Has anyone divorced after age 50?

[stoviesfortea]

Just that really. Married for 18 years. I keep having the same thoughts about leaving, but then I stay. Nothing is absolutely awful about our marriage but we are quite incompatible in a number of ways and I’ve pushed these thoughts away for over 20 years and just got on with it.

I don’t think I can do another 20 years, even another 10. The thought of splitting both terrifies me but I also think would be a huge relief and I sometimes fantasise about life on my own. We have 2 teen daughters which is what’s made this difficult in the past but after yet another argument I'm seriously thinking about it all again.

@livelovelough24 I'm in the same situation that you described. My marriage was good up until 3 years ago when my husband was involved in a disciplinary at work. This shook the core of who he thought he was. He is the classic narcissist, so his inflated self worth was crushed. Life at home now is very difficult and I don't want to spend the rest of my days being miserable. For background purposes, we've been together 24 years, married 20 - 2 children. I really want to go it alone now, but I'm financially stuck. When we started out, I was the higher earner and saw him through teacher training, and got us on the property ladder. But he now earns more than three and a half times my salary. I took a pay cut to look after the children. I still work full time but in a lesser role that pays just above minimum wage. I feel so aggrieved that I have put my all into my children and marriage, and will potentially be left scrimping and saving in my older years. I'm 50 and very menopausal - so I've literally had enough of his shit, the emotional manipulation he uses against me and the children, the gaslighting, the victim complex he displays when I fight back. But whete do I go from here. I love him still and wish things would change, but I don't think he ever will. The darkness is so ingrained in him. I have no family/friendship support. Funny that - they disappeared with my marriage.

I was 49 when I started the process. He was an alcoholic. I'd known that for a long time, had tried and tried and tried and tried to support him and succeeded only in enabling him. Almost 7 years I put up with it and then the straw broke the camel's back.

He died 12 days before the nisi was pronounced, in August 2018. I have been single and free ever since. It's been just me and my lovely DC - including the one I took on to foster as a teenager, so I ended up with three.

We had happy years, I won't lie. But the last 5 years of my marriage were absolute hell, and the past 7 years single have been utterly lovely.

Am just going through this now, feel so sad and sick and worrying about the children will respond when we tell them and how do people manage financing two homes when there is a huge mortgage on the family home .

@Flapjak I am so sorry to hear you're having such a tough time and feeling so rubbish. My children took my divorce a lot better than I expected even though it came as a huge shock. They have been a huge support for me and I am 100% there for them. Their father has been atrocious so they are grateful to me, not that they need to be as it's my job.

Get all the information you need. Surround yourself with people who will support you and remember what ever happens, it is not for ever and there are always options.

I divorced at 40 and again (!) aged 58 - different people of course. It was difficult but worth it the first time, and by the second divorce I had mentally checked out, so it was straightforward. You get one shot at life, do what is right for you. The person that suited you at one point in your life doesn't necessarily suit you at another stage in your life. People grow/change at different rates.

@2025willbemytime
Thank you for your kind and reassuring words . I feel I am at the start of a long and difficult journey, and feel very much alone, as no other family to fall back on. I am worried about my capabilities to able to stay strong and positive for the kids when I am going through such emotional turmoil. I know I need to take it day by day but so hard to not spiral in thinking about a bleaker and poorer future for all involved

Yes 55. Best thing

I have 3 friends divorcing in their fifties, one the husband left for a younger woman but with the other 2 it’s the women have had enough.I have supported all three over the last 6 months, 1 year and 2 years. What has suprised me is just how bloody long it can take. Financially all of them will be at different levels of financial comfort. All of them are having a very hard time due to various factors, I hope after it’s all over they are ok.

There have been some absolute shenanigans by the husbands. It gets nasty over the money, really horrible.

I have no family either. It's turned out that I'm stronger than I ever knew. You super powers when you're a parent as it makes you do all the children need. Unless you're my ex h and then you're a selfish twat.

Bottom line is you have to get through this time so you will.

Well I was 48 but I still highly recommend it. Life is brilliant

Can I ask those of you who are getting or have gotten divorced, did you have any reservations in the beginning or was it all rosy?

