but I don’t think he wants to take responsibility for anything. The toughest thing is that you just can’t stop loving someone.

I know I have been a mug. But I don’t want to keep living my life like this

You don’t sound like a mug, you sound like bloody Wonder Woman! Steering your 3 kids through milestones, managing a demanding career, holding the financial burden for the family and getting absolutely nothing in return from your DH, it’s no wonder things have come to a head for you. You’ve said you’ve spoken to him in the past, but I wonder if a serious conversation about divorce, once you’ve taken proper legal advice, might be the reality check he needs to reassess his life and what it means to be a real partner. He might see the money that’s on the table and decide to take it and run, or he might step up if you suggested counselling.

Even though you love him, it doesn’t sound like he loves or values you the way you deserve. Honestly, you sound like a proper catch and you deserve someone who knows how to appreciate that.

Pay for the very best legal advice you can afford.

My DB did this with my DSIL - accumulated a small hidden fortune that way.

I understand that but sometimes a shift where you take control can have a knock on effect in other areas. You have to work with what you’ve got, Get a cleaner in with the money you stop giving him and help to lighten the load for yourself. Be a little more assertive. Have some time out with friends. Get your confidence up. Start a hobby. Make yourself a little happier in other areas and then take it from there. You don’t sound anywhere near ready for divorce so you need to make yourself happier within your marriage. Take some action - you’ve got this. (You may eventually be ready for divorce and those steps mentioned will help you prepare)

Ps, how can he afford his holding luxuries and holding lifestyle away from you if you are no longer indulging him with the finances to do so…

And did he declare it on the divorce financial forms or did the divorce take so long that it didn't need to be included as part of the marital assets?

I don't think people should be advising OP to hide assets - it's illegal.