What happened, what went wrong?

I was married for 25 years and he cheated on me which was the end of it. But tbh we should have ended 5yrs earlier but neither of us would make the first move. Life is infinitely better now. No one ignoring me, sulking, being passive aggressive, gaslighting etc.

Watching with interest. It’s feeling imminent here. 🙁

@Flapjak I'm finding the financial fear side of it very hard. And so resentful that any chance I might have had of winding down to retirement has well and truly gone.

Well I’m 60 and was married for 35 years, together 40. We have had a rough marriage but in the last ten or so years had settled into a companionable relationship. He has always been sneaky and bad with money. Claimed, finally at nearly 40 he was asexual.
He was a decent earner and very dutiful as I became badly disabled fifteen years ago.
Then he panicked about pensions, opened a business that he thought he could sell for half a million.
And even better, it didn’t need to make a profit.
FF - three and a half weeks ago he confessed to taking out huge high interest loans. He sacked three staff, including our daughter who was officially on mat leave.
I was still putting up with his moods, bad tempers and emotional detachment as it was just what I was used to and I have a great life otherwise.
Then I found his phone messages and whilst we were away on a fabulous holiday I had booked and paid for us for my 60th, from my meagre savings, he had been on extra marital date sites. The obsession with the internet when we’re on a cruise made sense.
The following day he told me he wanted a divorce.
He is now in the process of reinventing and rebranding himself as the man about town.
All this in three weeks after 40 years.
But actually I’m quite happy!

We had a latch door - hearing tht click my stomach used to knot, I
dreaded his coming in, gloom would descend.

Ending that farce of a marriage was not a difficult dcision but the right one,
both aged 52.

Grasp the nettle, save yourself, or as my Aunt Norah was fond of saying -
“There isn’t a man born worthy of any woman” ha ha

Yes, it took me years to make the leap - I was always waiting for things to improve but I came to the realisation that if I didn’t do something, I would go crazy. My kids were suffering from ex’s nasty, narcissistic behaviour whenever he targeted them. I was also in a religious community where there is a lot of shame surrounding divorce, so it wasn’t easy.
But once I made the decision to leave, I felt sheer relief. It’s been 8 years now (23 year marriage) and still no regrets.

When a woman is unhappily married, it affects her to the core.

How long does it take to stop feeling angry? I'm furious that he's done this.

@Helpagirlout222 yes me too, but am trying to stop myself thinking about that as even with a partner, one can became unwell or disabled which would have a similar impact on retirement security. I know I am am responsible as well for the love and respect going , and am torn thinking about if it's gone it's gone or as it's now out in the open whether there is a possibility to reconnect and rebuild, he seems to think not, but we are both so distraught that it's hard to know

Thanks @Flapjak.
I take your point about shared responsibility but at the end of the day I didn't cheat and leave!
He's just made things so.much worse for the kids and I.

No amount of bricks and mortar is worth this! I do not understand how people can become so attached to a house. We have moved as a family numerous times and never given it a second thought.

What is it about your house that keeps you anchored in this misery?

You need to write a book you have a really good way with words.

Haha ! gave made me laugh as I read your post ! I am new to this site and have been in the process of divorcing in the past 9 months , at the age of 65 . I wanted it . But soooooooo hard , and I am a pretty strong woman ! I keep beating myself up because my adult children blame me for leaving . i guess they hoped I would just be a good girl and live the rest of my life in semi unhappiness .
But despite not regretting my move , I feel so sad sometimes . I wonder if others feel like that too ?

It's normal to feel sad @Beargirl . I am so happy not to be with my ex h anymore due to what happened but I'm still sad for the waste of 27 years and the future that won't be as expected.

May I say something . Please excuse me for being direct here , it is not meant to be : but I think you probably have not wasted all this time ! Despite my feeling rotten and sad , I genuinely believe some good came out of all these years . Do you feel that may not be the case ? Surely there are many good things that came out of your relationship . I completely understand your terrible disappointment and sadness of course . But it seems to me you have a lot to offer with your experience 😀